2021/12/25 cry for help arc pt2 {conejo detour}

dec10-dec13

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merry christmas, everyone [substacker:s note: 2021/12/28 i added curious cat questions]

---

Dec 10th

TODAY:S FORECAST：truck issues, walking thru town; getting angry on secondlife; trying to draw hands (^_-)-☆

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「what do you think of the police military etc? any stances on that?」

good morning anonymous; thank you 4 taking the time to write to me; i don:t have many thoughts about them -- seems like the most vocal opponents of police/military end up wanting some police/military body to fill the gap, & i can:t imagine any sort of political-will being enforced w/o some form of violence/force <-- too complicated 4 me to care about much & it:s not something i could ever impact, i think, out-side of voting in local elections 4 police reform <-- & i:m not really interested in small changes like that (not bc i don:t think small local changes can:t be very impactful, it:s just: i care more about how i can:t get my meds atm & studying scientology); so i:m not rlly interested in wholesale/retail, i guess; have a nice day, anonymous

☆彡「isn't scientology antisemetic?」

good afternoon anonymous; i do not believe they are, & googling "scientology antisemetic/antisemitism" gives me nothing except a page about how ron miscaviage (guy who came out against scientology) is an antisemite; have a nice day, anonymous

☆彡「God will kill Satan.」

thank you 4 taking the time to write to me, anonymous, & good evening; i have to apologize because i don:t know how to reply to this; have a nice night, ok?

☆彡「Shabbat Shalom to you mara i hope you had a good day, also wishing ppl were less passive aggressive to you here」

good eveninnng anonymous, ty very much 4 taking the time to write to me; i don:t know what shabbat salom means either, anonymous (╥﹏╥) & thank you 4 the kind words -- today has been up/down but mostly really nice; i didn:t do much today besides draw a bunch + walk all over town (&&&&& this was kinda fun,,); i hope you had a really nice day tomorrow, & if not: that:s ok too, but i hope tomorrow is good, too; take care of yourself, ok, anonymous?

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:15 A.M.

1. my mom has pneumonia that she believes to have gotten from employee & i am hearing again her rail against her dumb employees 4 coming in-to work despite being sick even tho my mom would pay them money to not coming in (inside my head, listening: did u even tell her to not come in

2. (ur the fuckign boss; it:s your responsibility)

3. or just assume your employees can read ur fucking mind or w/e); i just idk; on one hand she is really sick and her cough is horrifying; on the other hand this was every single car ride to/from school thru out highschool; i:d talk to her employees (my friends) n theyd have no clue

4. now she:s blaming how covid has changed th e world & made everyone not want to care or want to do work;; whole world vibe has shifted; even tho it:s the exact same issue and circumstance i:ve been hearing my entire life w/ her

5. kind of hate how i was basically a fledgling version of my mom towards iris; o well

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:23 A.M.

6. squishy artist looking 4 daddy

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:08 A.M.

7. i have a drawing basically done but i:m stuck on drawing hands :-/

8. my pepboys appt is in 35 minutse too : :

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:43 A.M.

9. 

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:14 A.M.

10. stranded downtown with no car

11. time to walk am hour back home 😤

@ 11:04 A.M.

12. only 40 minutes o7 not that bad

13. it:s 80f/28c degrees here i hate florida sm dude

14. the thrill of summer weather in december

@ 1:18 P.M.

15. i:m actually going to spend hours today drawing two hands

16. vcriyng why:s it so hard 4 me to draw square

17. why can:t id raw cylinder!! crying!!

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:53 P.M.

18. cc vibes are really weird lately; it feels like it is just really passive questions that make me feel crazy 4 thinking they r all aggressively-charged; ie: "what do you think about cult"; "about dogs"; "about cops"; "about antisemitism" -- feels like weird digs @ me

19. ^ but i keep telling myself i m crazy 4 thinking they are digs against me; likewise: i am a bad person 4 thinking they are digs against me & loading malice in-to some hard-working curious catter who just wants to know if i think dogs are evil; i think i set my-self up 4 it

20. admittedly i:m a really good target 4 stuff like this be-cause i react really strongly to things ^^ so i don:t really blame people; it:s upsetting in the moment, but i think the more affected i can get by [environment] then the more passionate i can be over-all

    

21. o hey i droppd my dtruck off @ mechanic 4 diagnostic; had to walk across town; i took some fotos but i:m scared to post them -- mostly of churches & where i used to go to school w/ the christian ppl; walking around was kinda confusing bc i can:t remember where i went, exactly

22. i feel like i:ve been in/out most of the churches -- but that doesn:t seem right @ all; i thought about asking my mom the names of all the churches i went to but afraid to ask, i think; afraid she:ll start crying or feel like i m being mean; there:s this one methodist one tho

23. it:s this big compound w/ like dorms & ~2 floors -- like it was a refurbished motel; they have like ~4 buildings linked together & a huge church; i can:t remember if i went there as a kid -- it looks really familiar but may-b just bc i drove past it all the time

24. then across the street from it a-ways is first baptist where i spennnnt pre-school & part of elementary i think; ne-ways i walkd 40 minutes back home & it:s ~77f temp. here bc in florida december=summer still, i wore a heavy jacket bc i like how it feels on my arms & got sweaty

25. there r so many churches in this town <-- not shocking since america but, still: there was one in a small rental-office-space w/ the windows tinted out, next-door to a karate dojo, advertised as "final apostles church" i think? & there:s "god cafe" downtown, by a gundam store

26. o got it wrong: "destiny prophetic church"

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 1:57 P.M.

27. 

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:22 P.M.

28. cool i got my vehicle report back; no idea if they r just fixing it w/o asking me bc i have no idea if i can pay 4 this @ all 8-)

@ 2:39 P.M.

29. ok repairs ~1089$; nevermind that is too much

30. florida........ has beat me

@ 3:54 P.M.

31. alright we walkd across town & pickd that bad boy up drove :er back smelling like burning rubber the entire time bc my engine is fuckd 8) the way a car should b; put sunblock on n didn:t wear heavy jacket bc it:s stupidly hot out & got stared @ a bunch by drivers-by

32. due to scars i think, idk; i was w8ing @ an intersection n like three cars were just staring me down as they drove by <-- likely overthinking it & this just happens to ppl bc bored driving; ne-ways idk what to do w/ life @ this point

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:13 P.M.

33. cost to repair truck ~1k$ B-)

@ 4:14 P.M.

34. i want a sugar daddy who doesn:t give me money 4 anything except a pizza every friday; bc i miss iris family pizza fridays

35. babe can i have money to fix my fucking truck … whatever,,, it:s fine...thank you 4 the pizza

36. can i be fr 4 a sec: damn i wish i was born a girl

37. i was thinkn about it last night: just how much the privates thing bothers me; i imagine it:s like 75% hormones messn w/ my head making me think that way (?) but wow it really serves no purpose except making clothes fit worse; don:t think i:d ever get surgery ne-ways

38. ^ on the contrary: if i was born a girl i wouldn:t be me; all the weird neurosis that makes mara wouldn:t even b there @ all i:d just b a normie-normie & fade away in the ocean (not like i don:t fade away in the ocean of trans-ness)

39. plus you know what? the women in my family are unfortunate looking anyways

@ 4:34 P.M.

40. actually unironically lookn like i am spending an entire day drawing 10 fingers

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:20 P.M.

41. the most ??? curious cat questions to me r the christian ones; i don:t understand them / what provokes them / what i m supposed to say

42. if i m being super charitable towards the curious-christians i would guess: about the legion v jesus stuff, but even if you take that @ face value i concede: everything left-handed is inferior to the right-hand, & all paths ultimately lead to god/heaven (including lucifer-logic)

43. ^ exception is i think left-handed people r damned to the dirt whenever the torture chamber stuff ends; i don:t have much optimism about "the after life" outside of the continuing thetan; it just reads to me as ppl kind of lording over their (self-admitted) superiority to me

44. etc etc: you are the 90% populated right handed majority race you are promised heaven etcetera you are happy-content w/ whatever insect environment you:ve let yourself be stained by & identified thru-wholly; you are superior etc etc <-- i don:t get it: feel like i miss contxt

45. ^ thinking more: i think i connect left-handedness to the same consciousness as animals; being: denial of "holy spirit" or w/e allows humans to overcome their animal-souls & become More (i saw snippets of this in that book keffie showd me about kelipot(animal6)/sefirot(divine6))

46. ^ left handed people being trapptd in animal-shell is logical conclusion i think; i never had visions about that tho; it makes sense to me that left-handed ppl to be "a form of priesthood that came-to-be in a class of people that could never achieve priesthood": profane v divine

47. ^ can:t really be human but we can be more humane than humanity; even if some weird right-handed people types glowing messages of god (in the form of slurs), there:s no reason a dumb profane animal can:t receive their messages w/ grace (i am working on this; i:m not there yet)

48. i guess my summary (to get back to christian stuff) is: i just have hope in my heart that legion would have salvation, & it would come in the form of something more loving than drowning in a lake <-- i don:t believe the bible portrays left-handed figures charitably/lovingly

49. al-tho some ppl gotta drown in a lake, i guess :-/ & may-be legion did drown in a lake :-/ but i:d like to believe there is more to life than having god tell you to drown in a lake (altho if this is the case: that is fine, too, & that is a life, too)

@ 9:05 P.M.

50. imagining the entirety of the uterus is like a brittle scab u can just dig nails-in to peel & flake out of yourself until it all falls out & you:re left w/ nothing

51. even less like a scab; like a flakey icecream cone -- super fragile & crumbles w/ a little bit of pressure

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:18 P.M.

52. dk nething about made in abyss but i like how tall ozen is

@ 9:41 P.M.

53. i:m still drawing hands; i actually had it to where i wantd it but i rebootd n 4got to save

@ 10:17 P.M.

54. angry; so angry; oh my god; heart can:t handle this [substacker:s note: this is hard to give context 4 & i 4got about it almost entirely: on secondlife there was a tournament i signed up for (basically secondlife rocket league) & another person looked @ the bracket & said something along the lines of “oh X & Y aren:t entering? no competition :-/” i got really mad & called them a chump, & she kind of played along w/ the friendly banter (but it wasn:t friendly to me i was ultra upset) — i ended up telling a friend on SL i am insanely angry and i just need them to talk to me 4 a bit, i:ll try to get logs 4 this actually [substacker:s substacker:s note: found the logs]]

55. not like; idk; i letmy self stand up 4 myself and i an:t calm down my heart is racing so fast i feel so bad

56. oh my god my body was not meant to handle saying things iw ant to say my head hurts os much from this

57. letting anger out doe NOT feel good it feels a thousand times worse it hurts

…from Secondlife @removed.resident

@ 10:21 P.M.

58. removed1 calm me down my hadns are shaking

59. [>>Take a deep breath through your mouth, then exhale slowly through your nose]]

60. isn:t it the other way aorund

61. [>>I don't know?]

62. [>>I'm just experimenting]

63. [...message received...]

64. UGH

65. thanks removed1

66. [>>But now you're focused on how to breathe correctly]

67. [>>So you're not thinkiing about other stuff]

68. [...message received...]

69. no i:m still pretty rattled

70. [>>Why so rattled?]

71. i got really really angry bc of removed2s comment and lost control n said something rude and that made it worse

72. and then my heart starts racing really hard and my head starts to hurt a bunch

73. anger is really hard on me @@

74. whole dang body feels hot dude

75. god or w/e scientologists believe in did not want me to express anger

76. ^ engrams i think

77. [...message received...]

78. [...message received...]

79. [...message received...]

80. i get what you:re saying i am just irrationally upset and my body is reacting irrationally

81. the talk is helpful tho ty

82. [...message received...]

83. [...message received...]

84. homie the real Unfortunate thing is weed does not even work w/ me it:s actually so cursed

85. [...message received...]

86. [...message received...]

87. [...message received...]

88. [...message received...]

89. [...message received...]

90. removed1 i:m not a misfit i:m a normie ^^

91. [...message received...]

92. [...message received...]

93. [...message received...]

94. i got something!

95. [...message received...]

96. in my notifications tab wihch is separate from my inbox

97. idk why

98. thank you very much removed1 ^^

99. [...message received...]

100. i can get a :za w this next week ヽ(´▽`)/ several even

101. several zas 4 zeeveral aridays

102. [...message received...]

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:38 P.M.

103. related to anger stuff i had a moment a few days ago realizing that i never got over any of my anger issues i had as a kid, specifically: wishing my mom wouldn:t talk to me to make small-talk because all small-talk is pointless, & beating up kids 4 playing games incorrectly

104. actually never got over this it:s all still there ppl doing things in ways i don:t like drives me insanely upset & the only thing that really changed is how i manage it; something about imperfect-actions & insensitive words make me rlly upset w/o fail & i can:t stop it @ all

105. the anger is so bad dude; i mean it just hurts so much physically; i talkd w SL friend to try to calm downa nd he lped me a little; he also sent me a gift card 4 pizza (ty pizza sugar daddy) but dude my body is actually so fuckd up over this; gonna go lay down or something

106. i m coming to terms that i am stupid autistic and the only reason i didn:t have a diagnosis is because my mom thought the doctors were lying; this anger is KILLING me my head is throbbing my hands r burning; ok i:m going to bed goodnight

---

Dec 11th

TODAY:S FORECAST：basically an entire day spent on secondlife & WARNING this day is 90% talking with senpai during conejobeat -- i included basically our entire conversation because: this was a /really/ nice day for me, & it:s like the one good day sandwiched between a horrible time in my life lol, i m thankful 4 conejobeat 
♡ฅ(ᐤˊ꒳ฅˋᐤ♪)

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「can you tell us anything about your oc? any fun facts? is it ok to draw them?」

good morning, anonymous, & thank you 4 writing me; my oc is really just me with green skin bc it:s my favorite color, & horns because i like demons -- that:s mostly it; you can draw them if you would like, anonymous; take care of yourself, ok?

☆彡「what's ur favorite bug」

good morning anonymous; ty 4 the consideration; spiders if that counts; i like nephilia the most from spiders; if bugs=/=non-insect, then i guess i like parasitoid wasps the most, the ones that prey on spiders; have a nice day today, ok?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:45 A.M.

1. watchn pit bull attack videos all morning; comments in them r really weird bc you have handfuls of ppl doing the "i:ll tactically disarm the dog & steal the dogs gun & and freakn pull its eyes out after i quickdraw my tactical tanto and sever its jaw muscles" routine

2. dog tries to attack me and i:ll quickly twist my clothes off me so they wind around where the dog will bite creating a fabric barrier & then when the dog falls into my trap i:ll twist my groin around the dogs neck and put it in-to a dog reaper hold b4 coup de grace,, gnight pup..

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

8:12 A.M.

3. i like center row far right the most; she looks really normal but also like she:d choke ppl who made fun of you

   

   AI generated touhous from post here

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:16 A.M.

4. i should start my scientology courses again today so i can get my certificate; feel rlly pulld-thin in terms of focus l8ly, tho; i:ve been drawing for the past two days mostly, tho <-- it:s not all bad ^^; yesterday & day b4 were both pretty o-k

5. kinda waiting 4 my mood to crash again, really; my moms pneumonia stresses me out a-lot bc it keeps triggering that "i have to be ready 4 her to die" thing she:d always drill in me, & it feels like when that happens (assuming i m in leesburg), then i:ll be sealed in-to the coffin

6. in a weird way: i:d like to go b4 she does, because i don:t want the weird death-prep thing to come to fruition; i am really a coward about that; i have to draw ヽ(´＾`)/

7. o ya: one more blog-post: i got super angry last-night on SL bc someone said something that i thought was insensitive, & i got super angry & decided to let myself talk shit, & it made it so much worse -- body wouldn:t calm down & my heart wouldn:t stop / head hurt / hands burn

8. i get angry about the stupidest shit & it really-really gets to me -- & i kno ppl say bottling anger is bad but whenever i let it out, like, i get close to blacking out; it can even just be something like saying "fuck you" <-- i can:t handle it @ all, it:s like a heart attack

9. it:s like standing up 4 myself (even online) is the most adrenaline i could ever get & it:s way too much 4 my body to take ^^;

@ 8:34 A.M.

10. i:m in blog mood; i think it:d b cool to date another artist -- & sort-of have a similar vision 4 your work/projects & collab occasionally; i don:t know if that would b the ideal relationship but it:d b fun i think; really silly: black dresses of twitter picture drawers [substacker:s note: this is really silly but in my head i kind of thought me & senpai could be that, & it made me so giddy in a dumb way that i could b a part of some artistic power couple lol]

    

11. found a order 9 angles thread n it:s full of ppl saying they are dumb bc they do a bunch of socially evil stuff (thread is about them defending p-word stuff / hurting kids)<-- i might b way too simple but this makes complete sense to me 4 a satanist group: things everyone hates

12. ^ i mean this less-so in approval 4 the group beyond: ya this makes complete sense 4 a satanist group to do this: they r satanists

13. thread also goes in-to how they do rituals to transition men in-to women (they use slurs in the thread; ritual involved beheading a human corpse) <-- which is kind based to me; makes sense, too: bc of the baphomet thing, & transitioning being as close as you can get to contradict

14. ^ very internalized-transphobic statement from me but generally i think i believe transitioning to be a step towards "otherworldliness" (not in a "good" way), but the trans-identity-environment grounds them in-to mundanity; i:d even say that it:s kind of "evil" to me

15. ^ "evil" here relates to the infertility & rejection of adam/eve inheritance (by this i just mean: you are a child of life & continue life); i always associate transness w/ reversed tarot version of adam\eve (trying to birth children of death thru infertility) <-- super negative

16. ^ trans ppl heavily involved in adam/eve religion makes me think of falls-from-grace (from planescape torment) -- which is really cool to me; i think there:s a lot of grace that comes from going against inherited nature & maintaining dignity w/ it; thinking "this" feels bad tho

17. i:ll always remember this thread esoteric racist twitter user sunny made, wheeeeere he compared the modern programming-socks of t-words to the antiquated wizard-hats of mystics <-- i think this basically was a more positive/affirming version of what i m saying; ash v fire worship

18. sunny would probably b really fun to hang out w/ irl

@ 9:20 A.M.

19. readn more of the o9a thread; there:s some post saying all you have to do to b o9a is "b sinister" (w/e that means to you); i still think this is obfuscation to trick right-handed people, since sinister refers to left-hand; it makes sense to me that christ didn:t save the lefties

20. adam/even were the right-handed children of life, right; & god allowed them to go against his wishes (get tempted by a snake) & commit sin even tho they are "of-god"; i think this is true too 4 the children of satan: the left-handed r free to commit good, too, in spite of nature

21. k i:m done thinking about christian stuff i need to finish drawing scientology stuff ^^ scientologists don:t care about christian stuff ne-ways

@ 10:13 A.M.

22. catching up on kengan omega too ^^ in an /a/ thread i saw ppl post that omega 100% should have been either: just been a koga/gaoh story, or should have ditched the kengan cast entirely & focused on the purgatory cast <-- & 100% these both would:ve been way more fun

@ 10:20 A.M.

23. ok i:m caught up; if you r reading kengan omega you should really consider reading the /a/ threads when new chapters come out bc they:re really funny imo ^^ it:s 80% of the enjoyment of reading omega 4 me

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:51 A.M.

24. ok i:m done drawing 10 fingers; not perfect but i m fine w/ it i need to move on..

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:40 A.M.

25. 

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:44 A.M.

26. i finished the drawing i wanted to make really badly; so i:m very happy 4 that -- i realized i didn:t put my scars on her, & that:s fine; i:m going to make an extra version 4 here as self-fulfillment (the arm scars wouldn:t b visible -- i get tempted to put them on ne-ways)

27. it:s barely a change but it makes it more personal; n makes me slightly happier

    

28. this:ll b the pixiv version -- it hought 4 awhile it might be fun to make different versions of stuff 4 pixiv/tumblr/twittr but i m too lazy (i do it sometimes actually tho -- usually pixiv gets the different version bc i post to it late & sometimes i end up changing final thing)

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 2:06 P.M.

29. i:m in a 1v1 SL tournament wish me luck

…from Secondlife @removed.resident {conversation with removed1}

@ 4:50 P.M.

30. i:m an eternal 2nd placer, removed1

31. [...message received...]

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:02 P.M.

32. /b/ros i got 2nd :-/ [substacker:s note: in the 1v1 tournament]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:29 P.M.

33. i:m ultra angry atm n trying to not relpase; so i:m trying to think of nice things: even t ho that drawing isn:t diong super good i:m really glad that i finished it bc it means a lot to me, i think; it:s one of those: "it:s the only way to show love/affection" things ni t feelsgo

…from Secondlife @removed.resident {conversation with removed1}

@ 5:48 P.M.

34. ok i:m calmer

35. i didn:t relapse or nething

36. still frustrated (*´-`)

37. [...message received...]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:50 P.M.

38. took a shower; (also not why i:m angry:) in SL i get teased about scientology stuff, or: no one believes me / ne mention invites jokes about celebrities & science fiction stuff i don:t kno about -- these jabs r always kind-of ??? to me bc what they say is not that outlandish

39. religious stories tend to sound like science fiction; look @ buddhism: ur early buddhas talk about how they were like 20 ft tall & three trillion people gathered around to listen to their speech; even christianity has a lot of weird stuff like flying wizards

40. ^ it:s less-so the jabs that make me frustrated, it:s more-so the inconsistency; but the real issue is: scientology is a super lonely thing to pursue, i think, due to the cultural association it has: you:re basically committing to keep it within the church or you:ll b mocked

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:14 P.M.

41. holy conejobeat in two minutes [substacker:s note: it was a SL rave held @ conejo island (sofa:s sim in secondlife) — it was really great; senpai was performing a set there]

…from Secondlife @removed.resident {conversation w/ senpai}

@7:21 P.M.

42. i:m excited 4 your set ^^

43. [...message received...]

44. what:s up?

45. [...message received...]

46. i fuckd up the dress code q (¯3¯) p [substacker:s note: everyone seemed to be wearing all white, sicne it was church themed]

47. [...message received...]

48. sick r not i:m here 4 you ^^

49. [...message received...]

50. [...message received...]

51. yayay i:m glad you saw it ^^ i was super happy to finally have finished that one

52. <3 thank you,, i workd on that one 4 way too long & it got lukewarm metrics but i:m just really happy i made it

53. i really wantd that out of me

54. it:s so alggy senpai ~y~

55. [...message received...]

56. [...message received...]

57. it:s holy conejobeat!!! ヽ(´▽`)/

58. 25 but it:s running slow

59. the fps is fine but it:s like the game itself is breaking

60. [...message received...]

61. [...message received...]

62. fasting can be a part of religious ceremony :pray:

63. [...message received...]

64. [...message received...]

65. [...message received...]

66. [...message received...]

67. good ^^ those are the best kind of prayers,,

68. i hope it felt good, to pray, too

69. [...message received...]

70. [...message received...]

71. happy 4 it?

72. [...message received...]

73. [...message received...]

74. which one?

75. [...message received...]

76. oo

77. are you going to equip it & be untargetable, sen-pai?

78. church is really moving today ^^

79. today is really nice i think

80. [...message received...]

81. [...message received...]

82. good ^^

83. [...message received...]

84. [...message received...]

85. when you go on tonight you won:t be targettable, exilable, destroyable, blockable

86. [...message received...]

87. [...message received...]

88. good ^^

89. [...message received...]

90. [...message received...]

91. [...message received...]

@ 7:40 P.M.

92. heeee i like that senpai

93. i:m just in pjs but i think it:s really important to dress nicely 4 stuff you care about,,

94. even on the computer ^^

95. [...message received...]

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105. pc love! people generate energy; even if they don:t realize it

106. especially if they don:t realize it ^^ some of the best energy comes from ppl just gathering together like this

107. not even the computer; not even the internet, can filter out that energy

108. [...message received...]

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112. it /is/ that

113. [...message received...]

114. [...message received...]

115. [...message received...]

116. no i felt the same; i:m super shy but i thought it would have been weird if i just kinda sat in the back and never said a thing

117. it:s really weird bc i know a lot of the names here -- not personally -- but something about that makes it more intimidating

118. [...message received...]

119. plus i came to support you & i think it:d be weird if i was just silent bc i:d worry you:d think i was mad @@

120. [»i did think you were mad actually]

121. that:s why i had to reach out ^^

122. [...message received...]

123. [...message received...]

124. i am! ^^ i:m fine not knowing her tho

125. not so much that i wouldn:t want to but; i:m fine being strangers w/ idols

126. [...message received...]

127. o nuh uh

128. i m dead serious i talk to ~1-2 ppl

129. removed3 nn a rl person

130. [...message received...]

131. [...message received...]

132. [...message received...]

@ 8:01 P.M.

133. [...message received...]

134. mm, we probably have some spiritual connection; idk i think we:re very adjacent to one-another whether either of us realizes it

135. but yayaya! conejo is really special it hink, & idk how to put it but i think you fade in-to it really well

136. fade isn:t the right word

137. but a similar sentiment to it, i think

138. [...message received...]

139. maybe ^^ but i don:t meant o disappear

140. i 4get if this was real or not

141. [>>you have an unreal feeling with that?]

142. but i felt like i saw you and sofa working on the church together lately & i thought that something seemed really right about it

143. ^ but again i can:t remember if this was real or not

144. [...message received...]

145. [...message received...]

146. [...message received...]

147. ya; i can:t actually place what i know it from

148. feels like i am making it up to myself

149. [...message received...]

150. [>>did you find a prayer spot?]

151. not yet; not ideal; i:ve just been praying occasionally facing my armoire that i have my misuzu cel up-against

152. i liked the nature spots more, though; because it felt mooore -- separated from daily life & special

153. [...message received...]

154. the church?

155. [...message received...]

156. [...message received...]

157. oh ^^ it is; it:s really special to me

158. almost too special, in the uhm

159. [...message received...]

160. i:m afraid to interact w/ it much

161. [...message received...]

162. i:m like a desert, senpai

163. there is little excess in me, i think

164. [...message received...]

165. it:s my elemental type (╥﹏╥)

166. i can:t help it

167. [...message received...]

168. wastelands! >:)

169. [...message received...]

170. [...message received...]

171. i m being really flippant w/ my word choice,,

172. i m in swamp florida atm :-/

173. [...message received...]

174. [...message received...]

175. dude it is actually summer weather here florida sucks

176. [...message received...]

177. i hate the swamp but i:m of the swamp ; ;

178. [...message received...]

179. i:m moist, i:m homogeneous, i:m humid

180. & trhat:s right i:m an egg laying lizard w/ breasts

181. i get high off hist

182. [...message received...]

183. skooma too

184. [...message received...]

185. [...message received...]

186. [>>what:s your favorite color?]

187. that:s tough; it:s green -- but i really really really love pure blue at the moment

188. i really adore pure blue at the moment

189. [...message received...]

190. green is hard,, i just really liked it; i loved how emerald green the green ranger was, & spawn, & idk, i loved how green looked; it:s y i:m green in SL & my oc, & my one email! removed@removed.com --> i liked her bc she is green & only 4 that; blue tho

191. [...message received...]

192. [...message received...]

193. [...message received...]

194. [...message received...]

195. [...message received...]

196. blue is different; blue is a really divine ; it:s harder to explain -- there is a very forward religious explanation that i associate blue with "my alignment" i have to adhere to, bc spiders are blue,, but also it has to do w/ water & the sky

197. idk how to explain the water/sky thing very well

198. i could explain it really well if you askd me like a month ago may-be, but it:s liiike, idk, it feels like the color of a soul to me

199. n when it:s pure 0,0,255 it:s more bright than ne other color to me

200. n when you look @ the sky & it:s so blue it:s so pretty, idk

201. [...message received...]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:28 P.M.

202. having a very holy conejo beat rn (≧u≦)🙏

…from Secondlife @removed.resident {conversation w/ senpai}

@ 8:30 P.M.

203. <3

204. senpai: what are your favorites?

205. [...message received...]

206. senpai you have very specific colors; this is really cool to me ^^ -- as a kid i was obsessed w/ pthalo blue because it seemed really rare / watery (night-type) to me -- or may-b it was prussian blue i had to double check

207. wondering if you have reasons 4 either

208. [...message received...]

209. [...message received...]

210. [...message received...]

211. [...message received...]

212. [...message received...]

213. [...message received...]

214. [...message received...]

215. [...message received...]

216. no, i agree ^^ i was going to say: i think that:s a really clear difference in our favorite colors; mine is really screen-centric & yours are tied to really physical things

217. digital color & physical color are just about impossible to care besides the super surface color label

218. [...message received...]

219. i was obsessed w/ prussian blue (i think it was prussian) specifically because i could never find it locally

220. [...message received...]

221. so it was an ultra rare color to me -- which is a silly reason, but it made that color stand out to me so much

222. [...message received...]

223. ya!

224. [...message received...]

225. completely different from, just opening up rgb computer thing n dialing in 0,0,255

226. [...message received...]

227. [...message received...]

228. ya ya ya that sounds really special & that means so much lol

229. [...message received...]

230. [...message received...]

231. [...message received...]

232. we:re opposites i feel >:) i love harsh blue on harsh white

233. [...message received...]

234. [...message received...]

235. i use it 4 all my digital text

236. [...message received...]

237. [...message received...]

238. i really like specifically the underline, too

239. [...message received...]

240. blue is really powerful, i think, senpai,, it:s even on the walls here

241. i think it gets even weirder / sharper if it:s in a weirdly perfect digital font, & it gets one-step weirder w/ the underline, 4 me

242. [...message received...]

243. ya! the energy is like reverse-mirror here

244. [...message received...]

245. [...message received...]

246. [...message received...]

247. [...message received...]

248. [...message received...]

249. [...message received...]

250. [...message received...]

251. [...message received...]

     

252. [...message received...]

253. ya i use xactly the mspaint default

254. ya ^^ like that

255. [...message received...]

256. [...message received...]

257. i think part of my blue-thing was: the sky belongs to heaven; & the earth belongs to hell; & somewhere really amorphously existed soul in ocean, & somewhere even deeper than the ocean was nyarlathotep

258. ocean is something really powerful & untapped

259. n it goes in-to the ground & it goes in-to the sky

260. [...message received...]

261. [...message received...]

262. [...message received...]

263. [...message received...]

264. red black is the soil ^^ to me, @ least, too: there is no light in soil, so it:s pitch-black; & the roots of earth are all red

265. plus blood goes in-to dirt, not air

266. [...message received...]

267. earth is beautiful, senpai

268. [...message received...]

269. [...message received...]

270. [...message received...]

271. [...message received...]

272. [...message received...]

273. [...message received...]

274. [...message received...]

275. nature is important to connect to every now-and-then

276. it scares me, sometimes; i:d occasionally walk thru trails & get really kinda overwhelmed by the earth

277. in a really silly: "this ground will swallow me up" way

278. [...message received...]

279. o hey devi is abraxas i didn:t realize ^^

280. yeah! if you listen to nature really closely it says scary things really often

281. you can hear really cool things from polluted areas, & manufactured areas, too

282. there:s this weird absence -- you could call it a spiritual absence -- of "new nature", like the fuckd up plasticy nature that industrialization created, that exists and flourishes really strongly

283. but no one really cares about it beyond contempt

284. n still it rages & grows

285. i tried to look 4 areas like that to pray @, 4 shrines; first one was some man-made rock outcropping abandoned by an artificial lake; the second: culvert full of beer cans ^^

286. [...message received...]

287. earth is old and ancient & has a lot of mystique to it,, but this new nature is a fledgling one & really ambitious , i think

288. ya!! the color there

289. idk when blue is sort-of artificaled and perfected down like that, it gets "wa ytoo sharp" to me

290. like all of the beauty of sky & ocean was forced in-to a computer shape

@ 9:00 P.M.

291. [...message received...]

292. [...message received...]

293. [...message received...]

294. in blue? or in second-life?

295. [...message received...]

296. [...message received...]

297. [...message received...]

298. [...message received...]

299. hehe; i think i know what you mean

300. [...message received...]

301. [...message received...]

302. it feels like we:ve been together here 4 a really long time, & the music stopping w/ the typing is a special kind of feeling

303. [...message received...]

304. ya,, i feel like i:ve been up all night w/ people waiting 4 something -- we:ve all been waiting together

305. & we finally got it & now it:s winding down & it:s 5 am & we r just kinda talking

306. [...message received...]

307. いぇs＾＾

308. [...message received...]

309. yaya show me ^^

310. [...message received...]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:22 P.M.

311. i:m really feeling conejo atm

…from Secondlife @removed.resident {conversation w/ senpai}

@11:34 P.M.

312. senpai it was really good! i loved it [substacker:s note: senpais set finished]

313. [...message received...]

314. [...message received...]

315. it was really good,, i listened to the whole thing attentively like it was something really important

316. it:s not too much @ all ^^ you did something beautiful, i think

317. [...message received...]

318. it:s like how you mentioned @ the start: it:s intimate

319. [...message received...]

320. you did really good, senpai

321. [...message received...]

322. [...message received...]

323. hesitate if you need, senpai, i:m here ^^

324. [...message received...]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:52 P.M.

325. holy conejobeat is so good i:m so tired but i:m having a lot of fun

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:28 A.M.

326. conejobeat is NOT ending & i m here 4 it but i:m also so tired lol

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 1:01 A.M.

327. omg they:re ending on wonderful everyday

…from Secondlife @removed.resident {conversation with senpai}

@ 1:32 A.M.

328. 

329. [...message received...]

330. [...message received...]

331. i:m not sure if hanky panky is a word, either, senpai,, but i think i understand you; it was really sad; & i still love you too, you know? it hurt a lot ^^ but, how to put it

332. i don:t really think love has to stop be-cause of sadness or hurt or pain

333. i:d like to believe love outlasts all three of those things ^^

334. [...message received...]

335. mm; there is a lot about my-self that upsets me a lot, senpai; & in a selfish way: i:d like to believe i am really worthy of love despite my shortcomings

336. ^ it:s a really christian thing, may-be, but i think i end up seeing other ppl as me

337. it:s hard to not find love; it:s hard to hold on to bad-stuff infinitely,,

338. [...message received...]

339. a little ^^

340. if i struggle & want to be forgiven; i have to forgive others 4 struggles, too, you know? super silly,,

341. [...message received...]

342. but mostly what i am trying to say is: if i am strong; you must be strong, too senpai

343. [...message received...]

344. more than strong; you:re incredible

345. [...message received...]

346. [...message received...]

347. [...message received...]

348. incredible things still struggle ^^;

349. ty,,

350. [...message received...][...message received...]

351. [...message received...]

352. [...message received...]

353. [...message received...]

354. [...message received...]

355. it is; i think it:s a kind of subject you can struggle w/ your entire life,, i mean i know i do

356. [...message received...]

357. may-be you do have bpd/bipolar; the name isn:t so important as it is, idk, finding your strengths and weaknesses & the patterns you fall in-to

358. your emotions are a large part of what makes you beautiful ^^

359. it:s, idk; it:s all hard -- i guess; i guess my thing is autism & whether or not i actually have that: i m kinda left going thru a buncha weird support-group-vibes 4 issues that easily control me more than vice versa

360. honestly curse it regularly (¯△¯#) but it:s me

361. [...message received...]

362. me neither ^^ it:s hard to explain

363. [...message received...]

364. [...message received...]

365. [...message received...]

366. [...message received...]

367. [...message received...]

368. doctors said i "lack common sense" & i seem super intelligence/capable, but i m missing some very large key areas that make me a complete person, i think; the three things that kind-of control me are: very specific anger issues, being unable to really function outside of routine, & lacking empathy

369. [...message received...]

370. [...message received...]

371. [...message received...]

372. [...message received...]

373. [...message received...]

374. the stuff you:re saying about ppl & energy is something both in bpd & autism -- it:s why the label is tricky; sometimes autism takes the form of hyper empathy where being around other people is too hard due to feeling too much; bpd is really similar, here <-- stuff like this is why you endup tackling specific issues i think,,

375. my empathy issues mostly come in the form of: i don:t feel other ppls emotions @ all; there:s a term 4 this, affective empathy i think?

376. i can understand other peoples feelings just fine but never been able to feel what other ppl r feeling

377. [»how do you feel love?]

378. i don:t feel it @ all

379. i just tell myself someone loves me & keep it in mind

380. it makes me feel like a bug, bluntly

381. [...message received...]

382. [...message received...]

383. [...message received...]

384. i:m sure i:m not being completely honest with myself; but it:s hard 4 me, idk; the way i attach to people is very weird

385. [...message received...]

386. [...message received...][...message received...]

387. [...message received...]

388. [...message received...]

389. [...message received...]

390. [...message received...]

391. [...message received...]

392. [...message received...][...message received...]

393. [...message received...]

394. [...message received...]

395. [...message received...]

396. i:m glad ^^ we might be inversions of each other w/ empathy,,

397. the last thing you said is kinda important to me

398. really important to me; christian thing again: i know i m kind of a dumbass @ times & i have a lot of hope in my heart that ppl around me will understand those moments aren:t me as a whole

399. so i try to extend it to everyone, in return

400. do-unto-others brain, i guess

401. it:s may-be the opposite issue; i m super trusting & (although definitely not perfect), i think i do a good job @ understanding others -- but the "feeling" non-logical part bites me often

402. [...message received...]

403. i:m also may-be too straight forward 4 my own good ^^

404. w8 except when i:m embarrassed! if i:m embarrassed i am not straightforward

405. [»what is your most embarrassing moment?]

406. recently probably peeing the bed when i was w/ iris; she was really cool about it; i had a [bad sex] dream

407. [...message received...]

408. super embarrassing though because i have to wake her up & do laundry

409. [...message received...]

410. [...message received...]

411. ya,, it:s not like a regular problem 4 me but it happens when my nightmares are really bad, which isn:t very often

412. happened twoo times in two years w/ iris

413. [...message received...]

414. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING it:s idk

415. [...message received...]

416. [...message received...]

417. [...message received...]

418. omg

419. oh no

420. [...message received...]

421. senpai that is terrible i am sorry

422. [...message received...]

423. [...message received...]

424. no i get it lol

425. hs was a nightmare 4 me bc of something similar to that

426. i don:t remember how it started -- it started w/ like a nightmare i had about shitting myself i think; & the nightmare didn:t happen -- but what it led to was a genuine psychotic episode where i thought it was happening constantly in class, & i kept excusing myself to go to thebathroom to check; but also: my stomach kept making noise (i think it was bc i was basically not eating food xcept 4 coffee) & i spent the morning period every day like

427. terrified if they could hear my stomach / if the tactile hallucinations were real

428. n then making up excuses to just hide in the bathroom lol

429. that shit suckd it lastd like 3 weeks

430. [...message received...][...message received...]

431. [...message received...][...message received...]

432. ya; idk; i think it was the first time i hallucinated and even tho i knew nothing was happening it didn:t matter @ all

433. [...message received...]

434. i completely knew it was fake & i couldn:t trust myself

435. no don:t say that ; ;

436. [...message received...]

437. [...message received...]

438. it:s ok lol

439. i just don:t want to be the piss and shit person lol

440. [...message received...]

441. i m laughing tho

442. [...message received...]

443. noooo

444. [...message received...]

445. no way: you:re a person

446. a whole entire one

447. [...message received...]

448. [...message received...]

449. [...message received...]

450. brrsshcc (crashing noises)

451. [...message received...][...message received...]

452. idk how to leave

453. [>>like the moment?]

454. ya lol

455. [...message received...]

456. [...message received...]

457. [...message received...]

458. [...message received...]

459. [...message received...]

…from Discord @#### {conversation w/ senpai}

@ 1:30 A.M.

460. [...message received...]

461. ❤️ it:s so late but i:m having so much fun ^^

462. [...message received...]

463. no ^^ i:ve just been reading chat,,

464. which sounds really insane when it ype it out

465. [...message received...]

466. [...message received...]

467. [...message received...]

468. bc it:s been 5 hours? is that right

469. woah

470. [...message received...][...message received...]

471. [...message received...]

472. likewise ^^ i had a really nice time tonight,,

     

473. ty very much 4 the nice night senpai

474. ok that:s a good picture

     

475. [...message received...]

476. eheh my mask

477. i realized it was hiding my face,,

478. [...message received...]

479. i said this before already but ty again 4 the nice night; you were definitely a large part of it ^^

480. it:s bed time 4 me

481. [...message received...]

482. i hope you have a really nice night, too, senpai

483. o7

484. [...message received...]

485. ❤️

486. [»o7]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 1:48 A.M.

487. holy conejobeat was really magical & i:m rlly glad i went

@ 2:08 A.M.

488. 8 hours of secondlife ; ;

     ---

Dec 12th

TODAY:S FORECAST：the conejobeat come-down day; very little happens — this happens off-screen but i agreed to fill-in for a missing player in another SL tournament as a favor to them (◎_◎;)

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「how do you usually dress? do you have a style or just wear whatevers comfy? hope u have a good day <33」

good mornn anonymous, thank you 4 the kind words ^^; atm i:m wearing red plaid pj bottoms, the same oversized cardigan i wear every day bc iris wore it; & iris:s graduation shirt; yesterday i wore iris:s dad:s kiss shirt & sweat pants i think; occasionally i wear dresses n athleisure stuff (track shorts n some weird top), but mostly i just dress 4 comfort atm bc i like how it looks / feels -- not very feminine but :-/; have a nice day too, anonymous, ok?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:41 A.M.

1. i:m waking up //y// i think conejobeat went on for ~8 hours; was a lot of fun; got to talk to senpai a bunch; sets were rlly good, ppl were cool, church was nice; i only got like ~3 hours of sleep tho bc of noise here + cat doesn:t leave me alone & i don:t have a door

2. this is only half serious: i was missing my cat a lot but now that i:m here i regret thinking that <-- it:s more-so just: she doesn:t let me sleep ^^; @ ~2-4am she stands on my hair, jumps @ me, meows in my face; i was really moved that she didn:t 4get me in the time iw as gone

3. i also got so spoiled from not having to deal w/ cat hair over all my shit i hate cat hair; all my black clothes get covered in grey/white hair and i look so gross; plus there is like this weird mold in the shower that makes my skin break out; but these r all parts of florida

…from Marabarl & Marlabra @marabaraLTD

@ 8:47 A.M.

4. had this dream i was @ iris:s house and used the bathroom over the garage, & it was fine; then like way later iris comes in & is like mara this is unacceptable what i did to the bathroom -- & in thebathroom there was a mop-bucket crammed into the toilet & bucket was full of shit

5. and the dream was just me being gaslit like "wait did i shit in a mop bucket thinking it was a toilet?" & trying to plead like: there:s no way i shit in a toilet i:m not that stupid; & then ppl were just frustrated like "then WHO" & went off about how the garage was leaking

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:53 A.M.

6. ok i:m all out of art energy i:m back to this

   

7. i actually do get use out of these courses -- it:s silly but they:re kind of just "formulas to treat people well" & it:s helpful 4 me; this marriage course probably would have helpd my relationship w/ iris a little; makes me wish i could get more lost in-to group dynamics

8. even if i feel that i really believe in some idea i think i fundamentally lack (may b not entirely, this is probably not true) the ability to just give self to group; i don:t think i can ever be a "scientologist" & only ever "mara interested in scientology", which is a little sad

9. i think some-times mistake me separating ppl in-to arachnids/insects as the arachnid being the superior group; i think the arachnids are the unfortunate ones -- alienation from community is super depressing / miserable, i think;also cat keeps walking on tablet n i hate it

@ 11:25 A.M.

10. wonder if they actually do nething w/ these write-ups they ask 4; i like to write them bc it:s about the closest i get to "doing schoolwork" & sometimes assignments make me feel like my brain isn:t dying

    

@ 3:25 P.M.

11. scientology scares me so much; like real terror; my chest tightens up thru-out the day thinking about it; it:s hard to explain my feeling about it, bc it:d sound really sexual & i:m a little afraid to say that: but it reminds me of something really specific from when i was a kid

12. & it:s not attaced to ne specific sexual-process <-- i can:t explain this part well @ all; more clearly: it feels like young mara interacts w/ scientology more than old mara, if that makes sense; but it really terrifies me, i am looking @ flagbase and feel so scared 4 some reason

…from DMs @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:36 P.M.

13. [»I'm really curious, what exactly was conejo beat?]

14. hello, thank you 4 taking the time to reach out to me ne-ways; it was a second-life rave, there:s a page 4 it

15. http://conejobeat.com

16. but it looks like the stream got taken down

17. it:s @yogurt200:s land she hosts it @

18. a:n dev was there n did a set too ^^

19. was rlly good; buncha twitter artist ppl were there

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 3:39 P.M.

20. /a/ makes me want to watch build divide

    

@ 7:15 P.M.

21. i miss being surroundedby all the cute conejo hunnies (╥﹏╥)

@ 7:26 P.M.

22. oh fuck gourdcop found me

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:24 P.M.

23. i really like the gourdchat vids

    

@ 9:33 P.M.

24. o hey the shounen no abyss mangaka is a girl apparently, this is kinda surprising to me

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:58 P.M.

25. I'm laying in bed; don't give up; I'm really comfortable; have a nice night [substacker:s note: i was really depressed when i wrote this — i don:t remember why]

    ---

Dec 13th

TODAY:S FORECAST：mood starts to sink; gender issues; past career aspirations (*´Д｀)

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「how do you usually dress? do you have a style or just wear whatevers comfy? hope u have a good day <33」

good mornn anonymous, thank you 4 the kind words ^^; atm i:m wearing red plaid pj bottoms, the same oversized cardigan i wear every day bc iris wore it; & iris:s graduation shirt; yesterday i wore iris:s dad:s kiss shirt & sweat pants i think; occasionally i wear dresses n athleisure stuff (track shorts n some weird top), but mostly i just dress 4 comfort atm bc i like how it looks / feels -- not very feminine but :-/; have a nice day too, anonymous, ok?

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:06 A.M.

1. brrr brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

   

@ 8:57 A.M.

2. i think we have no hot water & i turn the sink on to wash my hands while my mom is showering & it:s like boiling wtf; is my mom just using all ther hot water or turns the water heater on 4 her showers only wat is goin on

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:01 P.M.

3. almost done w sept7-11 substack; a lot of work goes in-to making the substack posts & only ~70 views per post; i should probably advertise my own stuff more but -- i don:t really know what the point is (ie: i don:t know what more views on my substack earns me tangibly)

4. was kind of depressed yesterday bc i finished that drawing & conejobeat ended & i kinda was left w/ nothing to do, so i forced myself to start up substack again today -- kinda glad i did ^^

@ 12:37 P.M.

5. [sounds of mice screaming two rooms over as snakes eat them]

…from tumblr @marabarl-and-marlbara

@ 12:58 P.M.

6. [»what are those black ball things present in many of your drawings? do they stand for a chemical model of a substance or are they maybe some other symbol? im really interested in your art its great :3]

7. thank you 4 taking the time to write me, anonymous, & 4 the kind words; the black orbs are the body of qlifot, as on the really low geometry pattern layer (above that layer: the clay layer, where left-handed r pulled from qlifot clay (above that layer: where the buried dead insect/arachnid shells are in the garden of life -- the shards make demons that get crushed in-to oils (creating the stygian palette) that contaminate the groundsoil via oil veins); the qlifot geometry is composed of quad-patterns (think 3d sculpting software where your most basic building-block is the tri (these are tri-patterns, leading in-to the sefirotic (heavenly) construction)) created via combining two tri-patterns (quaternity always comes after trinity -- satan comes in shadow of trinity; eve comes in shadow of adam; qlifot comes in shadow of sefirot; arachnids come in shadow of insect); due to the nature of qlifot-construction (being made out of a broken portion of the sefirot / trinity): the qlifot (& her children (the left-handed) are fundamentally inferior/broken @ the lowest layer (it:s not detectable on the highest illusory layer (inside of the torture chamber where i am writing this), beyond identifying birth-handedness), & can not possess true soul like sefirotic children (the right-handed). qlifots birth came from 1-of-10 sefira shattering under pressure of soul (the sefira were built to contain soul, to populate the garden), so qlifot is 1/10th the size of sefirot; qlifot is shattered & can not hold soul, but her surface is wet w/ the glisten of soul -- & this prevents her from being true-ly mundane (as a simple clay-pot). this is where the children of satan (left-handed) people are from; fundamentally: the left-handed were not saved by christ, & the prescriptions of the bible were not intended 4 a left-handed reader, & the verses were written with right-hands in right-handed direction (left->right); cultural & religious attempts to remove left-handed (sinistrated) existence is justified thru this lense; putting qlifot in-to art & writing in sinistrated direction (right->left) is just attempt to love my construction, & even though i am guaranteed hell in-death, i would like to (attempt to) live more humanely than humanity: the children of god were permitted the opportunity to sin, so i believe the children of satan were permitted the opportunity to have grace; i understand likely this is "not a very clear answer" but it:s hard 4 me to summarize information very efficently, i think; i am sorry 4 that; i hope this answers your question & take care of yourself, ok

…from DMs @marlbaraLTD

@ 2:54 P.M.

8. [»Haven't you written about your own dreams a few times? Do you think they mean anything]

9. occasionally i write about them; generally if i remember them i do -- i think they:re mostly just about things i am stressed out about / experiences that scared me; & usually tied in-to videogames

10. i don:t put too much thought in-to them bc i don:t tend to remember them & there:s not much consistency between them besides typical nightmare stuff like being hunted / things ending (stress) & empty locations (churches, academies, dorms, compounds) that just read as loneliness to me

11. [»Why are they- or why are /you/ tied into video games so much? Do they mean something to you?]

12. just played them very-much; my mom liked them & i liked them, dad too i guess; mmos were mostly the only interaction i had w/ other people until i was ~16-17 so it:s probably imprinted on-to me; more-so from ~18-24 it was tied in-to my future via trying to b a professional league of legends person

13. [»Were you good at them would you say?]

14. i was really good @ league; just had really bad emotional issues; i don:t think i had the potential to make it a career, although i did make some money -- which is why i gave up on it

15. [»How do you make money from that, anyway? And how did emotional issues deter that, did it make it harder to play?]

16. […message received…]

17. it:s ok; tournament winnings, mostly; i didn:t make a lot; i tried to become a streamer 4 awhile since i wasn:t cutting it to make it into the top ~20?ish ladder players needed to b scouted 4 a really competitive team; becoming really upset/depressed makes it hard to perform well consistently

18. eventually realized my other friends were becoming millionaires off it & i was just feeding a gambling addiction w/ no pay-off that i neglected college 4, & decided i:d just b a janitor instead

19. […message received…]

20. [»What kinds of games do you like playing in the present? Do you do it for fun without a goal in mind?]

21. i play super auto pets when i get frustrated w/ trying to work bc i don:t have to think to play it; that is mostly it; not rlly 4 enjoyment just to pass time

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 3:36 P.M.

22. 

23. 

24. 

25. 

26. brush is so ugly; head hurts

@ 5:05 P.M.

27. crypto grifter idea: start up a group that claims to recover artwork that was stolen to b minted as NFTs, & you just need to email this group the receipts -- then turn all the email/receipts into NFTs instead

28. i watch peter caines dog training videos occasionally, & he seems like a rlly good dog trainer who is probably great w/ animals, but it always kind of makes me double-down on me thinking keeping pets is rlly wrong; i guess bc training a dog is just breaking it like a person

@ 5:48 P.M.

29. 

@ 6:05 P.M.

30. wake up in mans body, my privates r steel, i beat off; wake up in womans body i:m begging godto give me the strength to not wake up ever again

    

31. wake up in mans body & everyone is based 4 me that my privates r hard; everyone loves it; i love it; everything is based & my friends love it; i talk about how my privates r hard & how huge i am n i don:t break down crying; i:ve never been more loved; i:ve never been more based

32. doctor says i just need to relax & not look; & i feel the needle pierce thru the walls of my genitals into each follicle & hear suction as my eggs get suckd out thru a vacuum; after hours, doctor makes me completely infertile; doctor removd my entire uterus; i cry bc i m so happy

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 6:45 P.M.

33. prayers to god to bring me back as kemono friend w/ kemono friends

34. w/o the ideation & pain; it:s fine if i have to have that too; it:s completely fine too if it:s in kemono friend hell world where kemono friends r discarded like raw material daily, too; it:s fine if kemono friend & kemono world is just the xact same as this one in every way too

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:01 P.M.

35. 

36. uterus crawls out-side of my body in the shape of some wet bleeding rat; & i catch it up in my hands & squeezes its legs against its body and stare @ its face & tighten my grip and crush it into paste in my hands so i never have to see the gross fucking thing ever again

37. it crawls outside of my body in the shape of some pulpy meaty rat & i catch it up in my hands; & i stare @ it:s little womb rat eyes & it:s weird tube legs & i swallow the fucking thing whole & hear the creepy mice screams i always hear &then never hear them EFVER again it:s gone

    

@ 9:18 P.M.

38. been tihnking about that one manga about srs & how there:s thsi page about where she finally gets to pee w/ her new shit & realizes it:s completely different; & how i never considerd how peeing would b different w/ different shit, & how bad(?) that makes me feel inside, i think [substacker:s note: manga name is boku ga watashi ni naru tame ni]

39. neways i m in tons of pain so i am oging to go lay down; goodnight; try to love yourself, ok?