2021/12/29 cry for help arc pt3

dec14th-17th

featuring

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note: i added curious cat entries to the previous two posts, because CC is back

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Dec 14th

TODAY:S FORECAST：hatred of sex organs; gender issues; getting mad @ people, @ christians, reflecting on scientology ₍‧ꀈ˙⁾՜

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「what countries would you like to visit? or maybe just some states?」

i am a weeb @ heart: i want to see japan before i die; remember to love yourself, anonymous, ok?

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:52 A.M.

1. dream about slavery and crafting: i forget most of it but it had to do with this pink mantis that ate her green mantis

2. once again my shower has cat shit in it

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:15 A.M.

3. once again there is cat shit in my shower

@ 7:37 A.M.

4. 

5. bloody catshit, too

6. cleaning up cat puke too ; ; i jsut washd my hands too cmon

@ 8:15 A.M.

7. 

@ 8:24 A.M.

8. 

9. while downtown: i saw a wheelchair 4 sale 4 ten dollars, & kind of wanted to get it so i could pretend i was crippled; ideally there:d be some-one who gave me a wager to exchange my functional legs in return 4 having a "good" life; it:s a really selfish wish on my part, tho

10. need to fdo drawing 4 substack but all i wanna do is h8 mybody & draw uterine health diagrams

@ 8:52 A.M.

11. h8 my sexuality too w/e it even is; every-thing just feels really place-less & @ best the only sort of connection i get w/ ne of it is weird sterile q&a curiosity from ppl; or ppl who just want to fuck layered under tons of nice words & think i m a goofy bitch <-- good as it gets

12. h8 my weird fake autism too; i m sounding more bitter than i actually am -- i:m mostly just kind of tired/depressed & not enjoying mostly any-thing @ the moment (not in a bitter way, but anhedonia way), & just kinda left w/ wanting to reread transjitter & momoe episode in WoEggPr

13. get kind-of sad that i seem to lack the weird insect connection other ppl have w/ queerness or gender or their kink; zero comradery 4 ne of this; + the sexuality thing fucks w/ me because p-wordism seems so common that Both Sides keep thinking i am one of them bc i try to b kind

14. i opened up about the animal stuff once n got mocked 4 it; & i see people kind of flippantly entertaining it in follows; follows-of-follows; quickly making my-self feel terrible which is good because i need to be in the mood; ok we r ready to embrace the day w/ open arms now

    

15. love myself so much

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:02 A.M.

16. i can:t even believe how much i love my-self

17. cna:t even believe how brave i am 4 this

@ 10:13 A.M.

18. hot fuckn blade runs into my tummy and pops uterus out like a shrimp being deveined

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:20 A.M.

19. i will always use my demonic magic to grant our wishes my friends

20. i love yondemasu yo azazel san

    

21. there was this girl in my sculpture class @ college, one day we were talking to studios to do crit & this dude was trying to flirt (saying she was really pretty) & she just kinda really bitterly responded w/: "i have cysts in my uterus & i am in pain" & walkd away to b next to me

22. she looked ultra pretty to me in that moment, i thought it was really cool; we ended up dating(?) 4 a bit but never rlly did nething besides play MTG & make-out; mostly every relationship 4 me is that; it ended bc i became a hiki / creeped her out bc of murder-talk

23. really excited 4 death again -- from angelbeats OP mostly -- i don:t think in a wish fulfilling way; i just feel weirdly happy knowing that everyone is going to be gone; just everyone, we:ll all catch up with each other eventually, right? & may-be the timetrack thetan isn:t real

24. may-be the microplastics & LSD really have denatured the immortal thetans of everyone & it won:t be like coming back and waking up & it:ll just b a bunch of souls draining back in-to the ocean GONE; the vessels will disappear in-to the fucking earth as gracefully as they deserve

25. the disparity between left and right will flicker flicker even closer down to 0:0 perfect equality & the torture chamber can finally fucking go & the shitty overhead will fucking crash into aersol NOTHINGNESS and vanish in-to atmosphere reeking like ozone metals, GONE

@ 10:41 A.M.

26. perfect

    

    niku wo hagu / stripping the flesh

27. what a fuckn homie i love this dork; h8 him too but he:s so cool 4 this

    

@ 11:05 A.M.

28. 

@ 12:12 P.M.

29. ok this post is done

@ 12:33 P.M.

30. keep wanting to do [bad solutions] but the world keeps responding in the way that it always does with funny games; i don:t want to exist ne-more, & suddenly i need to w8 around to sign 4 a package; a package just manifests that i have to w8 4 where b4 there was no package

31. & evvery-time it just mkes the whole thing feel pointless; or, silly to consider; & then i think: how upsetting that they can just control me so easily & just snip off any determination i have to resist this torture chamber world they:ve constructed in phosphene; i can see depth

32. how completely lonely it is, too, that everything just exists as a boring q&a 4 me; every day is just q&a & gawking by people who don:t care; how desperate i am to be touched in ne way @ all that is real & then realizing all i get to do is q&a like some less-holy e-meter

33. ultimately LRH was right in the church halls when he put his trillion year old immortal lich hands on my shoulders and told me i am not a person & my purpose is not a persons purpose; my purpose is the same as ne other left-handed persons purpose, servility to right hand deadbeat

34. ticking & listening to shitty past-curtain electrical impulses to output some shitty lame unfunny reading 4 the violet righties to clasp their holy god hands together & go "lovely; an engram; time to remove it" philosophical posturing @ engram; dissecting of engram; never love

35. hope i hack up a wad of cum and blood on the next persons shoes

36. beauty of scientology is it:s not centered around death @ all; it:s not like there is encouragement to die; death is just a hiccup in a great eternal work to clear the galaxy & save this rotten engram cancered world; it:s the same mission as greater hospice environmentalists

37. you die you just come backa nd continue the work; or you continue choking out under the same engramatic burdens as the past life; the past trillion eternal lives; a bunch of dead cancerous shit stuck to your thetan accumulated endlessly w/o cleansing; trillion years w/o bathing

38. whole breed of devices designed to clean this dirt; an entire servile class designed to know & clean this dirt; a whole entire chiral person dedicated to empathize and relate to & clean this dirt, like it was a friend; & then the violet deadbeats go "tell me about this dirt"

39. oh yes; the dirt is like this; oh yes: the dirt is like that; oh yes: that:s right, the dirt is -- so and so; sterile slave existence; existence built up-on curiouscat relation to the world; lump in throat cough it up & it:s just fucking bones, blood, cum, put there eternity ago

40. wrap my shitty hands around his leg and on the shoes i spit up shit detritus on & just want him to love me; or touch me; he:s my savior & my father, practically; he gave me a purpose; and i just want it to be touched lol; it doesn:t need to be safe i just want to feel touched

@ 12:53 P.M.

41. trying to decide if i want to walk ~two hours to get a coffee

42. i do fuk it; i am depressed and i lost my energy to do [stupid shit i don:t have the heart to do anyways]; going outside is probably fine; just worried about wasting money / getting harassed; plus the coffee texture thingis becoming daily routine & i feel bad 4 it becoming that

43. saw morta post n it made me laugh [substacker:s note: i 4get]

@ 2:40 P.M.

44. i:m back ~20 minnutes early; i think i got sunburnt, it was cloudy out but then the sky cleard & it:s like ~77f here; some girl in a truck shouted "i love you" @ me; some guy @ wheelchair-selling-place saw my coffee n askd 4 me to get him one next time -- i will if i remember

45. think i need to put on weight; my physique looks even more fuckd uip the more weight i lose imo

46. need to get thick, hard, tight muscles; need my body to be as hard as the hypothetical privates i wish i had

47. i get so mad walking; every time i see someone walking by or drive by i clench my fist n my brain just automatically goes "whore whore whore"; i stuck walking behind some old lady walking her shit dog & just "whore, whore, whore, whore" as she kindly absent mindedly let it wander

@ 3:22 P.M.

48. reflecting on my ability to have relationships, & whether i "should ever", bc i feelt like i am in too bad of a place to responsibly ever be in one -- but i:m not sure i:ll ever not-be-in-that-place; it:s definitely true that i like to hold on-to my pain

49. really self-indulgently: i kind of feel that i sincerely am not worth some-one-elses time in a relationship, even if they love me, just be-cause i don:t think i can bring anything to th table; <-- maybe depression talking; iris misses me; idk

50. i lost my car & my insurance & my meds r stopping -- so i guess i am detransitioning (?) & dropping the migraine stuff; just kinda feel like i am sealed in-to florida really tightly & dk how to justify leaving; need to figure out solutions @@ idk if yolo moving in w iris is one

51. the developmental disability love story comic kinda keeps me from falling in-to total wallowing over my issues; i can definitely find a place w/ another person where i don:t feel like a burden, i think

    

52. also they made a new post ^^ i worry sometimes ppl think i am being ironic when i say they:re one of the most inspirational people to me <-- completely sincere; their art made me cry bc it was so pure to me they:re over here https://pixiv.net/en/artworks/94737853

    

@ 4:15 P.M.

53. i took a shower ^^ i:ll try to not be so depressed to-day, i had some thoughts about hospice again (i started to remember one of iris:s siblings asking me if i ever k-worded a person & i just kinda bluntly said "yes, my grandfather through assisted sewer-side" w/o thinking)

54. and suddenly it:s like being in the hospice room; which looks just like the wonder egg priority room; & it:s like i am neiru, and ai is there; & she asks me "are you sure you want to end your friends life?" and i say ",,yes", and thjen she tricks me out the room & turns off L/S

55. like it was doing me some favor of putting the entire burden of the choice on me & then stealing my determination away from me; left with the burden and none of the catharsis or seeing-it-through; i wish it was like the episode, where ai was just there with me and supported me

@ 4:25 P.M.

56. o hey ko-fi no-ti, excellent ^^

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 5:21 P.M.

57. thank you very much to mikey, 4 the support; i normally write more in the post but i:m really brief of words i think; mostly just: i am very thankful 4 you & the support; you:ve been very kind to me & i appreciate it; あｌso please take care of yourself first & foremost (´-`)ノ!! [substacker:s note: these are responding to ko-fi donations]

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:33 P.M.

58. i get these weird flashes of panick thinking about hypothetical scenarios where i get pulled really deep in-to scientology due to dead-end & end up in sea-org & i don:t know which gender dorm they:ll put me in-to & if i can fit in in either & if they:ll interrogate me over it

59. i get fears of them thinking i m a guy & then cutting my hair & then i am kind of put thru hell in the mens dorm bc i m clearly off in voice/appearance; afraid of the womens dorm be-cause they:ll sense something is off w my voice/appearance; breaking in-to the one shower to check

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:32 P.M.

60. got rlly upset @ someone in dms today -- i don:t know if i made it really clear to them, but it was them askn me if i ever think about nukes having feelings, bc to them there is nothing more abjectly hopeless than being born as a nuke & needing to k-word & then d-word after [substacker:s note: i am being very unfair to the person who DM:d me here, after i calmed down a little i realized they probably just felt like the nuke & did not like feeling like the nuke — it:s a bad look 4 me but i am kind of a dumbass & get mad easily]

61. it upsets me because it feels like my beliefs are being used 4 someone to attempt to bond w/ me over in the form of "how awful" as like a clear vent; i don:t think a nuke feels hopeless @ all @ fulfilling its purpose, why would neone? why are you bringing this to me? u don:t care

62. you don:t care about objects as people; do you think about the feelings of your trash? your pen? the knives you use? what the aspirations of some stuffed animal some lonely person is humping? it:s just this single bad untouchable hypothetical nuke to shove under my nose bc sad

63. then "what if the nuke had an anime girl drawn on it" responded w/ "what if a person gets a tattoo?" met w/ "sometimes i think my only purpose is to be r-worded (sexual)" met w/ me not replying because i m not here to be someones vent therapist when i am doing bad

64. i don:t know why this specifically makes me as upset as it does -- it:s just the perception that a person doesn:t actually care about "the feelings of objects" & just wants to pick-apart my opinions on objects bc they r sad is, idk; feels like i am being used pointlessly; ok done

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:17 P.M.

65. when i look @ chiptune christian twitter posts it is almost always "we are trolling people who hate us but instead of saying slurs we r saying we love them & christ 4gives" it:s love thy enemy taken way too literally; aggro w/ gentle words is still aggro

66. i think it:s like: lets pretend they aren:t your enemy & they don:t hate tf out of you, & the person you are dealing with is a loved one who is having a tantrum; do you a) put urself in their business and just repeatedly dodge blows while saying christ 4gives, or b) give distance

67. ^ this is just me having uneducated take on Love Thy Enemy but to me it falls into the b) camp & treating an enemy with the same courtesy that your loved ones would; & when ur loved ones are angry: you probably give them space & time & don:t poke @ the wound

68. i:m thinking way to consistently/ideally; realistically the christian person is hurt just as much & trying to react in the best way they know how (or trying to suppress natural hurt/anger to keep to christs teachings); i 4get that ideals r to strive 4 not something ur @ already

69. ust always unfairly biased against christians (¯△¯#) i try to tell my-self i don:t h8 them but knee-jerk i definitely do hate them -- way more than christianity; i don:t think i have malice 4 the idea, just the people

    

@ 8:33 P.M.

70. when the sewersidal arai-san postd that theyre still alive & can:t die yet: i felt that; i:ll stay alive too arai-san ^^

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:26 P.M.

71. need more stories about 31 year old desperate female virgin losers

    [replier 1] what r the best ones u know

    i don:t know any

    [replier 1] Life is cruel. Shortage of femcel fiction

    plenty of nonfiction :-/

    [replier 1] for the amount of reality there should be a shared poetry.. something needs to be the stepping stone bc i would definitely read a manga like that.

    there:s stuff like lesbian experience w/ lonelinessbut that:s still 20s, net juu is 30s i think; i think most of the stuff about lonely ppl in 30s is usually pornographic / background character, bc the audience 4 it is small & the ppl who r there probably want Escapism (net juu)

    [replier 1] I get that. the mc needs to be relatable for sales......i feel like the "lonely 30s no-lifers" would apply to a wide range of ppl(even if theyre not30, they could still understand) but i feel like they wouldnt go out and read t and probably just check it out online or something.

72. altho there was this quote by the full moon wo sagashite author about how she wantd to appeal to fans who grew up w/ her work, so she had her MC transform into young girl instead (idol dreams): n i like this it appeals to me; but it:s also nice to just see a mirror of desperation

73. i rlly like rikako in raging loop bc of this; she:s like 27 & supposed to be a really wise-noble-erudite figure, but she:s a massive dork with no real social skills & is kind of a massive piece of shit <-- & i like that bc it:s just like me ^^

…from birthday @nabarSBL

@ 9:58 P.M.

74. just posting saint tail pictures

    

75. goignt o waatc an episode of yondemasu yo & go to sleep i think ('◇')ゞ

@ 10:18 P.M.

76. based demon summoner saves a girl from being molested while crummy angel sulks off; i love yondemasu yo

    

@ 10:24 P.M.

77. i had fun watching; i:m goign to go lay down now; goodnight (^^ゞ

    

---

Dec 15th

TODAY:S FORECAST：i read “my solo exchange diary” & try to kill myself _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:34 A.M.

1. >don:t 4get we are going to chevy dealer this mornign to drop off your truck she never told me this @ all

@ 7:09 A.M.

2. nvm i am wrong i:m the asshole it wasb uried in some text i didn:tremmber @ all; actually makes me feel like my brain is dying

3. i really don:t kno what is up with my memory i was 100% convinced this never happened and it clearly happened i even responded to it

…from Mara Barl @marabaraLTD

@ 7:18 A.M.

4. could only ever hope ppl will make posts like this about me

   

5. it:s funni to me, i:ve been clean from s/h 4 ~three months & it feels like instead of filling that gap w/ more positive coping-tools, the only thing that happened was the distance between myself & [planning ideation] was minimized; drawing is all i have & going outside is scary

6. that sounds way too depressive, may-be; i don:t really intend to give-up; i just feel kind-of frustrated that removing one of my trash habits did nothing to prevent me from being a landfill (~~)ゞ the hiki room following me every-where i go is really scary to me; people are, too

@ 8:43 A.M.

7. the fans coming thru; i hate animals though

   

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:14 A.M.

8. when is someone going to speak up about these ruthless twitter minors predating upon broken old twitter ppl

9. found big /a/ yuri manga list; i kno some so may-b it:s a good list (there is like a 75% chance i feel when reading yuri that it:s just porn trash w/ different paint); i:m really depressed today & thinking bad thoughts so may-be the light of yuri is what i need

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:16 A.M.

10. wish all the artists i look up to & rt ended up w/ more followers than me; they deserve way more attention than they get

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:19 A.M.

11. i read some stuff yesterday that referred back to my sexual coldness in-relation to relationships & how it makes me undesirable (understandably -- which is why it hurts, i think) & have been really down-on-myself over it; & just in general i feel really bad about sex organs

12. the opening post is kind of sincere, only really ~50% sincere; i get the impression most of the people who harass me are probably fairly young & upholding some strong social moral code i need to be subjected to / mocked over; on the flipside: the late 20s t-word is ruthless too

13. do this game on any dollposter acct where you see how many steps it takes you to get to someone having a callout or engaging in callout discourse; or claiming to be some toxic cultist; & it:s almost always some hurt late 20s person sensitive about their transition (i mean empathy

14. ^ it:s probably way more accurate to strip away direct labels like "minors are ruthless" "t-words are ruthless" & more simply just like: "ppl who only ever care to be exposed to their ingroup are ruthless"; imo don:t trust left ppl who have zero right friends, & vice-versa

15. neways i:m gonna reread the lesbian experiences books and make myself more depressed, then maybe do scientology stuff / read more yuri o7

16. one more post, i feel obligated to add-on more to the "hurt trans person sensitive about transition" bc it sounds more mean than i meant; i ran out of space but i meant to empathize w/ it because i was definitely like that 4 awhile ^^super vitriolic bc my life was hell & i get it

@ 9:35 A.M.

17. she:s just like me /b/ros; completely controlled by social media & fear

    

18. this was such a sick idea to read this

    

@ 9:49 A.M.

19. it:s up to u mara; can you do it???

    

20. ojh no i don:t like this page

    

@ 10:05 A.M.

21. this chest pain is so familiar to me; n what comes after too lol; comic is completely accurate; this is making me so miserab;e; keep reading it & getting thoughts like "@ least she:s been working towards something, i:ve worked towards nothing, i should say goodbye to everyone"

    

22. those ideation flashes r really constant; i think stuff like that is normal but i:ve been getting afraid of myself/my-moods lately, because usually ideation is with like, a loose cathartic "idea" of what you:ll do; 4 me it:s become "i:m going to finish this & puncture my ///"

23. in online resource stuff i always hear when you get to this stage it:s like, Critical, & you should probably tell someone / go some place; i get afraid of doing either because money + shame + i worry it:ll be seen as manipulative, so i usually hide it until after it passes

24. it usually passes when the insect world gives me a funny game response & interrupts the plan; ie: i am going to do it in the afternoon & not say anything -- oh, i have to take my mom to the doctors; or: oh, i need to sign 4 a package @ some point today; nevermind; i:m calm

25. i:ve been thinking about texting stalker-chan and apologizing 4 never responding to her / how i acted; i just kind of miss you; i typed you accidentally ^^ you were a real one, & i hope you stayed alive these past three years

26. i know you also wanted to end it & you also were also in a really bad place; i didn:t really know how to empathize @ that time; & almost karmic: i realize i am in the same tar; and i am also kind of suffocating from the dead-endedness & the hopelessness & loneliness

27. aaa; i:m crying; i:m sorry dude; i get it, though

@ 10:29 A.M.

28. you too huh

    

    

29. cried a bunch; going to go drive around since i have the car today

@ 11:23 A.M.

30. almost cried in store ~y~ walked around a parking lot thinking about how my small hands & feet keep me from looking like a guy; & my non-existent ass & chest keep me from looking very girly; i am a board dude; god hated the women (& men) of this family <-- why they all died out

@ 11:39 A.M.

31. promotd ads :-/

    

32. keep having this childish thought about: if i [exit] enough times may-be i can get lucky enough to reroll in-to a scientology family next-time around so it:d be easier 4 me to get in-to it & have a place w/ ne-one-@-all

    [replier 2] u know as well as i do we can't just [exit] the stage . it doesn't work . it never works .

@ 1:05 P.M.

33. 

    

@ 1:39 P.M.

34. [substacker:s note: i saw the reply [replier 2] left me & it made me really upset. i wanted to prove them wrong, so i decided i would kill myself.]

35. how deep do i need to go tiio leave lioll this juyst hurts [substacker:s note: the initial attempt made a lot of blood come out & i had to type w/ one hand 4 this because it was dripping everywhere, so i just let it drip on the floor since it:s granite]

@ 1:48 P.M.

36. my body isd shakung i cant do this lol im sorry

37. to the replie r you were right i dont hav eit inme i am too freaked out theres a gape in my wrist and feeling the tip of the tool pass over the tendon freaks sd me out

38. rip to 3 months need to cleran the floor

    

@ 1:58 P.M.

39. nvm round 2 [substacker:s note: when i washed the blood off i saw how weak my attempt was, so i decided to try again with more pressure and trying to turn my brain off when i get to the tendon]

@ 2:13 P.M.

40. actually just a coward & i just feel stupid [substacker:s note: it didn:t work; the prior six posts were deleted @ this point]

@ 2:44 P.M.

41. walkd around feeling numb laid down n startd crying immediately; feel really nauseous

42. have to pick up my mom from work in a few hours so i can:t b sad all day i guess; gonna work on substack or something

43. i thought maybe i would feel some catharsis from that but i just feel like the hopelessness is completely inescapable, & that my own cowardice is another cage i am trapt in; just feel fragile, i guess; need to stpo reading that comic; my head is in a really bad place; avoid ppl

@ 3:58 P.M.

44. 

@ 4:18 P.M.

45. 

@ 4:25 P.M.

46. somehowi have this feeling my mom knows already; she sent me a msg about the truck costs & then started typing osmething and deleted it; i know it seems irrationalthat she would know when she is several towns away but she definitely knows

@ 4:56 P.M.

47. keep imagining this person finds uot about what i did & i make them feel sad & i hate that; there are other people too but just feel like i let down the purity of their art & that i would dirty it if i ever touched it

    

48. i:d really like to make fudge; my mom used to make it & is aw some when iw as driving and going into sthops; n i don:t think i:ve had fudge in like a decade; wonderhow hard it is to make

49. i am crumbling lol

@ 7:43 P.M.

50. 🥰 hello thirty year old nagata kabi

    

@ 8:59 P.M.

51. i don:t know if i can read this one; it:s too much like mayo clinic and my mom i feel like i am goign to faint reading it and i can:t even focus on the words because they:re way too sharp it makes my chest feel tight

    

52. woah there:sjust a bunch of dog shit in the middle of my floor; i took that dog out 3 times ; ;

53. guess i m still depressed; & my arm is sore; it:s mostly just weird to me how it feels like nothing happened @ all & it:s just back to normal daily life w/ normal daily nothing going nowhere routine, again; i:m glad i didn:t make a person i was living w/ cry, but just me is weird

54. jsut, you know, the loneliness; it:s just some dumb thing i did that no one would ever really know about if i didn:t enjoy diarying; n i keep getting Tactical thoughts about how to do it better (silly); but more-so just struggling with "everyone was right about me" over relpaseng

55. just sort of: i don:t want love, i just want to be a victim; three months really wasn:t a long time; i:m not worth staying w/ iris & if i took her up on her offer she:d quickly realize i was little more than a cancerous dark lump in the corner that gave her anxiety

56. i don:t think even the scientologists would want me; even though the thetan is immortal, i guess it:s a bad signal when the thetan has been aberrated to such an extent that it just does dumb ritualistic destruction of vessel; completely broken reactive mind; the engrams won ~y~

57. should probably not frame everything around "others are right about me" & be more receptive to the idea that something in me is worth love; i m just kind of @ a low point, i guess; should try to stay away from Heavy Thoughts too but tbh i have absolutely nothing to do ^^;

58. i wanna get it out of the way tho :-/ i:m almost odne

    

@ 9:31 P.M.

59. please don:t die dude

@ 9:42 P.M.

60. ok finishd i can read yuri now if i want to & then feel even more bitter bc incel; gonna read dowman sayman off that chart

61. that:s so thematic; attention seeking stuff like this really is the heart of yuri

    

62. went three pages of this thinking they were just saying magical words

    

63. w/e yuri is trash i:m not reading

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:11 P.M.

64. today was really hard; i:m going to go to bed; please never give up on yourself, ok?

---

Dec 16th

TODAY:S FORECAST：a birthday-only day; i reflect on some things; bond with characters; i decide to continue suicide experiments & make another attempt (*_*;

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「Since you watch a lot of anime & read a lot of manga doesn't sexual stuff come up frequently that could make you uncomfortable? Or are you used to it or know how to avoid it」

good evening, thank you 4 writing to me & i apologize 4 responding late; sex is a part of life & i m old, anonymous; still it:s a hard question to answer really exactly, & i m stumbling on how to explain it; so here are just some scenarios i can remember:

danbooru: i almost always search w/ "rating:safe" on to filter out characters-i-like being dicked; it makes me uncomfortable, i don:t like seeing them like that, & i think it is generally tasteless; sometimes safe isn:t enough & you:ll still get some character getting molested through her clothes, & feelings are about the same -- but it:s more-so tasteless to me than it is vitriol. there was one instance where i was looking up pics of norio & tons n tons of pics of him being raped on danbooru -- & i just really didn:t like this, it made me upset / depressed.

fraternite: love this game, haven:t finished it; haven:t even got far; the subject matter is insanely upsetting; there is also tons of h-scenes; like a straight hour of consecutive h-scenes @ the sequence i was @. i just looked @ the cg, went oh, ok, then covered the window & turned on auto & used textractor:s always-on-top feature to read it while i browsed the internet (so i wouldn:t have to see sex)

subahibi & most other VNs where h-scenes aren:t the focus: i just read them; i usually click through them quickly because they:re usually pretty rapey & boring; in subahibi there were two i thought were kinda cute: i thought kimika + mamiya, & one of the twins scenes, was cute; i feel less terrible about sex in general if it feels like the characters decide it 4 themselves; but, still: it feels like "i am not meant to see this & i am a voyeur on intimacy" so i try to give space n just read thru quick porn posters on twitter: probably turn off RTs & mute & put them on a list if i want to put up w/ it

narutaru: thought it was fine, i don:t dwell on it but you:re meant to feel upset & they make me feel upset; i care less about the story having them than i do people sending me pictures of it like narutaru is defined by the rape scenes

^ whatever pattern to "this" is my answer, anonymous; stay safe, ok?

☆彡「Even husks deserve to be loved」

answering this in pt2

☆彡「Would like to apologize for my earlier cc about husks, you are right to get upset as I flew around personal terminology to you in a vague way to try and seem kind and poetic, which is well intentioned selfishness.」

good evening anonymous; thank you 4 writing to me & the follow-up & i apologize 4 responding late; first: please do not beat yourself up over me being upset; i get really hair-trigger offended by things some-times & i don:t want people to be afraid to show kindness; & likewise i do not want to be afraid to both send, & receive kindness; i know you meant well & i apologize for how i reacted in the twitter thread; it:s not my aim to make people feel bad, but i have to take responsibility when i do, & i am sorry; take care of yourself, ok anonymous? all terminology aside: you are worth love, too

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:26 A.M.

1. i:m awake; had long nightmare about scientology and slavery; i rememberi was in some scientology controlled mall that i wasn:t allowed o leave & i woke up almost about to wet myself bc i thought i was in a bathroom; some CC question trying to cheer me up but it made me upset

2. question(?): "even husks deserve love"; thoughts: "are you right handed? how do you even know? do you even know how i feel? why are you telling me this? why are you just giving me contextless statements pointing @ me possibly feeling unlovable? why do you think i think that?"

3. "why do you think it:s being left-handed that makes me think i can:t be loved? why do you not think it:s because i ruin every relationship i am in because i am basically an emotional abuser due to constant injurious behavior and not knowing how to love others properly? husk?"

4. "why do you not think it has to do with my lack of resources and ability to be independent? or about all the dumb shit i keep doing that makes people cry? or that i can:t leave florida @ all and i am completely dependent on my mom who i am terrified of and did weird shit to me?"

5. and it just makes me feel like a child to get upset over someone trying to show support to me; all i can do is see evil in their kindness; it:s all just upsetting, & then i get upset @ myself 4 getting upset @ someone who is blatantly just trying to be nice; & i second guess it

6. just acting pathetic; other people probably aren:t good 4 me; looks like kabi-senpai is 4 years older than me now, i think; i:m not good @ counting; i was reading thru her twitter; i guess i:ve been upset off/on all night about myself>others & others>myself

7. myself>others because i am not a very good person, i was trying to think of good things i did 4 iris in our relationship & it was: making her coffee every morning, always doing the chores, being cheerful in the morning, always apologizing if i did bad, & not judging issues

8. but i think about being closed off physically, and scaring her w/ how i behaved like a robot sometimes when i needed to be emotional, and not sleeping, & doing risky s/h stuff even tho she didn:t want me to, & not being able to work or make decisions, & having tantrums w/ routine

9. && i think about some stuff said recently, in most-recent relationship, about me wheni was trying to sound like i was working on my issues: two months is /not/ a long time -- & she was right, it wasn:t, & i m back to 0 again; & if i really knew how to love i wouldn:t b doing this

10. really kind of narcissistic vibe where instead of thinking about others all i can do is focus on my flashbacks and bad-memories & unhappiness; where is the room 4 love? i think this line of thought is what drove me to trying to dig my way to the artery but i:m ultra squeamish

11. every time i pressed down hard like i needed to stab, i felt it compress and kind of collapse and the tendon would roll against the tip -- & it just made me want to puke each time; i saw it in the photos; & idk; it just feels upsetting to me to be called a husk over this

12. ^ i don:t think the hard working curious-catter had ne malicious or bad intent; it:s just a language they know; but husk means something very specific to me: it means left-handedness & it:s not something i have ever felt bad about; i feel bad about being a burden to others

13. loneliness, too; it:s probably not ideal 4 me to talk w/ other ppl today so i m going to try to avoid them bc i feel like i am way-too-fragile; so i:ll be my own best friend today ^^ hello mara good morning i love you; you should stop typing sad stuff, may-b southpark incest?

14. ^ i checked the southpark hashtag bc i saw some weird cartman emoji w/ it & it was just a wall of incest; southpark really is wild recently; neways i:m off 4 a bit ('◇')ゞ take care of yourself, mara

@ 9:20 A.M.

15. did cardio 4 an hour & took bandages off b4 shower; still bleeding very slightly but it:s so insignificant that it triggers this weird -- dysphoria? i guess? -- feeling that i need to do it better, & that:s one way the cycle keeps it-self moving: i end up hating my self-hate

16. i guess i:m not really sure who/what i:m holding on 4; @ this moment i feel really far from qliphoth or any-one else; even the illusions & torture bugs are far away; reading kabi-samas diary made me realize my mom doesn:t talk to me @ all, & vice-versa; we:ve never liked eachothr

17. i had a flicker of optimism typnig that, that: the feeling that i am being swallowed up right now is the inherited cracks in my material & birth-right; & the feelings that i am struggling w/ are my divine birthright; the patheticness i feel is my divine ecstasy, i guess

18. so i:m going to sink a little bit deeper again today

19. [substacker:s note: after that post i try to kill myself again by re-opening the wound and trying to make it deeper / work up more courage to puncture the “circuitry”]

@ 9:57 A.M.

20. bodies are way more resilient than ppl give them credit 4 huh

@ 10:25 A.M.

21. not going-to beat myself up over it today; if i:m going to be chaotically depressed i can do it w/ some grace & remember my faith has a place 4 me; i took a shower & made an espresso cup (it:s the only bowl i have & my only cup) of yogurt w/ 5 blueberries & half-tbsp of granola

22. in the shower i was trying to reframe it to be more positive, like s-word (terminal) experiments lain; or the albino girl in wonder egg w/ her near-death experiments -- i didn:t like her that much, but i liked her a lot, too; truthfully: i don:t think i have it in me to "commit"

23. ^ plus all this "reframing" falls apart the moment it gets exposed to light (read: someone elses feelings & shame @ hurting someone else); i guess as subtext i just am frustrated with having-had put up with everyone-elses issues, while being expected to self-manage wholly alone

24. ^ words of a coward (^^; but i said i:m not going to beat my-self up super hard today 4 doing it; i:m going to have a nice lunch & try to draw a little -- kabi-sama:s twitter (@.gogatsubyyyo) really has inspired me to try to draw more & improve, so i:ll try that out today

@ 12:12 P.M.

25. i:ve been editing text but sudden;y i am kind of hit w/ "all i want to do is sleep the day away"; i don:t want to fall too farb ehind on substack bc i still have sept-oct to finish & am already ~10 days behind in december; my deadline to apply 4 insurance passed last night

26. kind of silly but i want to just wrap my arms around shino and fall asleep in her lap; i imagine she smells like laundry & mildew, slightly; in the same way, i wish i was her; but today i am aosa mako, & i want my friend shino to comfort me be-cause i am hurting, a little

    

27. she:s left-handed, so i know i can trust her; & i can know that she has the exact same faith that i have; & i want to be comforted by that, be-cause i:m really lonely, to-day

28. suddenly my whole body feels cold; started thinking about hugging shino & realized i just really want to be held & feel another person, & suddenly my chest and legs r freezing; @@ have substack to edit; i:m trying to avoid my comfort drink (coffee) today to exert self-control

@ 2:29 P.M.

29. 

@ 3:59 P.M.

30. freaking out again because someone is trying to talk to me and invite me to be with a group and it:s just so frightening & i feel even more frightened trying to explain myself because i can:t tell if hat:swhat they /want/ me to feel & what they /want/ me to say [substacker:s note: i:m not sure what this was referring to — i think it was on second life; someone wanted me to join the sim discord that is full of people i knew & i started to get triggered with my paranoia-insect-speech & freaked out and left SL]

@ 4:44 P.M.

31. 

32. this was one of the weirder episodes; but it still is really sweet

    

33. whole show is scorched earth unsafe territory 4 me imo; first episode is probably fine to watch; episode seven & episode nine & episode ten are too much, though; nine wouldn:t be so bad if it wasn:t 4 life support; i really don:t like how the room looks just like hospice

34. refuse to rewatch it; just skim thru & find screenshots i like; audio off

@ 7:13 P.M.

35. suddenly my whole wrist feels really tight/awful; neways i think i am calmer now; going to respond to the CCers -- i got a follow-up on the husk thing; please do not beat yourself up over that -- i am eggshells occasionally & you should:nt try to curate yourself over appeasing me

36. responded to everyone; feel really depressed again, so i think i:m going to lay down; just really lonely, i guess; no, it:s specifically: i hear about people enjoying each-other & being with each-other and i feel like i am being crushed by something invisible; so i will lay down

@ 7:55 P.M.

37. :m back up already; i laid down and thought "i miss iris" & "i was supposed to be in LA" & just immediately broke down crying & shaking, but i don:t have a door and my mom is one room over so i just tried to b as quiet as possible, but snot filld my throat and i couldntbreathe

38. so i got up; kinda mentally went down thru the list of all my relationships 1 by 1 & realized they are gone now & i am completely alone; & idk; i was trying to tell myself "get as much courage as you can 4 tomorrow & you won:t have to do this anymore ever again"

39. & then, as myself, to myself "you know you don:t have the courage to do that, it:s all just bravado to seem like u are in control" -- & she (myself) is right; i don:t; i am just going to lie to myself that i am getting closer & then keep on existing in my coffin; based

40. extremely based

41. you said it, noda

    

@ 8:52 P.M.

42. the entire sky is crushing me, noda

    

43. o hey, found jmeysan:s pixiv (jmeysan is their twitter name); there was this stint where they:d post fotos of their most recent [exit] attempt; got to see how damaged their arm was & like the weekly pill cocktail they were attempting w/; super tough 4 me to see, noda

44. i think i associate kemono friends w/ sewersidal ideation because it feels really baked-in @ an oil level, to me; ie: the premise is loosely this alien goo stuff turns stuff in-to happy bimbos (kemono friends) & they:re full of love & their clothes r part of their body

45. & it:s just prime: please god turn me into a kemono friend i want to be cute & happy -- it attracts people drawing their depression in the shape of a cute friend, noda

@ 9:14 P.M.

46. i think i:d really enjoy rewatching magical girl raising project w/ someone; i just want to see swim swim again mostly -- i liked her & ripple the most; hardgore alice w/ snowwhite was really cute, too

    

47. swim swim mostly be-cause i feel like she has the same loser brain-damage that i have -- but is way cooler than me ^^ i:ve been thinking about her bc while cataloguing old posts in-to substack, there was this post from the manga where she holds a decapitated body, &, idk, mushy

    

48. here; she:s such a special character to me & it:s such an affectionate picture; i don:t really buy in-to the whole weird "death love wires-cross" thing some ppl do, but i just really think caring 4 someones corpse like this is a special type of intimate <-- put this poorly :x

    

49. in part i love her just because on personality-database we were a perfect match @ intj/5w6; a big part was she got super sucked in-to the slave/master dynamic that i fell 4 when i was young (& presently, really); another part tho is: lack of human emotions everyone kinda ignores

50. people ignore it up un-til they get too close; i am putting it oddly because it:s not like me or swim-swim are weird emotionless bug ppl, it:s the "you don:t love right" thing; it:s like u experience yourself not as yourself so you have a strange distance between yourself & world

51. & then, like -- u fall in-to situations that ruler fell in, where she realizes this kid is way too obsessed w/ literal interpretations of everything & how important every word ruler says is; or fav realizing she is fucking stupid & just wants to finish her homework bc she has to

52. & it:s really silly but it:s like the corpse-hug to me,, the significance of death hasn:t really hit her bc she has a big strange gulf between her & world; so you hug the corpse, because you care in a weird way, & don:t really understand the big deal w/ death: it just happens

@ 9:33 P.M.

53. favorite swimmer; ok ^^ i:m still depressed, i didn:t have dinner tonight; going to lay down & try to sleep, goodnight

    

---

Dec 17th

TODAY:S FORECAST：mostly a bit of drawing, and some depression (゜_゜)

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「If visual art is representation and music is abstraction, is writing (poetry, prose) representation too?」

good afternoon anonymous, & thank you 4 taking the time to write to me ^^; answer is simple (?): yes*; 4 the distinction you have to make a very literal divide in your head between "form" vs "idea" -- ie, the form of sheet-music or instrument or throat will always be representational/demonic, while the shapeless idea-concept-sound-music will always be

abstractive/angelic; all prose/poetry on paper is demonic, but the abstracted sentiment/idea is angelic; it makes it easier 4 me if i view it as idol-worship: the reason why religions tend to err against icons is bc it often is read as just worshipping a physical form that distracts you away from the greater abstract God. take care anonymous, ok?

☆彡「what are your thoughts on (non-wignat) norse paganism/heathenism?」

good evening anonymous, thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; honestly none @ all -- if you pressed-me-down i don:t think i could give an answer defining wignat-ism, norse-paganism, or heathenism -- so this answer is going to be really lackluster, i think. i don:t think i can say much besides i don:t really know nething about them except they:re environment intelligence like ne-other environment intelligence; sorry anonymous, keep cool, ok?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:06 A.M.

1. can:t stay asleep; ughhhhhHNHHHH gm

2. time to watch lets p(:_;)lays (:_;)

@ 2:20 A.M.

3. あtebreakfast i feel so bad i shouldn:t have eaten but i felt rlly sick from not eatingt & now i feel sick from eating poison; u can:t win

4. coffee would be really nice though ~~ i haven:t had ne plain coffee since i got here (i made a cup @ first, then decided i didn:t like plain coffee nemore & 4got to empty the coffeemaker & it grew tons of mold, so i:ve been scared about it) but it might be nice atm; rlly tired

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 2:29 A.M.

5. ???

   

6. being trans makes me more and more transphobic every day; i don:t know if i mean that @ all, it:s more-so the trans culture the trans idols the crab-in-bucket attacking the worship the refusing to care about self is just actually poisonous

7. i:m sure i:m guilty of several parts of that

8. i;m guessing this person is having some kind of breakdown online & i just feel extra bad because i am apparently partof their breakdown; it:s mostly about Redacted, though; may-b i just feel this way (about trans ppl) bc i never had a following while i was cis really

9. ^ not wholly true, but my following was league players n shockingly: league players were more chill (they did dox me though)

@ 2:56 A.M.

10. about Redacted2 too? and about rape? water in the worldis going on; i was jst trying to sulk in private away from everyone but now i got this person so i have to b over here bc it:s spooky

11. oddest part about this whole thing to me is my own feeling of being slightly upset that i was called a trans girl

12. twitter is wilding me out tonight; someone else i follow rt:d an omocat callout thread & the thread itself is written like a computer generated it

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 3:08 A.M.

13. i made some! still don:t like plain normal black coffee very much ~y~ it:s really weirdbecause i felt like i loved it as recent as november; still awake tho, & still kind of thinkign about swim-swim; i finished editing substack-post but i need to make picture; i love swimmer ^^

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 3:52 A.M.

14. hope that person finds, idk, peace w/ whatever is going on w them

@ 4:14 A.M.

15. o k; back to being a depressed recluse

16. feel like i lost faith in so much; myself mostly

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:55 A.M.

17. o hey new fnaf game; deep secret (?) of mine is i really think fnaf is an amazing franchise & scott is a genius @ game design (if only 4 the first one)

18. something that was really sad 4 me was being in the first /v/ fnaf thread when this guy was streaming it & fnaf had never been beaten yet (ppl thought it was AI controlled & grew smarter each time u played) & seeing everyone love it -- then it got popular & everyone hated it

19. it:s silly but: whenever i think something is really magical like fnaf i try to hold on-to the initial memory bc i also kind-of am susceptible to the "popular=lame" phenomenon; atmosphere in fnaf is 10/10 tho & it was like the horror game everyone wanted to make but never did lol

@ 6:00 A.M.

20. i really love my cat, because she loves me a lot -- i get mad @ her often because she is actually annoying (she walks on my tablet and turns touch-control on/off & the guide overlay constantly, & knocks shit over, & wakes me up @ 2 am every day by pulling my hair) but --

21. sometimes i try to ignore her & she:ll meow @ me & her meows sound to me like a spouse nagging me 4 not being more considerate -- & i kinda like that; but wow is she annoying, i try to get away from her as much as possible because she keeps knocking shit over & jumping on me ^^;

@ 6:22 A.M.

22. 

@ 6:35 A.M.

23. 

@ 6:40 A.M.

24. 

@ 7:03 A.M.

25. 

26. i was looking @ eris/petday3 stuff n trying to force myself to remember The Natural Way To Draw (the book)

27. really i just want to figure out how to draw better so i can catch up to hen in skill & draw good fanart 4 stuff i love (`へ´#) but something w/ connecting shapes together in head / on canvas works so poorly 4 me; the way hen draws really inspires me but i:m so dumb w/ art

28. i would probably benefit a lot from just sitting down & rendering spheres/squares 4 hours a day; anatomy charts too may-be but i:m more wary of that part bc i:m really impatient + even if i draw things repeatedly i don:t seem to internalize it ever <-- may-be not grind hard enuf

29. really just trying to find any motivation @ all today to try to keep my spirits up, i think; sleeping 4 a little bit made the crushing depression go away, but i:m still really tired; just kind of fawning over swim swim still, in a "i wish i could connect" way; she:s so cool to me

30. one more post & i m shutting up: i like eris:s stuff bc i feel like it:s closer to how i "function" in terms of processing shape, ie: i can:t mentally do it w/ line @ all, i do it way better if i slowly build it up w painterly spheres like sculpting (like in natural way to draw)

31. ^ but i don:t like doing thisbc i want to be a cool line art illustrator -- but i suck @ it ^^; ok brb

@ 9:47 A.M.

32. did an hour of cardio; depressed but still doing basic self-care ~y~ i went out & got more conditioner too bc i m out n my hair is super dry l8ly; truthfully i was planning on another attempt today but i think i m fine to not do it; i don:t think i would succeed anyways

33. feels a little pathetic, like: if i m going to decline i should just lean in-to it & not let up -- which was my plan, to try to attempt it each day until the fear went away one day -- but i just kinda want to enjoy the day today, i think; o-k, i need to shower ^^ i love swim swim

    

34. sorry one more bc i just took the bandages off -- what happened yesterday is i took bandages off, saw that my attempt day-prior left a weak-looking mark, so i just sort-of re-opened it & did it again in the same spot; looking @ it now: same urge is back, but resisting @@

35. it:s this weird dysphoria where unless a mark looks satisfying enough -- i guess hurt enough -- it makes me want to correct it until it matches me idea of how it should look; but with this area it terrifies me because i have a really bad phobia of body "circuitry" that beats me

36. plus you just, feel it, idk; you feel it roll around the tip; you feel the instrument skip over the area when you put pressure, & every-time it was like a jumpscare -- even though going thru that little guy was my intent; just "ok try three" *skips off tendon* oh fuck stop, etc

37. if you do ne-thing you should do it w/ dignity, i guess; that was 24 hours a-go tho & this is now & i:m just going to be fine today & think about beloved autistic groomed magical girl & her manipulative office worker wage slave powerless-irl (but loving secretly; kind-of) groomer

    

@ 10:25 A.M.

38. i love swimmer!

@ 10:42 A.M.

39. i had yogurt 4 lunch ^^ i was really looking 4ward to it because i wanted to eat something clean & i put six frozen blueberries in it (i wanted five but one was super tiny); i love swimmer! swimmer is a really cute nickname to me, she:s a great character i miss her

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:43 A.M.

40. i:m not so depressed todaym aybe; i wanted to try drawing more like eris & had fun w it; it:s easier 4 me to get form down tthis way but i stink @ clean up

    

41. posting black mamba art from pixiv bc she is really cute w/ boomslang but there:s no art of her; black mamba is easily my favorite snake irl i think; art is from https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/61379412

    

42. i like the dynamic of her having anger issues & basically can:t function w/o boomslang; & even tho boomslang is really upbeat & outgoing, it:s really boomslang who protects her ^^

43. it:s like the junko & hecatia dynamic! or the shizuo & ...celty? izaya? dynamic

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:05 A.M.

44. i 4got i:m not supposed to eat yogurt >3<

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:47 A.M.

45. habanero-tan on the toilet being a figma is really cool to me lol

    

46. omg she:s in the toilet in every scene it:s so dumb but it made me laugh

47. makes me want to watch netrun-mon even tho the first thing i found searching 4 netrun-mon was "don:t watch it"

@ 12:49 P.M.

48. i:ve started referring to swim swim as "swimmer" & it:s the cutest nickname in the world to me; i love swimmer

    

@ 4:12 P.M.

49. oh my god the developmental disability authorartist showd my fanart on their story >w< AAAAA i:m blushing oh my god

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:33 P.M.

50. i don:t understand shape (╥﹏╥)

    

@ 5:12 P.M.

52. [crying] i have no idea how to do foreshoretening or draw square OR cylinder

    

@ 5:22 P.M.

53. iris used to do this to me n i miss it! on my back; i liked being rubbd like that bc it made me feel like i was a beloved dog ヽ(´▽`)/ which sounds really psychosexual when i was typing it because i made this connection like "ya like how my mom pet the dogs" but still ヽ(´▽`)/

    

@ 5:42 P.M.

54. love this mahjong-hearted girl

55. was combing thru asper girl to find one page & i 4got how bad this comic makes me feel -- the relationship stuff; bc she (of no real fault of her own) is intensely emotionally abusive to her partner, not an abuser, but she is absolutely destroying this guy; & i did that to iris

56. makes me feel really bad; made me felt really bad; o well; i need to find that page

57. found this edit i made tho

    

@ 6:55 P.M.

58. no one flirts with me like that; & it:s probably 4 the best because i would hate whoever did it, but i still want it to happen

59. i got really [ideationy] again suddenly out of nowhere on the drive back home; i was thinking about how i haven:t really had physical flashbacks since i came home (which is good, but weird to me), my crying fits have been non-violent normal loud sad cries, which is nice, but ?

60. kind of wish i was less controlled by feelings (¯△¯#) no doubt reading asper girl may-be made me think about some bad things -- but i also just kind of "like that", you know? i was looking thru old fotos of my scars & saw how bright they were when fresh & it was like *gosh*

61. ^ maybe this is what set me off actually; but still: they were so pretty that i almost couldn:t believe it was a part of me -- and the rings are still there but they:ve faded down & don:t have that perfect rich color ne-more; just really makes me "~~~" you know? i get frustrated

62. more positively tho i found this really nice artist who does really nice (& rare) art of boomslang x black mamba from kemono friends & i really really like that bc they r so cute; i love "anger issues" girl being protected by "more outgoing personable girl" it:s junko & hecatia

    

63. it makes me want to wrap my arms around boomslang and hug her really tightly and kinda Bashedly (using boku pronouns (?)) thank her 4 putting up with me,, and she knows i:m more than my weird emotional issues & that i don:t have to be alone i:m getting really sad suddenly

64. bitch,, if we:re not fucknm i:m fuckn (:_;)

@ 8:05 P.M.

65. jpegmafia is so cool i love that guy

    

@ 8:50 P.M.

66. i really like yondemasu yo

    

67. fuck that dickhead angel; fuck you angel

68. (╥﹏╥) come back

    

…from marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:18 P.M.

69. whining over here 4 a bit instead ^^ mostly just really bad loneliness depression creeping up on me & ideation sneaking back up on me; it:s really been getting the better of me, dk why; i think i:m just in a "other ppl being happy w/ each other makes me bitter" phase

70. i think i only half mean this bc she:s super nice & i like her: the removed thing is still sort-of an open wound 4 me & maybe being exposed to her more was bad 4 me; hard to say -- i just keep thinking about where i:ve ended up n get really chaotically sad about every-thing

71. ^ plus like, i feel that people get more out of my energy than i do ^^; or, how to say: my vibes are eating me alive & other people get to pick n choose what they like 4 their stuff; but this is mostly on-me 4 not utilizing myself better; just kinda lonely i guess

72. i cried a bunch yesterday; i read all of the kabi-sama stuff yesterday (lesbian/solo-exchange/alcoholism) & it kinda fueled several realizations about where i:m @, where i:m going, & what i can do; it was another depressing dirty-mirror, like asper girl, but around my age ^^;

73. there was this part about how she just wantd to feel another person & i kinda got it; i cried and shivered as i cried lol; & i read all of the stuff about her weird relationship w/ her parents, & cried when i realized me and my mom do not talk to each other @ all, ever, ever

74. plus she seems to have some job as a mangaka ^^; although it:s not like having a career was a silver bullet, her problems kinda consumed her way more intensely than mine r eating me up -- but she:s ~4 years older than me, & hit absolute rock bottom, so may-b i can hit that, too

75. i don:t know what the point of this thread was ^^ i like black mamba tho she:s cool; & kabi-sama is a really inspirational artist that makes me want to get better @ drawing & to have more love 4 my memoir-making i do

    

76. still kind-of intensely sad, but also not that sad; this sounds ultra dramatic but lately i feel "clearly in a terrible place" but m just kinda numb to it 4 some reasn so i:m not registering my own emotions correctly; ne-ways i:m going to bed, i think; nighty-night sleep tight <3

@ 10:07 P.M.

77. I'm in bed! i looked in mirror and got bonus moody -- just wish i was born a girl; i am stuck with myself though; o well