2021/12/07 leaving florida arc pt 4 {end}

Dec 3rd - Dec 5th

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Dec 3rd

★TODAY:S FORECAST：surprising weather; suddenly overcast (≧▽≦)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:40 A.M.

1. i:m awake; i wasn:t doing very good last night ~,~

@ 7:06 A.M.

2. wish i as in boogiepop world; i:m still really moody, i think; going to try to b chill n draw today n keep to myself, but @ least i want to say that i wish i wasin boogiepop world bc ilove boogiepop, & i love misuzu; & i love narutaru, too; i wish i could hold ensof w/ my hands

3. wish i could stab ensof and feel it; and wish i could hold ensof n feel it; & i want to feel ensof crashing thru the air, too; and i want to feel what its like when i box my vessel up in cardboard n stuff it into a closet bc the sensations are too mujch to bear & losign that half

4. i want to hold my shadow dragon and kiss it and i want to bury my face in-to it and cry; & i want to empty out what-ever weird liquid is inside ppl n pour it all in-to ensof and leave everything behind & occult & finally get out of the torture chamber time track life cycles

5. ok; play it w/ me, ok?

   

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:02 A.M.

6. today we r not going to be chill probably but i:m gonna act that way ~,~

7. i think two things hve made me realized i may just be schizophrenic, recently: 1) i react insanely bad to weed now, to the point that i m scared of being high again -- which is sad bc it works amazing for pain, 2) i had a moment of clarity about delusion of reference

8. 2) follow-up: on the drive back from clearwater, i saw a guy do the OK symbol outside of driver-side window while driving; & thought "if i was crazy i:d think it was a signal that he was an scn agent stalking me" & then realized i have these exact thoughts constantly from things

9. this is part of the reason why i am getting upset, i guess; i don:t think i want to speak to ppl atm; it:s one of those things where i feel like nething neone could say would feel belittling or aggressive; just in "want to disappear" mode but trying to keep together; going out o7

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:59 A.M.

10. get upset when i see keffie is hurt & people respond with dumb jokes related to nothing xcept self-interest; i understand that ppl respond to situations differently, but it:s still sad when someone is clearly in pain & your environment tries to turn it in-to a bit & a circus

11. ^ probably out of line here; just frustrated w/ ppl

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:19 A.M.

12. this color scheme is way nicer w the red; i want to finish this today n draw more; i don:t mean to sound alarming but i:m in "i want to s/h reallty badly" & am trying to pour it into drawing instead bc i feel ultra evil

    

13. drawing is so hard so often, tho

…from Discord @####

14. […message received…]

15. you:re over aghere again;

16. i:m still not doing very good; i think i just need to draw 4 a bit; love you senpai

17. […message received…]

@ 10:57 P.M.

18. […message received…]

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27. i feel badbecause i feel inadequate, likei am not capable of love; i keep thinking about there being no romance behind anything i do and how much of an emotionless insect i am; and that makes me think about my mom, and i think about my mom & how she would berate me, & how the dogs would get more attention; & then i try to not think about the disgusting that happened with animals and how the floor felt, & then i try to not think about how i wish my mom aborted me like she wanted to or abandoned me like she wanted to, & then i try to resist trying to cut myself because i still have the means to do it, & then i try to think about how the confusing rape stuff that happened and how it just put a bunch of rot inside of me that made me feel like i am only capable of perpetuating further rot, not love, & that there is no reasonable way is hould ever interact with another person; & then i start to think about how this caustic cycle that goes on inside of me of how everything expands-spirals-darkly is really the real cause of why i am caustic and how i shouldn:t be affected by these things; and then i loop further and further

28. i am trying really hard to not relapse; i am trying really hard to not berate myself and think about awful things andi am not doing very good

29. […message received…]

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39. you don:t have to receive any of this

40. i am triyng ot say i am doing extremely badly

41. i need to be alone; i am freaking out; i am panicking

42. […message received…]

43. i don:t know what to do

44. i am panicking

45. i can:t talk

46. […message received…]

47. i can:t process any of this i am in extreme distress

48. […message received…]

49. i am trying ot outright give a disclaimer, i am lost inside of myself; i can:t talk; ic an:t be rational; i am freaked out; everything is scary right now; i don:t want you to receive it but i don:t know what to do because now it seems bad if i don:t say it

50. i don:t know what to do

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:12 A.M.

51. i don:t get why i:m being uilted 4 trying to self manage and not relapse; id on:t get why i:m being berated 4 it when i am just trying my best to take care of myself

52. i don:t get why "i am in a terrible place and can:t handle tlaking" is a foot in door to talk

53. i don:t want to talk; don:t talk to me

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:08 P.M.

54. 

…from DMs @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:25 P.M.

55. [»Do you have any manga/anime recommendations like Narutaru/Bokurano?]

56. stuff i:ve read recently that i liked: voynich hotel, ragtonia, natsunokumo, machikado mazoku, asper kanojo;

57. ^ not very good recommendations 4 stuff like narutaru, i think; you can try magical girl raising project (anime) -- i think this one is good, it:s kinda typical but it:s a little special to me; it:s just about magical girls coming to terms with the cost of becoming a magical girl

58. boogiepop phantom (not the 2019 one, haven:t seen it) is really good; i think it has the same sort-of emptiness that narutaru has, though it:s not completely steeped in pessimism; it:s one of my favorite shows & i rewatch episode 3 regularly; it should be watched @ night, i think

59. i haven:t watched it in a very long time, but .hack//legend of the twilight has a weird vibe to it; it:s sort-of a typical shounen but it has a weird chronic underlying hospital-coldness to it; the OP is really nice, too; if you haven:t seen much of .hack b4 just watch the OPs to .hack//sign & .hack//legend of the twilight

60. ^ all anime recommendations; narutaru & bokurano are both better as manga, i think

61. thank you 4 reaching out to me, & take care of yourself, Removed, ok?

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 2:26 P.M.

62. actually really need to get a new mouse, i think; the double clicking messes w/ the usability of so many things -- like utube 4 instance, u want to pause a video & then you full screen it instead, & then you click & it small screens, & then u click it again and it full screens

63. photoshop? click layer -> blending menu opens

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:19 P.M.

64. my heart and soul is with ragnarok online

…from Discord @####

@ 3:52 P.M.

65. o-k; i:m more calmed down; i:m sorry 4 how i acted earlier -- i didn:t mean to put that on you, it wasn:t right of me

66. […message received…][…message received…][…message received…]

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70. […message received…]

71. yesterday was a test?

72. […message received…]

73. […message received…]

74. […message received…]

75. i felt scared too

76. i got shamed for how i am several times

77. it sucked

78. […message received…]

79. […message received…]

80. […message received…]

81. i get what you are saying & that:s fine & like i get it; i understand that maybe i can:t provide what you want out of a relationship -- i:m not frustrated with that

82. i:m just frustrated with how i feel about this because of how one sided it feels

83. […message received…]

84. where was my support about the bad drug trips or having flash backs; i just get told that i am too much, that my burdens are yours, that there is no romance behind my "clearly reacting extremely badly to drugs", that an illusion was ruined when it turnd out i wasn:t being romantic i was just being molested in some weed psychosis

85. this all feels bad; i am trying to self manage not having suicidal impulses and get brought up that i am putting my tar into you

86. this all hurts

87. i am also a person

88. idk; i get it

89. i don:t mean "i get it" in a sulky way, but just; i know i:m not great or perfect & maybe i really can:t provide support 4 you

90. but i am also here

91. […message received…]

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94. […message received…]

95. i mean, i understand; i:m sorry

…from Marabara & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:12 P.M.

96. /b/ros i think i:m not going to LA; i m not stable enough apparently

97. LmAo

98. the anxiety crushing feeling is catching up w me give me a moment i:m about to start crying

99. i:m mostly just mad

100. fuckers

101. nvm im crying

102. i:m not meant 4 other people

103. i:m not mad @ anyone except myself; i can:t stand myself; ic an:t stand myself so much; i can:t stand it

104. i:m trying not too be negative but it:s not going to stop

105. every day i:m going to wekae up and be me

106. every fuckign day i:m going to be me

107. should have insured ticket so i could have refunded; wat a twist

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:32 P.M.

108. well /b/ros it turns out i am not going to LA apparently so rip ticket money

     

     

     

     

     

109. crying to narutaru ed

110. i wish i could disappear into shadow draogn and disappear; i don:t want tobehere anymore

111. i:m so sorry

     

     

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:41 P.M.

112. w/e; play it with me

@ 5:16 P.M.

113. getur homie to stop criyng chalelnge

@ 6:15 P.M.

114. greatest hurt today is my mouse double clicking constnatly; had to click the twitter acct thing in bottom left FIVE times b4 it didnt double lcick

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:21 P.M.

115. i:m so sad /b/ros; i:mnever goign to get out of florida

116. at least there:s a new chapter of [A Monster Wants To Eat Me],,

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 6:49 P.M.

117. thankful 4 kemono friends art in this moment

118. they:re pretty, happy, loving, & they are friends; i:d like to be reborn as a kemono friend

119. maybe @ the moment of death if you wish really hard, god will hear you through all of the static & grant such a wish (even if it:s kind of stupid)

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:31 P.M.

120. only good thing i:ve seenout of discord towaday is Playing: Sengoku Rance

121. segokur ance rules

     

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:34 P.M.

122. only rance could make me feel good about sex; only rance could make sex not disgusting

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:48 P.M.

123. 

@ 8:18 P.M.

124. hope they find the autism* gene (*=whatever brain damage i am faking i:m just using this as a placeholder) & delete it & it deletes everyone who has it; i don:t mean this i m just upset; trying to not completely relapse in-to scary territory, i guess

125. it sounds more loaded than i mean: but it dawned on me that now i have no-one i really need to "be a person 4" so i can just do w/e risky shit i wanted to do; there:s no real reason i can:t s/h or go off to sea org bc i m back to Zero again & -- scared of this, i guess

126. ^ it;:s a silly thing to be self-aware about b ut i:m just paranoid the stressors will get to me and i:ll just, idk, stop finding reasons to say "no" tothings; i:d like to believe i have more self control than that; that i do it "4 myself" & not "4 others", but it:s .-.

127. likewise don:t want to hurt online ppl whoc areabout me; i:m just, idk, i keep sinking in-t myyself realizing i am not worth loving; or, that i am completely incapatable 4 love; & that my mom was right about me; & i just feel really stupid 4 buying a plane ticket; feel weak sry

128. the fucked thing about all of this is i have a bunch of scientology dialogue in my head about "why" this happens and i know i have to choke myself form saying the Words because they:re bad moemories & if is ay them i:ll just be hated more; overts, withholds, tones, comm cycles,,

129. i picked up so much shame the past 3-4-5? days? over having flashbacks and being emotionally closed off and liking scientology and having schizophrenia and having s/hd and my beliefs; real rot; nothing good; just regret-a-ble birth; i never really "regret" being "me"

130. but i:ve started to feel it incredibly itnensely when i started to open my-self up to Real Open Heart relationships instead of just being a perma closed heart autist; every-one points out i don:t have love; the coldness; being unable to stand touch well; i just don:tlike me nemor

131. i don:t know what to blame; or: i don:t know what to fix or what to change; am i just too traumatized 4 relationships? idg how to get over that; am i really just schizo and need to be on meds? autism n im just a lil puzzle-lord? just a lame person? idk how to "love more"

132. ^ i think the secret is to love yourself <-- this is the lame advice you always hear, ne-ways; o well; i:m just frustrated + i feel ultra stupid & poisonous; i feel like i got lockd in-to florida bc i didn:t care about heavy-issues enough or cry enough or love enough or w/e

133. ^ this is what happened last night; i heard somehthing that reminded me of my mom throwing away all the plates because i didn:t respond sad enough to her saying she:d pass away soon; then weird flashback about animals; then shame 4 having a flashback and crying all night; idk

134. god really wantd me to have relationship with nothing but machines and images and knives; even the weird LRH space-ship memories explained this to me; that no one could ever relate to you closer to the church:s e-meter -- an object that can read "weird stuff" and display numbers

135. wish ensof was here; wish shiina was here

     

136. whatever; i:ll never let shame touch qliphoth; no single right-hand on earth could ever touch qlifot; my faith will always be with me; experiences like this hurt a lot in the moment, but they help define -- like how she went through an initial breaking & became qlippoth in return

137. yeeEEEAAAaaa [incomprehensible:] lets freestyle, baby iw as bnorn into some ssssssiicKK shit

     

@ 9:42 P.M.

138. this whole situation is so lame

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:52 P.M.

139. ahauaa auaaghgg uggughgghaAAAUUUUhhhhhhhh

@ 10:00 P.M.

140. how do i become aw armer person

141. i don:t understand how to love people; i don:t get how to put "love" in-to things; i don:t get it @ all they didn:t teach this

142. wish they could detect whatever gene that creates ppl with this problem & just erased it; the fetus gets aborted; the sperm gets fucking erased with red xray lights; the parents get sterilized; the children get fed poison; the eggs are fed to fuckn flies; w/e it takes to stop it

143. horrid breeding chamber 4 lame unwanted shit; horrid cockroach feasting chamber grown completely fat off of unwanted tepid stinking ovum eggs & ovarian follicles; fat fucking insects insisting producing more & more unwanted trash to eat; every day; parents don:t even want them

---

Dec 4th

★TODAY:S FORECAST：crying over break-up; getting over it; loving rance (:_;)

…from Curious Cat

☆彡「why do you think so many people are attracted to you? do you think you deserve this type of attention?」

are many people attracted to me, anonymous? my posts on priv get ~0-2 likes generally; my posts on main don:t do very well, & my growth is awful; barely ever get DMs, even ^^; <-- if my perception is right, i probably do warrant this, be-cause i think most people see me as too caustic to interact with <-- & there might be some merit there; if i actually had a lot of ppl attracted to me, i would be worried, bc i can:t really trust the intent 4 why ppl would want to care about me <-- altho this isn:t 4 me to decide; ultimately i don:t care too much about what i deserve & what i have (altho i definitely feel pangs of jealousy sometimes / want attention), bc more or less i m just doing what i like; ne-ways have a nice day anonymous, stay warm, ok?

☆彡「Hi Mara… ;; I see you are struggling a lot and I wanted to say I am sorry and it will be okay. I know how it feels to not have a “reason” to not do bad things because you may not have someone close to you that you want to be better for. I hope you still find some will in yourself to keep yourself safe, and I think you should try to draw out more of your feelings w art . I would love to reach out, not to overwhelm you with trying to “protect you” but just to talk & give company. I just don’t know if that would freak you out/make it worse because I wouldn’t be able to convince you that I’m not part of the torture」

thank you 4 reaching out, anonymous, & 4 the kind words; i:ve been drawing; you can reach out if you would like -- just temper your expectations because i:ve been dumped twice in short succession and i don:t like people very much at the moment. i do appreciatethe kind words, though; i read this last night & thought it was cool that someone could relate about the "reason" thing;

☆彡「so you tweeted about not knowing how to love people, maybe this doesnt help but i just wanted to give my perspective> ithink its about seeing the divine in people/things ( which is in literally every thing), seeing gods fingerprints (beauty) on everything makes it very effortless for me 2 "love", which rly if u think about it is essentially admiration/appreciation which leads to wnating 2 be closer to this divine energy + wanting 2 protect/nurture it, people fall in love when they've felt this divine energy ( or perhaps an imitation of that energy)- it is really hard 2 explain because well what is love, everyone has their explanation and i dont claim 2 have the truth but i can try my best to put what i personally feel into words in a way that makes sense- its a feeling ya know, which btw u also need 2 be ""tuned for"" in a sense bc its not an overwashing sensation of OMG I LOVE "...", it can be subtle, but most importantly its about having the "right" perspective (im sorry i feel like im being incomprehensible and vague), but basically If all u focus on are bugs/insects, obviously all you will see going thru life/meeting humans will be their "insectual nature"--- i have the ability to essentially love everyone/everything (to a degree) bc i specifially look for this divine energy and i can feel it with varying intensity;; ive been following u for some time and ive noticed this interesting parallel: as far as i understood (sorry if im wrong abt this) youve started noticing/seeing insects after taking lsd. for me after the first couple times ive done lsd i kinda started getting a sense for this divine energy that i mention; i think its interesting how different our "acquired knowledge" is from taking the same drug- take care mara」

thank you 4 taking the time to write to me, anonymous; i don:t want to sound overly negative but i feel slightly frustrated w/ your perspective because it feels focused on "insects", when i have been like this since i was a child, & my mom would berate me & punish me over me lacking affection; my mom showed me a garbage can and said she thought about abandoning me in it when i was younger -- because i lacked affection; i ended (or was dumped) essentially every relationship i:ve ever been in, because there was no affection behind anything i did. i have heard this my entire life. this sounds bitter/frustrated because i guess i am; i don:t mean 4 this to sound like i am taking it out on you -- i:m just, idk, pouting / upset, & not sure how else to convey my feelings; i can admit that there is truth in your perspective -- when i dated iris i did think she was way more pretty (in an overall sense) than what happened to how i saw people post-LSD, i wanted to kill myself for two months straight because now her & everything else i cared about looked disgusting. it definitely hurt me, & it definitely pushed me farther away; i, in general, just don:t really want to be alive anymore. please always remember to love yourself, anonymous, ok?

☆彡「is there an insect torture chamber (positive) or are they all associated w negativity?」

thank you 4 writing to me, anonymous ^^; they are neutral @ element -- it:s a little like assigning an alignment (D&D) to plato:s cave, i think; or, assigning an alignment to life/illusion; that might not answer your question wholly, & i think 4 that i might have to, like, poorly allude to buddhism based off poor memories i have about buddhism (?);

my memory is really bad here (this might even be hinduism i have no idea), but i remember these two opposing views of Reality; one being that the world is illusory & dirty & everything should b put in-to escaping it, the other being: the world is dirty & we should LOVE the dirt & embrace all the qualities of dirt

^ i don:t know anything about buddhism so i don:t kno why i:m using this comparison; but hopefully you get what i mean -- you can adjust your own perception of it, but it:s really just a box that you:ll eventually die in & not much more; take care anonymous & hve a nice night, ok?

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:11 A.M.

1. when ur in toom cuh fuckig pain to stay asleep 😫👌

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 5:28 A.M.

2. i wake up& start crying bc i:m still a female incel

   [replier 1] > [.jpg of a dog]

3. i wish everyt single animal was erased from earth; every single pet owner was erased from earth, including myself and everyone i ever cared about who ever owned one; all past sins carry forward; everyone gets erased 4 it

   [replier 1] >you hate my dog

4. we can all just become protein black burnt in fucking STAINS where we stood burnt into the fucking ground

5. w/e it:s too early 4 me to get upset by someone possibly going out of their way to fuck w/ me

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:07 A.M.

6. zero idea if i:m right/wrong, i can:t bother figuring thatout, but i:m not going to beat myself up 4 muting every person that sends me fotos of their pet unpromptd; it:s too hard to figure out if they:re fucking with me or not

@ 6:30 A.M.

7. wishn weed didnt make me instantly psychotic bc it works perfectly 4 pain and i am in extreme pain rn

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:39 A.M.

8. still just mad; idk; it:s a mix of feeling worthless & feeling like i got fucked w/; it just feels like i was always open to set boundaries of what is/isn:t acceptable to talk about & always got push back that it was ok to not have the boundary & then got punished 4 it every-time

9. and just extra hurt because i don:t feel like i ever was shown care 4 me-being-hurt during the course of this entire relationship; i just got shamed 4 all of it; i essentially got ditched because i had a flashback and responsibly tried to say i can:t handle talking right now

10. it:s maybe not even this particular relationship that makes it hurt so much; it:s that it:s a trend; people say i am worth love but that doesn:t seem to be the case; my mom didn:t even want me dude; it just hurts; i know i contribute to a lot of it <-- but /that/ is the problem

11. just keep thinking about how no one ever wanted me up-close & this stupid panel from this stupid comic and start crying again

    

12. i don:t even think people like me deserve love; i have horseshoed; i wish me and everyone like me got deleted; i wish it stopped at the earliest point possible; i pray 4 the abortions; there:s just lame suffering & lame whining that results in letting them live; <-- too moody

13. i:m just beating my-self up; i think about ppl i care about and i would want them to receive love; i guess i need to extend that to my-self; but then i think about how like, i can:t handle sex and i start crying lol; i think about my age and i start crying; about where i am

14. about how sincerely one of the only intimate wishes i could come up with is wishing i could make love with a knife in some way that wouldn:t destroy me -- not even sexual; just, putting my face against it and letting it feel me, & feeling it, in turn; and just being there

15. i feel so dumb and alien 4 reading shit like this and wanting so badly that /this/ is what i wish i could have -- because i just seem to have such a difficulty with people; sex means so much to people and i:m just some fucking weird asexual freak; it sucks dick, huge suck

    

16. i think abuot ensof often; about the shadow dragons; about how i wish i had my shadow dragon, just, my empty vessel waiting 4 me to pour my-self in-to so i can occult away from the world; i think about crying into ensofs body & feeling my own tears sink into me

17. i think about stabbing ensof and feeling the pain of a knife entering me w/o my body being wounded; i just want to hunch over my empty dragon body and pant and cry and feel everything; completely silently; i want to tape my vessel into a box and remove my senses from myself

18. i wish this world was better than it was; it:s already pretty perfect if it allowed something like narutaru to be written; i just wish, idk, i didn:t have to feel so alone so often; i thought someone understood me and i felt so happy 4 a moment; i was misunderstood

    

19. i wish the animal sex trauma never happened; it happened when i was so young and it:s never stopped hurting me; it hurts so much; i didn:t want it @ all, i didn:t ask 4 it at all

20. in my prayers to qliphoth i always thank her 4 letting me inherit her fractures & breaks; it:s always easy to be thankful 4 them once i:ve felt their pains & numbed my-self to it -- but they hurt so much when they:re given to me; i try to always keep in mind it is my birthright

21. reach out w left hand and clench air; crushing trillions of invisible air insects w/ the simple motion; infinite amounts of their crushed bodies falling to earth; i just wish i was born a normal person; oh well; going to listen to narutaru ED kairo full song again

22. play it with me, dummy

    

    Whiteness extends in every direction

    It:s nice when it engulfs me as I gaze upwards

    ...

    I walk barefoot even though it:s painful

    Because I want to be sure you notice my footprints

    That day, I let go of your hand

    You even looked back, leaving me behind

    Since you:re the kind of person who chases dreams

    You said "We:ll never meet again"

    Whiteness extends in every direction

    When it engulfs me as I gaze upwards

    It:s nice

    I remember days where I was worn out from crying

    The sound of the wind once again futilely pushes my back

    Nothing:s changed since that day

    You laughed at the ugly me,,

    But the way the clouds moved was beautiful

    Days like today,,

    When will they stop blurring together as whiteness?

    This neverending feeling

    It would be nice if it were scraped off of me

    ...

    You even looked back, leaving me behind,,

    Since you:re the kind of person who chases dreams

    You said "We:ll never meet again"

    Whiteness extends in every direction

    When it engulfs me as I gaze upwards,

    It:s nice...

    You laughed at the ugly me

    But the way the clouds moved was beautiful

    Days like today

    When will they stop blurring together as whiteness?

    This neverending feeling,,

    it would be nice if it were scraped off of me...

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:07 A.M.

23. moody knife attracted r-word has logged on

    

…from Aurochs-kun @Removed

@ 8:48 A.M.

24. good morning....!

    [replier Marabarl & Marlbara] ｇｏｏｄｍｏｒｎｉｎｇ

    

    [replier 1] gmmn

    [replier Marabarl & Marlbara] gmmmmmm x2

    good morning tsuchinoko chan!!!! good mornign Replier1 id draw a goodmorning card but idk how you look...

    

    [replier Marabarl & Marlbara] thank you 4 this; it made me tear up; i really appreciate it

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:44 A.M.

25. calmer; just, idk; hurt

26. i:m actually going to get a new mouse bc of double click issue; this is actually insanely annoying

@ 2:06 P.M.

27. gamers; i have disassembled and cleaned out my mouse

28. i think that fixed it, although i don:t think i can properly align the weird zowie sticker feet things on the bottom of the mouse; so now it makes a noise when i move it across mousepad,,,

@ 2:53 P.M.

29. ok fixd double click (i think?) but ave to buy replacement mouse skate things bc now it scratches stuff when i move it; which, honestly, is better than the double click

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:55 P.M.

30. disassembled mouse and cleand it and that fixed double click; so that:s great; i:m still depressd about being a female incel whose brain damage ruins every relationship, but i mean, there has to be female incels whose brain damage ruins every relationship in the world

@ 7:03 P.M.

31. magic the gandhi appreciator has logged on x2; want to replay sengoku rance bc friend is playing it 4 the time ^^ & i LOVE RANCE it moved me so much it made me love videogames so much it:s juts such a cool series i love alicesoft

    

32. appreciator the appreciator has loggd on; i:m in a better mood; i had a nice talk & i felt more affirmed (bad diction on my part bc that sounds loaded w/ enabling -- just, idk, i feel less evil); i:ve been thinking about scientology "acknowledgements" lately in terms of comms

    

33. scientology might seem kinda silly but i actually really appreciate how they codify a specific language & routine in you when it comes to communication; it:s a formula ^^ so i try to acknowledge communication via thanking ppl l8ly <-- i:ve been trying to do this,, @@

34. i just like it

    

35. i:d like to be magic, & i:d like to kno rance; i feel like i would never stop thinking about him & it hink deep-down he really would make me feel really ok about sex bc i think he would really care about me [& i run in-to him way later in JAPAN and try to remember comms formula..

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:04 P.M.

36. i talkd w this person on twitter who is in a relationship w a disab;ed autistic person (typing that felt weird, but is accurate) & it made me feel, idk, less bad about myself; he was really nice and praised all the good things i did in the relationship @ the end lol

37. but mostly what made me feel good was just, idk, he was talking about his own relationship & the sort of understanding that has to come with being in a relationship w/ someone who is kinda Disabled & it:s hard 4 me to think of myself that way, but i m kind-of starting to feel --

38. that "that" has to be understood w/ future relationships 4 me, maybe; or; idk; i just feel like i am falling in-to a lot of hurt via ppl expecting me to do things that i just can:t do very well / @ all; "disabled" might be a stretch here, but how to put this

39. i p much got shamed 4 having flashbacks & not expressing warmth correctly <-- ultra shit i still feel that i am not really suited to have relationships w/ ppl; but may-be i m taking a step in the direction of "i really don:t think it was my fault this time"

40. i want to dump logs because i am bitter, but she was just kinda treating me really weird @ the end; idk; neways i:m done; i feel a little bit better & i love alicesoft

    

41. plus i got fuck:d out of $125

42. no i:m NOT done i want to blog it:s my blog ヽ(´▽`)/ today was kinda nice when i stoppd crying; Removed was really nice to me; [Aurochs-kun] made my eyes water bc he was so nice; iris sent me a rlly nice msg i didn:t respond to [substacker:s note: it was a series of messages in the morning, i don:t want to include the whole thing but essentially was “do you want to move in here with us? we've talked about it and would like you to. i miss you a lot”]; my mom got me stuff i like bc i told her im staying [substacker:s note: she got me some snacks ~y~]

43. i feel ultra weird about removed now bc, idk lol; but today was nice; plus like, she kept making it out that removed removed removed removed removed was about me & i feel like i removed removed it w/o wanting to do that; she removed removed & removed lol

44. i don:t hate her & she:s an inspirational artist but wow i kind of wish i could tatami-galaxy-rewind and removed removed removed so i could just removed removed the way i did b4; i just feel so jaded over this lol

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:18 P.M.

45. o7 confirmd it

    

46. even better than money: flight credits; flight credits are ultra valuable to a hiki

---

Dec 5th

★TODAY:S FORECAST：getting over breakup; feeling better; wanting to be touched by rance (´~`；)

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「do you think your delusions are highly influenced by anime/video games? hope you are well mara, take care of yourself!」

thank you 4 taking the time to write to me, anonymous, & good morning; おはようーーーーー　ヽ(´▽`)/☆彡☆彡; i don:t consider them delusions @ all, or, i don:t know what part of me you would be considering delusional, so i:ll be answering this from a sort-of "over-all" perspective (ie how beliefs come to form);

first! i want to assert the difference between insect-subsumation belief-formation & arachnid-consumation belief-formation;

I-S: cloud-intelligences (environmental cloud-intelliences such as capitalism, christianity, league of legends group-chats, the church down the street, scientology, twitter) try to grow themselves via building congregational nerve networks of ppl who are willing to feed themselves in-to the environmental-cloud-intelligences, an individual surrenders a portion of themselves to gain greater access to the greater intelligence, & the history/color/wisdom/strength/love of the cloud-intelligence feeds in-to the person, creating a Communist, or a Christian, or a Scientologist, or etcetera;

A-C; arachnids are driven to build webs (or forage) compulsively, be-cause they need to eat & they need to molt to grow larger, & they need protein to further extend their webs. after the web has been made, their environment slowly falls in-to the web, causing a vibration, causing the arachnid to begin a digesting-relationship with the environment; may-be anime or scientology falls in-to the web (or small-birds, gnats, other-spiders), the arachnid is forced to respond to the vibration, consume, & then begin adding scientology-protein & anime-protein in-to their person; the arachnid now molts, & grows larger; the web grows larger, too, capable of catching more prey; the shape is always the arachnid, & not the environment, & the arachnid has no control over itself -- it:s a dumb mechanical thing.

^this framework is mostly set-up to establish that my environment is mainly composed of things like anime/manga & idolatrous-forms that i feel connections with, be-cause i try to limit "what i am forced to consume"; i was exposed to a lot of scientology lately, & now there is a lot of scientology in-side of me <-- this is the same as anime 4 me.

i specifically choose anime because (like all representational forms) they are veins connecting to the demonic-color (& demons properly), & due to my left-handedness: i think attaching myself to representational/idolatrous forms of worship will lead me to cleaner "salvation" than right-handed prescription. i have to empathize with legion, not with jesus. have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

☆彡「why do you hate animals so much? especially pets (and their owners)?」

bad memories

☆彡「do you like any deepsea fish?」

good afternoon anonymous, first: thank you very much 4 writing to me; answer: not really, but i might be opaque to my-self here; explanation: two friends worked together to send me jinbei-sama, which is a stuffed animal whale shark, &&&&&&&&, i love jinbei-sama; not only do i love jinbei-sama: but it made me remember i was obsessed with fish & being underwater as a kid; i /loved/ whale sharks as a kid, i /loved/ deep sea fish, too; i thought the angler fish was one of the coolest things ever & was like my spirit-animal as a kid (spirit animal being: i just, was obsessed with the idea of them -- it was like the embodiment of cool to me & i wish i could be one). <-- this is the opaqueness, if you ask me now i:ll say: no, i don:t think about them, but honestly if presented with the sea, it might affect me a little..

i won:t even lie, when i drove to clearwater to visit the scientology flagbase, i was kinda,,, really moved when i drove over the ocean; i hadn:t seen the ocean in so long; & my grandpa was a sailor, you know? i grew up around that stuff.. take care of yourself, anonymous, ok?

…fromb irthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:51 A.M.

1. i:m awake! i want to download sengoku rance to replay it alongside my friend ^^ idk why but lately i:ve been crushing on rance a little; i just keep wishing i was magic & he was holding me lookn @ me w/ his dumb ass face n he lokos stupid but i know he:ll protect me, you know?

   

2. i feel like he wouldn:t even care about how i don:t feel warm w/ my words, & that i am kind of autistic; he just wants to fuck me & is striaght forward & he:s strong and has a lot of resources & he has a dumbass fuckn face

3. i want to be sexually assaulted by rance and fall in love with him

4. ggrmrmgugg ffcknnngngmgnggg rrrnannccnhnncnghghh

   

@ 7:17 A.M.

5. it:s sengoku sunday, consider downloading & playing sengoku rance today, ok? it might put you in a good mood ^^

   

6. OH actually let me advertise more bc if you don:t like ero stuff @ all, toshin toshi 2 is a super good game by alicesoft & i think there:s a version w no H-stuff in it (i:m not sure if there is H-stuff in it @ all i 4get); i love alicesoft games a lot & i like to advertise stuff

7. & toshin toshi 2 has her in it! i love the haniwa cult; hani-ho

   

@ 8:09 A.M.

8. find urself a man who wants you like rance wants literally ne woman

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:11 A.M.

9. omg is this a december specific title screen

   

10. he:s here🥰💖💖

    

11. only rance can get away w/ this

    

@ 8:54 A.M.

12. found out there was an official translation of it that:s more up to date & doesn:t have text overflow issues so i redownloaded that verision (￣▽￣)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:45 A.M.

13. i think i:m feeling much better lately; about the breakup & my ticket money; staying in florida sucks but idk; i talkd to ppl about it and just feel better; still hurts bc i feel like i got led-on super hard, but rance & friends are picking me up (´~`；)

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:20 A.M.

14. alicesoft lore is so cool [substacker:s note: reading about this]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:50 A.M.

15. rance presses down on me and i blush, because e looks so fucking dumb and i look evendumber [substacker:s note: this was probably the closest i:ve gotten to, like, a “real sexual desire” in awhile; it was specifically about rance pressing in-to me, you know? not penetration — there:s clothes in the way; dude i feel way too embarrassed writing this]

16. stupid hulking idiot rance giving me stupid dumbass feelings inside my tummy

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:20 P.M.

17. i was editing more substack text & lookd @ some older discord convos w/ her 4 context; & i am mad @ myself 4 feeling so much shame over this stuff,, on one hand: i don:t mean to suggest ppl shouldn:t feel freaked out about the things i say to them, on the other hand:

18. during the first [trauma dump] i did that made her freak out & question the relationship, she asked me to tell her everything & wanted me to go-on, & when i tried to apologize 4 it she told me outright she doesn:t want me to censor myself; then just said mean shit

19. i just feel kinda fuckd with about the whole thing; it:s weird because reading this was kinda s/h bc,, idk; there was so much i was caught up in, about going to LA & being taken to visit the sea org building & getting to c their rose garden & play the piano there & a gift etc

20. this mysterious super important gift was always hyped up to me that she has to show me; she got me a desk & stuff & kept kinda encouraging me that i can finally b free in LA & she:ll support whatever artistic endeavor; nn then i dno, she found out what it means to b autistic?

21. i:m dummmmmmm dum dum dum; dumb dumb dumb; removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed removed, but i:m typing it; i was so dum dum dum dum dum dum

22. i:m a Rance Attracted Person

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:49 P.M.

23. oki finished editing nov23rd-26th

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 2:10 P.M.

24. i have spent almost the entire day fantasizing that i am magic & fawning over rance holding me

    

25. there was that insane-CC question i got awhile ago that psychoanalyzed me, & sort-of assumed that i latch on-to anime characters bc i have sexual feelings 4 them -- this anon was completely inaccurate; i latch on-to them bc i want to be them & rn i want to be magic the gandhi

26. i wanna be magic the gandhi and have confusing feelings about rance!!!

@ 3:03 P.M.

27. finishing unpacking; which sounds ridiculous bc i got here awhile ago but, i figured since i was moving out again soon there wasn:t much point ~y~ kinda nice to clean the room out

28. + not positive but i think my mom stocked the bathroom with alcohol + bandages in case i s/h so i can clean it, which, idk, is kinda sweet? weird though

@ 3:17 P.M.

29. omg she has arm scars like me; i love rance

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:23 P.M.

30. kind of want to relapse; not really bc i:m in a bad mood; i was just thinking in terms of, say: i don:t have any responsibilities to others @ the moment & i actually really-really-really do not want my scars to fade much-more; it feels like letting religious garb go neglected

31. just brighten the rings on my arm & ideally add three more on my forearm & one more on upper arm; the goal is/was to imitate tefillin on the right-arm

    

32. just feel sappy, i guess; what a powerful feeling; may-be i shouldn:t have thought about it bc i feel my blood moving again & haven:t felt that in awhile; but i was thinking about the sentient sword chaos in rance & ashgan from witch&beast; ashgan makes me really emotional

    

33. my heart is beating dude [substacker:s note: i was starting to really just, idk, press-myself-into ashgan:s keeper & just feeling all of the love i have 4 ashgan & how our relationship is and how my entire purpose has been to keeping him sealed, &, just how important he is to me.. & it made me really wish i had that connection with a blade, kinda hurting in my chest]

34. (；~；)

    

35. i:ll fall in love w/ a sword; idc

@ 10:38 P.M.

36. oki finished editing nov27th-nov30th; i think i have dec1th-dec4th done too ; just need to draw stuff got way too behind & wantd editing work to take mind off being-sad; reading back on some of this stuff, i don:t remember y i was freaking out most days

@ 11:02 P.M.

37. kinda miss having someone to tell goodnight / goodmorning to; miss iris, too; she offered 4 me to stay w/ her @ her new place in some new state -- kind of want to, but scared; just worried my issues will keep messing up the best intentions, o well

38. anonymous twitter users can be the person i say goodnight to, just 4 tonight;-- goodnight anonymous, have a nice night & try to get plenty of sleep, ok? it:s ok if you don:t but you deserve it (~~ʃ♡ƪ)

---