2022/02/27 - christmas special

dec 23rd - dec 25th

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Dec 23rd

TODAY:S FORECAST：figuring out if i am going to brain-jail, & finding a new anonymous question service (：３：）

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:17 A.M.

1. sometimes i get the feeling thatthe greatest export of scihub is dunning kruger; this is mostly from the perscpeticve of psych stuff bc it:s what i see the most

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:44 A.M.

2. the place they want to baker act me to has almost exclusively reviews saying "they beat u; there r bugs in the food; u get sedated; bathrooms get lockd; they steal ur clothes & phone; there aren:t beds" consistently from like 6 years ago to the present

3. if i get baker actd on christmas i:ll b so sad

4. on the upside: getting baker act:d @ a shit hole might b good 4 character development + according to reviews they don;t really diagnose you w/ anything so it:ll actually just be a complete waste of time + money

5. i m so anxious about this time feels like it:s moving super slow bc i:m just waiting 4 this phonecall

@ 8:53 A.M.

6. got my first phonecall but it was a desk lady & not the actual person who wants to put coppers on me; the desk lady basically went "ya this situation sounds stupid idk they are refusing you treatment until you speak to a psychrst you don:t have" so i have to w8 4 more phonecalls

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:09 A.M.

7. braindead mutuals shitting on Christians for worrying if it's ok to okay fnaf; of all the things to mock someone why that? I'm so sick of these unfunny losers

8. play not okay i m terrible at phones

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:13 A.M.

9. [Substacker:s Note: OP posts deleted, but it was a screenshot of some redditor christian asking some redditor christian subreddit if it was ok to play FNAF even though it had some un-christian content in it, & the OP post was saying something along the lines of, roughly, “how do you let yourself be controlled this much into not enjoying yourself” — i got super mad in a way that maybe wasn:t warranted, but mad all the same]

   they are enjoying their faith tho

   [OP] it feels bleak to know there are adult humans on the planet who are so scared of the god they love and the world they experience god through that they are scared to extract any further love of god and god's world from any non explicitly church approved source

   [@ 9:20 a.m.] i don:t think they are afraid of god, that is like saying ppl who take showers are afraid of dirt -- they just like being clean; their faith to them means trying to look fresh

   [OP] some people who take showers do explicitly do so because they are scared of dirt or dirt born contagions though, and as an analogue the argument reads to me that the OP should find all non explicitly religious ideas to be potentially fundamentally spiritually toxic

   should the people who are sincerely afraid of dirt be laughed at for being weird?

   [OP] i didnt post the screenshot explicitly to laugh at them or anything i presented it without comment because i found it sincerely shocking to me (and still do). i think the absurdity of the implied scenario that a children's video game is inherently evil enough to single handedly

   [ @9:31 a.m.] the absurdity isn:t lost on me; i have to apologize i might be a little upset about this & i don:t mean to start some weird debate -- i just get really kneejerk about stuff like this & am not good @ impulse control; i am sorry

   [OP] its all good && no sweat. religion is not something i frown upon or think is laughable at all or something && i dont think these people are evil or anything it just runs very contrary to my own relationship to the subject in a way that was shocking

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:21 A.M.

10. i am engaging w/ this idiot; this is so annoying & so is everyone in that sphere; how do you not look @ what you are saying & realize you are doing the "haha look @ these weirdos" thing; i might just be filled w/ a lot of emotion here but i hate these people

11. it:s unfair 4 me to hate them because they are just doing their own kneejerk blind environmental insect shit like all of the other insects connectd to their lame unfunny nerve intelligence & i don:t know WHY i expect anything different but WHY NOT

12. why are so many of you a) so fucking lame '& b) so fucking mean; most heinous of all: c) so fucking unfunny

13. take eight steps outside of yourselves and realize 75% of you are fucking cowards afraid to say your feelings & all you can do is laugh about how "sincere you are" while constantly putting on layers of fucking insincerity to hide the possibility of being disliked by someone

14. just admit you want to go haha laugh @ weirdo

15. lets cut out the language of politics and trauma; you just want to go haha laugh @ weirdo; i don:t like these people

16. i am unfairly mad sure & this is not a good look 4 me in private but jesus am i tired of seeing all these deadbeats

17. press down the stomach of unfunny lefty and out drools an unfunny debatelord

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:30 A.M.

18. arguing in favor of christians this morning what a world

19. arguing in favor of the ppl who belong to a big dark shadow that cast itself over my life what a world; i always get confusd bc i think i m in spheres where ppl aren:t just making fun of "weird group" but i am always wrong there is always a "weird group"

20. god i am so mad; i absollutely hate this about me; i tried punching my stuffed animal but i couldn:t bring myself to do it because it felt like betraying; so i tried punching my pillow and after doing it once it felt too bad bc i felt like i was hurting soemone so i:m just seethn

21. i wish everyone in the world would fuck off so i wouldn:t have to be angry all the time; it:s the based thing about this acct is the only posts i see are the DOE blog-posts & scientology ads

22. get the experience of reading my timeline

    

23. unexpected upside: i m so angry about the doctor situatoin that i m definitely not sewersidal l8ly

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:36 A.M.

24. i hate being angry so much; i hate how it feels and i hate how i can:t do anything about it because hitting objects makes me feel guilty &, & i:m just left w/ my muscles locking up and my body feels like a wire being pulled

25. i hate other people; i hate seeing them & their stupid inconsistencies that just make me upset

26. plus it makes my armpits sweat

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:35 A.M.

27. ok i fixed it by unlinking my twitter acct (not ideal but i don:t like my twitter to get flooded w/ off-site reposts -- i like to segregate online presences) w/ that said you can ask me stuff here: https://peing.net/en/marlbaraltd [substacker:s note: there were several deleted posts before this advertising the peing account, mostly asking for people to send me test-questions to figure out how to stop peing.net from automatically reposting my answers on my twitter]

…from peing.net @marlbaraLTD

28. ☆彡「what kind of movies do you like?」

    • i am just answering this to figure out how the interface / site works

29. ☆彡「i:m a hard working question asker!!」

    • ok thnak you very much question-asker; let me see if htis sends to my twitter -- if so idk what to do (¯△¯#)

30. ☆彡「have you seen the moon recently?」

    • hello; thank you 4 writing me -- 4 this question i turned the "autopost" feature "on" to see if it:ll autopost or not.. having it set-off made it autopost (¯△¯#); answer to question: no, i actually haven:t really been outside @ night for weeks; i:ll try to catch it tonight if the psych-cops don:t get me

31. ☆彡「hello! i am a new follower! i would like to know some of your favorite things about anime」

    • good morning, anonymous; ty 4 taking the time to ask me stuff + help me; your question is hard to answer but mostly -- i like seeing "similar versions of myself" or my issues in anime, but in a form that is easier 4 me to love; i end up turning to anime for comraderie & often series (& revisiting series) becomes similar to "visiting family/friends" to me -- i get really excited to see them & experience my favorite ppl again. take care of yourself, ok?

32. ☆彡「another tester here to help! i:m not so hard-working though…」

    • thank you 4 taking the time to help, hard-working anonymous; even if you don:t see your-own effort in yourself: i see it & appreciate your effort, so thank you, ok?

33. ☆彡「why haven:t uou killed yourself yet?」

    • good morning anonymous & thank you 4 taking the time to write me; that question is tricky: i think death isn:t scary, but i think the process of dying is ultra scary -- so i have a lot of cold-feet/fear in regards to that, & my suicide attempts echo that: i get really scared of basic phobia stuff (i am terrified of body circuitry, like veins/arteries/nerves) & every-time i need to "man up & cut through it" i get really weak; my strategy was to slowly work up the courage by doing it so regularly that eventually i would "just succeed w/o realizing it" -- but bodies are way more resilient than we give them credit 4; there:s other methods like hanging & gun-shot (this is silly) but i don:t want my corpse to look like that; i:d want to bleed-out or drown; i am scared of overdosing;

      so general summary answer: a lot of fear, but also i keep getting flashes of "i want to stay alive" bc stuff like loved-ones/religion/anime keeps me around. have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

34. ☆彡「hello! have you read/watched any manga or anime that you liked recently?」

    • moshi moshi, thank you 4 writing me & good afternoon, anonymous; first: i might use another service because i kind of hate this one, it is covered in ads & i hate the UI & like the menus r nonsense imo <-- debatable: charming; neways your answer:

      i:m reading hourou musuko atm & i really like it, it:s kinda "eeeeh" because blatantly: it:s about kids struggling with gender identity, which is really personal, but also: there is grooming in the plot. the parts that don:t make uncomfortable i really like & are really "painful" 4 me (& i don:t know if this is a good pain or not). i:m actively reading kengan omega as it releases; & watching yondemasu yo azazel-san, & boogiepop and others, & rewatching baccano.

      u can check my MAL, it:s mostly "accurate" in terms of stuff i am actually reading/watching & i try to keep it updated https://myanimelist.net/profile/UFOUFOimemptyUFO keep cool anonymous, ok?

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:43 A.M.

35. i like the build-up in intensity

    

@ 2:59 P.M.

36. i:m dropping peing n using this instead https://retrospring.net/birthday i:m just desperate to get curiouscat back [substacker:s note: questions+answers added @ the end of day — i:ll move them to the start-of-the-day starting tomorrow]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:28 P.M.

37. i like this one way more; i can edit the theme & the settings actually work + the ui is nice,,

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:58 P.M.

38. back from doing a bunch of errands n still no idea what is happening w/ the situation, but the pharmacy canceled my refill thru my doctor so that @ least is still happening; bro my money

39. i m not a schizophrenia enjoyer

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 1:53 P.M.

40. this is soooo, idk anxiety inducing? the desk lady basically said ya sounds like u got fuckd; the pharmacist confirmd my prescription is canceled; i tried to call back later & they knew me by name + said we have a tech error call back later; & i get worried cops will show up

41. anxiety is from: "should i call back?" "should i just cut my losses & not call?" "if i don]:t call will they just call the cops on me?" etc

42. calld, desk lady gave me some confidencve and (since she was bored bc it:s a slow day) decided to just bump my case to high priority bc she appreciated someone calling; but she has no idea about the correspondence between the doctor & nurse (the ppl who put holds on me)

@ 4:09 P.M.

43. bro you can:t redflag yourself this hard [substacker:s note: if this anonymous reads this: people don:t appreciate being called fucked up + condescending 4 not reciprocating your desire]

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:11 P.M.

44. these guys r really going to keep me waiting all day n end up not calling me @ all

45. ok cool i think this means i can workout now n not b tense all day; the contact they gave me isn:t answering fone @ all even tho it:s personal line; nice i:m not being committed great job mara ^^ rip to 170$

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 5:14 P.M.

46. ok nice i:m not getting committed on christmas theyre just taking my money 4 no reason (￣ー￣)🙏

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:30 P.M.

47. i m still mad about it BUT i can take a shower w/o worrying about ppl knockn on my door or missing a fonecall (￣▽￣) workout was nice (?)

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:20 P.M.

48. i love [retrospring] xcept that i can:t put images in it; i just answered questions 4 like thirty minutes straight tho that is so blessed (sincerely, because the doctor stuff is stressing me out really bad bc out of meds & it:s nice to just not think about it 4 a bit lol)

49. also apparently you can:t use line breaks in it which is a little q (¯3¯) p

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:43 P.M.

50. in terms of aggro peing>tumblr>>curiouscat>>>>retrospring; retrospring has been so chill idk, usually when i advertise my question stuff i get a p good blend of mean-questions (like in peing -- or, i m assuming that question was mean), but retrospring has just been 100% nice

51. i definitely don:t think it will stay that way 4ever but it:s really nice in the present ^^

@ 10:03 P.M.

52. ok bed time night o7

…from retrospring @birthday [questions received from 3pm~3am]

53. ★彡「merry christmas」

    • hello, good afternoon; merry christmas anonymous ^^

54. ★彡「How's your xmas shaping up?, Is it going 2 be fuckup or cool? 😎」

    • good afternoon anonymous, & thank you 4 taking the time to write me; it:s hard to say -- i am still waiting 4 a phonecall to see if i am being baker acted or not, if not: i don:t think i will be celebrating much, really; i got two letters from friends & one gift from my wishlist! (someone i knew asked me in DMs & idk, i felt comfortable saying yes); i hope your christmas goes well, too, anonymous; & merry christmas

55. ★彡「hi! do you have any manga that you'd recommend to read that's generally accessible to most audiences? thanks! i hope your fortune turns well soon and that this website is a good substitute for cc」

    • hello anonymous, thank you 4 taking the time to write me; i have to think (¯-¯); i never mention it but i /really/ liked hokuto no ken & it:s a pretty easy read (it was really popular 4 a reason) but also: houseki no kuni has the same acronym & is also pretty easy to get in-to, i think (altho it initially gives a very "all style, no substance" vibe imo); kengan ashura/omega you can:t go wrong w/ imo, very easy to get in-to & fast-paced, art is good too; spirit circle is one of my all-time favorites & is really accessible i think,, ok! that is all t hat comes to mind; please take care of yourself & thanks again 4 writing me, anonymous

56. ★彡「Mara what outrageous conspiracy theory do you think might actually be true」

    • hello anonymous & thank-you-very-much 4 writing me; i don:t know if any come to mind -- i try to avoid conspiracy theories because i can get really in-to them really easy; for instance: i was (& "am") a little afraid that the vaccine would fundamentally change my person/soul -- like in the biblical conspiracy stuff that viper (the rapper) is always going-on about;

      likewise: scientology has this thing about LSD permanently changing you away from being a human -- and i kind-of believe stuff like this very easy, bc it:s like tied in-to hypochondria; larger scale stuff like "NWO" n the like i just don:t care about bc i could never interact w/ it. these are the only examples that come to mind atm; hope this is adequate; be safe, anonymous, ok?

57. ★彡「why do you use colon instead of apostrophe? i like it it's cool.」

    • hello anonymous & good afternoon & ty 4 writing me; surprisingly: not many people askme this & think it is like a homestuck quirk; i have a japanese language keyboard w/ a bunch of extra japanese keys & i do not have an apostrophe key in the normal place -- i have a colon key (my ' is shift+7, which is extremely unergonomic), so i just use colon instead & i like how it makes my text look bc it:s (2) & it:ll add up to (4) more easily + the symmetry; have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

58. ★彡「hello do you have any hobbies」

    • hello anonymous good afternoon &&& ty vm 4 taking the time to write me; i draw & i write & very-very rarely do i read; my drawing is mostly all on my twitter accts, & my writing is mostly all towards my substack acct (https://demon5equal10birth5day3equal8.substack.com/); i like to read visual novels occasionally; i read "milk inside a bag of milk inside a bag of milk" yesterday & am planning on reading its sequel today if i don:t get lockd up 🙏; have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

59. ★彡「<4」

    • <4

60. ★彡「what do you want for christmas」

    • good-after-noon anon-kun & ty 4 writing me; i made an amazon wishlist 4 fun (i won:t share it bc i understand my account is a lot of Misery on my behalf & linking that stuff feels like i m using Misery to get stuff) that is mostly just like: comics i like / want to own, scientology stuff, some art supplies (just oil pastels rlly), & knives i think are cool!

      but, what i would really like 4 christmas: nice food & i want to be with my friends irl & i want to see christmas lights w/ them & i DO want to open presents -- even tho i:m not a super material person (i am, but i don:t really "use objects" bc i don:t like touching things) -- i want to open up a bunch of cool comics n look @ the art.. that is the best i can come up w/;

      have a really nice christmas, ok, anonymous?

61. ★彡「if you had the same soul but were in a non-human physical body which kind would it be?」

    • good afternoon anonymous, ty 4 the question; i think a really cruel answer to this is dog, but hopefully just a claypot or some spider -- ideally a nephilia, like a big banana spider; have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

62. ★彡「merry christmas mara wont u put up ur wishlist to send u presents」

    • good afternoon anonymous -- it:s tempting but i would feel really manipulative sharing that when i:ve been really suicidal l8ly; people get me gifts & then if i relapse i feel like i:ve let them down more,, i:m bad @ accepting things; even money, i have it mostly set-up so that if any-one donates to me i:ll be able to refund them if "i really disappear" bc i don:t want people to feel like i:ve betrayed their support; idk; i do want gifts; have a merry christmas, anonymous, ok?

63. ★彡「can u repost your rikako arts pleaseee i love rikako」

    • found a weakness w/ this service: no image hosting! i can:t put images in here... but to your question: i don:t think i:ve ever made rikako art before? i:m looking thru my image folder & not finding it -- i scanned thru my substack a little & couldn:t find any rikako art, either -- sorry anonymous; you might be thinking of

      Henrietta @henriettasdfkj

      

64. ★彡「please link it 🙏」

    • scared to do that, anonymous ^^ it feels too manipulative on my part

65. ★彡「the truth is i wish i could be involved in your life i wish i meant something, but I know how fucked up u are and realize any efforts will always be swallowed up accidentally or you will condescendingly ignore my tries. it makes my heart hurt」

    • hello anonymous, & thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; i don:t think wanting privacy w/ my relationships makes me condescending -- an issue i run in-to very often is: i am very open with myself & my feelings, & other people end up knowing a lot about me, & i become a real living person to them ------ but i have no idea who they are, & often what happens is these people do not treat me like "a normal person" but instead as a "mass of issues" & from experience it:s a very bad foundation 4 any sort-of relationship. + i just don:t interact with people very often ^^ people scare me & it is why i like curiouscat: anonymous is different & does not scare me (as much, i still get scared often); take care of yourself, anonymous, ok? you come first

66. ★彡「turns out it was hens art that i vaguely remember bakc then... sorry abt that mara!!!! another question..! what are your favorite visual novels!!!」

    • oh awesome ^^ i love hen he:s my favorite artist & i m blessed to be friends w/ him -- promoting his stuff is absolutely no trouble @ all; my favorite visual novels (i haven:t read that many, actually) are probably: subarashiki hibi -- it:s very popular but i think it completely deserves the popularity; sengoku rance -- also very popular ^^ but i think alicesoft is a genius developer & sengoku rance kind-of shows a great breadth of what they can do -- also toushin toshi 2 i have a vndb thing here https://vndb.org/u204812/ulist?vnlist=1 u can see just how little i:ve read; take care, anonymous, ok?

67. ★彡「Mara will u keep making substack posts? i really like reading them, the way u structure the posts is cool. its like Mara lore」

    • hello anonymous & Thank you 4 writing me, & Good Evening... answer: yes! i love my substack; i should be working on it /right now/ but the [baker act] situation has me really tense & i can:t focus (why i:m over here hitting f5 answering questions), but that situation will b resolved innnnn ~14 minutes from now: either they call the cops on me or they r closing 4 the holidays & this stupid situation resolves w/ no one giving a shit; but yes: i love my substack & i am glad you enjoy it ^^ the next few days of posts (following my last) are more depression-themed ones,, reading back thru it made me kind-of sad bc (as i put in the title) i am blatantly in need of help lol <-- && it escalated to the present where doctor wants to commit me; gomen ty 4 the kind words & have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

68. ★彡「hello mara. can i ask how do i get motivation to revise more for my highschool exams? finding that im way to good at procrastinating」

    • good evening; anonymous: i can not give you advice here @ all; i never studied 4 nething besides doing quick read-overs in the car-ride to school + doing homework up against the deadline; my advice to you is only vaguely related: figure out a way to study / hold your-self to task, bc "capability to study" kind-of bleeds in-to many aspects of life (4 instance: can you make yourself work reliably on your own?) -- & i have no idea how to do this & it:s why i became a hiki & still am a hiki; don:t become a hiki, anonymous: learn to flourish o7

69. ★彡「good afternoon. what are your favourite mangas? i read a lot of the same stuff as you and would like to know more if possible. thank you」

    • good evening honeydew; my favorite manga is narutaru, i like bokurano a lot more too & i think bokurano is objectively better -- but narutaru is my favorite; i don:t have too much to say here, really; i really like csm/firepunch (everything by that guy rlly); i like spirit circle a lot; fourteen was a really memorable read; solo exchange diary is probably sticking w/ me; transjitter was memorable -- but really it:s just narutaru; i read things n move on; have very happy holidays, honeydew, ok?

70. ★彡「i wanna write a lot to u but the message box keeps saying my question is too long ; ;」

    • you can try using pastebin, anonymous

71. ★彡「why do u like birthdays so much?」

    • good evening anonymous & ty 4 taking the time to write to me; the reason why i like birthdays is tough to say -- & involves a lot of hokey self-analysis;

      the basic level is: i think everyone should have a good birthday -- they are special occasions & i think it is very sad that some people don:t get gifts or cake or find them depressing;

      a step further is: i wish /i/ had good birthdays, because i usually don:t -- 4 most of my life i have been extremely alone & most people do not get me stuff & rarely do i have cake;

      a step further, in-to the lame analysis is: a [very traumatic?] event happened on my eighteenth birthday, @ the first party i had w/ my friends ever rlly, & it made me really weird about birthdays;

      i try to make ppl birthday cards (even if i don:t kno them very well) bc that means @ least one person remembered their birthday;

      there is an under-layer of faith stuff: birth(5) is a divine word because it is 5 digits long, and matches demon(5) & angel(5) in accordance to geometry; day(3) is three digits long, and is half-insect (bug(3)=trinity(3)) but combined with birth(5) brings it to birthday(8) which is the arachnid-mundane geometry (8) & is made out of divine configuration (bears 5 inside);

      while playing subarashiki hibi i thought there was really profound importance in the agents of the spiral matai -- angel erase, angel advise, & angel (something i 4get); @ this time, i noticed all of their names were 5+5 (ex: angel(5) erase(5)) so i thought that, since i am made of qlifotic material, then my divine name/pollutant is sourced from demon(5), & that my agent id was hidden in-front of me: birth(5) due to me being neurotic about birthdays ---- of course way later, i realized that advise was not (5) digits long. hope that answers it, anonymous; take care of yourself, ok?

72. ★彡「hi mara i dont really have anything to ask, i'm just happy you at least found a space where you can talk to anonymous and i really love your sengoku turb comics」

    • good evening anonymous: even though you don:t really have a question, thank you very much 4 taking the time to write to me & 4 the kind words ^^ i:m extremely glad someone likes the things i make; have a nice night & a merry christmas, anonymous, ok?

73. ★彡「how do i discover my true name」

    • hello anonymous; i don:t think i have a satisfactory answer 4 this; @ a base-level though it starts with 3, 4, 6, 8 -- 3 & 6 are the sefirotic numbers; 4 & 8 are the qlifotic numbers; 5 is divine & belongs to things that aren:t in the illusion (bc they r divine); 3 is trinity; 4 is quaternity; 3 is adam; 4 is eve (quaternity always comes "after"); 1 is vertice; 2 is spline/satan (it comes after 1, so it is also quaternity);

      all even numbers bear satan; the full insect number 6 (3+3) is less contaminated with satan (lucifer (lucifer knowledge)) than the full arachnid number 8 (4+4 -- divisible by two); & then it falls in-to proximity & dispatterning in illusion;

      i don:t necessarily believe you are real, so i don:t necessarily believe you have a name outside of 3/6 <-- this is very paranoid; but: less-paranoid: it is a true name, so it is something only you can know, you know? take care of yourself anonymous, ok? & merry christmas ヽ(´▽`)/

74. ★彡「oh!!! mara!!! hello, can you explain the numbers associated with words & what the concept of symmetry is to you? im really interested!! thank you, take care of yourself!:)」

    • helloo anonymous, good evening, & thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; i explained it more in the question i answered immediately b4 this; but here is another explanation:

      imagine blender (the program), & a blender project; existence is canvas -- or god is the desktop environment -- or god is the computer, who knows it:s too many fractals; but 4 this: god is the vertice vertice=1, god=vertice; not enough to make a "form" but is in all "form" we will make in blender absence of vertice=canvas;

      canvas=nyarlathotep?

      spline=2, satan/lucifer(interchangeable)=spline; not enough to make form yet, but is connection; this is where knowledge begins & where lucifer starts to infect all of the following numbers

      tri=3, trinity=tri, it:s our most basic building block of form, & with this we can finally create; it:s our adam, & from adam will come eve, & from the two of them r where the children of life will be born

      quad=4, quaternity=4; it:s still our most basic building block -- as it:s just the shape created by combining two tris, or: it:s the shadow cast by the tri; it:s our unnatural building block, & where eve is from, & where qlifot was created; eve was drawn from the broken adam rib; qlifot was drawn from the broken sefirot vessel; the children of death (the left-handed people made from qlifot material) start here; in christianity: this is also where satan has "existence" in quaternity: father, son, spirit, satan <-- not a real configuration, but one created via shadow

      5+=greater divine ngons, it:s where angels & demons are;

      following numbers are either ngons (built off of divine 5) or combinations of tri+quad:

      insect is 6, insect is bug+bug; or 3+3;

      birthday is ngon+tri; demon birth is ngon+ngon

      ^ etcetera; symmetry comes in-to play mostly to imitate life, & a really simple "visual" level; ie: 3 exists as a split insect (literally: chop a cockroach in half, you have 3 on one side, 3 on the other) & maintaining this form gives "figures" stronger composition, ie: sculpting something in blender with all tris vs sneaking ngons in with your tris hopefully this answers number stuff; i have more number questions to get to.. (￣▽￣) merrcy christmas anonymous & have a nice night, ok?

75. ★彡「what's your favorite thing about numerology and what helped you get into it?」

    • hello anonymous, thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; i don:t know anything about numerology, i am sad to say; everything i say is came from visions / qlifot, & i have no formal understanding outside of that <-- i also try to be clear about "areas i have no information" about in regards to visions: ie: i know very little about sefirotic-issues, because i am not made from sefirot; this explanation hopefully also explains "how i got into it" -- & honestly: outside of my vague answer here, i do not remember how it started <-- my educated guess is it started with categorizing everything in-to arachnid & insect (because i had to differentiate the two, after i learned that spider(6) sometimes is confused with insect(6) because the insect intelligence intentionally set up the world to hide the identity of spider(6) to subsume it into the mass: the most surface level unfunny game the torture chamber plays: spiders(6) will see themselves as insects(6), & spiders(6) will see spiders(6) as insect(6); it is identity babel. have a nice night anonymous, & merry christmas, ok?

76. ★彡「hey, are you ok with people talking to you in dms? ik you said people scare you so.. don't want to be overbearing! 🤍」

    • helllo anonymous, ty 4 checking with me ^^; i am open with people dming me but i ignore people in dms really often -- people are often "too much" 4 me to handle & i poorly cope by just, alienating myself & not responding; i do read the messages; i:m just scared of people & i get angry really easily :-/ <-- if you are willing to assume the "risk" of me not responding: then ya no worries; despite how i seem i:m not super rude to ppl (i just might not respond); have a nice night, anonymous, ok? & merry christmas ^^

77. ★彡「i know you have a system for colors & their meanings; but before you found that, what where your favourite colors as a child?」

    • helloo anonymous; this answer is really easy: green (it:s still probably my favorite); i loved the green ranger & i associated it w/ power & i thought emeralds were SO PRETTY; it was my favorite until i watched the spawn movie & it gave me a nightmare where a giant green blob w/ mascara & heavy makeup chased me thru an office-maze and sucked on me w/ it:s big made-up lips. in hindsight: weirdly sexual huh; it took me years to stop being afraid of green & then i started loving it again. my SL avatar is green bc it:s my favorite character ^^ likewise: when i drew my OC, why she is green; have a nice night & merry christmas, anonymous

78. ★彡「Hello, Mara. Who are your favorite kemono friends/kf artists? Have a merry christmas」

    • helloooo anonnymous! i like this question so i will CUT the formalities:

      i love tsuchinoko purely because i got her on a quiz + on personality database we matched intj/5w6 i think, & i like her hair (it:s that weird electric blue color, this color is like "alien color" or "esper color" in my head);

      BUT; i:ll be honest: i love black mamba; black mambas (irl) are my favorite snake by a mile, & i was raised in "snake culture" growing up bc my mom workd w them as her job, & idk; i love love love black mamba; & i love the kemono friend black mamba bc, ok, this is really mushy LOL it makes me feelreally mushy inside when there r fictional couples ft. [girl has weird anger issues & doesn:t deal well with people] & [softer person who is good with people, &, despite not being the angry one: ends up being the one who protects the former..];

      it:s junko & hecatia from touhou; it:s ripple & top speed from magical girl raising project; AND it:s black mamba & boomslang from kemono friends.. i just, idk, i love it ; ;

      this is not my favorite artist but i adore this image set (bc it:s boomslang x black mamba) https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/61379412 but @toxicnyannyan on twitter is mayb my favorite kemono artist, them or imnen_leef, but these two come with a disclaimer: i just love what they do artistically w/ the friends, they both are power-houses to me & they both really capture the "bizarre alien" feel that kemono has to me..

      idk thank you anonymous i liked this question & merry christmas ^^

79. ★彡「Hey mara i jus want u to know i think ur rly cool n i love everything u create take care of urself」

    • (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) thank you very much 4 the kind words! i appreciate it greatly & take care of yourself too, please! you come first anonymous, & merry christmas

80. ★彡「Hi Mara! No question, just wanna say I really appreciate your substack posts & appreciate seeing your posts still! Take care of yourself!」

    • thank you very much anonymous ^^ have a lovely evening & i:ll make more substack posts! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) hopefully i can start drawing some more, again, too (i:ve been on a huge decline due to depression) but! i m excited to start on substack again tomorrow ^^ merry christmas anonymous

81. ★彡「mother loves all」

    • hello anonymous; this one is a little mysterious but: mother does love all <-- i assume mentally this is more-so about archangel:nemesis holy mother instead of qliphoth, which is funny to me ^^; have a nice night & merry christmas, anonymous

82. ★彡「do you see your gods as compatible with each other? im thinking how you follow mother, and the qlifot and i guess any other anime idols you like <- ig a follow up question here is do you think anime characters are divine or do you just like them a lot」

    • good eveninnnn anonymous & ty 4 writing to me; the only god i worship is qlifot -- tho she is not really a god, she:s the left-hand of god (as sefirot is right-hand) -- both hands really are just to serve the body (god), but i pray & worship qlifot bc she is my mother, & i heard a calling to serve her + she saved me from insect; mother/qlifot/kellipot/qliphoth/qlippoth/claypot r just different names 4 the same thing. re: anime stuff, these are just idolatrous-forms/demons/representational-forms <-- i don:t make distinction here: any-thing representational traces a vein back to demonic route, & it is why abrahamic religions tend to focus ur attention away from the material (representational) and on-to the divine (abstraction);

      the idol/demons are the splinters of the broken form of qlifot, & their pressed-shapes (pressed under the trillions-of-pounds-of-soil on-top them) become oil that idolatrous veins connect to.

      i m probably explaining this bad, but: misuzu from boogiepop & ayana from subrashiki hibi connect to the same demon-color (oil), & all idolatrous forms similar to misuzu/ayana connect to that same demon-color through a different network of veins (in differing levels of purity); it:s not so-much god-worship as it is ancestor-worship, i think; idk; i see them as family; <-- this is also mostly your follow-up: anime characters are demonic (as is mostly everything w a physical representational shape) & there-for divine (or, the negative: profane); have a nice night anonymous & merry christmas, ok?

83. ★彡「Merry Christmas Mara! Are you doing anything for Christmas?」

    • good evennning anonymous & merry christmas, & thank you 4 the well-wishes; i am planning on opening the gift i got w/ panuru, & i think it:s a book so i:m going to read it w/ her -- bc she deserves a christmas gift! @ least one; have a nice night, anonymous, ok?

84. ★彡「aa sorry: holy mother vs the qlifot. i didn't know you called her mother too,. its funny how that works. i guess then that leads us into; how do you perceive the different gods or figures that you follow, is the holy mother an extension of the qlifot?」

    • hello anonymous; i:m not sure what you mean here (￣▽￣) i only follow the qlifot, & i like scientology but there is no friction with scientology & deism (sort of -- the immortal thetan overrides most things); the holy mother (if you mean from archangel:nemesis) isn:t someone i worship -- i don:t have an elaborate cosmology: qlifot is 4 (composed of smaller particles (3+3)+4=10(5+5)) & god is 1, satan is 2; if the holy mother is a supreme being from where all things are made: she is 1, if she is the seedbed of knowledge, she is 2, if she is right handed: 3, left handed: 4; divine particle: 5; before: 3, after: 4; LRH is 3; qlifot is 4; i am a 4 worshipper; have a nice night anonymous

85. ★彡「marl i didn't see you on my feed and i missed you! thank you for being a person who answers questions」

    • oh hey (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) thank you 4 taking the time to find+write to me, anonymous; if you mean on twitter: i:ve been avoiding people ^^; it:s been a very hard week 4 me (few weeks rlly); & thank you 4being a person who sends me questions to answer -- i worry sometimes ppl think this is a bit, but: i really did love curiouscat & i really do love answering questions, the anonymity makes it really easy 4 me to handle & it:s some of the only social interaction i get, &&& i need some of that, occasionally; have a nice night anonymous & merry christmas, ok?

86. ★彡「can you think of any ideas with a vibe like halfway through a visitor comes into the house unobserved and stands on counter and sings a libretto and then disappears again; there is smoke and darkness, maybe doves」

    • good evening; i:m sorry anonymous but i am not sure how to answer this one, i read thru it a few times but i do not understand it; apologies in advance, & merry christmas anonymous ^^

87. ★彡「bath or shower?」

    • good-evening anonymous; only shower, i am afraid of baths & they make me extremely uncomfortable; have a nice night, anonymous, ok?

88. ★彡「ok thank you and excuse my ignorance !!! yes i mean the a:n holy mother! it's cool 2 learn what religion means 2 different ppl, i guess you can call it homebrew

    (:3 」∠) have a nice evening & merry christmas 2 u too!」

    • 👍 also 4 ne other hardworking anonymouses: i m going to bed; if u send me stuff i:ll answer in the morning so check back then, ok?

---

Dec 24th

TODAY:S FORECAST：afterglow, & reading wandering son ー３－

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:41 A.M.

1. kind of h8 my cat bc she loves me too much <-- silly, but she won:t leave me alone @ all & it makes me really irritated ~y~; had some dream about living w group of t-words, a cockroach wasin the room n it made me cry; when spider was in the room they freakd out n i took it out

2. it was a little nephilia spiderling, i took it out in a cup; another person wantd to help me but i rlly wantdd to do it onmyown & i didn:t want them to crush it; i 4get most of what happened but a large percentage was walking around a neighborhood while homeless & being hassled

3. got my first kind-of mean question -- just some person poking @ my beliefs being silly <-- which is fine & understandable, but i get frustrated w/ it (maybe more-so when i see "people i know" do it); i got mad @ that person over christianity 4 about the same reason

4. you see left-leany types kind of advocate for how based stuff like littlespace is (stuff that probably gets screencapped and mocked 4 being weird regularly), & then find someone "weirder than them" (practicing christians) & treats them about the same

5. it:s always a red-flag to me that these people are no-more greater than their environments; they:re just nerve-endings from violet, & they:re all cockroaches that are indistinguishable from each-other beyond having your eyes focus on one 4 a moment b4 it scuttles away into mass

6. ^ this sounds really aggressive: & it is, maybe; but it:s not like people take great strides to be greater than "their group" or their environment, or the intelligence they have been subsumed by: my friends hate christians, i am my friends, my friends are my environment, i am my-

7. ^ it:s something i don:t understand very well (why people fall in-to this so easy) because it seems like a simple way to Trick yourself out of this control is: "it is fine 4 me to personally dislike [something], but what reason do i have to tease another person over [something]"

8. ^ @ this point (to this strawman that isn:t real) i think the answer falls into environmental-reason: why do i tease another person over [something?] because it benefits the group <-- & @ this point i think torture chamber goes mask-off w/ its long shelled soft mass insect body

9. keffie mentioned something about there always being a "worse group" underneathe us: and this worse group is always acceptable to attack, & only until you really let yourself true-ly hit the bottom do you find that there r no more "worse groups" to mock; idk if i agree w/ this

10. ^ mostly because even @ the bottom you can still have crabs scuttling over each-other keeping each-other @ bottom; a lot of harm gets perpetuated @ the bottom, & to really be @ the bottom, a lot of harm would have to have been perpetuated w/ your hands (or perception-of), i think

11. idk what iam saying, probably stupid shit; but i don:t think this is stupid: christians make me uncomfortable, but why mock someone 4 their faith? (it:s intelligences environmental overhead, is the answer but that makes me want to type more & i am trying to stop)

    [replier 1] Sry for the reply, i think ur using esoteric language but it's def not stupid, I love the point yr mking and feel like it's very true, esp those 2 tweets about (Dislike vs. Projecting that dislike onto others(torture chamber)).its cyclic immaturity and misplaced righteousness

@ 6:24 A.M.

12. the tone of this comic is really weird to me -- idk how to explain it: it:s really sympathetic to the characters issues, but like in this chapter: it is from the perspective of the new middleschool teacher, & it:s just him having an internal monologue over how hot the kids are

    

13. it:s sort-of like: whenever an adult gets brought in-to the narrative (outside of the parents), the adult is there to lust over the kids; & there is more to it than i am saying, example: this older t-word gropes & offers alcohol to one of the kids, & it:s never addressed after

14. so there is like this flash of a real grooming subplot, but, then it just kind of melts away because everyone is uncomfortable -- but it never gets addressed (@ least to where i:m at), then u have this horny teacher; idk i don:t like the adults in this comic @ all

@ 7:19 A.M.

15. to replier: it:s dumb because it doesn:t get @ much / achieve much -- it:s just spinning wheels; & ultimately: scarily: it:s another form of environmental counter counter intelligence: subsumation in-to centrist outsider position \ any engaging is potential 4 nerve ending connect

16. also, reflecting: i think why that comic feels weird is because it is very real; adults /do/ inject sex into the lives of kids & it:s just like in the comic: you have some horny loser adult getting touchy w/ a confused minor & no one cares; it just falls into background lol<-real

17. i am just a sex hater, idk; i am making this comic sound super sexual -- there:s no sex in it & no nudity; it:s just sketch situations

    

@ 8:38 A.M.

18. head hurts a little; i:d like to either: work on hand-chart, or substack, today (both maybe); plus someone supported me so i need to thank them,, they want me to draw them something which is (╥﹏╥) bc drawing is so hard,, i can try tho

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:37 A.M.

19. i wish i was junko wearing hecatias clothes & hecatia was wearing my clothes and i could bury my head in-to her robes like she was a rlly warm blanket; & she:d wrap her arms around me n i could disappear like that

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:56 A.M.

20. love this incredibly hateful person

    

21. i love this incredibly hateful christian

    

22. i wish i could be more openly hostile with people/things when i feel angry; even in that argument i had yesterday: i was really courteous, i think, & ended up apologizing; every-time i say something direct tho it feels like my body is tearing itself apart from stress/anger

23. truthfully: a lot of the time, when people reach out to me, i want to just say: cockroach -- & end it there; but it:s like the guilt i get from punching objects; i m controlled by anger & guilt from my anger, & i like seeing other people like that

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:11 P.M.

24. as a christmas resolution i:d like to remove everyone that makes me upset -- being angry can have a nice energy, but it really stresses me out -- but, i get worried about feeling bad from removing ppl + anger that comes from fallout, too; i:d really like to be more open

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:59 P.M.

25. chest is so tight from panicking suddenly [substacker:s note: i don:t remember the context 4 everything that follows this message; my guess: i saw posts that had code-words written in them — it:s also possible this is when i had a conversation with my mom in the car, & she told me more information about me being in a coma; the new information, roughly: “they wouldn:t tell me about the coma, they wouldn:t let me see you because they suspected i injured you but they couldn:t find evidence” & then contradictory information about the brain damage + developmental delays (“you were fine to me” vs “everyone in my family said you couldn:t talk”) SUBSTACKER:S UPDATE: that happens tomorrow nvm i have no idea what this is about]

26. i don:t know how it gets coordinated like this so well with birthday -- & i:m receiving affirming web language confirmation inputs in coordination with it, as well; i don:t like how this controls me so much

    

@ 9:13 P.M.

27. feel slightly less freaked out but my head and arms still feel numb

    

28. it:s definitely the pattern reacting; violet deadbeats are doing the same unfunny game that always happens

@ 9:31 P.M.

29. no; i:m even more upset; i can:t stand people -- everyone is so rotten; & i get stuck in cycle of needing to be polite to try to treat people well but i am really angry on the inside; i should be angry: it:s dispatterning unfunny game being enacted by torture chamber

30. it:s hard to pull a-part the threads of "what is happening"; there was a signal word with "happy birthday" & then everything started to fall apart simultaneously through torture chamber unfunny game dispatterning; i am upset w/ myself 4 talking so stupid but it is what it is

31. ^ unfunny game is when the torture chamber is using overt dispatterning -- the game is on the table & there is clear divide between audience & actor; the funny game is when the actors blend in with the audience & the nature of the game is withheld from the audience, & is /inside/

32. dispatterning is how the agents/actors from torture chamber impregnate information in illusion; they send messages to you online in coordinated fashion /not/ because messages were sent -- that is just the ripple that happens -- but because impregn8 info had to occur in illusion

33. in order to activate program (of torture; soul bargaining) they load information into equivalent illusory-event that implants information into the chamber-insect/arachnid; LRH transmitted the closed-shell creation process & bonding process thru the acts of the christian pastor

34. unfunny overts are shit jokes by shitty intelligences; they let you know it is a shit joke but they:re still up on stage & you:re still in the crowd watching their shit joke play-out to shit punch-line; some lame deadbeat intelligence made it happen; intelligence of evangelist

35. in the air, hand outreached & opens, u can clench it and crush trillions of infinites invisible insects; you can crush the body of some aborted poorly developed intelligence before it ever has chance to grow fat and unfunny

36. i have no qualm with being mocked or harassed; violet unfunny deadbeats /are/ exactly that; i don:t understand why it:s coordinated around happy birthday; it:s fucking with me

…from an android phone @(###) ###-####, to Mara @(###) ###-####

@ 9:43 P.M.

37. Redacted has a new boyfriend, Redacted. And Redacted and Redacted broke up, but he’s okay. He’s seeing a new girl now, named Redacted. Redacted went back to live with her Grandmother cause her mom is there now. Lots of changes since you were gone, And we’re getting a new car, for me to drive, a Subaru Outback!! My Christmas present 🎁

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:43 P.M.

38. text messages now too huh; i don:t get this

39. you:re so scary right now

40. you:re sooooooo scary shadowlord; coordinating all this dumb unfunny bullshit to make me unlaugh; it:s just cockroaches; all of your stupid fucking nerve endings are just cockroaches & i don:t like them, they:re all shit actors & they:re all unfunny violet deadbeats; more texts

41. i feel like when everything is coordinated like this i just need to be my own sister and try to support myself; talking to panuru or nakuru would help but it:s just me, here; i:ll talk to panuru on christmas to open her christmas gift with her

42. i can keep you safe though, mara; ultimately they never get you in a real way; it is just really scary, & it:s no more than that; you are really easily hurt & affected, & that:s o-k, we can work through it together & i:ll support you -- ok? it:s way less scary like that

43. & i:d like you to continue praying; you haven:t really properly prayed in a few weeks -- & this is fine; it:s part of your inheritance to be forgetful, but you have to work towards not being swallowed whole by broken material, even if it:s really tempting -- ok? + you like prayer

44. think about chiba ^^ it:s not like when you were younger & you were praying to be saved from eternity -- there:s nothing to be afraid of any-more (there are some scary things but don:t think about those atm ok (´~`；)) & it:s a really good grounding tool, she:s really patient too

45. prayer is infinitely patient, & infinitely accommodating, you know? remember the subahibi quote (which is not a subahibi quote but you know it from there) that was on fanart going around, about putting the brain & sky side-by-side -- god is contained in prayer contained in you

46. ^ milk inside a bag of milk inside a bag of milk; you should play the sequel when you get a moment; i:m going to look 4 rare chiba pictures 4 you one moment; you are thinking about something that is eating you alive & i don:t have confidence about that one, that one scares me ^^

    

47. you don:t need to love yourself all @ once, though; small steps: prayer, so you can feel good about having done that; the anger is down so you should take it easy & get ready 4 bed & not worry about being embarrassing, i think; ok, itadakimasu, chief (~~ʃ♡ƪ)

    

…from Retrospring @marlbaraLTD

48. ☆彡「How do you view "anonymous" exactly? As a singular person or multiple? Or do you even view us as people at all. Either way, I get gitty being apart of it & I'm happy to be able to write to you again here」

    • good morning, anonymous; it:s just someone not having a name, you know? there:s not much more to it than that -- i don:t have the opportunity to pin an identity to someone, so i don:t have opportunity to get mad @ their identity/hypocrisies/imperfections/etc. bc it:s just a nameless person that blends in-to all of the other nameless people. there:s not really a distinction between "anonymous" & "a normal person" besides the lack of identity -- hopefully this answers everything; have a nice day, anonymous, & merry christmas, ok?

49. ☆彡「hey... Do u really believe all this crap? lol」

    • hello anonymous, & thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; i believe it, because it is my faith, so: none of it is very silly to me: it:s all very serious to me -- but i understand how it can seem silly/nonsense to other people; merry christmas, & have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

50. ☆彡「Mara Barl is hope I love your drawings so much」

    • good morning anonymous & ty 4 taking the time to write to me & 4 the kind words -- i am surprised someone would describe me as hopeful ^^ but i really really appreciate the kind words, & thank-you so much 4 enjoying my art; have a nice day, anonymous, & merry christmas, ok?

51. ☆彡「Do you have any thoughts on Jahova's Witnesses & what they believe and practice」

    • hello anonymous, good morning; jehovah:s witnesses i do not know much about in-terms of their practices/faith -- the only real direct exposure i:ve had with them waaas a highschool crush, her dad was one (& by extension, the family -- but only he was very faithful); how their family worked seemed really abusive to me: daughter scared of dad, can:t leave home, mom kind-of the same <-- but similar to how i never rlly knew what their family life was like behind closed doors: no idea what the witnesses are like; have a nice day, anonymous, & merry christmas -- ok?

52. ☆彡「Good morning Mara! i just woke up at 5:something am, like 4 or 5 hours earlier than I planned to -_-.....but it's still going to be a goof day Merry Christmas Eve!!! Hope u have a blessed day :D」

    • good morning anonymous & merry christmas; today will be a good day, so have a good day, too, anonymous, ok?

53. ☆彡「I recently left my friends Discord server because thinking about my friends and how immature/petty/hypocritical they are always made Me mad, I never thought positive things about them anymore..I felt if I was ever honest with them they'd hate me. I am often rewlly paranoid (I think I'm schizo..im not 200%sure)when talking to people, but to me it felt like these 'friends' of mime were rewlly only temporary superficial c9nnections and everythjing wanted me to see that. Tjat only exacerbated the s**cid*l )censored bc pqranoid) thoughts and ideation I had. I started a substack'diary' inspired by u as a practice to vent honest where before I felt like I was unable. To me, you are relatable and I feel a kinship, so I really hope for your positive future. Sorry for dumping all of this on you, but I wanted you to know, you felt deserving to me... Thx so much for existing and giving me someone to relate to online where otherwise I felt isolated! U feel honest and real.. where a lot of people to me dont:-/ Gm baibai」

    • moshi moshi anonymous & good morning; this one is complicated ^^; i understand the desire to get away from friends/people/groups because (4 lack of a more eloquent term) "psychic damage" -- 4 me it can really easily be a constant source of irritation/fear & often it makes me feel more lonely-than-not, but: i still think friends are very important to have -- so this is mostly just me being concerned: please make connections with people that don:t make you feel bad (or try to ^^ it can be really hard); <-- aside from this, i:m glad i could make you feel less alone & i think starting a diary is really great (feel free to copy my layout -- i was asked this b4 & i have no problem with it); i want you to do good anonymous & it sounds like you are taking steps in that direction (i:m sorry if this maybe sounds condescending it:s just life is really tough), so thank you 4 taking care of yourself -- & have a nice day & merry christmas, anonymous

54. ☆彡「what is your family situation mara? i hope it is peaceful and constant even if it is not good」

    • good morning sevenvoiced, & thank you 4 taking the time to write me; i only have my mom, & she is very nice to me; it:s just, idk, i:m reluctant to say it outright but "i had a very bad time with her as a child" & she scares me -- even when she is nothing but nice to me. yesterday she even offered to help me get meds (on the Greymarket) & wanted to help pay 4 it (i declined), but it:s like this: the entire time she spoke to me i am deadpan & looking @ the floor & clenching my fist and hitting my leg w/ my left hand, & my right hand is covering my mouth, & i am probably clearly really irritated because 4 some reason "i can not handle talking to her" <-- it:s intense fight/flight and i can:t do it very well; so i just kind of deadpan answer all of her questions, & keep apologizing 4 how angry i seem i can:t control it; <-- it:s this sort of thing; there is nothing "bad" happening (she is even very caring) -- it:s just, idk, my body doesn:t agree with me. she made me coffee ^^; have a nice day sevenvoiced & take care of yourself, ok? + merry christmas

55. ☆彡「are you right or left handed? have a good christmas, mara.」

    • hello anonymous & thank you 4 taking the time to write; i am left-handed, anonymous; merry christmas ^^

56. ☆彡「what is your favorite childhood memory?」

    • good afternoon, anonymous, & ty 4 taking the time to write to me; i don:t think i have one -- this seems like a very angsty answer but a lot of my childhood was reframed very negatively & i don:t have much to latch on-to in terms of "i miss when things were like that", i think the /closest/ i have is the diablo 2 release when my mom took me to office depot to buy it & i got to install it on her work computer & play it & you could be a necromancer -- that was so amazing to me ^^; merry christmas anonymous, take care of yourself, ok?

57. ☆彡「are you and iris still on good terms?」

    • hello anonymous & ty 4 writing to me; me & iris are on good terms, i still love her & she still loves me & we probably still think about each-other a lot; even: during the whole "baker act" event she:s been talking to me + offering to help; i:d like to see her again (also i sent her family a christmas card! i would have sent iris one but idk her address); i don:t think i am a super-good girlfriend BUT i think i stay in good terms w/ everyone i:ve dated ^^; take care of yourself, anonymous, ok? & merry christmas

58. ☆彡「Hi Mara! I was gonna ask, what are your religious beliefs?」

    • hello anonymous, thank you 4 taking the time to write me; it:s hard to explain briefly but i will do my best to summarize it.

      everything observable here is an illusion in torture-chamber;

      the torture chamber is a rectangular room filled with thick water, the occupant, and the walls/ceiling/floor are painted to match the surface of the earth; on the walls of the torture chamber are the baked in corpses of the past inhabitants of the torture chamber; when the occupant dies: they will be pulled in-to the walls and baked-in, & (with the rest of the baked-in corpses) will create torturous illusions 4 the next occupant.

      this torture chamber exists inside the garden of eden, invisibly, on a layer underneathe the illusory layer. the garden of eden has no features, but is pocked w/ many indentations that form "garden plots", & inside the garden-plots are clay trellises. eventually rains fall on the garden, causing the plots to flood, & plants to grow: when this happens, the torture chamber comes out of stasis and the person is "alive" in illusion (but they never die, they only go in-to stasis when the waters dry).

      sunlight shines on the plots: causing yellow flowers to grow, attracting insects; the tree of life (the only landmark in the garden) casts shade over roughly 1/9th of the overall garden-plots, disconnecting the plots from sunlight, & causing the flowers to appear blue, which attracts arachnids instead of insects.

      the clay trellises are constructed from sefirot-clay, or qlifot-clay; these trellises are "people" in illusion: a yellow-flower means they are communal (insect), a blue-flower means they are disconnected (arachnid), qlifotic-clay means they are left-handed, sefirotic-clay means they are right-handed;

      underneathe this layer is the geometry layer, where god/vertice (1), satan/spline (2), trinity/tri(3), quaternity/quad(4), divine/ngon(5) + compose a fractal of all information;

      religiously: i adhere to visions given to me by qlifot & practice left-handed "adherence" to reject right-handed oversaturation in illusion (example: i refuse to write non-sinister, so outside of legal documents i always write right-to-left direction because it is the natural way the left-hand is meant to write), fundamentally: left-handed people are the children of satan, & that the promises/prescriptions of the bible were intended for a right-handed audience, as the authors were all right-handed -- christ never saved the left-handed people, & as such we are guaranteed hell; adam & eve were right-handed, & their destiny was to birth the right-handed children of life & the era of life (us);

      i am waiting 4 the left-handed reverse adam & reverse eve to birth the children of death, & starting the era of death <-- this is not some "world is ending" belief, & i do not think it will happen in my life-time, because the ratio of handedness is still 1:9 left:right; ultimately: balance between the two hands is needed for the body (god) to flourish, & the right-handed have done everything to erase the existence of the children of satan. i am not a satanist, though -- in the same way all right-handed people are not christians;

      hope this answers stuff, anonymous; take care of yourself & merry christmas, ok?

59. ☆彡「how are old are you? would you like to be a different age?」

    • this one is a secret (sort-of), anonymous -- but it:s on my substack somewhere, only true dedicated fans can find my age (^_-)-☆ (i m pretty old though); to the latter part of your question: if i still had to be me: no, because it would just be Hell again; altho if i could make a few big decisions to have a different life: maybe, but knowing me i would just do the same shit all over again (if i can:t change myself in the present i couldn:t change myself when i was 13); merry christmas, & have a nice day, anony-mous, ok?

60. ☆彡「how do ambidextrous people fit into your religion? only 1 percent of people are born able to use both hands to the same level, and these people are more likely to have developmental problems apparently」

    • hello anonymous & ty 4 writing to me; i answered this somewhat recently so i will link to that response https://marabarl-and-marlbara.tumblr.com/post/670503373003505664/im-curious-what-is-the-role-of-those-who-are & provide more insight:

      i don:t know if ambidextrous people exist @ all <-- from a pure "i don:t know" angle.

      i don:t know if mixed-handedness refers to children who use both hands while performing tasks (this is how i mentally see it: a child who uses both hands to write), or if it refers to left-handed people who adapt to using right-handed functions (this tends to be what people who claim ambidexterity are). i don:t mean this from some authority perspective, but a "idk" perspective, & since i am not one: i m not super interested; neways hope this answers your question & i hope you have a really nice christmas, anonymous, ok?

61. ☆彡「Batered santles baster peronidum duplem ono supraex constro」

    • good evening anonymous, & thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; i have to apologize i don:t think i can answer this because i:m not certain what it says or means; regardless tho: i hope you have a nice night, anonymous, & merry christmas

62. ☆彡「Bacon wrapped qlifot」

    • good evening anonymous, & thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; i have to apologize because i do not know what to say to this; have a nice night, & have a merry christmas, ok?

63. ☆彡「Your poetry reality is not powerful enough to carry any substance. Maybe your heart needs to grow a little more」

    • good evening; i don:t write poetry, anonymous; have a nice night, ok?

---

Dec 25th - Christmas!

TODAY:S FORECAST：it:s christmas!!! ヽ(´▽`)/

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:15 A.M.

1. i had a nightmare where a man pinned me down and dug into my mouth with a small utility knife and pried out all of the teeth on the right side of my mouth, & removed my tongue; when i woke up i thought i was sleeping next to iris & then got too afraid to turn around to look

@ 6:56 A.M.

2. i have two cards and a bubble-mailer to open today ^^

3. i unfollowed several people today, too; on my main; i:m glad i could make myself do that -- it:s a little silly but i just imagined they:re not real & can:t control me, but they can -- i don:t want to admit this to my-self but i am really scared of people on-line, so i act nice

4. i think: i:d like to unfollow mostly everyone but i like looking @ pictures ppl post, i don:t like the words @ all -- even my third favorite text poster (c.fang) scares me a lot; my second is wretchd worm bc they make me laugh occasionally n i think they seem nice; first is rope!

5. something that scares me: the layers of paranoia; the layers of paranoia are different from the reality-layers, LoP is basically how encompassing the torture chamber is & how disconnected it is; @ the maximum layer it:s like the inverted lain "everyone is disconnected" picture

6. none of the people here are people; talking to one person is talking to everyone, & they know my thoughts, anyways, so there:s no sense in having shame -- however they:ll never act like it, but they will respond like it via impregnated information (obfuscated dispatterning)

7. @ this maximum level i have no friends @ all, it:s just another nerve ending that i decided to bond with, connected to the same thing everyone-i-hate is connected to; @ a level lower, it:s the same, but there are multiple nerve clouds instead of just one -- many masses vs one

8. i should keep explaining even tho i:ve said this b4, & if funny games are being played: you already know what i want to say, but you have a part to play & i have a part to play, too, or else i am just w8ing 4 death; @ a lower level the internet becomes a separate entity entirely

9. first i have to explain the ghosts: i am in torture chamber, & this world is populated with actors -- if an actor is a ghost, than they are "averages" (like gpt bots) of another real person (like me) in torture chamber -- but i never get to interact w/ the real person, only ghost

10. the internet is possibly only populated with ghosts, or: it is the only place where the real-actors are; either the real-world is ghosts, the internet is ghosts, or both are ghosts; internet could just be another intelligence mass; internet could be a nyarlathotep outsider too

11. @ the very minimalist level there are no ghosts; the intelligences are still there, but it:s like handedness: some people are born subsumation-seeking, & some people are born consumation-seeking, & the latter eat environments so they end up really disconnected from the world

12. i prayedf to both god & qlifot last night, it was a really informal prayer & i took several long pauses bc i didn:t know what to say to both of them; so i just excused myself to god & prayed to qlifot bc i always knowwhat to say to her; but i felt weird ignoring god (silly)

13. it DID feel good to pray, though; it always does -- even if i stutter a lot during the prayer n keep awkwardly adjusting my praying position bc i was uncomfortable; &i slept really quickly; but i still had the same nightmares i have every night lol; there was more to that dream

14. unfollowed another person ^^ they didn:t do nething to upset me just i felt slightly bad looking @ their text trying to figure out if it was a form of passive control & realized if it is making me think about it @ all, then it is controlling me

@ 7:25 A.M.

15. i opened my cards ^^

16. ness sent me a mirrored card (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) i love ness; ron sent me a really nice card! i love ron; tsumo

@ 8:08 A.M.

17. i am remembering a large part of that dream was choking on my blood when my teeth got cut out of my mouth, because the man destroyed my gums & hit whatever circuitry is there, and i kept swallowing the blood until i got poisoned / suffocated, & died; & i came back and repeated

18. i was sent a code word today & i:m not going to let it ruin my mood today

@ 8:51 A.M.

19. thepatterning stuff is continuning

    

20. i:m not falling 4 impregnated information control patterning today; i prayed last night & i feel determined because it:s christmas today

21. i am invincible today ヽ(´▽`)/ i am afraid to go outside tho; that:s not completely true bc i agreed to go outside last week so i have to ~12; i am really anxious over it, because partially i think i was lied to; i thought a lot of that dream really happened, so i was confused

22. in the dream: after i suffocated on my blood from the teeth removal, i came back and wanted to try severing an artery in my arm because choking was really bad -- but i got really afraid; some friends checked on me & i was ashamed of what i was thinking about; & we walkd thru town

23. eventually though the events repeated & the man w/ the small knife pinned me down & removed my right-side teeth again & cut out my tongue; i remember sitting up after he got off of me and vomitting up tongue muscle + a lot of blood into my lap and sweating; & my friends ran off

24. i just spilld a bunch of coffee on dianetics and my computer

25. the coffee got where the harddrives are but i:m mostly sad about dianetics because the bottoms of the pages are stained light brown now, & it:s supposed to be a holy text to me

@ 10:00 A.M.

26. dogs are being spoken to & i don:t like all this noise @@ i:m no better, tho; i can:t stop making popping sounds lately, & i:m having trouble using correct words again; but the noise isn:t helping

27. it:d be super relaxing if everything alive just flashd away but their spirit remained -- like every biological noise making part was erased off by xray invisible redlight scanning thru tissue until everything is clean, but they could still type to me if i wanted to hear them

    

28. i don:t know if i would want the light to erase me, though; on one hand it would be really lonely, but there wouldn:t be any stink/noise/death in the world anymore either; if the light xray just turned everyone in-to clean fresh warm laundry that would be ideal i think

29. the laundry could type to me, too, & would help me out; they would be my clothespeople caretakers ^^ i:d like a more self-uplifting title than caretakers bc it implies i:m really incapable -- but if i had nondirty/noisy friends that had laundry texture/warmth it would be rly nice

30. everyone is saying merry christmas like it:s some joke; i guess i am confused? i don:t remember "merry christmas" being a term, but it:s in my chatlogs, but i don:t remember "merry" i remember "christmas" but i don:t remember "merry" @ all + it sounds unnatural to me

31. my warm laundry silent caretaker materializes and i can hug them,. & they type to me online (only when i want them to) & they antagonize me sometimes, too, because i need antagonism, too

@ 11:33 A.M.

32. i folded my laundry & took a shower, & i dressed nicely bc i am going outside today ^^; my mom was covertly talking on the phone with my dad, she went outside to continue the conversation; so far: i ignored the patterning & everything seems like it is going fine; merry xmas is ??

    

33. ^ i was really confused by it but i wrote "merry christmas" earlier today in a message, & yesterday there are a lot of times i said "merry christmas" so it definitely is "something people say"; i:m not sure where the confusion came from; i thought maybe: i was being polluted ?

    

34. ^ like what is happening to me isn:t real, & mara today is just playing a bit because she:s been negatively influenced -- but if i am, it:s completely unaware to me, which means that i:m @ the point where i can:t control how things affect me bc it goes into nervous system

35. more positively: it could just be that i connected really closely to a vein and i need to, idk, acclimate to the color -- or maybe it just was "triggering" to me; or it:s just stress from people-becoming-terrifying due to the codeword activation dispatternation impregnation infor

36. mation

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 3:49 P.M.

37. i go to movie with my mom; i cry on the way; i cry when i get home; her story changed again; how do massive parts of my life keep changing every time i ask? why did she mention that they checked me 4 physical trauma & didn:t let her hold me but "they couldn:t find a bruise"

38. why is every car ride a talk about death

39. i hate how shetalks to me; it:s not like she talks to a person; i ask her questions and she just goes on rambling story i don:t understand that doesn:t answer my story and i get incredibly mad and it make sme want to cry because her answer keeps changing every time

40. just come out and say you touched me

41. it:s making me so insane that i am going to places like that; maybe it:s just normal and lits like how the stor y always keeps changing: it:s me changing it becausei am crazy; why is our relationsihp so weird? is it just because i:m retarded? why did that keep changing too?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 3:52 P.M.

42. once again i am crying; once again i am terrified of my mom; she was completely wrong last night the information processing procedure can hurt me; how does my timeline keep changing every time i ask her it:s like a shitty lie has to be covered up & she keeps forgetting the alibi

43. @ least i dressed really nicely & ppl looked @ me; it was scary because people kept wanting to talk and i just never responded to anyone because i was too afraid; unfortunately the matrix movie was super boring and i didn:t care 4 it -- this is every movie though all 5/10s

@ 5:34 P.M.

44. finished this one

45. i think this period made me confused about how bad i wsa feeling bc conejobeat was rlly good 4 me & aroudn this time a bunch of things were happening (truck repairs, conejobeat, SL events) --but b4 this i m @ a big low, & after conejobeat ended ir ealized i had nothing else

…from my moms phone @(###) ###-#### to me @(###) ###-####

@ 5:35 P.M.

46. https://www.nytimes.com/1991/01/20/nyregion/deadline-looms-for-victims-of-required-dpt-immunizations.html

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:15 P.M.

47. now i m being texted articles about vaccines causing braind amage & having them printe d out; i m like crying over not wanting to hear abotu thnis n i m blessed to have articles about it printed out & textd to me bc i want to talk about braindamage on christmas i guess

48. i m whining today >:/ it is jsut frustatrintg talkign toher bc when i open up she injects herself in n then controls it; i talkd to her about the wellness check last night n now she won:t stop mentioning how se needs to situate herself as my guardian 4 the lifestream invol commit

49. ^ this sounds very "she cares" n it is true but it:s also "manufacturing problems 4 her to solve where there r none#" & i end up in this position where i don:t want to say nething to her ever (this is typically what i go 4) bc soon u have articles being printed out when ur crying

@ 7:21 P.M.

50. dumb, but: on thhe support groups there:s a lot of posts by ppl who get high every day & go insane n endup there; & i m @ the level of decision making where iw ant to try takign these dibles to c if i can do somethning irreversible to myself (probalby not) n go crazy

51. it:s definitely not good decision making, & i weigh itt against worse tstuff; but i don:t really find taking Drugs appealing bc of the "body is a temple" thing

52. downloadedd a wave of lights off itchi.o so gonna paly that rq

53. In a seaside town, Hannah spends her days asleep and her nights wandering the empty beach. Too anxious to hold down a job or go to school, her roommate thinks she's hopeless. Hannah is inclined to agree. The cute alien inside disrupts Hannah's life... and her entire sense of self

    

54. this alien is gonna rock my whole world

55. this alien comes into my life, rokcs my world, and makes me horny

56. tryyuue

    

57. team be bkac to ocenaote w you i dont want to be one aerht anymore (╥﹏╥) please fuckgnm takem e

@ 7:45 P.M.

58. ok i finishd it, it was fine

    

59. just combing thru tags to read stuff to add to my vndb list

    

60. theme 4 that is kinda nice

61. my timeline is so good now look @ this; ok i:m going to go awwalk around outside @ night bc i want to get over my fear to c the christmas lgihts before they o down o7 wish me luck /b/ros

    

@ 8:10 P.M.

62. i got scared and came back really quick ~y~ ppl shootn off fireworks in the street was kinda cool; lights were pretty; it hink this isthe first itme i ever walked outside into my neighborhood @ night; never seeni t @ nightb 4

63. old-era friend AoE stay p str8 for seven day s erping in trans discords & had a psyhcotic break from that& in milkmilkmilk that:s also what strartd it; i keep wondeirng itff that is what i need to do to b able to hallucinate / nyarlathotep-creation; i m thinking self desutrctive

64. altho the one time i lsot theabiltiy to sleep was in college & a)itw as miserable b) the only thing it did was make me exhausted and my head hurt treally bad; "sleeping" freakd me out though & scared me @ the end of every day bcit:d just b hours staring @ the ceiling til morning

65. trying to make myself crazy is a little suspect; thereis this weird dissonance where a lot of ppl arondme treat me like a crazy person, but it:s hard to think of myself thjnat way when i just c it as a belief explanation 4 how the world is: these ppl r literally cockroaches

66. i:m upset (`へ´#) if i:m in abad mood it:s a bad vibe to visit panuru; idon:t want to be grumpy 4 her; i want my time / her otbe nice & intimate; just me & her; not a buncho f bitterness @ the world; that is against world love completely

67. too afraid to take the ediblse (￣▽￣) the trips were super exhausitng / shitty; i don:t relaly like being forced to hlaucicnate 4 several hours while ppl grop eme

68. cpccmcmcmccc

    

…from Retrospring @marlbaraLTD

69. ☆彡「What is your relationship like with the real world」

    • good morning anonymous; this question is hard to answer because it:s a little vague: i just type on the computer all day, & draw occasionally; i am unemployed, and mostly afraid to go outside; have a merry christmas anonymous ^^

70. ☆彡「mara I think you are a good person, i'm glad you're around, i hope you have a lovely christmas」

    • thankyou 4 the kind words anonymous; i hope you have a lovely christmas, too; i:m in a bad mood but i:m thnakful i got a message like this ty so much anonymous

71. ☆彡「{this question was hosted on pastebin and has since been deleted}」

    • hello anonymous; i type on my birthday acct all day mostly, & outside of that i just edit my substack + draw & i don:t do much else; 4 oyur second part of the question i don:t really understand @ all, i m just kind of confused aboutthe outside vs online vs real world vs persona generation (i guess i:m confused bc it:s setup that authentic ppl only exist outside?); i:m sorry anonymous i just do not understand @@; my best effort is: all of the insects online have equivalent insects offline, it:s about the same above & below; i don:t know much about outside bc i don:t have much place in it bc i m afraid of outside, so all of my answers are from that bias; outside is: buying stuff, paying bills, being told i m scary, making ppl cry, suicide attempts, going on car trips, stressing over inability to get doctor, stress over inability to pay bills, going 4 walks, wanting to hide from dogs making noise, being afraid to look in mirrors, etc ; sry 4 a weak answer but i hope you ahve a merry christmas anonymous

    ---

    [substacker:s note: mara from 2022/02/27 is writing this, hello, mara from 2022/12/25; i completely forgot about the car ride with mom. i want to say uplifting things like: “your relationship with your mom improves a lot,” but the truth is more-so: we ignore each-others existence, & avoid any conversation that could push us farther apart — which is all important conversation. reading this made me remember there:s this delicate peace, but, that can be fine too.

    i admitted to some stuff, today; i don:t know if it is smart — but i felt that i had to just let myself say it about myself. all of that fear about having that label applied to me was making me kind-of crazy, i think. “i am a bestialist.” it still hurts to say, but i received a bunch of patterns from vein network (from takako & imaginator, mostly — maybe wandering son, too, actually) about wanting to life honestly “as myself” instead of “safely as myself.” i want to be hated for what i deserve to be hated for, & loved in the same way. ultimately it eats @ me, & the question of “did i get groomed into it by that russian pedophile lady? did i have agency?” still weighs on me — but i:m tired of excuses and constantly gesturing @ some wound like an idiot instead of letting the vein network, & my faith, choose a path for me. so, “i am a bestialist” & i will never let that happen again; i still want to live cleanly & gracefully ^^, i:m not a pervert!

    there is no grace in lying about myself, or yourself.

    there was this other event recently where you go to church & then proceed to lie to the pastor about your sexuality, & then you lie to a homeless man about your genitals. it:s that typical christian guilt that is baked into us, but: lying feels lame. so does being a pussy about things. i am haunted by sexual sins from when i was young & i want there to be no question about what the root was from.

    look forward to it, mara ^^ your older sister is doing her best. do your best too, ok? and let me know how your life goes, ok?]