2021/12/22 cry for help arc pt1
dec6-dec9
ふぇあつりんｇ…
[substacker:s note: they kikllled curiouscat and i can:t archive it being it:s fucking gone i am so fucking sad; substacker:s note note: curious cat is back ^^ i added the CC questions on 2021/12/28]
Dec 6th
TODAY:S FORECAST：getting mad about art opinions; reflecting on scientology & relationships （＾－＾）…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD
☆彡「There is a left-handed e-meter for sale on ebay not suggesting that you buy it just thought you'd be interested to know they exist if you didn't already https://www.ebay.com/itm/Left-Handed-Mark-Super-VII-Quantum-E-Meter-Warranty-Refurbished-Scientology-/175043847201?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&_trksid=p2349624.m46890.l49286&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0」
thank you very much 4 showing me this, anonymous; there:s no way i can buy this (i think if i am trying to "really be scientologist" it actually strictly goes against the church to buy stuff second-hand like this,,, + i:m poor); but this is actually really cool to me; i really appreciate it & it looks really cool, &, idk, i am just surprised. it:s an undercurrent w/ me but i am just kinda thrilled the church made a left handed emeter lol -- have a nice day, anonymous okay?
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 4:43 A.M.
my cat wakes me up every morning at 4 by standing me and purring loudly and walking back n forth; I'm tired dude
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 6:58 A.M.
ご尾dｍorning anonymoous, woof woof, let me get you some coffee
i had a dream about esoteric racist twitter user sunny, & he related to something i posted & i realized i kinda missed esoteric racist twitter user sunny; i muted him awhile ago bc when unmuted my timeline actually becomes 95% sunny going off about eye color & planets;come back,,
thinkn about political (?) stuff lately, mostly that: i:ve been xposed to ppl who h8 hetero-normativity &&&, i don:t get it; i feel like it:s a belief ur supposed to pick up during your transition but it never stuck w/ me; mostly bc: since transitioning only queer ppl fuck w/ me
fucking w/ doesn:t mean, say, "calling me slurs" or something, i don:t consider "has feelings that go against my existence" to be fucking with; fucking with is like -- gets into your life & tries to drop dirt inside of you; queer-normativity has been very rapey & controlling 4 me
i:d like to say may-b the [fucking-with] that comes from [hetero-normativity] is just in the shape of [Capital (don:t care)] or [Hating You] or [Disbelieving You] but i get all this w/ queer ppl too; the knife-attraction thing makes me extra bitter i think; idk what i:m saying
maybe it:s just the difference between online (homo) v offline (hetero); i m way too online so i don:t get the fucking w/ of offline much -- or idk; i go outside kind of regularly but my feelings might b different if i workd, but usually 4 me it:s just like "what r your pronouns"
or like someone will catcall me or something; idk; i mean the scientologists r nice but i think they are ultra conservative
ok gotta take a break from bad takes to draw :-/ want to finish the ~3 substack posts i have in queue -- it:s 27th-30th, then 1st-4th divided into two parts (not sure if i can combine it w/o breaking substack -- they:re really long; @ a certain point substack dies from text)
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:26 A.M.
idk why but this really upsets me
actually get super upset; idk; like pulse is up and i want to call ppl slurs upset; which is silly bc it:s just someone disagreeing with a position i internally hold; but, art being "pure" is very important to me, & someone going "art IS; art ISN:T" is enraging to me
^ also just because it seems so intuitive to me; ie: where do people get morals from? bible maybe? personal experiences? some document? <-- try your hardest to argue these can never be considered art; try your hardest to argue your values have never been influenced by anime
just imagine if we go hyper literal and snap this position (art is to teach empathy) in-to reality, & art-museum-galleries become sensitivity-workshops to teach ppl empathy <-- does this not seem dumb that you turned "art" in-to workplace sensitivity training?
find any-one who has a clear boundary of what art is & isnt, & u:ve found someone who has never been touched by art or seen art with their own heart
art isn:t videogames: fuck you; art is painting; fuck you; art isn:t performance: fuck you; art is visual novels: fuck you; art isn:t crying; fuck you; art isn:t racist: fuck you; art is loving: fuck you; art isn:t commodity: fuck you; art is democratic: fuck you; art is importan
need to work on getting less upset @ ppl who disagree w/ me
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:17 A.M.
ok this one is done now, too
@ 10:10 A.M.
immediately is tart snickering
two thoughts (i was out driving bc i didn:t go outside yesterday; i:m scared of going outside again :x); [1] if i decide-to/can join the sea org, i wonder if they would make me cut my hair? + what about meds; [2] i:d like to add a chapter-navigation to my substack posts may-be
bark woof woof; was reflectin too about, i think i:ve only ever met one other person who shared the same sex-trauma-circumstance i had, & have only ever seen another person post about it once b4; you can see it in doujins infrequently, & it:s like re-experiencing soul-loss to see
^ i kind of value the soul-loss feeling, honestly; it:s such a distinct/unique sensation that a reasonable % of ppl will never get to feel it; <-- i wonder if it has to do w/ the christianity stuff; but it:s cool to me thatyou can feel sensations like this, u only live once right
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 10:42 A.M.
here:s a few illustrations from my substack; it:s in my bio if you want to read it
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 11:09 A.M.
oh hey i:m on the angelicism r-word list ^^ between "tom cohen" & "adolf hitler"
@ 11:42 A.M.
a hard-working CCer showed me a left-handed e-meter!!! thank you CCer ^^ this is so cool lol
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 12:17 P.M.
my new mouse skate things arrived nnnnn,, they lift the mouse up high enough that it fucks w the LOD
yup these r unusable & the mouse lod settings don:t accommodate it
@ 1:01 P.M.
noise and animals are getting to me
@ 1:56 P.M.
posting cool mix tou drawing i found on alicesoft wiki bc i:ll probably 4get about it and when i want to look @ it, not be able to find it; so now it:s over here & easy to look @ ^^
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 2:59 P.M.
i dno what iw as doing w this
@ 3:52 P.M.
finished another one :-/ i should space it out but i wanna b done
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 4:47 P.M.
insects kemono friend bot rt led me to finding kemono friend bot led me to finding black mamba friend; black mambas r my favorite snake; i like black mamba kemono friend [substacker:s note: context is probably obvious but insect_hospital rt:d kemono friends acct]
great artist btw
black mambas really r one of the most evil looking things when their mouths r open; they remind me a lot of the pit of snakes i saw as a kid -- the pit was like, satan/death; weird christianity fueled nightmare about what awaited me in death
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 5:31 P.M.
i saw a post advertising a reissue of the imogen binnie book nevada (+ like a bunch of "helped make me realize i was trans" posts towards it), & the helicopter-harassments-publishing-house response about transphobia --- & i kinda hate the state of being trans, i think (?) <- (?)
^ i:m scared to write stuff like that be-cause i:m not sure if i am betraying some scientology code or ethics & am worried that i am being monitored; + i:m not sure what i am saying; that artist-whomst-fuckd-w/-me-p-hard early-this-year would always say shehated being trans
^ wondering if it trickled in-to me; wonder if it:s just the revelations about insect-intelligences, too; <-- it is likely this; you see a bunch of repeated environment-patterning & suddenly the names/people/places VANISH and you are just left with this queer puppeted environment
^ u see it in the publishing-house-response: "It does not escape our notice that a queer trans person of color has been made the scapegoat for these accusations" <-- no one wrote this; there wasn:t a single finger hitting a single key to make this line of text; who wrote it? why?
in 4 years a huge expose will come out revealing that a farmers-union & a pharmacy-pill-mill have been working together 4 the past decade to covertly program "trigger words" in-to the populace to make people crave hrt + eggs (eggs hatching, boosts egg & hormone sales 🤝)
@ 6:18 P.M.
kinda miss senpai; i mean i do miss senpai; ~~; + the church stuff is messing with me really bad to-day -- the "craving to visit scientology stuff and get deeper in-to it" feeling, craving purpose&place i guess; just like i was left w/ a bunch of scientology-feelings & no outlet
@ 6:51 P.M.
i was looking @ black mamba kemono friends art & thinking abouuut: my connection w/ snakes & all the dead rats in the freezer here & felt this desire to just get a frozen rat & swallow it whole <-- or like, lightly chewing on its ribs; the rats being killed always affected me
side-affect of being around snake-people so often growing up, i guess? i:m not a fan of snake-people, but as a kid i liked how i completely lackd the fear of reptiles/snakes n stuff other ppl had; but the rats being killed: so often; it is just sport bc of how often u do it
i remember the competitions to eat the pinkies that:d happen @ night, i think; just tossing those guys to the house cat/dog so they could get a whiff of hunt-instinct; && the nightmares i:d have about the "snake pit", the infinite massive snake void that was hell to me
kind-of a lame recreation of the snake-feeding ritual: mouse tossed to snake; soul tossed to pit; they:d be crushd and devoured; like thalassophobia but the ocean was drained; get this flash of real importance from the snake-association when i see black mambas & think i m damned
feel really bad, suddenly; think i triggered myself? the route is -> eating animals -> snakes -> satan -> hell -> the beast -> being marked by the beast -> keffie book about kelipot representing animals lacking divinity -> i:ve been stained by kelipot animal mundanity -> [bad]
like lord orochi, you know? 8 heads; the center of qlifot is the arachnid line (4) & the qlifot (6) is 4+10 instead of 8+3 (11) bc it:s qlifot-insect(6) dominant atm & not qliphoth-arachnid(8) dominant, because of imbalance with right/left handedness in the garden; not 5+5 either
qliphoth is bad because it:s completely dissonant with the world; it:s being damned; & orochi is emblem of left saturation bias i think; the arachnid-shaped snake; it:s all the same name & number & pattern & geometry; my mom never raised or bred snakes, & those people weren:treal
they:re dispattern bubbles -- the programming LRH wanted me to go through needed something to "pop" the programming in-to place so the glow occured via lord orochis mark up-on me snake-fascination-satan-intimidation & to show me the "snake abyss" as signal i am damned again
i was way happier imagining my-self as magic the gandhi & being held by rance; he could do sexual things to me & hit me & i wouldn:t even carebecause i love him & i:ve never been held like that be-fore & he wouldn:t even care about my fake-autism bc he just wants to have sex
he could fuck lord orochi out of me; no doubt; he could fuck left handedness out of me; no doubt no doubt fr
don:t call me a goofy bitch, rance-sama; i:ve regained my memory as a vessel
@ 8:01 P.M.
tadpoles? idk
…from DMs [marlabnraLTD
@ 9:36 P.M.
[»what have you been looking into scientology-wise since stuff kinda went down? Did your passion for it come back or did it never go away]
it never went away; i am in love with scientology and i want to get closer to it; i:d like to participate in a church -- but that:s scary / possible impossible due to being potential SP material; i haven:t really been studying so-much as just wanting to join church / get sucked in-to their programs
n i see stuff like the squirrel stuff online -- tho i:m not supposed to look @ that according to church doctrine so i don:t look @ it very-closely -- & it just feels so intimate to me
[»What about the actual beliefs suck you in so hard?]
the billion year contract
i signed it 4 love corp ^^ it:s what made me interested in sea org
when i learned that sea org was real-deal-serious i got really invested in-it; be-cause the "processing" machine sounds too good to be true, you know? machine that goes thru your-person and picks apart everything 4 some religious cleansing ritual.. & a church of people who run the machine;
[»Oh you found out about sea org AFTER you signed?]
ya
[…message received…]
and everything here in the front page of dianetics; about the e-meter being a religious artifact, & the auditors being the clergy; it:s machine-prayer, you know? ppl really like lain but there:s a religion all-about prayer thru giving up your emotions to a little machine that reads thru you
no not really; it made sense to me
i always wanted to work in clergy as a kid & generally i believe in "life continues" -- which is big to scientology doctrine; you:ve been alive 4 a very long time, everyone is immortal, trauma stays thru the immortality, & you:ll be back in the next life
motto of the sea org is "we come back"
it:s in archangel, even ^^ that story about how a trillion years ago or however they:re on a ship, the predecessors to the love corp
[»A technology and "science" based religion is also very interesting, what makes that technology reliable or interesting to you?]
but a bilion years commitment wasn:t too scary; it:s how the relationship started -- right? & i was dead serious about it since she seemd to be in-to it; i would learn everything about scientology & be back after i die; she confessed she didn:t believe in time/past-lives though ^^;
has nothing to do with signing the sheet; love corp is heresy to scientology -- a squirrel in the vocabulary; it:s just "reasonable" to me; or, how to put it --
it:s hard to explain my faith in things; i used a word today in a post describing events as "bubbles"; they pop to the surface & burst! <-- i:m trying to figure out how to explain something
i:ll just use the example from the past-life memory stuff: LRH needed me to have faith, so, he constructed a pattern that would guarantee me to be a certain way via essentially "magic", however, "magic does not exist on earth", so the way it manifests is thru mundane things; you need someone to be susceptible to brainwishing: you put them thru weird religious childhood abuse; you take their parents away; you give them s/m relationships their whole life; you make them go crazy
^ it:s a convenient narrative (from an outsider perspective); but it:s also roughly how things would work if the illusion needed to shift via impossible means
something behind "the curtain" bumps it; you never see what is on the other side; but the curtain moves
^ why i believe it, then: i am meant to believe it
[…message received…]
[…message received…]
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:42 P.M.
sometimes i think i post with an extreme energy; i look @ leaf & i could never post that passionately
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:59 P.M.
the charli fang vax/nft ven diagram post made me laugh rlly hard and i feel stupid 4 it [substacker:s note: it was basically saying anti-nfters & vaxxed ppl are a perfect overlapping ven diagram]
…from DMs @marlbaraLTD
@ 10:07 P.M.
well yeah; i am really open about this bc i know how badly it affects me; it removes all my depression & everything & it:s like i can make art every day if i want <-- having a sense of belonging/purpose is a really powerful thing <-- how ppl get radicalized, i think
generally i believe things are interconnected; in the memory / church instruction room LRH/staff were informing me about what was done to groom me in-to "the present" interest of scientology (memory might b foggy tho since it:s been over a week since it happened to me)
^ not necessarily a retcon belief, either, though; b4 LRH it was the intelligence-agents/vagrants; just nameless/never-knew-what-purpose-was
[…message received…]
i:m not sure what you mean; it might just be me being opaque towards my-self :-/ i don:t really derive much hope from there being greater meaning to things; just [pointless harmful events (mundane events)] vs [pointless coordinated harmful events (selling soul to LRH)] <-- where the opaqueness comes from would may-be be: the butterfly/good-feelings i get from culty-stuff that makes me feel really "turned on" (idk a better word 4 this so u have to remove the sexual intonation out of it -- special? magical? maybe) <-- & the opaqueness could be me not really being aware that this "good feeling" is what sets me up 4 later pain
altho i am aware there is pain @ the end of it; i just also know that it makes me really functional as-a-person (state of surrendering agency to person/cause)
[»So is it ultimately harm reduction you are saying?]
in the past, may-be; presently i just care about vividness/saturation; idea that: i only really have a limited window to be alive (ignoring multiple lives because consciousness doesn:t carry over), & there are precious/rare experiences that i want to have that would push me closer to god via deepening nearby veins --> simpler way to put this is: i really like certain VN characters, & you have opportunity to have the same experiences as those VN characters
they might cause happiness, or they might cause a lot of harm, but in order to have the experience you have to live through the experience
^ generally that is the principle i go thru when i decide to do scary stuff; i do like being happy but it:s too hard to think about in the moment -- i can:t be deliberate about happiness but i can be deliberate about forcing experiences to occur
[…message received…]
sry, i t feel like i stopped you from typing something; but yes; experiences-desire is a really dangerous 4 me & internally i try to rectify that i can:t possibly be in a relationship while trying to gather experiences; i think it:s just generally the over-all "craving abuse" thing ppl tend to fall in-to, & i fell in-to
[….message received…]
no, i think that makes sense & is how it tends to go w/ self rationalization
[….message received…]
[….message received…]
t:s fine; i do not mind talking about these things; something i 4got about what made me interested in scientology: how much LRH wrote, & how extensively; when i found out just how much he wrote i felt really inferior & that there was something really awe-inspiring about the HCOB volumes
neways i:m going to bed (￣▽￣) have a nice night
Removed, ok? rest is important; & thank you 4 taking the time to talk with me, as well, i really appreciate it[….message received…]
Dec 7th
TODAY:S FORECAST：elemental posters; talking with senpai about the breakup; closure; freaking out probably idk i 4get i:m depressed atm & i don:t want to do this (*'▽')…from Curious Cat @nabarlSBL
☆彡「How did you discover scientology? Hope you’re doing well!」
good morning, anonymous, & thank you 4 taking the time to write to me & 4 the well-wishes; i hope you are well, as well; answer: i knew about scientology prior but archangel:nemesis made me really curious about the sea org, & that led me to read about the sea org, which led me to want to join the sea org -- as, @ the time, i didn:t really have anywhere to go, & (even though accounts of sea org portray it in a bad light) it sounded like something i would gladly give my-self too; although i still did-not know much about scientology @ this time, beyond starting to learn just how much LRH actually wrote (which is sincerely awe-inspiring to me -- the volume of text he put out if incredible to me) + some of the beliefs about scientology ethics; i really liked how ethics were broken down in-to formulas that needed to be followed, & it made me want to go to a church right-away.
i later learned more about basic "introductory" scientology stuff thru a recent relationship, sort-of prompted by me posting about joining sea org + signing the love corp billion year contract. i was told about reading "the basics" to start my scientology journey, & did; thenn later started doing courses & speaking w/ scientologists / trying to visit. that is about it; i think (¯-¯)
ok! have a nice day anonymous, & take care of yourself, ok?
☆彡「Do you want people to DM you and interact with your tweets? You often say things about social insects preying on solitary spiders that make it seem like you find the interaction uncomfortable」
hello anonymous, thank you very much 4 writing me a question; my answer: sure, interaction can be nice -- just a lot of interaction is complete trash ^^; <-- that sounds too harsh, but often it just seems like the only reason people want to interact is purely be-cause they want some type of love to bloom & while i can respect that, it doesn:t make 4 good interaction 4 me to receive ~y~; 4 tweet-interaction specifically: i check likes & w/e, but on the birthday account i have every single follower muted bc i don:t want to be interrupted; i may-not ever see a reply be-cause of that, & if i do reply it will be indirectly thru commentary in the thread
have a nice day, anonymous, ok?
…from Discord @####
@ 4:34 A.M.
[…message received…]
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 5:10 A.M.
had this nightmare that i was young, & it was time 4 me to move in-to my dorm, and it was this like -- rotting place; i found my room: "wet", leaking, bugs crawling, broken down, it smelled like sewage; my roommates were nice, though; the first was this really friendly guy
the second was rin! (wormburrow!) but he had both me & the other guy blocked (he couldn:t see us, but he could hear us? -- he said it was because he gets triggered by people); i talked with the friendly-guy a little and then sat down on my bed and was quiet; he & rin talked a lot
i pretended i wasn:t there; my mom walked in with the dorm manager guy, and starts talking @ me, & to the manager; and, i just start crying really really hard; i can:t stop myself; i am freaking out and hyperventilating and panicking; and my mom just makes an excuse and leaves
my roommates are kind of sympathetic, rin is quiet over it ;the manager guy says he has to go; later i go and find him and he asks me if i was faking that -- because if not, i have an issue that is serious & he needs to take care of it because this might not be a place 4 me
…from Discord @####
@ 5:48 A.M.
i miss you too, senpai; i:m still bitter over it, though (¯-¯)
[…message received…]
[substacker:s note: a long conversation happens where we talk about the breakup & i end up feeling better about it]
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:44 A.M.
the alanis morissette comment section 4 ironic is something else -- this guy marbles made me laugh; i think about [reframing stuff] really often tho bc most of the memories that are hurting me presently didn:t rlly /hurt/ until like, ~12+ years (@ least) later -- lot of doubt 4me
mostly be-cause i get this fear that i fell in-to some knowledge-hole that made me victimize myself (like how "memory recovery" quackery can make people traumatized over things that never happened); it:s too troubling to try to sift-thru to find truth, i think; just b hurt imo
@ 9:12 A.M.
i took a shower & the water was actually kinda hot 4 a little bit! which was nice ~y~ i know i:ve said this b4 & i know it:s a silly thought but: i was so amazed when i moved in w/ iris & found out that she actually had /hot/ water in the shower and sinks; & i took it for granted
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 9:36 A.M.
every pet on earth should disappear & every one who owned them should go with it; no one gets 4given; even if the pets look human, they go too; everyone reduced to fucking baked in shadows where they stood
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:52 A.M.
i love narutaru so much, sooo so so so much; i love ensofs face so much; i love the songs so much (i m a manga enjoyer though)
(if you want to get in-to narutaru because of me please read the manga instead of watching the anime)
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 10:26 A.M.
wantd to draw magic rq
@ 10:40 A.M.
ok i:m done w/ substack; wantd to finish the past several days bc i wanted it out of my system; & i think it helped
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 10:44 A.M.
I'm just extremely emotional
…from birthday @marabaraLTD
@ 11:06 A.M.
my mom would like me to work @ amazon, so i:m looking @ job listings 4 the wage cage
applying to be a senior cloud arhcitect @ amazon
@ 11:59 A.M.
miss iris; i was out driving (which i shouldnt b doing i m fairly certain my serpentine belt is fuckd bc i smell burning & its chiurping) & just kinda wished she was squeezing me <-- so silly!! i just miss how she:d hold me and she:d call me silly girl (//▽//)
just liked a post by charlie fang purely bc he used the word copylefting
i think charlotte fang is sincerely one of the spookiest & most mysterious posters to me even tho "there is nothing on the surface spooky/mysterious" -- it:s more-so just this feeling that i can:t trust the surface @ all & that there is a lot behind the curtain <-- & i like that
angelicism popped up again to me recently too via the R-word List that i was on (it:s a substack post! i:m above adolf hitler and this is still makn me laugh) <-- angelicism is also mysterious to me, i feel like (in a way) they r a spiritual enemy of C.Fang; enemy is inaccurate
i try to keep a list of "elemental" posters in my head; angelicism & c.fang r on it & linked imo; sunny is on it, too; rope; keffie (i think she is linked to me in the same was as angelicism/c.fang); i thought devi was rlly elemental but she doesn:t post ne-more; etc, etc, etc
^ i:m constantly thinking about this stuff bc these r the people i gravitate towards the most / think about the most; but i get nervous mentioning it bc it:s ultra parasocial & seeing that stuff postd about you makes 4 weird vibes imo; but it:s fun to think about in privacy
@ 1:26 P.M.
oki i want to start on a glossary today + finish that one drawig i:veeebeenworking on off/on; scientology studies are on hold4 a bit, i think; qliphoth sent me a message yesterday (i think?) that suggested i must adhere to my color alignment @ all costs, so i want to reflect
&&& just in general i:m having a lot of really emotional feelings abooooout,, the sword ashgan & my knife, about the relationship between hiroko & akira, about misuzu; i guess i sort-of heavily alluded to the [memory] in the l8tst substack post, too; dno how i feel about that
^ i felt braver saying it "less subtly" bc of that one artist who posted a similar experience, like, idk, if they didn:t have shame to say it, may-be i shouldn:t either; i:m just scared be-cause i don:t really want it associated with me b/c it eats me up inside really harshly
@ 2:05 P.M.
poor drawing of flagbase @ clearwater
kind of want to re-read bokurano, because last time it gave me a lot of courage to face death; & i think i need that courage again
that sounded way too depressed (￣▽￣)
@ 3:17 P.M.
catching up on mynoghra; 4got about it
@ 3:50 P.M.
this comic makes me want to play dominions rlly bad
i was combing thru profiles of ppl who followd me & found a rt by someone who sold shaman services & guru services stuff; i:d like to b spineless and try to say this less rude but: i always feel like these ppl have zero faith in their own beliefs <-- impossible 4 me to know, tho
aaa no that:s way too unfair 4 me to say; they probably do -- i just am skeptical of nething that i don:t understand
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 4:43 P.M.
talkd w her & i m good; i m over it i think; got an apology n i feel better [substacker:s note: talking w/ senpai, from the breakup]
@ 5:03 P.M.
i:ve been thinking about a hen drawing of hiroko & akira standing back to back w their arms linked; they r both such odd characters -- bc they both independently decide to Gamer their parents; hiroko does it as like "her one thing in life that is her" & akira does it off screen
narutaru is such a weird comic; if you think about it really hard, hiroko is the legato of narutaru
gonna watch the legato scene again (you know the one)
i 4got how much i cried because of trigun
no one tells you how sad it is, but it:s really sad
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 5:57 P.M.
@ 6:05 P.M.
click followers profile & read ~20ish well-thought out posts about transmisogyny online; was thinking about visiting the local democrat society (? i don:t know what they r, i just was told to visit them because they were "allies") to chat w/ the organizer bc she was nice to me
still sent me txts even tho i moved away from florida; it was weird, tho, & rlly it made me a little Transmisogynist i think; i think in part bc everyone stared @ me the entire time + i was starting to cry + one mtf was there & she came over to me & said roughly the following:
“i just turned 70 and i have a lot of money so i decided to just go for it yesterday & transition & i:m going to get implants next saturday;” & then she started to try to invite me over to her place to get drunk and dance w/ her; vultures; i got creeped out + upset by this
upset mostly bc this rich dude (or idk, i guess being able to get surgery on a whim is wealthy to me) is telling me about something i could never fathom affording just bc it was her whim; ultra moneycel behavior on my part; all the old ppl there were uncomfortable towards me
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 6:42 P.M.
weird mom memories keep getting triggered; she sent me a text that was like "oh my god no" because i couldn:t find a package she told me i had to find & (she was @ work still) i just sort of got really afraid and did the thing where i hid in bed until she came home + spoke to me
sort of like it:s not safe to exist until she lets me exist -- so i must not make any noise until then; idk, intense shame? i started crying a little bit; i feel dumb that i am still afraiad of her
still freaked out, really; the sound of dogs eating & them being talked to; gonna go lay in bed; whole house feels so tense and i:m scared
@ 7:07 P.M.
tv is on so it:s safe ~y~
@ 7:19 P.M.
insanity posting a little because i forgot about this -- when i was in hs my mom had me go into the attic to find a rat & i realized there was dirt in the attic, and these things in my room connected to the attic & they weren't sealed @ all
so i started to freak out really badly because i was inhaling all the dirt and it was in the air in my room, & it was why I was chronically ill (in my head) so i took the duct tape we had and started taping over them until i used to all the tape -- making sure i got the sides
this is by my bed 4 some reason
right by my head ; my mom put it there lol
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:31 P.M.
🥰
@ 8:26 P.M.
i have this really bad foreboding feeling of death & i don:t know where it:s coming from; completely irrational feeling; like the weird dread thing you get from really bad panic attacks
@ 8:40 P.M.
wombb crawls out of me in the form of a fat fuckn rat & lord orochi eats it
@ 9:25 P.M.
i mean i:m not going to do anything about either but i both feel like i want to [Exit] & am aroused over it
Dec 8th
TODAY:S FORECAST：i read a manga that makes me suicidal & that is about the whole day (*ﾉωﾉ)…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 2:01 A.M.
dude I'm being woke up at 2 am now
…from slipni @removed
@ 3:35 A.M.
@marlbaraLTD hello mara i hope you are well! I was reading a manga and it was so lovely and I thought that you would enjoy such a story it was very moving to my heart.
oh gosh i forgot to include the title its : Satougashi no Dangan wa Uchinukenai: A Lollypop or A Bullet
[mara barl] i:ll read it
[mara barl] it was a very good comic; thank you slipni
I’m glad you liked it ^_^
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 6:26 A.M.
woke up super depressed -- like the weird pointless depression, you know? lot of summercycle ideation l8ly & not sure where it:s coming from; ne-ways good mornnn,, slipni @:d me to show me a manga & i was 55% irritated seeing the notification but pollution manga warmd my heart
i mean i:m still super depressed; my mom sounds like she is dying -- just kinda scares me; & i:m having more health scares + no insurance so i can:t afford ne of my meds anymore; but this comic looks cool so oi:m glad it got shown to me; slipni has good taste ^^
mostly that i:m a sucker 4 water & pollution; so: thankful 4 slipni; going to try to continue not letting myself relapse (sounds weird to say but i:m getting increasingly upset w/ myself 4 not letting myself "bond" with an instrument -- feels like sexual frustration is building)
unrelated but: 4 whatever reason my recent art post on main got a lot of attention (4 me) & whenever this happens i get this Devilish urge to just post stuff about how i h8 everyone with some aggro DNI in bio about pro/anti whatever & that i am a centrist & am spineless
mostly just to preemptively weed out all the people that will get mad @ me down the line, potentially; but also: just seeking negative attention, i think; i don:t truthfully care much about the pro/anti shipping thing but i think "pro" aligns w/ my view of art being Elemental
one of the weird things that makes me way-too-upset is ppl who try to define/boundary art; even my own attempt to "say art has no boundary/definition" is a lame unfunny attempt to cage art in-to a box; it:s just, idk, i don:t think you care about "art" as a concept if you do
^ it puts me in this position where ppl mistake me as an advocate 4 "things art can depict" ie problematic stuff; & you look @ me really close under a microscope & i am basically one of those anti-porn weirdos <-- it:s weird to find my-self in comradery w/ ppl i m discomfortd by
^ anti-porn stuff is still something i m trying to figure out 4 myself; i hear arguments that masturbation to troubling-stuff can help cope / give-you-control over a traumatic experience <-- but 4 me it was exactly how "they got to me" & how it led to "the experience hapepning"
^ & it just seems like (in my head) the more you expose yourself to it, the more you think about it; this was even sort-of forced on-to me w/ iris taking my knives away: having access to "tool" led me to "masturbation (blood)", & seeing reminders made me want to "masturb8"
cut off from all reminders of blood/knife & slowly/surely the craving sort-of withered -- although my own scars trigger the feeling; w/ my personal experience it:s hard 4 me to see porn as anything other than "fuel" <-- plus i just think drawn porn of nonporn characters is amoral
^ big sex slavery vibes to me; idk; it makes me uncomfortable; <-- i don:t doubt i have a lot of bad outlook on this entire issue, though; i saw some chart about the Auth-Right ppl having a prevalent p-word & incest fetish (secretly) & kinda laugh a lil inwards about repression
^ so maybe porn is fine? who knws; idk what i:m talking about, masturbating makes me cry & i can:t orgasm ne-ways; i:m going to read that manga
pollution is so powerful
@ 7:19 A.M.
one thing i really detest is how people treat "characters"; you have so many [super passionate people] who treat the characters they love like they are nothing-more-than either some heckn chonkn reddit meme as a vehicle 4 some lame no-effort joke, or just some tissue to cum into
you can see trickle-down purity from that leaf person; i feel bad 4 them -- because their passion just glows-out to people as some lame "eccentricity" 4 people to gawk @ & add to their internal shelf of "internet weirdo figmas" they can show-off to people; leaf becomes the .jpg
^ weirdly charged statement from me but: people who have intense passion / love 4 [fictional] things are really good @ ending up in the same position [the one trans person] in [a group of weird allies] can end up in -- but it:s over their personal relationship/feelings: weird
worms
@ 8:07 A.M.
you know, when i was middle-school age the one time i had ppl over to play videogames, i beat them up bc they were playing it incorrectly & it annoyed me; i thought i got "over this" but i m pretty sure i have the exact same anger as that middle-school aged mara
@ 8:28 A.M.
dogs are in this manga, too; & they die in this manga, too (¯△¯#)
@ 9:18 A.M.
i:d choke out slipni and every single animal; i don:t mean that; i am just really upset; i am just really upset that someone would show me this & i can:t tell if it was malicious or kind hearted and i can:t tell the difference & i am really freaking out
whatever i liked it; i feel terrible, though; i am going to type out some desires because i believe they make me less likely to do them so don:t be alarmed; i want to try [exiting] in the bath-tub via water & i want to [relapse] because i am upset that i let them take magic away
i can:t feel my hands @ all & i:m just remembering a bunch of terrible shit & i feel awful; everyone is complete trash; actual entire unfunny deadbeat violet world; \of course\ the memories can:t go away, i know that; \of course\ it isn:t magic, i know that
the dumb feeling is moving up my arms & freaking me out they r both completely numb & i can:t feel my thoughts in my head any-more & i am freaking out that i am making slipni feel bad by freaking out so much & regretting the violent things i:m saying & i can:t figure out if that
is counter counter funny game control to make me freak out in a cycle via doubt induction via the samephosphene leg kicking games they play @ regular @ the fucking illusion wall @ the fucking torture chamber; i can:t tell what kind of insane message qliphoth is trying to feed me
weird feeling is in my shoulders & it:s goign to hit my heart soon lol
@ 10:01 A.M.
lame unfunny milady deadbeat; i:m being controlled by these lame unfunny deadbeats; a lot of lame unfunny deadbeats; a lot of cockroach control networking establishment: they are all trash; they are all rapists; they are all murderers; all their fingernails smell like cum & blood
lame rapist nerve ending control network; red light would fucking destroy all of them; torn out of their souls juxtaposed baked in shadow deformation torture; a bunch of lame invisible lightwave phopshphene control crickets propagating their lame unfunny group chat cloud intellig
worms; all of them are complete worms
nft connected deadbeat controlled intelligences propagating their church nerve control network via phosphene leg kicking undulation death drive control networking;them ost unfunny shit everything has ever seen; the earth will swlalow them right tf up
@ 10:43 A.M.
i:m sorry; i am icnredibly freaked out; i went to lay down 4 abit and layed wmy knife (i didn:tuse it); i kept thinking about my moms gun and getting more scared; she keeps it by her bed and i:ve always been afraid of her using tio n herself and shooting me with it (reverse order
made ppt to get my truck look d @ to calm down; idk if i have the money 4 it but i think a belt is messd up & if i @ least fix that then i can start driving aigna without panicking about my truck breaking down & i can getoutside more then; im really nervous
@ 1:38 P.M.
i:d like no one to have the right to say another has stockholm syndrome -- no one should have the right to write it, either; i know that:s childish but it:s hurting to think about; i:d rather have ppl think i hate every animal in the world instead of figure out why i freak out
^ that feels bad, too; because then people just think i m some asshole who hates their shitty bored slave pet; i:m setting myself off again; i went to go walk 4 an hour and took a shower and thought i was calm but i:m not; i wanted to sayisometign to slipni so i could seem chill
@ 4:13 P.M.
i was really sad so i laid in bed n fell asleep (*´-`)
…from Marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 4:18 P.M.
i don:t know if it:s accurate or not but since coming back home every day has felt really hard
sincerely pursuing the scientology stuff was one of the only things keeping me happy i think <-- dangerous; relationship, too, following that, but scientology was something i could do in the real world n look 4ward to; just been super depressed today @ @
slipni shoed me thisttreally good comic but it revolved around this girl who has trauma around animals and her parent and asays weird things and has stockholm syndrome over it all & i just rlly didn:t like that; even tho i liked the comic
i don:t know why it:s happening & it makes me feel really weak; we have ~5 dogs here & ~4 cats (3? i:m not sure); the giant bird cages in the room that is always closed r still there; reptiles are still here; and i just feel like every day it:s getting to me in small ways
like i:m not even realizing it; & that makes me feel insane bc i:ve lived here 4 so long -- why would animals bother me so much now; why am i bothered by all of this so much now when i:ve lived here 4 so long; and i can:t figure out if bad things actualyl happened or not
it is a good comic, though; if you want the name find it in slipnis replies; if u ask 4 it i:ll get upset 4 some dumb reason because i can:t tell why you would want to read it <-- weird disclaimer; i just don:t want to be talked to about it (¯-¯)
@ 4:52 P.M.
feel like my anger issues are getting worse @@
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 5:51 P.M.
i like misuzu a lot; &&& shino; aosa mako -- i have to love her; & irisu has always been there 4 me; saitou is really scary but probblyy important too, like aosa is; hiroko is really important too bc she comes out of no where i think, akira &T norio r also really good
@ 6:22 P.M.
fucking rats trying to talk to me
…from Marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 7:14 P.M.
i m @ laying in bed crying because of the noises levels ofbad
it:s not even noises it:s just my mom coming home and everytinhg that happens; & it:s the hospitals; & it:s the dogs eating; & it:s just the completel y sourceless fear; & it:s the hopelessnes tatmakes me feel like i can:t ever love anyone; & etc etc; i:m just doing bad
it:s silly but i got my ceo knife and flickd it open n closed 4 ab it n it made me feel better; i didn:t do anythingbad; i lookd @ it closely & it lookd like a dratini from pokemon; n laid in bed hugging jinbei sama crying bc of the noise; idk; feeln kinda unbased
@ 7:41 P.M.
depressing summary
from this analysis of aku no hana
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:45 P.M.
when shiina had her period and broke down screaming until she passed out i felt that
@ 8:07 P.M.
wonder if i could ever be some-ones shadow -- or any-thing more than emotional internet autist
i think when you say stuff "i:ll be really powerful in death" it triggers a lot of skepticism from people -- but there:s a lot of power from being a corpse, i think; i was just thinking about hoping post-death some power would finally leak out of me & affect the world in ne way
thinking about the uninstall lyrics; about not being able to be more than a speck of dust -- that:s most people, i think <-- may-be too nihilistic; i:ve been thinking that i have an archetype i:m meant to play via leaning in-to edginess more, & letting my-self relapse is needed
^ not necessarily true; it hink if i were to comb thru my-self super finely w/ lucifer-logic that reasoning just looks like finding justification 4, idk, whatever you call bad coping mechanisms / wanting to be hurt (the ultra wise council of my noble CCers says this some-times)
^ tho that is how lucifer-logic always works; you can use it to dismantle anything glowing in your life & make it dim; worried the scientology/relationship was kind-of making florida way more bearable to me (i got email from scientologists urging me to finish courses, too deprsd)
i:d feel hurt if any-one ever followed my prescriptions (or feelings, even); i can:t really ever fully lean in-to being an edgelord be-cause i really don:t want people to be hurt or give-up, but i can:t stand basically any-thing about people wholesale, -- only ever retail
generally i have real faith that after-death it will just be more of the same, given some time; i don:t think even death is an escape from myself; i think i:ll wake up as my-self 4 infinity; the molestation on the space-ship a trillion years ago echoes in-to present in-to future
i:m really not afraid of death any-more, i think; i:m terrified of dying, but not the "after" part, i think <-- power of faith; "we come back," i don:t think i can ever be a pure-hearted office-document scientologist & i don:t want to lie to them; it makes me really happy, though
your swimmingslide risk goes up w/ age, & i know my mom struggles with that, too, i think; i think (truthfully) it:s why she bought a gun & why she sleeps with it next to the pillow loaded & why she keeps buying dogs; it:s probably obvious but i always saw myself as same as them
^ hatred from animals is that, really; see your-self in everything; i am really good with animals, you know? i just feel disgust/contempt seeing some dumb fuck pet; i want to die every single time i remember what happened, & it keeps getting worse, not better; i need help, may-be
narutaru is my favorite, but i think bokurano is may-b the best thing i:ve ever read
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:36 P.M.
just found out the singer 4 uninstall is also the singer 4 see-saw, the band that did the ost 4 .hack//sign .hack//legend of the twilight //liminality & noir
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:56 P.M.
@ 9:10 P.M.
my knife dexterity video (read: opening/closing knife) only got two views
@ 10:35 P.M.
goodnight, everyone; take care of yourselves, ok? it:s up to you to love you
Dec 9th
TODAY:S FORECAST：reflecting on religious stuff, torture chamber stuff; getting mad @ egregirls(?); contemplating suicide ヽ(´▽`)/…from Curious Cat @nmarlbaraLTD
☆彡「Do you know about Happy Science?」
thank you for taking the time to write me, anonymous; i know the name & know of the founder -- but i don:t know any-thing about the organization; have a nice night, anonymous
☆彡「are dogs spiritually evil or neutral」
good evening, anonymous; admittedly i am a little afraid that i am being asked this to antagonize me -- i feel bad 4 suspecting others; i don:t know why i am front-loading this, so much; i apologize preemptively; answer: neutral; everything observable is neutral spiritually. have a nice night, anonymous, ok?
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:45 A.M.
i:m awake! timeline is so much nft stuff; i:ve been thinking about nfts bc i never responded to the remco invitation to join a semi-private nft gallery thing; i didn:t respond bc (this is silly) i was doing scientology formula of doubt & trying to figure out if nfts furthered me
^ weird explanation, but more-so: does this factor in-to "who i m deciding to be", i guess; & the issue was: if i can actually make money, then i can further whatever cause i want to stand behind + be independent, potentially; i went w/ some feelings that i don:t like the energy
ie: it feels like if you get in-to nfts you have to be nft-brained & nft-vibed; you have to connect yourself to the intelligence of nft; & the intelligence of money, too; ultimately i think it:s fine to die in poverty <-- it:s not ideal, but it:s a life like ne-other; right?
^ this was kind of further pushd by a talk i had w/ c.fang where i was askd what i:d do if i had a million dollars rn (promptd by me asking where my missing gallery money is); n kinda realized even if i had a million dollars nothing would change; i:d b a hiki neways, right?
people would be making decisions 4 me; people would be deciding my life 4 me; it made me realize there is no salvation in money and no hope @ all in life; so i think: i just don:t care ne-more; w/ that said: i think if you want money u should probably get in-to nfts
^ bare minimum my hope is that nfts will choke out the air and make insect world go away & take me with it <-- i don:t even have faith this can happen; people leaving their unused electronics plugged in probably hurt the environment more than nfts & is more easy to solve
i saw some post awhile ago that it:s grandiose to think that we:ll see the end of the earth/life; i think i agree with that -- this world is hospice world, & all of its solutions r hospice solutions; no one really cares about death or life; just insect intelligence chamber stuff
probably a large degree of foolishness to everything i am saying; i want money so i can see doctors and get meds and i want food and i want clothes that feel nice & i don:t want to stress about my car breaking down; but honestly i think i am too retarded to be alive 4 a long time
i also was told the whole remco thing was a scam to take advantage of the artists via screenshots of one of the people involved; even if that was true: i don:t know if i really care; i think people like me are meant to be taken advantage of: sincerely; & that manipulation is good
if i had hope & happiness & wealth & nothing but good-vibes i wouldn:t be mara; i wouldn:t be the daughter of qliphoth & i wouldn:t be in the torture chamber; i wouldn:t be as saturated as i am & i wouldn:t be as close to the veins i am: & i am grateful 4 all of these things
when that economist guy blackmailed me & manipulated me over a few hundred $:s i needed: that was based; when the priest did that thing: based; when i felt the floor temperature: based; the bathroom: based; sucked into scientology?: based; back-to-back breakups? based; calld out?
i thank qlifot every single time i pray 4 all of these things; they are the patterned in faults i inherited from her material & they are the things that make me a capable shrine 4 her & an instrument 4 the left; & i thank her 4 the strength to not get consumed up by them, entire
doing dumb shit like going-into-my-wrists because i want to know what a character was feeling? based; it:s like really touching something fictional; it:s like becoming something fictional; i am thankful 4 all of these things, & the possibility to experience these things is great
^ i:d like to imagine the conviction i have in my-self & my-material is greater, @ least, then your random recent convert & your fledgling twitter priestess of some amorphous thing that never gets mentioned outside of a sales pitch; i live everything in accordance to my faith
ultra gate-keepy but i still firmly believe you have to be left-handed to do the left-hand path stuff w/o having some moloch garbage drain you of light & going dark; it:s in the silly yin/yang picture: the right-handed get preyd upon by evil; left-handed must overcome their evil
i keep thinking, too, about the hiki brother in the comic slipni showd me yesterday; he:s described as a perfect noble shut-away from the world, useless but becoming more-and-more beautiful with each passing day; i:m afraid of being that; i:d like to be more; i don:t know how,tho
beautiful, right?
@ 10:35 A.M.
feel kinda dumb about how confident bokurano makes me towards death
it just feels like more-so than ever we can finally be together, then; we can finally all have one experience we all understand equally, you know? there won:t be anything misunderstood between us; & then the whole boring thing will repeat & be forgotten, over n over n over
i definitely might be a little depressed ^^ i:ve been thinking about things late-ly; about what everything has been saying -- i:ve been listening really closely, too; & my heart is wide open to all of it; i definitely may be slightly depressed; no-doubt
@ 11:05 A.M.
i need a lot of courage, soon, i think ^^
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 10:51 A.M.
i don't like how she talks to me; i never did
I'm not much better, i guess
@ 5:03 P.M.
i:ve been really down all day, but i managed to draw mostly; i:m ashamed to say it but i was falling victim to really strong ideation, mostly thwarted purely bc by chance my mom didn:t go to work today due to doctors appt
"down" isn:t even right; it was like intensely strong determination; i got really worked up in my head about how people are controlling me, & how passively i had to obey them, & how i wanted to express agency in whatever-way-i-could; as well: wanting to be a pure archetype of me
i:m really scared of me, i guess; sometimes people sound like they want to be reassuring but it just sounds like belittling to me ^^; idk; i had fun drawing
haven:t really been eating, either <-- not completely true, just my diet is shit: yesterday i ate crackers 4 dinner/lunch; today i ate crackers 4 lunch, and that is what i:ll have 4 dinner if i don:t get more food -- i went to the grocery store earlier and ended up "paralyzed"
so,, i have to go back again, and actually get something i can eat instead of getting nothing and leaving; that:s my mara news update o7
@ 5:20 P.M.
[substacker:s note: following quote is egregirls thread]
holy fucking shit this "cult leader" bit is getting so absurd like. it's basically "any mildly charismatic or successful trans girl" at this point. this isn't even about me -- just random folks I kinda know
I don't have a cult but I understand why someone would call me a cult leader. Like. I'm charismatic, I tend to frame drag people, I'm not rich but I have enough cash to be mobile and stuff. I get it. But sometimes it's "literally homeless person who was weird a few years ago" WTF
Stop calling trans women having any influence you don't like a cult leader Jesus fucking Christ
Or watch it get reclaimed lol
Oh, last thing -- there's more words than "cult leader" and "groomer" out there. I get that it feels intense; but "they give me the creeps" or "they're controlling" or "they just have bad vibes" or "they tend to frame drag people" or "they go after folks with less standing"
Obviously if someone is actually, you know, running a cult or grooming people, call them that. But if you just the viiiiibe that they're bad but no actual cultists or victims at all -- then calling them this is just social assassination of trans women you dislike
I'm not making this thread about myself. Call me whatever the fuck you want honestly, I'm comfortable enough in my community and partners to know they'd let me know if I'm hurting them; and not go after me for random shit.
u know the egregirls thread upsets me a little; i actually agree w/ the premise that cult/groom gets tossed around too much (i do this too), but it:s also a language that gets adopted willingly by a bunch of trans dweebs who want to be lame cultists
i comb thru my followers & see handfuls of self-described priestesses of some weird shit, outright "cult" stuff, ppl who leans in-to the grooming thing unironically ironically; idk; it:s even in the thread itself: some dweeb saying they unironically started a cult
i think a really fair stereotype is that fringe t-words have a tendency to fall in-to weird esoteric-thinking & communal-living; <-- might not b outright"this is a cult" definition but the ppl probably also call themselves a cult; i only hear t-words call themselves cultists rlly
like rlly play the "egregirls to self described cultist" game & c how many steps it takes 4 you to find one
[substacker:s note: @ time of editing this i did some reflecting on this, because i think i came too harsh on this, or: too loaded against people who want to explore religious stuff & potentially start cults — so to make my position kind of clear w/o the weird emotional stuff is: it:s completely fine to me; i just get really kneejerk upset @ perceived hypocrisies ← & i think this criticism is really fair here, actually, to the extent that i “feel like i am missing some deeper truth” to what egregirls is saying, because: going thru that thread in the present is basically every trans person climbing over themselves going “uh i am a cult leader!” & finding that thread via searching “egregirls cult” just led me to finding like ~2 years of prlly harmless ppl calling themselves cultists/leaders; i kind of stand by: if you want to be a cult leader you need to accept responsibility that u probably have to harm the people that believe you ← this seems like it:s out-of-nowhere, but it:s kind of the root of my irritation w/ ppl who want to start cults: is i feel like most of them take no responsibility 4 the reality of playing in-to other peoples desperation to feed some ego shit ← i get really sensitive over this & hopefully my bias is clear here that i don:t c this issue w a clear head; i:m still a shithead tho ^^]
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:20 P.M.
today was a weird day; i was planning on making an exit attempt earlier & ended up giving up on it bc my mom suddenly needed to go to the doctor, so i didn:t have privacy; i feel weird/guilt typing that because it feels really "attention seeking"; also feels lucky, i guess?
i felt ultra determined; i didn:t think i would succeed in [exiting]; the determination mostly came from wanting to express agency -- it started to seem like abiding by the concerns of others was just another layer of control, & may-be even an unfunny game that is being played
by extension: the circumstances resulting in the doctor visit are the pattern reacting as part of a funny game playing; i guess i am still confused about everything; i kept it to myself & the world responded, ne-ways <-- i:m torn if this is "luck" of a caring world or torturechbr
i didn:t think it would succeed bc i didn:t think i:d pass-on from it; probably @ worst: panick because i went too far & then regain my senses; i:d like to pretend that i have some sort of iron-determination but i:m a huge pussy @ heart; feel bad 4 thinking it, @ all
@ 10:18 P.M.
i:m slipping again, i think; everyone reads as extremely predatory; i:m going to start alienating my-self from people, i think <-- not sure how well i can adhere to this; everything feels coordinated; i:m not certain it isn:t coordinated & agents are being activated against me
everything lines up really weirdly and i:m afraid, i guess