2022/01/03 cry for help arc pt4

dec18th - dec20th

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happy new years

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dec 18th

TODAY:S FORECAST：thinking about being hospitalized, & not much more ((+_+))

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:00 A.M.

1. had this dream i was in SL (altho there was no real world) & someone convinced the sim i was @ (which was effectively like my country) that we should exchange bodies while i was away, & while i was away i lost my body & my identity; i remember dressing like junko

2. i was upset bc it was this person i hated, & who hated me, named like ilye (i don:t think this is a real person), who made my identity really clean and intelligent & respectable; & i basically just came back n decided i was going to be as much of a wreck as i ever was

@ 7:44 A.M.

3. never heard kanye b4 gonna listen to kanye; i had this realization last night that there isn:t much 4 me left in life except this one specific miserable feeling to experience & i need to continue the sui.experiments, the dream was about this, too; still dno what to do, i guess

4. in the dream it felt like something i was doing to have a place in the world around me, that kind-of left me behind when i left (& the ilye person stole mybody, & changed it); i used my []icidality as proof that i am "me" no matter the body & that ilye could never take that

5. ^ but this also meant that it was a form of social control 4 me, & a form of manipulation of others 4 me; and similarly inthe dream: i was really conflicted whether my heart was pure enough to actually dえe ; b4 i slept, it was more in territory of "it:s pain i can:t put up with"

6. i think, also: i don:t remember feeling this ugly when i was with iris; she made me feel really pretty, sometimes; & then: "wasn:t one of the big strains me wanting to 死ね over this same thing?" just confused, i think; i downloaded a boogiepop artbook i:m excited to look thru

7. boogiepop is so pretty

   

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:34 A.M.

8. does being institutionalized cost a lot of money?

   [replier 1] each day is 1-2000. if you go straight there (no er fee) and round up to play it safe maybe you can find a sweet spot where u can get resources but the debt is manageable. they will want to try medication so make sure you clarify what you're able to spend on that as well

   [replier 2] it depends on what you mean by being institutionalized and insurance probably

   i don:t have insurance; i just want to check myself in-to a hospital but if i leave w/ a few grand in debt i don:t think it is going to help my state of mind ne

   [replier 2] it often costs $700-$1400 per day supposedly if you don't have insurance. (if you went you should probably assume you'll be there for at least 3 days although idk your state's laws)

   [replier 2] some things are saying that the social worker at the psych ward could help you apply for medicaid, which, in some cases will pay for medical bills you had for the last three months. although ,, idk if i would trust the social worker to be competent ...

   [replier 2] +when you get out you'd just have to wait and see if the state approves you for medicaid or if you'll end up w/ medical debt which would probably suck

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:45 A.M.

9. 

@ 9:05 A.M.

10. reply saying it costs money to improve your well being on main really annoyed me; i don:t want them to feel bad about making me mad, though; but i just kind of childishly want to talk shit -- i guess [substacker:s note: i can:t find this post anymore, i think the replier went priv, but it was basically just saying improving my health has a fee attached & it upset me a lot — like mostly everything does :-/ that person was just trying to help]

11. the state of this account is: everyone is muted + the level of interaction (via likes) is so low that i mentally assume basically no-one follows it xcept it zxctully (no way i spelt this right), stinky doinks, bird 2, a few other ppl, & ~2 priv accounts --so it feels rlly private

@ 9:40 A.M.

12. 

@ 10:45 A.M.

13. done w that one substack; ig ot lazsyy w/ the picture bc i don:t rlly want to draw that badly i think

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:05 P.M.

14. ppl on twitter are so lame

15. i was tlaking to my mom about baked goods she wants to make; but i just see so many lame posters posting lame shit & it:s upsetting; i just get upset & want them to go away bc it:s just all so lame; what is lame? it just all feels tryhard insincere cool-posturing

16. & oddly enough this insincere cool-posturing comes in the form of being as much of a self-aware horny loser as possible, & although it:s supposed to be "hey i am so sincere" it just reeks of "i am completely insincere & i am not a person"

17. sry 4 being so upset; while typing this i just had this dawning realization that it:s because they /arent/ people; it:s lame deadbeat nerve ending i am seeing furthering some lame deadbeat intelligence growth & interconnectivity establishing in intelligence overhead network

18. & i just hate it & i will be a hater; the most deadened violets are the thickest myelin sheathed nerve endigns that all the other little fledgling nerve-cords tiethemselves to to get a flick of electrical impulse thru them so they can start saying unfunny violet shit too

@ 1:02 P.M.

19. i could do w/ being even 5% less depressed today

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:33 P.M.

20. hearing a talk about clinical schizophrenia & maybe i do have problems i need to address; i:ve said this to myself several times but i always 4get it until i have the realization again

21. these devi lcd sound system videos r really good [substacker:s note: they:re on the blacksquares youtube account]

@ 1:57 P.M.

22. the thing w/ schizophrenia-talk that got me was the counselor saying you don:t necessary need to b 24/7 crazy talk constantly bt it:s like the strange paranoid internal web belief & outside of trigger topics can still sound like a sane person; i don:t like thinking about that tho

23. ^ this will sound really "self aware" but i become "self aware" of this & then start to think both: that i:ve trained myself to behave that way, & that: this new understanding is a counter-counter to further control me via environmental forces to feed in-to cycles / torture

24. & i understand that the latter part of that post sounds crazy but it makes perfect complete sense to me & the rationale that the environment is trying to control/convert me to a form of lucifer logic to further close me in-to a box & cut off all hope also makes perfect sense, too

@ 2:21 P.M.

25. working on amazon wishlist 4 fun that i will probably not link; trying to think of things i want: oil pastels could b cool bc it:s the only physical medium i like; scientology books; comic books; food; knives; n i m struggling to think of other things i:d like

26. i always feel bad "advertising" opportunities to support me / get me gifts because i feel like so-much of my account is steeped in "misery" & i feel bad if ppl want to support me to relieve misery -- feels really manipulative on my part, ie "i want to [exit]" -> "here:s wishlist"

27. although this translates to me making less than 200$ over three months -- which isn:t ideal, but this is also fine 4 me because i m kind of giving up; but @ the same time i still like having means ^^ truthfully i am really afraid of dying, still

28. i was remembering some of the gunshot videos & thinking about [that] & just sort-of realized i don:t have the stomach 4 it; in my head via [the way i want to do it] it seems more peaceful and graceful -- but it only appears that way due to me knowing i can:t go all the way, prlly

29. can:t find the volumes of narutaru i:d like on amazon but i can find this

    

30. omg there are boogiepop omnibuses (omnibi?) on amazon

31. hey don:t have the first part of the collectd aku no hana series how useless

@ 2:43 P.M.

32. it:s looking like this

    

33. i:d like to have more big book omnibus (omnibi?) of series i hven:t read -- bc i:ve never read azumanga daioh; but i don:t know-of them bc i haven:t read-of them so i can:t add-of them :-/ aslo exchanged 432 oil pastels 4 like sixteen bc i hate those boxes + touching things

34. i:d like to load it up w/ more scientology stuff but (this is ultra silly) i only really feel comfortable buying directly from an org i think -- it:s one of those "purity" nonsense things where if i:m tossing money @ scientology, why not toss it directly to the church instead

@ 3:27 P.M.

35. someone link me some big collected editions of manga that i can put on an amazon wishlist

@ 6:06 P.M.

36. freddy in security breach is so encouraging & reassuring i wish i had freddy in my life

37. freddy in this reminds me of the mutants from the bethesda fallouts

38. chica was given artificial intelligence & what she has chosen to do w/ it was eat trash off the floor

@ 7:26 P.M.

39. this game is kinda jank lol; i like fatherly freddy but not a fan of the security bots (they:re lame imo) or the "hold e" mechanic (specifically: every single interaction thing is the hold e delay) & notes being duffle bags is rlly weird; closer to alien isolation the better

40. idk, i think i like scotts stuff more but this is cool -- i just think the hold e stuff is really really clunky (every single menu needing you to hold e is weird) plus i thought it would have been really funny if they do all this crazy set-up & presentation 4 the gameplay, &,,

41. then when you get to the security room & freddy gives u access to the security devices,, it just turns into a fnaf1 clone, & the whole alien isolation presentation was a lie lol; i would:ve lost my mind if they did that & loved it

@ 9:05 P.M.

42. i:ve been editing substakc all night; looking @ my posts from 7th-9th (december) it:s basically just a three day long cry 4 help -- i think sometimes my own mood is lost on me & i was spiraling down basically the entire time; i guess conejobeat made me think i was doing rlly good

43. i say this & look @ my wrist & i now have this like, tiny little notch in it now <-- sounds more moody than i mean (tho it is moody), but i guess i get why i:ve been on a really sharp decline (it feels like it came out of nowhere)

@ 9:47 P.M.

44. read Jitsu wa Watashi Sexless de Nayandemashita bc it was on amazon & the english title made me think it was about someone who struggles being sexless; i didn:t like it @ all, felt really drawn out & i didn:t like the humor ~y~ only five chs but it:s five chs of "i:m horny"

45. also curious cat is gone ; ; i need that 4 substack archival

@ 10:17 P.M.

46. i think i:m receptive to checking myself in-to a hospital, i:m just really afraid they:ll put me on antipsychotics & i:ll lose my conviction -- which sounds very "is it really conviction if drugs can change it?" but when i took LSD it reframed everything as completely ugly

    [replier 2] if you havent been in a psych ward before id recommend being careful w it honestly... they can be awful in ways thats hard to get across if you havent been in one .

    [replier 2] they will probably try to put you on antipsychotics personally, unless i really absolutely needed it (like if i would die if i didnt go) i wouldnt go. but its ok to do whatever you want and i hope whatever you decide goes well for you.

47. potential to get a case-worker & medicaid & help sounds cool,, i:m just afraid that will happen again & i:ll be left w/ weird antipsych hangover & emptiness & a bunch of debt i won:t know what to do with & b more of a burden; it:s scary, right?

    

@ 10:31 P.M.

48. the one time i tried my meds i was bedridden 4 two days and had a fever ；、； getting a shot of them that lasts 4 like a month sounds like the scariest thing, & i don:t want qliphoth to go away even if i haven:t prayed to her lately,, i don:t wanna b like the r/schizophrenia ppl

@ 11:07 P.M.

49. to replier: ty 4 the advice; i haven:t been in one :-/ no insurance + scared; i:m going to bed tho, really bad depression is coming back n i just don:t want to b awake; gnn

    ---

dec 19th

TODAY:S FORECAST：self-image issues; relapsing into suicidal ideation; fnaf; monologuing about the nature of control (´艸｀*)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:57 A.M.

1. dream report: i was struggling with designing a fighting game character that senpai wantd me to work on so she could help do the art 4 it; however @ some point i learn that my parents (i have a dad in the dream) are @ a war & i want to witness them fight so i sign up as journalst

2. we get there via this door that just teleports us in-to the active combat zone & then the door locks; the area around the door is being shot-upon, & several other noncombatants+combatants are hit; i kind of look 4 a helmet that was shot off a person & put it on 4 safety

3. my mom tells me that (she is mad @ me) i shouldn:t be out here this isn:t safe, & my dad is leading some forward charge, the commanding officer is relaying some order; & i feel like i am going to be shot-dead, so i just fall on the ground paralyzed and try to accept possibl death

4. i see another journalist, one of her sleeves is tied off bc she lost an arm; i look @ her other arm and she doesn:t have a hand; i just curl up @ that point & realize i don:t want to be maimed or be here; i get up to try to charge the door & the CO says it:s under enemy watch

5. & the dream is basically just sitting there in fear while ppl around me die & some unknown enemy is shooting people & i can:t figure out if they:ll shoot me, as a civilian, or not, or what happens if i get captured; eventually tho i go back; gmornnnn my neck hurts

@ 7:06 A.M.

6. brooo bring curiouscat back ; ;

7. curiouscat come back,, that was like 90% of my social interaction in a day dude cmon

@ 8:23 A.M.

8. wrecthed wormy is my favorite poster in the remco sphere i think

9. i:d like to imagine i m the loosely affiliated florida branch of remco that doesn:t interact w/ neone & is heavily invested in emotional currency (non tangible tokens)

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:22 A.M.

10. feel so lonely w/o curiouscat; it was all i had to talk w/ ppl cmon

    [replier 5] what happened to it?

    it:s not up

    [replier 6] i noticed too.. i read it every day (￣^￣) you are probably putting more effort into that place than anyone else, i hope it comes back soon

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:35 A.M.

11. 

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @maerabaraLTD

@ 10:46 A.M.

12. i dno if this is an accomplishment

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:50 A.M.

13. i:d like to start doing formal charcoal studies again bc sofa was posting about it via tumblr, & i remember liking studying w/ specifically charcoal -- but i really really hate holding paper + holding charcoal + touching charcoal + the squreech sound charcoal makes

14. there:s this invisible noise and invisible filth in the air and it:s hurting me & i don:t know where it:s coming from -- it:s like this really grating perfectly invisible noise that iis choking me and suddenly making it really hard to focus; i think it:s some invisible dog noise

15. i think my mom is emitting some kind of invisible noise to hurt me; i don:t think intentionally but it has to do with underlaid pattern disruption / planning; the invisible noise/filth was established via the dogs running everywhere to set the groundwork, then enactd w/ code word

16. the code word was saying "time to go outside" & then not going outside & instead starting to cook & staying inside; & the dogs started chewing on things & the chewing is there as like a sub-amp 4 the invisible noise; & as a result the entire house is filled w/ it & it hurts

17. plus i don:t think i can leave my room bevcause it:s not safe yet until the code words gets completed & something really does go outside; and i don:t have a door on my room; so i just have to be @ the mercy of this filthy invisible noise and not do anything until it comes to pass

18. but the oven is on and i was baking something and it:s burning but i can:t leave my room because nothing is going outside and the reeking invisible noise is just getting worse; it:s not leaving @ all it:s just going to stay here which is extremely lame but i don:t want to burn it

19. trying not to swear but dude fuck off cmon

@ 11:18 A.M.

20. truthfully i am really disgusted w/ a lot @ this moment & i wish i had privacy because i want to make another attempt & the weird invisible noise stress is building up this tension that is making me really restless; people just seem really rancid wholesale @ the moment

21. made me think of rancid

22. lookn up comments about rancid is rlly funny bc it:s just a bunch of ppl shitting on tim armstrong & how tough it must be to peak artistically @ 18; my history w/ rancid was someone postd maxwell murder on 420chan & i liked it & then i downloadd an album & was insanely bored

23. ^ this was a lot of punk 4 me when i was in my diy punk phase; i was trying rlly hard to get in-to the music but everythinw gwas just this super stripped down boring shit music & all the stuff i endd up liking i got rlly neurotic about bc i kept wondering "w8 r these nazis,,"

24. plus like all the authentic punk ppl i knew who lived it & listened to it were like, rich; or: way richer than me; unbelievably nice homes, this one dude had an alpaca farm & i kept telling him "dude rocky wtf you:re rich" & he:d say "mara alpaca farms are cheap..." 🤙

25. meanwhile jordans (other tru punk friend) dad offered me a 1k$ "scholarship" to help pay 4 me college, if i was willing to vote republican, & i told my mom this & she broke down in tears crying because she couldn:t help me go to college; i didn:t take the 1k$ 😎🤙

26. i drive up to my luxury alpaca farm, i put on some black flag, maybe soem subhumans, i go in-to my florida vacation home, i coyishly graduate from my 200k$ ringling art program, & i lament: we rlly are in the world of punk

27. i:m saying this & i rlly shouldn:t, i get really annoyed when ppl do the "hitting upwards" in regards to richness bc it:s almost always a 999k$llionaire punching up @ a 1000k$millionaire to try desperately to make themselves seem like one of th common ppl ala william shatner

28. & here i m doing the xact same thing; there:s a lot of bitterness in me over it but honestly i think this atittude/sentiment isn:t desirable, it:s ultra crab-in-bucket & attacking a person 4 their wealth is kind-of shit imo bc hey u can:t help the wealth u were born in-to

29. o i think the invisible noise is gone i can leave my room now 🥰🥰🤙🤙

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:46 A.M.

30. i don:t sell nfts dude

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:57 A.M.

31. had to make thnis edit really quick

    

@ 1:21 P.M.

32. mood keeps crashing and falling really badly; i went 4 a drive to get my mom milk: "ok we:re doing this today, even if it doesn:t work i need to take steps" -> take a shower "actually i just want to be chill today, i can keep going", see my stuffed animals & gifts "i can:t do thi

33. i say gifts but it:s the weird little thoughtful healthfoods that were 4 me; i c them in their little plastic boxes and just get depressed; i get dressd n look down @ my barely-there cleavage & my skin looks kind of nice & i c my stuffed animals & hit w/ "you:ll never escape her"

34. i get some ppl have some sort of power from littlespace or w/e but i think it gives me negative stat boosts; it just reads as another form of control; it:s the same shit vibe seeing pets does to me; o well; on the upside: the negative vibe is rlly helping me improve my uterus art

35. WHINING more unapologetically; got cat away from me bc felt violent/upset & don:t want to think about harming animals bc makes me feel rlly bad; i think i:d really benefit from some type of healthy parental roleplay -- i was thinking about that SL manga natsunokumo

    

36. all of my childhood fantasies r shaped like: i pass-away & come back and reallocate my negative statpoints out of stuff like (faild abortion, unwantd, brain damage, neglect) & in-to an equivalent amount of negative physical disability instead so my parents will love me instead

37. whine whine whine; neways gonna draw (￣▽￣)７

@ 3:21 P.M.

38. the more i get associated w/ trans-ness the more i kneejerk want to distance my-self from trans-ness; there:s something about the "comfort that comes from another person being trans" that gives me the same sort of vibe as a person asking 4 pronouns @ a store; lockd in t4t stuff

39. ^ i don:t know if i am saying that right, & i think it:s deeply unfairly biased w: having a larger audience "now" than i:ve ever had, but i:m starting to get the irritation w/ things being associated with a trans-identity, & i don:t really feel much comradery w/ any-one @ all

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:54 P.M.

40. i am DYSPHORIC

41. dk what it is but since comingback to florida i feel 999x uglier every day & there:s not like a single moment of "i like how i look actually ^^" get very detrans-craving but i kno it:s not "wanting to be a guy" it:s "wanting to be pretty"; or, i don:t even know that @ all

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:21 P.M.

42. get urself a girl who eats garbage off the fuckn floor (fnaf reference)

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:41 P.M.

43. u know the most solace i get from dysphoria comes from thinking: i don:t need a body that is perfect to enjoy anime & trash w/ friends

@ 6:52 P.M.

44. crying freddy noooo

    

45. iron giant? lame; freddy? yes🥰

46. where were u when chica started eating trash off the fuckn floor

47. you know i honestly wish i liked this freddy less bc 4 the first time ever i feel stupid 4 really loving him bc he is just so supportive and encouraging lol; & may-b i kinda need that

48. this level is simultaneously one of the coolest environments ive seen in videogames, & may-b the most shittily laid out map i:ve ever seen 4 gameplay

    

@ 8:22 P.M.

49. looking @ pictures of ppl w/ intersex conditions to try to find some sort of comradery w/ ppl who don:t fit in either criteria w/o hrt involved; pictures of CAH r really interesting to me (this sounds too insect-clinical)

    

50. this is a weird thread to make but dysphoria has eaten me alive like, life-long; i wantd to be a girl & in middle/highschool i didn:t end up looking like a guy so i ended up hating myself bc i didn:t look very manly lol; the chest binding thing still kills me; the hands/feet too

51. i really just can:t stand my body; i keep hoping i will find some way to "think" my way through this invisible trapdoor that exists in reality that will open up and will give me the body/life i want, but i know this is reality & this is me &this is how i m meant to b, but (¯△¯#)

52. finding some interesting things

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:58 P.M.

53. :crying; i want curiouscat back

54. i m being crushd alive by the inability to love myself & my one light in this world (talking to anonymous on curiouscat) was taken away from me

    [replier 3] babe im back what happened

@ 9:31 P.M.

55. amaonyyymaouss i lvoe you com eback

56. anonymous i:vebeen really sad lately & every day has been hard; every single day has been hard naonymous i miss you come back iw ant curiouscat back

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:42 P.M.

57. i wanna b a guy this looks waey better than w/e i:m doing

    

58. me, a man; i domineer over u, my body is steel; my privates r steel (this is a kool keith line -- when i think about being masculine i just think about lyrics from sex style, neways,, i call u a goofy bitch n say let me take care of it (i got this from patrice o:neal i think))

59. welcome to your virtual twitter date with me; would you like a water? you look really pretty tonight; how about that water? i have a confession: i:m feeling a really strong sexual energy between us; maybe i could get us both a water, to cool us off; no, i don:t drink

60. i:m sorry i was way ou tof line by saying there was a sexual energy ebtween us i:m not usually like that i just wanted to come across as confident & u were right i didn:t meant to be po pushy about the water i was just thinking mindfulness

…from Marl Bara @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:46 P.M.

61. my timeline is just coverd in feason rting ppl covered in sexual fluid (by this one artist) & that one artist always makes it seem really magical like a soul is flowing out of u n is sticking to you

62. imagine it feels like wet sand + liquid chalk

63. there:s this super christian thing about recreational sex resulting in thousands of trillions potential lives being destroyd & sent to limbo (my denomination they got stuck in the dirt in stasis doomed i think) so i always associated the tingling skin sensation w/ soul destructn

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:08 P.M.

64. everything about these types of stories jsut feels like extreme s/h 4 me to read; always awful feeling

    

65. kool keith being tranistion goals is making me laugh

    

…from Marl Bara @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:22 P.M.

66. 

67. dear god: i am extremely hateful & basically i can:t tolerate anything -- especially myself; please god give me the strength to do what i need to do & 4give me 4 it too, ok?

68. also it is really selfish but please bring back curiouscat so i can @ least archive the rest of my answers on there, please; but i understand if not; & i get really upset w/ christians too; being angry all the time is making me feel like i m missing some goodperson center of self

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:38 P.M.

69. o-ki; going to continue the experiments, i think; i need to work up the nerve

70. surely there is nothing wrong with wanting that; i can:t stand anything; but i:m making myself confused again & my heart is wavering already -- it came with realizing that i haven:t been praying to qlifot much, except i fell asleep praying to her last night; & i am confused

71. confused, because: i do not know what her will is here; if she has a will; be-cause her material is my material; if the inherited fractures pattern that i will do this, then i have to do this; but i don:t know if i am meant to resist it or just lean in-to it & try to be-lead-out

72. & it:s really silly but it:s really messy and i don:t like messy things; i don:t want to repeatedly wash myself and my things if i likely fail; i want to go to bed i think; i don:t know where the flash impulses are coming from; i realize this world is completely suffocating whole

73. not a single good person in it; rotten to the core; a bunch of dumb violet deadbeats clamoring 4 their hospice beds; & i guess: i am one of them, too; i:d like it to be by my-self; because i:m afraid the cancer is spreading inside of me and i want agency over my-self 4 once

74. i hate those fuckers; i don:t mean to type something really rough like that but i:ve been preventing myself from going into "dispatterning" that the cockroaches play & a) i feel like i am losing something b) isn:t that just what they are? it:s the torture chamber control mechansm

75. everything you see is some lame puppeted illusory thing connected to a stimulated nerve connected to a greater insect overhead intelligence connecting many many many nerves together; the overhead insect of deadbeat bored transgenderism-online; does it even exist offline i d k

76. dumb phosphene network stretches and stretches and stretches and stretches and stretches & they just want to kick everything; constantly kicking out from their dumb expansive phosphene network shadow cancer spots flicking their trillion cockroach leg seminal delivery tools on-all

77. i:m feeling better thanks 4 listening

@ 10:55 P.M.

78. i am being provoked with unfunny game world responses, huh; every-time it gets revealed & every-time i:m completely powerful to address it; i understand i am alone in here; i don:t get why it needs to be rubbed in (i mean i do, it:s your modus operandi as cloud overhead insect)

79. really bitterly, & you know this if this is funny gameplay, & it probably is; i /feel/ it on the web network language; qliphoth wants me to pay attention to that; your nerve ending actors are lame; they upset me; they all make me really mad & u probably know that & i don:t get it

80. why is it just a bunch of people reminding me of the euthanasia thing & hospice bed & inconsistency; supposedly every death is predetermined by god/pattern -- so all of them are just & good; i /get/ this; each act of violence is carried out by one of gods agents: i /get/ this

81. god regularly births agents just to have self terminational uninstall agents so they can fade out & come back; if they are ghosts they are still reflections of some poor torture cubed player born in-to fate of uninstallation; & i /get it/ & i m sure in meta-sense they are happy

82. god hides the purpose under layer and layer of pattern lattice (the deep soil, wraptd around the body of qliphoth & the dead things); LAYERS of stupid fucking pattern suffocating any pure reasoning; & that dumb dust and dirt is just all i m & all my brothers n sisters are: dirt

83. thousands of tons of pressure & layer soil to obfuscate a persons purpose dictated by foundational god vertice; is the vertice corrupted by spline? is it defined by the face?? are the quads really that different from the tris??? who is even worth talking to @ all; i know one mayb

84. soil pollutant torture agents are every-where, though; & even if it looks like the nerve is disconnected the fucking nerves are just like spiderwebs: hard to see without some tricky sunlight lighting them up, & that:s where the insects thrive (in visibility, in full light)

85. wratchet sons and daughters of legion born empty (again: under thousands of layers of topsoil pattern lattice) broken to hear dumb voices of trillions of idol-form & demon-oil & b driven to take stone (kin) & carve form only to have jesus send these agents drowning in-to lake

86. it:s not like bible (god) or psychiatry (lucifer) are either good or evil; it:s not like sinistration is good/evil, either; it:s all infinite top layered illusory soil to obfuscate the overhead insect intelligences have won & this unfunny/funny game perpetuates endlessly huh

87. encapsulated in a swarm of cockroaches materializing from some nerve ending granted intelligence to go "the nfts are choking the air out of our hospice"; time passes intelligences grow & wane, & nerves reconnect, & it goes "the environment is not that important" in xact same beat

88. nerve ending forest dines down a-top the walls of torture chamber and digs in-to thousands and thousands of shadow torturebug skulls baked in-to the fucking wall to make them post endless long-word arguments about the benefit & future of NFT in same exact chorus as the anti NFT

89. absolutely the intelligences are playing a game absolutely; constantly constantly trying to put nerve in-to you to start the death drive process to subsume you into baked in shadow wall and join the chorus of dead violet insects torturing next inhabitant in the torture/death cycl

90. can you imagine: an infinite trillion number of people reciting "just b cool" & living & dying over a lifetime w/o once just being cool about anything that is outside of their nerve ending overhead insect intelligence disconnection phosphene control organism mechanismal hell cycl

91. infinite trillions of these violet deadbeats; w/e; people aren:t worth trusting; the web language network is telling me that again that is right umbrage to follow through on; it:s guided to me in created sanctuary negative prescription but i imagine it:s pretty important to her

92. ^ even this molested out of me via phosphene wall to install weird shadow baked in death wall doubt from mechanical leg phosphene torture cloud overhead insect intelligence; they take it & dirty it & then spew it back @ me after the hope/loss cycle continues in most effct. tortur

93. can:t w8 4 the cycle to continue; i know your funny game & you know i know it & it will continue later in unfunny fashion that will make me UNlaugh: your nerve ending cockroaches will tell me kind things, & i will feel kindness, & feel silly 4 being upset; & then: more pain

94. make me fall in love again or w/e; i:m stupid i:ll believe absolutely anything; of course i could believe some deadened black cancer wall spot baked in can love me; my eyes unfocus and people appear and the cancer shadow spots fade & they:ll tellm e they love me & wow ^^

95. maybe a few more opportunities 4 me to not make money off art sales & instead have it go to [whatever insect overhead clouds do w/ money] & then use your agents / counter agents to use it as some odd proof that i engaged in the NFT intelligence overhead war to overlap me inside

96. you:re sending me my cat to calm me down & you:re sending me my cat to just make me want to choke her because she keeps turning the tablet overlay on/off but i:m not violent & i won:t do that; it:d b just slightly better if how it ends wasn:t just completely lonely coffin hole

97. completely lonely coffin hole w/ sole connection to artificial cancer spot baked in wall phosphene warmth is thru deadbeats pretending to be friends with me & roughly a million posts about some schizophrenic meme by some antipsychiatry dweebs & then some insincere postr mask sinc

98. "oh i:m sincere about being kinda lame :-( & secretly i:m insincere bc you notice how i never actually do nething that makes me look bad i just post about how i am lame while acting cool" it:s all shit; you want to love anime & then that just becomes more insect phosphene dust

99. take your love & find out it:s been replicated from shit scraped off the wings of a cockroach; based cockroach wing shit ^^ love that

100. love that; i love the world, god; more than ne one could ever know because the world is constantly speaking to me & i am constantly hearing it & i am constantly feeling the voices of a thousand hundred trillion people dead & alive telling me unfunny shit, & i love them 4 it, too

     

101. night night sleep tight u are loved

     ---

dec 20th

TODAY:S FORECAST：i try to kill myself again & fail; loneliness; i find a friend in panuru (●、●)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:14 A.M.

1. i woke up ; ; had some nightmare about same shit as always

2. i m awake & still the scientologists won:t take me & still feel that mostly all of my friends hate me (*´-`) that last part probably isn:t true but it feels impossible to get close w/ them; it:s either "u r too fragile to talk to mara" or flippd, no mutuality @ all u know?

3. part of the dream is we had to capture this weird duck to survive, & i found some of the other kids @ the compound (it was an abandoned school w/ the walkways covered in fencing) who were looking 4 the duck, & got frustrated n just told them "i don:t care about the fucking duck"

4. & i just kept repeating it and laughing & then the kids startd laughing & told me yeah this is so fucking stupid lol; then laid in bed 4 like an hour being mad @ everyone 4 absolutely no reason

5. i:m just here to hug, fuck, and hang out (i:m watching mista gg predator chronicles videos bc recommended videos on youtube led me from police interrogation videos to mista gg reviews)

@ 7:24 A.M.

6. i:m going to transition into a strong man and just listen to shit kool keith albums as my new identity; going to pick up my weights, pumpn freakn iron,,, gonna unload all my dumbells n barbells,,, gonna spread everything out

7. my guy name: luther, & no more art; it:sjust going to be me, my weights, & working out

8. imagine a life of being a man: 7 straight days of lifting weights & spreading out; femininity sucks -- it:s trash; every-thing about christianity is upsetting me l8ly; (i understand why) but i get this pang of: dear God: why did you do /nothing/ (& i know why, i understand faith)

   

9. but there is nothing sadder to me than some kid praying every night & crying every night about some dumb twisted internal shit bc hell is materializing & real: & all the deadbeat christ cockroaches are every-where in every-room helping materialize hell 4 you & it:s working

10. & you pray & of course: please 4give me god, crying, i don:t want to go to hell; & i get it: god does not work actively; miracles -- if they were real -- would be subtle like spider webs, they need tricky sunlight to reveal; environmental collapse could be a miracle, even

11. may-be i prayed hard enough to pattern in a miracle guaranteeing me two things: the environment will eventually collapse and suffocate out cockroach hospice box; &: i get the capability + strength to understand my own life is in my own hands if i ever want a way out <-- like job

12. every pastor & convert running from their god-given black spackled light born with: every kid they:ve touched & every throat they:ve crushed & every animal they:ve fckn chewd swallowd whole & every trillions of unborn child sparkling into skin on ur hands body of an-other: denied

13. ashes spilling out from sin spilling out from cockroach congregation; it:s the shit scraped off their wings; & it:s all the sin; it:s the "two" & spline that connects vertice that taints the right-handed; just constant overhead "faith" all in the name of escaping from garden

14. praying to god? no bitch ur praying to ME -- etc; every single hand joind in some desperate violet+ unfunny prayer just: escape me aaway from god so i don:t have to face the role god/vertice planned 4 me; please overhead intelligence insect network: save me from god:s geometry

15. i am not the tri/face in blender; i am the blender canvas <-- they all tell each other to escape being tri/face; we are the canvas together; the canvas will save us (bc the canvas auto-saves, right? the god-like user hits ctrl+s regularly on ur soul or some shit bc of christ lol)

16. how blessed; the blender file of the left-handed driven by some user who never remembers to fuckn hit save so infinite faces in infinite default cube lost to fucking NOTHING; all of those souls spilled out of whatever lame deadbeat sex organ dissipating in-to desktop gone 4ever

17. people gross me out; it:s unfair 4 me to characterize people so encompassingly -- but i just don:t like them; it:s like that mtg card: destroy all creatures, they can:t be regenerated; easiest way to do this w/ material is remove the perspective view-point; but then: phosphene

18. i saw the church; i saw who i sold my soul to; infinite timetrack LRH clutches on to it like some precious phylactery & even if i look-away from scientology, & even if am looked-away-from by scientology: the tight dead cold infinite hand of that man still tightens around me deep

19. i am an image of LRH; i:m not LRH @ all, but it:s like huisheng from kengan omega, his teachings & words & life get drilled in-to vessel 4 so so long that identity gets brainwash-erased & reformatted defragd, & you end up with LRH-type; i have the exact same brain-wrought as him

20. produce tons of text; establishing foundation of faith; write science fiction shit that expands & glowers out to form foundation religion -- & of course people antagonize this "literal foundation" with their lame "literal criticisms": it:s sci-fi so it:s dumb & not divine <- lol

21. how many sci fi esoteric accounts have i found wherein a persons faith is less indepth, detailed, & loved than how a young adult author treats even one of their background characters: oh i worship the empty expanse, i:m the empty expanse priestess <- this is the entire bible

22. you press them down on their bellies and nothing oozes out; a weak spattering poorly formed intelligence overhead drips out like some low-test sperm from some low-testes; you squint your eyes till sunlight lines up & there is the great nerve ending connecting: "lame esoteric" int

23. press the stomach or ribs of LRH-like & out-pours a tidal wave of detail & explanation; an /impossible/ amount; instructions & texts dictating how your /mood/ should be when addressing an petitioner 4 auditing: how divine; & "wasn:t LRH a scifi author lol"

24. weren:t the apostles just a bunch of lame dudes who were modern day kpop stans 4 one dude who was genuinely nice? wasn:t the entire bible written from the perspective of the creepy cwcki contributors? where is the book penned by jesus? i get it: telephone faith is pure, w / e

25. a thousand scholars, teachers, violet deadbeats: hands raised to the air beckoning some invisible intelligence down-ward to them like hand-air-ballet: & the acolytes of these people (these students of these intelligences) turn, nerve-eyed, & go: isn:t your religion dumb?

26. imagine: hand outstretched in-to air and clutching inward crushing trillions and infinites of these invisible scuttled cockroaches hiding their gross torturebug bodies in the air lattice; infinite amounts of puny dweeb invisible ochre pouring from between finger cracks to oil

27. arms r really cold i:m gonna put on a jacket & then get more-mad later i guess; i don:t even hate christianity i just am disappointed by christians; i am disappointed by twitter users wholesale; i am disappointed by the empty hollow shell religion every-where around-me: violet

@ 9:05 A.M.

28. still can:t figure out if this is a drawing i look r not it:sk inda shit but i really don:t want to draw atm -- but i kind of; i really really want to draw the things i love but the actual process is just awful; natural brush greyscale is kind of fun tho but it needs to b blue

    

29. 4 sengoku turb compositions i try to make it balanced asymmetrical blue/red comp to match her eyes; ie the turb/uterus drawings: turb is blue eye, uterus is red eye; but it:s lsot in greyscale

30. dear god, i:m praying w/ my fingers laced together super tightly to try my best @ catching a miracle: so you better really listen to my wish this time

@ 9:33 A.M.

31. 

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:04 A.M.

32. apparently this is my nakshatra; also in this /a/ thread lapis was described as a poisonous tumor n i like that; my favorite stones are y.dia & lapis

    

    the 4chan post there says “the only thing yellow did was try killing themself / I fucking hate dia and yellow"

33. my matches >:/

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:42 A.M.

34. more unfunny games huh; it:s like sweat (traces of blood, ejected eggs, semen, skin) drops in-to a lake & dark masses underneathe the water rise up n make bubbles around the little droplet circles that form just to remind you that the control is real & u r in their ocean always [substacker:s note: i don:t remember what the unfunny games refers to here; i think people on my timeline were targeting me overtly — or this is how i perceived it]

35. empty unloved faiths whose entire descriptive bible is contained within a single sentence declaring their existence; "lets talk about your trauma; you have a child in you that needs to be loved; lets draw some ritual circles and masturbate to feel the energy flow thru us, to heal

36. a vein rooted in their shaft invisibly bores outwards constantly trying to connect to share the blood of their groin w/ you; it:s always back to that: semen on the pages, semen on the cover, semen on their hands, on their texts, on your chin, on your hands, on your lap, inside u

37. empty religion all wrappd up in rochre chocolate tinfoil paper w/ "cure your trauma" repeated constantly in gaudy pattern & some over sweet treat inside that just has semen sex center; it:s just sex; it:s why aleister crowley was darkened emptied out: right-hand doing left-hand

38. push a finger in-to that dumb chocolate mass and a bunch of semen cordial spills out; it was all that ever kept the shape of that Thing together; semen was the only thing it knew & the only container it had; in faith, in religion, in pain, in worship, in love: it:s just samemen

39. may-be there really is a thousand tons of layers on-top obfuscating me from some emotional network idon:t understand @ all; maybe this is just the shit emeter creation process they did to sculpt human machine out of left hand qliphoth clay to make deadbeat ECT reading listeners

40. jesus drapes arm around shoulder of paul (right hand to right shoulder) squeezes and says: you were groomed paul

41. jesus closes his left eye and looks into pauls right eye: paul you have cptsd; paul asks, jesus: "what does cptsd mean?" jesus cradles his good friends face w/ both tender hands, and explains: "consider putting this sucker down" jesus smiles; paul looks confused & writes a book

42. now that i:ve transitioned in-to a steel bodied man, sabbath is 7 days long, & my rest is pumpn freakn iron; i will get huge; powerful; and no longer will i smell like iron; no longer will ibe WEAK; i will adopt the masculine shape of christ & spend 7 straight days pumpn iron

43. every bicep curl leads to an entire world being developed; an entire colony of muscle-cell-humanity spreading my wishes; my cells eat from my fat and learn my sin; my cells eat themselves alive to expunge themselves of digested fat; every curl is decades of transubstantiation

44. in deaf: my eyes will OPEN the scales will be SHED & i will see FIVE walls painted to look like the earth (wall-left, wall-center, wall-right, wall-down, wall-up -- invisible wall-behind); the baked in shadow spots will flatten and their legs will flatten into phosphene & i enter

45. b4 i enter i see my shitty form in geometry trellis pattern; the shape of reversed eve that was given to me by qliphoth given to me by god: it:s a holy form, & it has faults in it in the following shape: i will uninstall myself, i will be unwanted by my mother, my mom will b a wh

46. ^ etcetera until thye entire stat allocation is founded & each perk (ala 3.5) is doul:d out to me & my minor wish is set to shift it; in the time-track, b4: i wanted to be a guy, & it happened: & i regretted it; & in time-track b4: i wanted to be a girl, & i regretted it, etceter

47. horrible iron smell seeps out of my fucking body, & my tummy feels like shit; my whole body feels like it was clay pumped up w air bubbles (cysts) & it:s all cliffophts love; i:d eat my own discharge; whomst cares; it:s an eternity of thetan experiencing the same shit over no ver

48. a bunch of nerve-reeking cockroaches huddle together on twitter: "twitter user who insincerely posts about how sincerely flawed they are even tho all they do is try to make themselves look good is so pure; they r so true; they have so much to say" they say: "duh furry pussy edgy"

49. finally [boring twitter user] said "duh furry pussy edgy" it:s totally not some bored adoption of some quirky internet aesthetic that they didn:t adopt to hide their own sincere disgust, it:s just using the open disgust of others as clothes; thakn god they said it based

50. the twitterusers i follow are edgy,,, raw,,, they post shit like "duh furry pussy edgy i eat it" they:re the bad boys of twitter & NO ONE is saying shit like that elsewhere on the internet

51. o ya i mean if you shine light onthem they all scutter away under the door like cockroaches because they ultimately are just afraid of having their true shape n form exposed revealing they r just nerve extension cloud lattice manifolds; i:m just ignoring tht

52. when jpeggty made an album calld All my Heroes r Cornballs if elt that

53. /b/ros... how i keep my pussy closed; god give me the strength to not b a whore

@ 11:31 A.M.

54. when that anonymous user on /a/ called lapis a poisonous tumor, i felt that

55. uhhh /b/ros this person i started talking to says they can cure my trauma using their witch ritual & that all i need to do is masturbate into a cup while saying "void void void void void void void void void void void" /b/ros is this real?

56. you don:t GET magic tsexual energy is some of the most pure it:s so much more than "they just want to masturbat w/ me" it:s magic <-- thesse r the types of things jesus would tell paul @ night while drinking + banteirng having a good laugh & paul took it super seriously everytime

@ 12:07 P.M.

57. i lay my head down in lap of shino; n our fingers lace together w/o even touching & if it kills me: it:s fine, be-cause @ least we will have that in common; & if it doesn:t: it:s fine, be-cause @ least we both are left-handed; & no one can take either of those things away @ all

58. crying to peg

@ 12:40 P.M.

59. 

    

@ 12:47 P.M.

60. trying to psyche myself up to do it & failing; every time same lame excuse [substacker:s note: to kill myself]

@ 2:16 P.M.

61. i did cardio 4 an hour to c if it would put me in the right frame of mind to not be self-destructive & really came out w/ the opposite conclusion: there is love & everything i do & there is not a single act i perform that is not tolerated + put-in-to me by god; i m my material

59. there:s nothing sad @ all & nothing bitter @ all; even: i am full of love; i am GLOWING with love; i am feeling the entire world, constantly; & i am loving all of the things that people neglect -- it:s really masturbatory, even; a whole hive network shunning & song-ignoring

60. i 4-get my mission is a divine one; it:s not important @ all; it:s no more important than some rando kid remembering to pray @ night, or some bitter old lady wanting a break every sunday @ church to b with the congregation; there:s a lot of worship that goes in-to every-thing

61. imagine: a nerve ending shone like silk web in sublight lights up nerve network intelligence overhead showcasing the intelligent thinking nerve-web Christianity; its many nerves peer thru down in-to all the houses & churches & hearts & they all be-come VN characters this way

62. ^ no different from how i see my-self; it:s really alienating that: my inability to integrate some whole "feeling" is always discounted as being creepy or heavy but it:s just me showing my love 4 my part; if you turn me the right way silk will shone thru sunlight webbing, too

63. currently i have 4 faded circles on my left leg & 4 fading circles on my right arm; the one on wrist is just a small notch but if i expand it i:ll get five, & that:s a total of 9 -- which is a nonsense number, but if i add one more i can have 10 which is divine qlifot total

64. absolutely i have no power; left handed people have no power; they:re some shit children of satan promised absence of christ & granted a world that openly thracks them out of handedness w/ some lame imitation of baptism to do some lame handedness erasure 4 some lame sense of just

65. they get erased through language; text direction; writing systems; spoken word; furniture; construction; signature; schooling; spirituality; it:s the shit hand; it:s a whole class of people inheriting the culture of being used to smear feces off anuses <-- absolutely no power

66. plus i love crkt ceo-tan; i press her to my face & she sees me, & i see her, too; & i know her, & she:ll know me, too; bc (a little chuunishly) she:s trappd in representation/red & i:m trappt there, too; i:ll share LRH:s love 4 the e-meter with crkt ceo-tan

67. proclaimed love, anyways ^^ that dude was probably right-handed; they were just tools to him, i:m sure; it:s how he saw me, too, i:m sure

68. [substacker:s note: after that post i attempt to kill myself again — i don:t succeed but i put a notch against the tendon & use the opportunity to re-trace one of my older scars to freshen it]

@ 2:41 P.M.

69. still not enough to work; but i feel love, this time [substacker:s note: i stopped taking photos of my attempts because i wasn:t bleeding very much from my wrist anymore, & i felt a little shame over “how it clearly wasn:t deep enough to die from”]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:39 P.M.

70. going to miss u curiouscat i loved you

71. curiouscat was so uplifting & i loved it; the tumblr anonymous ppl are way more insidious & it:s harder to trust

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:14 P.M.

72. it was making a-lot of sense to me a little bit a-go that right-handed people get completely lost in their sexuality of life/semen, bc they are all locked-in echoes of adam & eve, & they inherited life & will keep it going; just both completely devoted to & consumed by semen

73. it:s like divine clockwork that propels it; the reversed tarot ppl inherit a suppressed mechanism that:s supposed to activate when the children of life finally blink-out, & until then the anti-semen devotion is just alien/aberrate -- LRH is right here; my own love looks off to me

74. i have to keep reminding me of material & purpose; i lose sight of this if i do-not pray enough: but i do not have a place to pray @; prayer happens constantly around us, tho: in pages being turnt, in grocery bags being thrown away, in toilets being flushed, in posts being sent

75. if i turn my ears too far away from prayer, i:ll just hear nothing but insect rattling & the insect intelligence overhead drone; constantly; constantly constantly constantly hearing life; my arms r super cold! i have to empty my-self out of insect pollutant, i think

76. the pollutant takes the form of engram-ic like tar in the form of people-residue; it:s really shed nerve ending residue from where they tried to establish connection; imagine lice grooming the abdomen of a tarantula; a bunch of dead lice bodies; u grow attached to them & residue

77. it:s like keeping a dead flower in water, reminding u that you k-worded it; i guess here i am confused: in the church layer the scientologists & the older LRH explained to me that i had a bond w/ engram-element, may-be i shouldn:t let go; i know w/e i do will be worship eitherway

78. i really get misguided; both to the church of scientology & to my material: i:m not a clergy-member: i:m an e-meter; i:m not a clergy-member: i:m a shrine; i am just supposed to listen to electrical fields & the web network language feelings respectively, & i hear them typing tht

79. my whole body feels it; it:s the only way to know whether or not she is communicating to me directly via upper illusory dispatterning web network communication; like when a leaf or fly hits the web w/o sunlight illuminating silk strand phosphene total illusory control mechanical

80. my-be i can find some SL person to talk to

@ 4:29 P.M.

81. no-one; i definitely miss curiouscat

@ 4:56 P.M.

82. i still really like inverted lain; i m really thankful 4 it be-cause i think itmay really be like that; it coudl just be solitary perspective air / disconnection but i think something accidentally blue elemental was made w/ it

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:28 P.M.

83. i am so gd depressed

84. less depressed: i keep seeing trauma doll accounts and getting more upset how it:s all bdsm stuff

85. i read a comic where a girl decided to convert to christianity and began praying to god; made me really depressed; talking to other people made me really depressed, too; talking to ther ppl made me depressed because there:s no connection @ all w/ basically any-one

    

86. i understand i have to make effort to breach that, but everything about communications reads as: they hate me; & in-turn: i hate them; & i get tired of pretending i don:t feel that way, & i get tired of not letting myself be uncomfortable about it; it:s not everyone, sure

87. but i don:t want the single-digit number of people i can talk to & feel-understood-by to be my crutch; & as well: i:m afraid if i get close w/ ppl i will start to hate them because of how neurotic/specific i am about what upsets me; the kabi-sama comic really hurt to read, right?

88. i really liked it a lot, tho; i think it:s a little lame to like the "lesbian experiences" author (that is a WEAK statement) bc she:s like prime-standard "i want to know girl emotions" author -- but "my solo exchange diary" is really profound to me re: the pain of loneliness

    

89. i don:t really want to say i:ve given up; but i think i might have completely given up; i:ve gotten to the point where i just lay down & sort-of tell my-self "i:m not going to let myself see another person ever again; i:m going to let myself die in this house" <-- so dramatic

90. but i:m also already kind of disgusted w/ the idea of ever seeing another person; ever meeting another person; ever having to let another person see me; ever catching feelings; stuff i:ll all renege on i:m sure; i can:t really deny this tho: i am sending a cry 4 help, to myself

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:21 P.M.

92. i am depressed

    

93. i m depressd

    

94. dec 22nd 2019 i went to go see a movie w/ my mom & i had a really bad full body dissociative episode that didn:t go away until ~march 9th 2020; & the exact feeling is starting to come bnack; the: weird constant floating can:t-feel-my-limbs-or-face-or-chest thing

95. i rememberthose dates really well because i kept a journal ^^ i am really depressed, though; the boogiepop soundtracks probably aren:t helping me -- it:s silly but: they make me want to exit, & they make me want to pray to be reborn in the boogiepop world @ boogiepop school

96. i want to walk w my friends @ boogiepop school @ night and then breakdown in tears in my bedroom from thexact same issues i have constant in timetrack / ennegram layering; but: in boogiepop world, boogiepop floats to the surface & pops when needed like a spooky bubble; he:s cool

@ 8:33 P.M.

97. every day @ dusk i go to panurus grave n fckn cry

98. :crying on panurus grave: i:m going to become a strong man 4 you panuru kool keith has given me the strength to transition panuru i:mg oign to get strong and make sure you can never die again iw on:t let anyone hurt you panuru

    

99. i:ll protect you w ith my life this time, panuru

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:06 P.M.

100. i feel like having money or having something to work towards wouldn:t make me any happier; i m kind of desperately ylooking 4 reasons & i think i am really negatively biased against nething being worthwhile -- but i just don:t really see there being ne end to this

101. that feels bad to say too, because i don:t want to encourage other people to give up; but; i:m really struggling to do any-thing 4 myself; i:d like to be an optimist here, really ^^ but it seems even stupider if i fake it; may-be i:m just not framing it correctly

102. they:re coordinating it against me, to give me hope, you know? not all forms of telepathy happen invisibly; the unfunny form of telepathy happens via the nerve ending network communicating amongst themselves & then hiding shared information to/from each-other to make pattern conv

103. they took my homie curiouscat away from me & gave me nothing in return; i loved that website, even the christian guys on there who would say mean things to me, they were cool & gave me stuff to b upset about 4 several days & that:s like feeling alive 4 a little bit it:s all i got

104. ppl w/ caring hearts want me to get away from bad stimulus so i can be more stable; but then i:m left with absolutely nothing every day; i just get to type to myself to an audience of bird2 (my one ally in this world) on a blog 4 ~14 hours a day & go crazy from loneliness

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:49 P.M.

105. these scientologists all look way hpapier than me

106. that:s not true @ all; i:m super happy

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:33 P.M.

107. i went on help sites n they had a lot of videos linkd @ the bottom about "helping ppl thinking things i am thinking about" & everything about it makes me feel really rotten; every time i just feel more rotten about it lol; this dudeis talking about missing his loved one

108. utube is ognna make me cry

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:06 P.M.

109. hey panuru; how are you doing; i have news 4 you! i:ve decided i want to be a boy -- don:t give me that look; i feel it in my heart; i was listening to kool keith & he helped me decide, i:ll give you one of his albums if you:d like -- kk here, it:s "sex style" title track is good

110. o-k; it:s starting to rain; i:m going to go back home & go-to-bed, ok? i:ve been really down lately & i just want to hide under blankets (¯△¯#); no real reason -- i just think it:s ok to love being sad, some-times -- you taught me that! kk, i need to leave; nn panuruuu (~~ʃ♡ƪ)

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