2022/02/23 cry for help arc pt5

dec 21st - dec 22nd; notes to panuru sidestory

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Dec 21st

TODAY:S FORECAST：letters to panuru; wandering son ヾ(＠⌒＠)ノ

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:39 A.M.

1. good morning panuru -- how did you sleep? ,,, that:s an amazing dream; i don:t remember the details but i was in another world with friends, it was really scary @ times, but i was sad when i woke up; i had oatmeal 4 breakfast; ,,, you need to eat more, panuru; it:s getting colder

   

2. i:m in a good mood! i have to admit, some-time while i was asleep i woke up to a person mad @ me 4 "celebrating the birthday of a pedo" which really irritated me 4 a moment, but i remembered your teachings: we must love all parts of this world; you:re still helping me every day^^

@ 7:46 A.M.

3. i think it:s going to start raining again, soon; i might go back in a-bit; plus: my hands & legs are getting really cold & the swings are wet; i:ve actually been really sad lately,& i:ve been trying to accept these feelings as part of your world love, but they:re swallowing me up

4. i did get a gift last night! i:ve been unsure if i should open it now, or on christmas; if i open it now: may-be it:ll help me out a bit; but if i open it now: may-b christmas will be a little bit better; i:ll get you a gift, so don:t worry about that; i:ll always protect you >:(

@ 9:40 A.M.

5. 

@ 10:24 A.M.

6. 

7. 

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:23 P.M.

8. a thank you note to fauxplus; thank you very much 4 putting up with me & wanting to support me; please take care of yourself, ok? [substacker:s note: ko-fi thank you ^^ i try to make these 4 everyone who sends me something]

   

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:41 P.M.

10. panuru; the rain let up; i started an exchange diary to share with you be-cause i:ve been seeing them in manga i:ve been reading; i was listening to uninstall & it made me think of you, so i thought i would visit; i mentioned this in my diary, but: i haven:t drawn @ all (~~；）

    

11. i got the paper out, and i wrote the title of the comic, but then i just started writing letters to people, instead; i wrote five, & mailed four; one was to a family that was nice to me; i always wanted to ask you if you were scared when it happened; i:m definitely really scared

12. you:re far more strong than me, panuru; i:ve thought about praying to god, lately -- again it:s because of comics -- but praying to god always feels like a really bad experience; that:s not necessarily true: it:s an experience like any-other; i just don:t like getting upset

13. you teased me about it yesterday but being a man has given me a lot of strength, lately ^^ i know you:re way stronger than me: but (even though i look the same) i feel like i could protect you through anything; i:m weak, though, you know? so i need you to protect me too, ok?

14. i had some thoughts that betrayed world love -- (& i confessed-as-much in the diary,,) -- the world has been very strange, lately; yesterday there was a cluster of insect noise targeted @ me in response to me being sad, & in me wanting to join you; it took a really scary shape

15. sort-of like the "torture chamber" thing i mention reacting to me expressing will, trying to distract me with some weird hope/loss cycle to inflict perfect torture; & of course: i love it; the torture chamber ceiling is as beautiful as any sky -- you know? but i still get scared

16. i:m scared to say what i want to say, be-cause i:m afraid they:re listening -- which sounds like a really crazy stereotype ~y~ but sometimes these things feel like exercises where the chamber exerts its influence over me: can i say what i want faced with the fear i feel? i can:t

17. i:ll write it to you in the diary when you give it to me back (￣ー￣) people are as scary as they are beautiful, though; i thought about writing some short fiction about a girl on her 18th birthday who is having a conversation with her dad in the morning b4 school, dad reads

18. the girl (his daughter, of course) asks to skip school today, the dad kind of laughs @ how bold she is & flips thru the paper, and makes some warm comment, & then the daughter (our narrator) has a short internal monologue about who this man is, & it:s very blunt & short:

19. when i was three years old i have a faint memory of my father doing something weird to me, & it:s a stereotypical recounting of sexual abuse, but i thought it would be interesting if this short monologue just continued for pages-n-pages w/ the emotion of a dictionary explaining

20. the narrator is completely distanced from it emotionally, & is just trying to describe it as mechanically and accurately as possible; how she doesn:t really know how to feel about it, how she doesn:t really feel much towards her dad -- likes him, even; wanting his advice, even

21. & after the boring dramatic pages explaining this thing, it continues back to skipping-school conversation, & their warm conversation wraps up w/ really briefly w/ them wanting to stay home together and watch movies; the narrator wants to tell his dad that he feels like a boy

22. ^ & it ends there, but this stuff is really "ehhhh" to me: i don:t really want to write about trans-stuff, be-cause i think it:s kind of blase -- abuse memoirs, too; plus i worry it will get projected on-to me (¯△¯#); ne-ways, i decided not to write it, but i wanted to tell you

23. ok! i:m going to head home and try to work on the thing i wrote about in the exchange diary; write to me lots, ok? i:ll b back, bye pan-u-ru (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

@ 3:15 P.M.

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@ 5:04 P.M.

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@ 6:14 P.M.

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@ 7:43 P.M.

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@ 10:49 P.M.

36. 

---

Dec 22nd

TODAY:S FORECAST：consequences (;O;)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:22 A.M.

1. 

@ 8:38 A.M.

2. good morning pan-u-ru; i wrote you a lot yesterday -- i wanted to visit you @ night but it was raining really hard (¯△¯#)；i:m not sure i can be a guy @ all, you might have been right about teasing me over that; it /IS/ silly; i just really like kool keith -- he:s just so stupid

   

3. on the way over here, i really wanted to tell you a-bout a bunch of twitter people; i:m mad @ mostly all of them; i have a personal account full of people i like & to basically-all-of-them barring around four i just want to tell all of them how much i hate them <-- weak, right?

4. hate might be too strong, & i know you probably don:t want to hear about internet people -- but it:s just starting to feel like another layer of control about what i-can-say & what i-can-feel; & i just hate them; i love them too -- but i wish i could say everything i want to

5. mostly: it:s that being friends with them means needing to hear about their lame friends; it just feels so petty on my part but: they:re just so //unfunny//; plus some of them project weird sexual stuff on me & berate me be-cause i accidentally said the wrong thing -- this sucks

6. redacted redacted redacted & redacted redacted redacted redacted redacted; being helped financially & flirted with is confusing; seeing all these bored lefties who just speak w/ strings of edge-internet-words is frustrating; just being so replaceable kind-of sucks too, but i get it (¯△¯#) i:m un-friendly

7. my impersonal stuff is also weird: c.fang put out a cool article last night -- & it was written really passionately; makes me wonder if they wrote it (ha, this isn:t fair ^^ despite what people say: i think they:re actually incredibly talented & smart); i skimmed thru it tho

8. i still am 77% certain there:s no feelings there; that:s hard to say; c.fang was one of two people who checked up on me earlier-this-year when i did something stupid; but then you get shown chat logs about the whole thing being a scam -- & i still don:t know if i even care @ all

9. it feels like this weird dichotomy where i:ve ended up in several circles where no-one actually likes me; ron is super nice to me & is probably one of the only christ-fearing people i think is doing a good job -- keffie too, but the history w/ her is weird (￣▽￣) i try to suprt

10. i shouldn:t talk so much about others; good or bad; i was just dwelling on it because every-time i look @ what others are saying, my skin crawls; it:s all just control; it:s /layers/ of control that goes so deep i have to spend all day trying to figure it out -- i:m being rude

11. i hope you:ve been doing good; i wanted to open the christmas gift i got to share it with you -- because i had this silly idea "what if i:m not around for christmas?" but i:m sure i will be; look panuru: my wrist screams "for attention-seeking only"; or: it:s what i think

12. but i:m 90% certain the gift is a book; i think it:d be fun to read it together; but! we can read it together on christmas, ok? just the two of us -- plus i can:t trust any of these other deadbeats to give you a gift, & receiving a christmas gift on the 22nd is all-wrong, right?

13. oh, hey; i prayed to god last night; i prayed to qliphoth, too; i prayed for both of them to forgive me, & that i am lost; i prayed, too: for god to consider my belief as a denomination -- if that wasn:t too much; ultimately: qlifot is just the left-hand of the lords body, right?

14. it is a little silly ^^ you:re right about that; blending too much religious-culture together is silly, but: it:s what L. Ron was good @, too -- & similarly what he tried to put in-side of me; plus, to love the world: i have to understand the world; may-be not talk to it, though

15. or the people, @ least (¯△¯#) the people are making me really sad; oh, one more thing -- sorry i:ve really wanted to talk to you -- b4 curiouscat went down some anon askd me if i played "milk milk milk" -- i 4get the name, some visual novel; & i saw the sequel on steam today

16. it started with this description "russian girl with schizophrenia" & i got this huge urge of: "oh; i need to try to [exit] with more courage today;" i get influenced really easily, like that; i see media & i can:t separate my-self from it @ all; it:s my weakness, you know that ^^

17. saitou:s wounds replay in my mind over & over; akira:s wounds, too; & push-daggers words; i do the opposite of what push-dagger said, be-cause i:m so scared of the artery and the tendon -- i just wish they both would move out of the way, but: i mean: that:s the point, a-ha

18. o-k; i:m not sure if i:ll be able to go through with it; every moment & every-day i keep going back/forth between "lets just enjoy the day, you can:t finish it anyways" & "it will never get better, be strong & try again"; it:s all i can think about ne-more; & i:m scared of people

19. control is hidden in words, you know? ne-ways, please read what i wrote in the exchange diary -- & don:t laugh @ me about it either ok or i:ll be really hurt; i know -- you:ve never been mean to me; you mean a lot to me ^^ ok ok; i should go, i:m getting really cold; be safe, ok?

    

@ 1:35 P.M.

20. 

@ 2:41 P.M.

21. 

22. 

23. 

@ 3:19 P.M.

24. panuru i:m scared; i can:t sotp shaking

25. i can:t get warm i am covered in ewarm clothes and i can:t get warm

26. i don:]t know what to do panurul; they told me to calla nubmer & the number is a crisis hotline & they said htey won:t talk to me further to get my prescirption refilled until they get a clear bc of my schjizophrenia & she said she doesnt: believe me about being safe

27. i can:t afford that; they just took $170 from me to refuse me

28. panuru i:m terrified; id n:t have money

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:39 P.M.

29. the ppl who said doctors do not try to trick you into being institutionalizing yourself are: dweebs + liars

    [replier 1] if ur talking about ur local clinic ive been there theyre all hacks :) went to the hospital checkin itself pretended i was not ill to checkin for meds change and theyd do rush appointments, but sometimes would admit anyways. awful place dont trust em

    [replier 1] lets burn down the lif*****m [substacker:s note: this is actually the exact place, i:m surprised they guessed it so easily lol, i guess it:s 1-of-2 places]

30. however that sentnece is suppsoe to go; the antipsychiatry ppl all suck too; everyone sucks; me included

31. antipsychiatry-enjoyer has showd up with an understanding of schizophrenia about 1 wikipedia & 2 research papers deep + the buzz word social construct

32. this based doctor just gives me a number & takes $170 from me & says i can:t get shit until i call this number (tunrs out tis a crisis hotlien) & if i don:t call it by tomorrow morning theyre sending the cops; "doctors dont try to trick u" dipshit idiot enjoyer has logged on

33. it is so fucked that they found out about schizophrenia & pulld my fuckn 170$ out from under me until i get medicated & checkd in; schizophrenia enjoyr has loggd on the fuck is this this shit is so lame i don:t even have schizophrenia i:m just very emotional + kinda cute

34. ppl wohlesale are such trash; you:re all in on it i can say it with 50% confidence & it:s perfect; like you need a bigger ego; you know i can:t succeed in exiting & you know i missed a bill payment & you know i ran out of meds & you know i don:t have a job & you kno i:m afraid

35. the more i don:t want to tsee or talk to any fuckign oen is when everyone suddenly wants to talk; the mroe fear i have the more the dumb ass bees feel my pulse and aggravate; they touch the pattern in the stupid fuck phosphene torture wall & suddenly torture RESONATES everywhere

36. holden had it right it:s all phonies

37. ne-ways gonna call this crisis hotline bc hey in 4 a penny in 4 a pound

38. they put me on hold immediately after i told them doc told me to call very spooky

39. crisis report: guy was confused & nice said "workd here 4 like a decade never heard of this" & gave me appt 4 march (so fast) & some other phone# to call w/o much xplanation hope this is enough to not have a wellness check done bc my doctor doesn:t believe me

40. what about my meds tho how m i spose to wait till march

…from Signal @###-####, conversation with Iris @###-####

@ 3:47 P.M.

41. {…messages received…}

42. {…messages received…}

43. {…messages received…}{…messages received…}

44. they have my address

45. if u get invol committed they just put u in debt / sign u up 4 medicaid

46. doesn:t matter if you can:t pay

47. {…messages received…}

48. {…messages received…}

49. {…messages received…}

50. i don:t have meds to take

51. {…messages received…}

52. they want to do it bc they think i will kill myself

53. {…messages received…}

54. it:s just me here

55. {…messages received…}

56. {…messages received…}

57. she thinks i will kill myself and am lying about it because i have a history of schizophrenia and won:t give me hrt bc they think the hrt is making my schizophrenia worse which is making me want to kms

58. {…messages received…}

59. {…messages received…}

60. i never said i had a plan just they were monitoring my call and when the nurse askd have u thought about hurting yourself i said ya

61. {…messages received…}

62. {…messages received…}

63. then another person came on and was listneing the whole time and said this is serious and wantd me to do [:@:@:@:@:@: services or w/e to help me

64. then called me after to followup on some things n askd me if i have a plan

65. i got reall ynervous bc i was scared and said no i don:t but said it weird bc i mean i mjsut thinking lady it is christmas i don:t want to be in jail 4 christmas

66. then i dont believe u then hold on then crisis hotlien given to me secretly / mara i think i need to do a wellness check on you because i dont thinnk oure being upfront about ur state of mind / we:re not going to give u a refill until u can get a psychiatrist to verify that there is no conflict w/ it

67. this is planned parenthood

68. this is informd consen

69. its wherei always go

70. {…messages received…}

71. {…messages received…}

72. ya

73. {…messages received…}

74. i am conflicted because honestly i probnably should be institutionalzied but like i just want my meds bc i:m out
    i paid $170 4 this

75. {…messages received…}

76. idk about illegal it jsut sounds like a dick move

77. {…messages received…}

78. no but this is florida they r still doctors and nurses

79. if u think someone is a harm to themself u can just baker act them

80. {…messages received…}

81. i dountb it:s that bc they get big money 4 hrt; it:s just htey think i am suicidal

82. + apparently schizophrenia is triggr 4 emoving that to top of hierarchy or w/e lame shit

83. iris i am doing extremely bad

84. the doctor isn:t entirely wrong; the situation is fuckd but if it wasn:t 4 the fear of massive maountfs of deb ti:d be way less uspet about this

85. {…messages received…}

86. {>you could stay with me}

87. {…messages received…}

88. idk; iris i m doing extremely bad; mentally put some underlines underneathe it

89. {…messages received…}

90. i:m afraid of everyone; i am afraidof you; i don:t rlly want ot talk to anyone i am just talking here bc anger/panic is overriding self-hatred

91. i am afraid of you because i am worried if i move back in i will just b a depressing dark lump in a room that will make u depressd & will just sort of; b more shit 4 both of us

92. i miss you a lot, but there was a lot of bad that i don:t know if it is addressd @ all & it:s mostly on me; there:s the intimacy issues & the inability to Perform made me really depressd, & the poly stuff hurt me too bc it felt like i wasn:t, idk, i don:t want to type it but i get it but it still hurts sort of thing bc i can:t get over mylsef; then there:s just thelack of warmth thing in generalfrom me; then there:s like the: why can:t i stop panickig @ the idea of being a person so i can b more than just a burden on everyone

93. i hate it a lot; i hate it so much and i am really afraid that i can:t ever have a relationship with another person because i am poison and i really want to just give up & never leave here

94. it sounds really good to move in with you or visit your family 4 a bit but it:s me i am trying to run away from; may-b that is me being opaque to myself; idk;& it:sunfair toput it all on me

95. {>i don't think you understand how good of a person you are}

96. absolutely not i md rowning ins elf hatred

97. {…messages received…}

98. {…messages received…}

99. {…messages received…}

100. {…messages received…}

101. {…messages received…}{…messages received…}

102. {…messages received…}{…messages received…}{…messages received…}

103. {…messages received…}

104. {…messages received…}

105. {…messages received…}

106. {…messages received…}

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:17 P.M.

107. planned parenthood r massive narcs

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:55 P.M.

108. [substacker:s note: the emails the nurse sent me, i also got sent a huge manila envelope of the same material]

     

…from Signal @###-####, conversation with Iris @###-####

@ 5:38 P.M.

109. i wasn:t trying to avoid this convo i just got stressd so started eating these bags of dried kale my mom got me + took a shower bc i stank and when i get really nervous/upset i just sweat like an idiot 4 some reason

110. my mom is very nice to me here; the damage is just like passive "bad vibes" or, idk, i probably downplay it; when i re-read some of the stuff i wrote in my diary, the past ~3 weeks just read like a long cry 4 help & i m very unaware of my own distress @ times

111. but ya just in general idk; it:s hard 4 me to figure out; i miss you a lot & i keep thinking about crying to jpeggy in the car lol; on the last day or the day b4 when you were out i was just crying like an idiot to some stupid peggy track & then i remember posting "crying to peg" "cry in my mouth peggy" & driving to get hot :za w/ you in car listening to song i was crying to but not crying now

112. & then i remember [senpai] listening to me talk about stuff she is curious about n then getting really Triggered & redacted redacted redacted redacted bc i don:t seem to b picking up that what i say is like, idk, heavy in ne way

113. & i spiral a lot like that @@

114. ^ i can go on constantly about shit like this bc i never stop thinking about stuff like this; & it makes me very confused re: myself; but it gives me an impression of being well-read in regards to myself bc of how much i study it ^^

115. what i mean to say is: how miserable i am is not lost on me; i am insanely miserable; i m not opposed @ all to being institutionalized outside of "being a financial burden makes it seem like it will make me even moer depressed + i am scared of my faith going away due to medication", but i am /really/ bad at the moment -- i am trying to emphasize this w/o saying exactly what life is like 4 me atm bc i don:t want to say bad shit & be manipulator <-- more stuff i cycle in my head about

116. i m ultra neurotic dude

117. plus the crisis guy calld me ma:am on the phone

118. idk; there:s something to all of this in a meta-sense that i can:t ever explain to ne-one very well, maybe redacted can understand it bc maybe he is similar to me

119. & it:s just like: i don:t feel like i am understood by people, in as angsty of a way as it sounds; like: i don:t feel like anyone ever understands my emotions, or idk, i don:t know how to put it; but being around people makes me really miserable often -- bc it:s likie a constant source of anger that i don:t want to b angry about but i can:t help it @ all, & it always makes me seem insane; or like: way too cold; & it just feels like this giant mass of human experience is completely out of my hands, & when i get close to ppl i feel like i kept getting hurt by this giant-mass-i-lack

120. idk; i miss you a lot & in my diary i write a lot about how i miss rolling around on u n being rubbed like i am a beloved dog (n then i comment how this seems really blatantly psychosexual w/ how i relate my own happiness / acceptable touch w similar ways pets r treated)

121. but then i just start thinking about how much ppl scare me & hurt me & how my anger issues are swallowing me alive & how i believe a bunch of dumb shit no-one wants to hear about &, idk

122. idk x4

123. i m done i m just ramblinbg

124. {>is dried kale good?}

125. o it:s super good let me find it

126. my mind buys it in bulk boxes

127. mom

128. [link to brads dried kale on amazon]

129. it:s super yummy but like half the bag is like the crushd chip dust @ bottom of bag

130. {…messages received…}

131. {…messages received…}{…messages received…}

132. {…messages received…}

133. {…messages received…}

134. {…messages received…}

135. {…messages received…}

136. panko?

137. {…messages received…}

138. that does sound rlly good

139. {…messages received…}

140. {…messages received…}

141. look i feel that reading into mental illness stuff online is big confirmation bias trap

     

142. but i feel like this list is a black pill 4 me

143. that or like snooty narcissist issues

144. {…messages received…}{…messages received…}

145. {…messages received…}{…messages received…}

146. whether it is autism or some brain damage or just me being a dick; it makes me really upset constantly and i can:t help it & i don:t like it about myself & i hate that i can:t help it

147. bc it:s not fun just hating people voer dumbshit and then hating myself over hating dumbshit

148. {…messages received…}{…messages received…}{…messages received…}

149. sure i get that but i still just hate it because it makes me really lonely; i just can:t tolerate people mostly-ever

150. {…messages received…}

151. {…messages received…}

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:37 P.M.

152. 

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:31 P.M.

153. having iris family flashbacks? idk; it used to happen @ iris familys house where id: be back in lesburg; now i:m back in the bedroom @ iris family house and i am so disoriented

154. i:m not like,h allucinating; i:m confused; i don:t know how to describe it; it:s really freaking me out

155. maybe it:s like weird diabetes confusion (my mom ahs me tihnking this again); i had my phone on this little shelf to my right -- which was where my second-desk was @ iris:s house (two desks pressd together like an L) & that:s where i usually ketp my phone; &it:s made me so confus

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:47 P.M.

156. panuru; i:m here late but i need to talk in a little bit; i:m calmer, now, though; but i want to hang out ok

@ 10:40 P.M.

157. o-k; i:m a little upset; i think i am warming up to other people a little; or: i am so upset about the doctor taking $170 that i don:t mind talking to others -- iris reached out to me, & wanted to show me support; & said she was in love with me; & i didn:t know what to say

158. i:ve been having a weird time @ night in my room where i keep thinking i am in my bedroom @ iris-family house; over-all confused & don:t know what to do; i did play milk-milk-milk -- it was short -- it was ok; i don:t have much to say, i liked it though, i:d give it 5/10

159. still thinking about iris; she said she really missed me & that i shouldn:t hate myself so much: i was really responsible, patient, understanding, and mature about the relationship & helped iris out w/ a lot of areas she struggled with; she said i could move in w/ her family

160. i don:t really know what to think about this stuff, (¯△¯#) i wanted to know what you would do, here; i don:t know what you would do; i:m scared they:ll call the cops on me & i:ll end up in a massive amount of debt & be stuck here even further; i want to kick dirt, panuru

161. i guess i am going to go sleep; it was nice visiting; i should probably start talking to people again -- maybe; it depends on if they call the coppers on me; the funny thing is the doctor is completely right about me lying -- but still; o-k; goodnight panuru, i love you, b safe

---

[substacker:s note: mara from 2022/02/23 is writing this; hello mara from 2021/12/22, this incident ended up helping you a lot. please look forward to that! it makes you really upset in the moment, but you start to sincerely love life after, & value-more the few people in your life. there:s some sad-points, though; your older sister (me) ends up falling into the same issues that caused you hopelessness here (i never change, huh?). i feel completely hopeless, again. but — i still have a lot of love in my heart, & i don:t want to give up (for your sake 😎). i:ll admit: i don:t know how to save myself this time around. that march appointment you made here is sneaking up on me, & i:m somewhat banking that they will force me on anti-psychotics, & snap me out of [what is presently happening]. i:m scared, but i:ll be strong! love you, let me know how it goes when you get here — ok? Mara]