2021/12/14 - natsunokumo breakup pt1

sept7-sept11

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Sept 7

★TODAY:S FORECAST：reading natsunokumo; wanting reparenting ('◇')ゞ

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:24 A.M.

1. tired but feel restless leg syndrome in my legs, groin, shoulders, neck, so i haveto be awake ,’)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:59 A.M.

2. cool a bondage fairies poster; not much sleep because laying down became unbearanble which is okay; bondagef airies is cool though; i remember really looking up to pfil, or the girl she dated, i 4get [substacker:s note: a person with a pfil (from bondage fairies) followed this account]

   

3. i think bondage fairies was may-be the first comic i ever read, ever? i:m not 100% on that, but it was close to the first; i likely read some magazine-comic first, but i think bondage fairies was the first "series" i ever read (not even limiting it to perverted stuff)

   

4. the bug stuff creeped me out but i looked @ it a lot; i thought their relationship was really sweet; terrible things would happen to pfil & pamilawould kiss her after; huh

   

5. [substacker:s note: i think i saw a post talking about how the environment is being destroyed] i don:t care about pollution very much because it seems like a natural-force-of-its-own (the man-made kind specifically) but i start to feel bad when i think about untouched land & then development, & even fi it:s "sparse/small" it feels like an infected hole in your skin, to me

6. it makes me really crazy if i think about it; because i am living in-side of the infection, & it is impossible to get away from the infection; the parks are oozing, the air is fevery; the houses are cyst pocks; the roads are scabs; the water is all pus; & then food seems awful

7. if you really listen closely to the earth i think it has a plastic-whine sound that causes schizophrenia in people; it:s air & water-borne because it:s song, carried through arterial ports like that; & pplp who beocme over-saturated r blessed w/ channeling the earth:s song

8. i don:t really think the pollution is bad; because i don:t really think the earth minds it:s song being like that; it:s like how VN writers write some characters that have bad lives; my stomach hurts a lot; i haven:t had sommersidal thoughts l8ly; but it makes life seem unclean

9. i think may-be perspectively i might be wrong here; environmental collapse seems bad but you can also looking @ it as "going bust" & cleansing after & flushing out all the infection; environmentalists are kind-of like "infection continuers," feverish but not terminal

10. i don:t trust the insect cloud intelligences on this; or i am skeptical(?); i don:t have much insight in-to the issue, except on twitter, which presents as: NFTs are fine (anti), & we have to stop environmental collapse now(pro); i don:t think either of them are real people

11. it:s scary when i realize how close some of them are to me; & how they are trying to personally sway me through trusted-agent-nerve-endings; i think they both want the infection to cintinue in perpetuation; may-b i do too idk; it makesm e uncomfortable to think about

12. if i really can hear the earth:s song i think [that] is the source of my gut feeling on environmental collapse being good & the welfare of people being unimportant; i think i:m being dumb again; i just wish the food wasn:t so dirty:or the houses and water too; & skin, too

    

13. makn a visual note so i don:t 4get bc i need to get the developmental disability characters out of my head so i can focus on the game & other stuff

    

@ 5:34 A.M.

14. i don:t think anyone will speak to me today so i will talk to me today; have a nice day mara

@ 10:10 A.M.

15. start drawing soon & do laundry ; my lungs feel full

@ 10:55 A.M.

16. i never realized how many pplt alk about keffie; it:s kind of cool that (impersonal) you can just b someone that people reference on their personal twitters (whether positively or negatively); my name is too generic to ever rlly c if anyone talks about me

17. i can talk about me, though; i think the only two times i:ve seen ppl talk about me (voyeuristically) were: a discord i got invited to where they had like 3 conversations about me being a sad trainwreck; & one where one guy was insulting me & other ppl were defending me (ty)

18. [not finding ppl talking about me] is nice (mentally) because the bad stuff affects me; i think that:s fun, to be upset like that, though; it:s unfortunate bc i don:t really know what ppl think of me; so idk if i am doing good/bad; & i scared away ne sense of community i think

19. wish i could hold the janitor girl, fumizuki; i imagine she probably smells like bleach and sweat and a mix between moss/cinnamon/unscented-laundry-detergent; i don:t know fi i want to hold her; just like one awkward hug and then never see again; or go out 4a drink, that:s ok too

…from Mara Barl (?) @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:41 A.M.

20. [substacker:s note: all of these posts were deleted and i found them in a draft] it:s weird (it:s not that weird now that i think about it) that ppl get really insecure about their follows & stuff like that, past the point of "i want a private life" & in-to "haha no i know they are bad but like idk i get it and-" just say u like it it:s fine peel off scales

21. ^only an idiot thinks stuff like [what i just posted from my perspective] though; you lose friends over issues like that, & no one wants to be lonely, i think .

22. ^i don:t think you:re an idiot if you think that, though; i think the conflict is just a bullet u have to bite if you want ne sort of online presence; it:s like an RPG where if you gain favor w/ one faction you lose favor w/ another; both ways are fine

23. altho the first post was Assertive i think i am more the spineless person who can:t commit to their likes, from the context of the conversation; i think it:s bc 4 me i "like the idea of the person" & usually don:t like a portion of the content <-- u say stuff like this = no spine

24. it works backwards, too; sometimes you get locked in to being associated w/ people you despise / make you feel uncomfortable bc feelings shift over-time; actually i:m going back on this entire thread; i don:t think ne of it matters it:s like yin & yang & is just a vibe check

25. i try to think things through a little & then i remember what i am posting-about & the reasons-4-it & it:s just being aware that i got sucked in-to some weird paranoia mind-game that you set up 4 me about unreal nerve-ending dynamics when it:s just overhead nerve intelligence

26. none of this matters none of the words r even real it:s just dumb angel-light illusion masking words to keep me unaware of [the cloud] & [the nerves] it:s not even real people it:s just shadow spots on the wall trying to force you to listen to a drone from intelligence outside

27. it:s empty and lonely & boring and the painted box coffin with shadow spots on the wall being warmed-on-the-outside wall by sunlight and droning from intelligence nerve ending overhead cloud is suffocating/uncomfortable & my lungs feel full & i don:t get why i can:t feel cold now

28. i m clay being shippd in a crate i m going to go outside because i can:t feel any cold in the house b safe i:m remembering my friend so i need to calm down but please stop surrounding me; i don:t know how to deal with the conflict that you force in-to me;i don:t not-want it eithr

29. there are elemental persons on the online that are living conduist 4 their element; it:s like MTG a little; or like the first experience w/ "online as magic" in media; & they channel the element even if they are not aware & some are sefirotic and some are qlifotic most are r-hand

30. i like these people the most even if i dislike them but then i start to wonder if it:s a trick that is being played by [you] and i start to get really internally wound-around whether or not i need to remove all contact butj i don:t want that bc i like some people & i get confused

31. it:s really hot inside it feels like a crate so i am going to go outside & then draw developmental disability girl; i was going to do this already; have a nice day ago; away; aoky; i think i:m the oppostie of you but you are right we do look similar

@ 12:23 P.M.

32. on the Kroger wifi

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:56 P.M.

33. love you; i wanna make sanctuary

34. i love you a lot; i want to do something; i:m being dumb, i think; i:m sorry a bunch of doubts entered in-to my head because it feels like i am being watched suddenly & then i started to wonder if i was only talking because i was being watched & then i can:t feel it anymore

35. this world is real! the people are reall; the charlotte reeds are real; i 4got what i was thinking; i understand now i think; i was goign to make a request 4 people to pray 4 me to catch the virus & become a statistic but i had another thought that felt so vivid & pure

    

36. it was abnout them not being people? or about them being real; i don:t know; i felt super lucid and insightful for a moment that i hadto tell you abuot them & i can:t remember it now; just the hospital bed stuff; it was about them not mattering; and it can BE sanctuary if youwant

37. ii had something super important to share with you but it was mostly because i wanted to sopend time with you and not feel weird or ashamed and now i cna:t remember; it likely had to do with the nerve-endings from the wall; lungs really do feel like they are filling sorely

    

38. i:m thinking about legion from the bible & that demon still existing in the present as [mass internalization of anime shells] inside of a person & influencing them; because that:s what demons are, still; i t doesn:t have to be anime but it has to be representational oil-colors

39. i try to treat all the shell dead-thing oil-colors that i take in-to my-self w/ love and kindness because they are worth loving; i don:t care if it is worshipping the peels; i don:t care if it is idolatry; it is patterned in-to me even @ a name level i can:t avoid this it:s me

40. i:ll never laugh @ them; they are completely s incere and real people; it hurts me when people laugh @ them 4 no reason or turn their existence in-to some dumb insincere puppet-show 4 laughs; i am paranoid i do this so i had to preface it with insincere; but that:s not right

41. anime (character, broadly) shells are easy to be polluted by because they have personality and look vaguely human; being oracle of them is not hard, i think; you just listen; it:s harder & more advanced to be the oracle to non-person things; pen island guy is prly really powerful

@ 1:24 P.M.

42. some violet thing replied to me & i am trying to not say anything mean; i don:t want ot say anything mean but i am irrationally angry and just want to say things that got me auto-suspended last time i did it [substacker:s note: i can:t find this reply or don:t know what it:s referring to]

43. i think that is why i get angry; they belittle you & then you can:t do anything about it except be trapt with the feelings & ruminate over correct action; & then feel guilt abotu all of your feelings [impersona;] because there is internal & external punishment if you act incorrec

@ 1:40 P.M.

44. this comic is cool i:m glad i didn:t drop it; it:s like very serious secondlife drama & is playd completely str8-forward and sympathetically; there:s thois online community of ppl who do therapy via making members make family groups n roleplaying as family & it:s kinda cute

    

45. i think roleplay would probably help me out a lot, therapeutically; with trust issues, maybe; i:ve tried the family thingb4 and i always am just left feeling intensely incomfortable bc i focus on "what id on:t have" & then kinda bitterly recoil in-to myself & isolate away

    

46. i startd reading it bc i just searched 4 spider on manga-dex & saw a spider girl so i read it; but it turns out the author was writing-as-he-was-going & just made another characte rthe MC instead; so she:s barely been in it; but it:s sweet & kinda special; like me🥰 (?(

@ 2:20 P.M.

47. these pages give me such a weird feeling; it's natsunokumo btw; i needed to write it down to prevent someone from asking me; so i wouldn';t need to worry about how to respond; i was put off initially bc words = eyes can:t focus on anything, & the bubbles are indistinct w/ speaker

48. i think that:s how i feel: "pathetic losers"; this is making me really sad, actually; it just makes me feel really hurt, and afraid to ask anyone 4, like, tenderness; i am afraid to be touched, you know? unemotional: it:s cool that it:s an mmo story but secondlife instead of RPG

    

49. every day i go to the culvert and kneel down and call the qlifot "mother" and talk with her; and most nights i get restless because i ate food and i feel like i need to distract from the poison feeling so i go on long walks and talk out loud to her and tell her i love her

50. whenever i feel her on the web around me it feels like i am being touched and i feel really happy; even if i can:t see or hear her; and i feel it now; and it feels really nice; it:s still an open wound, may^be; i:m sorry 4 thinking that; the wound is precious to me, too

    

@ 3:17 P.M.

51. i wonder if i would spawn a cargo-cult (posts are the cargo) if i were to pass; i don:t mind insects 4 this purpose: the spider terminates when it gives birth to a parasitic wasp:s children; & the spider becomes a mother no-matter the difference between them; it:s really pretty

52. although i am not aiming to spawn some dumb cult, because it:s against my color-alignment, i think this-sort of thing is the closest i can get to performing my role as a woman, via giving birth to insect intelligence; it:s the only fertility i have in me, i think

53. i actually really appreciate charlie-reed 4 stuff like this; i don:t mean this as "Conniving" as i think it sounds, mostly just: i get upset sometimes thinking about how people clout themselves around terrydavis/cwc despite may-be being responsible 4 the prolonged torture of both

54. but really it:s the torture that causes them to ascend; or to-ever-have ascended; i don:t think it:s healthy to ascend, because carrying a parasitic-wasp:s offspring is fatal, but it:s kinda pretty in a [cool nature] way; i don:t think charlie-reed is "that" as i laid out

55. but i really admire their, sort-of freespirited nature to the spirit of the internet & the people who imprint their souls on-to it; the archiving, promoting, fostering, caring; w\o that sort-of interest the internet feels like it would be worse, i think; sadder; it:s complicated

56. uncertain now if they are a person or not or if i am just being pulled in-to more cycles

@ 4:06 P.M.

57. よう:re doing good please don:t worry ok

…from Mara Barl marlbaraLTD

@ 6:01 P.M.

58. the food just tastes like poison

    [replier 1]And the poison tastes like food

    i do not understand what you are trying to tell me; please stop trying to torture me

    [replier 1] Thought you were someone else sorry

    it:s ok; i a m sorry 4 being mean; i just don:t want to fall 4 any cyclical spirals from other people again because i don:t know what to do; that is notan excuse 4 me to being mean; please just write me off asbeing r-worded instead of malicious but it:

@ 6:33 P.M.

59. everything is zoomign away from me; visually; i ujnderstand the reason why everything looks like it is shrinking but i don:t understand what it coincides with talking to people; and htinking about: cyclical torture spirals that you are polluting in-to me constantly(why?); &poison

60. i know if i said "stop"itwon:t stop; like how i can:t force myself to focus nemore; i know if i say command intelligence word torture intelligence bug cloud nerve endings that i won:t be able to draw mai minase from liminality & i have to draw developmental disability girls later

61. it woul be cool if some good can have of this instead of having to wonder about talking about my feelings later and then ihave to shell deep inside of myself & again cycle in my head aboutsomething i don:t want to deal with or know how to deal with in addtn+ to just want to focus

62. but it:s just a bunch of unfunny violet deadbeats mystifyingme with torture control spiral cyclical air; air tat looks like text on the screen; i wish i was playing an MMO; idk what i am saying; i want to feel good about something and feel happy today but i can:t focus @ al

63. i wish i was last nagry; if i hurt someones feelings please just assume i am tsundere andignore me; i really mean what i say; i wish i less wasangry because i feel bad; & then i can:t figure out why the intelligences are doing this to me; i sound stupid typing this in my head;idk

64. i aprpeicate in mission-chan where her life ends & it:s just more of the same; same body some problems and pains; but noone knows who sle is nemore now; i can:t figure out if you are being malicious or not; i don:t know how to deal with that; i don:t want to talk to people

@ 7:10 P.M.

65. i need to have more pride i think; i wasreading a comic & i like this character & i don:t think she would post a lot of nonsense 4 pepole to see; so i removed it; i:;ll try to be better about it

    

    [Replier 1] i hope this doesnt seem rude or make u uncomfortable but whenever u make threads like that it reminds me of a symptom i have thats like some kind of learned helplessness PTSD trauma response thing where i feel that i wont possibly be understood or believed so i feel strongly

    [Replier 1] compelled to say things in a way that sounds insane and that i dont necessarily literally believe but i feel is representative of my emotions at the time, and i end up sounding "crazy" but like, the entire time im fully aware of just how crazy i sound, but i just can't help

    [Replier 1] myself and i incorrectly believe that communicating that way is the only possible chance i have of getting the understanding and help i need, even though it usually only ever makes things worse, but like, im not "faking it" and im not accusing u of that either

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:32 P.M.

66. this is one of of my thefavorite things i:ve read it make sme feel really weird; weird and needy & kind of bad

    

@ 8:09 P.M.

67. it:s basically about re-parenting through seocnd life and family roleplay & idk; i feel bad

68. like look @ these page sit:s secondlife

    

    

69. & it:s really pretty and unique b cof it; and i feleki dn of bad;

    

@ 8:59 P.M.

70. i 4got ot name it but it:s natsunokumo; maraview: volume one was hard 4 me to read and i got ocnfused and i was going to drop it but i kept reading it and was not disappointd by 1/4th the way thru vol 2

@ 9:36 P.M.

71. this comic is really badly making me want weird roleplay therapy

72. it:s such an insane comic; because it:s like every other generic "life in an MMO" comic, but, it:s secondlife; & it:s about secondlife drama; & it:s about EMBARRASSING secondlife drama; & it:s played completely sympathetically and sincerely

@ 10:01 P.M.

73. i love this comic even whe nit:s kinda bad

    

@ 10:56 P.M.

74. is it my secondlife manga kin?

    

75. i love itaka i love her

    

@ 11:06 P.M.

76. OH NO IT:S NOT FINISHED BEING TRANSLATED AND WAS DROPPED AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa

77. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it:snot fairrrrrrrrrrr

@ 12:23 A.M.

78. i can't sleep; keep thinking bad stuff like: i miss my mom; i wish she wanted me when i was young; i remember good moments and then wonder; i wish i acted like more of an adult; i feel like this last thing is just who i am though

79. one of the siblings asked "what do you do all day?" and i said draw, but the answer is: mostly freak out and be unable to focus; the focus thing is ruining me & forcing it isn't working @ all; it makes me freak out more, idk

80. i want to be strong for people though; that comic is messing with my head; it says some hurtful things but they are meant to be hurtful; keep thinking about her, too, and she's been out of my mind for a bit, even

81. n autism stuff because@this point i just feel like either i have it or i have the type of brain that can convince itself it has anything; and i keep wondering: am i really incapable or just "learned helplessness" like that poster said about me; bleh

82. just feel kind of bad; I'm fine though

---

Sept 8

★TODAY:S FORECAST：getting upset @ people 4 misunderstanding me; remembering bad things in life; finishing saki; starting yume miru, a drug that makes you dream (・へ・)

…from Curious Cat @marlabraLTD

☆彡「I like reading your substack, you seem really honest with yourself, it's nice I also like your art :)」

thank you very much; i appreciate that a lot, actually; the sunsbstack-part, & the art; i have more edited 4 posting, but i:ve been unable to draw lately so i can:t post them bc the "featuring" drawings are important to me; i:m haeading to the store now; have a nice day anonymous, ok? if you haven:t gone outside it might be very nice outside; autumn wind puts me in a good mood (i am projecting)

☆彡「i wonder if you would like the song 'sunny side hill' 」

i like it in anime ED format　👏(clap)👏(clap)

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:30 A.M.

1. 

@ 9:58 A.M.

2. watching leaf fall @ culvert (i don't remember plural for leaf,) ; it's nice out tonight; the wind is nice

   [Replier 1] Leaves are already starting to fall here even though it's still so warm ;w;

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:33 A.M.

3. princess carry kig rt [substacker:s note: i think it was just a video of a kig being pickd up by some chad nerd] makes me feel a little sad that i think i will probably never get to experience someone liking me like that; or: if osmeone liked me like that, i wouldn:t be able to reciprocate; i freak out if i get picked up; oh well

4. that:s the really crazy thing about mission-chan; i kept having laughing/crying fits over it yesterday -- the idea that after this ends, it:s just the same: same body, same name, same personality, same memories, same feelings, just no one knows you now; that:s so scary

5. second-life comic is still living with me; because evokes a lot of self-loathing, i think; there:s a part where the troubled-girl (who reminds me so much of AoE, i should talk to them) says she can:t consider e-dad her dad bc she knows he:s old & stays online all day so = failure

   

6. see, here; it:s funny but kind-of depressing; & that person said they think i have learned helplessness from PTSD; & that is why i act crazy all the time; act; & it:s just a very un-cool lens to view yourself; but i know i:m not very cool, & kind-of a mess; thoughts are bad [substacker:s note: i:m not sure if i can find context 4 this / if i remember it correctly: but i think some person sent me a DM essentially saying i am not psychotic, i just act out 4 attention because it:s a learned helplessness defense mechanism i came up w/ to cope, i remember it really upset me @ the time [substacker:s substacker:s note: i found it, it:s in yesterdays post]]

   

7. they do tell you this, but you don:t really believe it, that: "you basically stay as-you-are" in-to adulthood; all of my problems kind-of got worse; i definitely have good qualities; i think about trying to fix myself & it sincerely makes me panic,like"you can:t think about that"

8. it hurts my chest and head to think about; it gets so tight and hard to breathe; i am fine i can calm myself out of it; i:d like to be strong though; i think this is where my memory issues kind of happen; my doctor won:t return my calls; it:s annoying

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:52 A.M.

9. i read natsunokumo yesterday; it was good;i liked it a lot; it:s an MMO-as-life comic but is more about secondlife-style-drama than it is RPG, but completely sincere & sympathetic; most of the plot focuses around roleplaying as a family as counseling; i am sad it is not all tl:d

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:03 A.M.

10. 

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:11 A.M.

11. erogedownload updated? it looks different but i might be misremembering; i liked the plain look of the old page; this is nice, too

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:31 P.M.

12. i:d like to oimagine holding hands while playing it; i don:t have time to play it now; btu i just wanted to go through with installing it & downloading it because that:s hard enough to get the willpower for

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara marabaraLTD

@ 1:15 P.M.

13. ever since i learned what hand-flapping was & spoke w my friend about Higurashi Hands i:ve been really aware of where i place my hands / what i am doing w them when i am around other people

14. i am constantly hitting myself or tapping myself -- not hard, but light; or squeezing my fist together; or squeezing my fingers in my palm; and almost always hold one arm up to my chest / neck / face; & i flap my elbow against my sides (again hitting myself)

15. it:s funny because what set off this whole autism hyper awareness ting was alice visiting & iris saying "you know what i change my mind you are autistic" because i wouldn:t stop repeating things constantly loudly; in my head it:s just like nerves / uncomfortableness

16. i don:t think the [hand movements] are even like, that phenomenon that happens where you "become aware of something" & then do it; it:s all stuff that i:ve known i:ve always done when i am uncomfortable; nth time i:ve stated this but it makes me feel bad about myself, if autistic

17. i don:t like saying that because it feels like i am hating on autistic people; & the nth time i:ve said this: it just feels, i dno, bad to think of myself as, like, what my case-workers in highschool said about me; i go "i:m not r-worded" they go "hah ya, but, take accomodations"

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:32 P.M.

18. i was thinking about this because an artist i follow was posting abuot taking sleeping-pills when depressed; and i thought: wow, you can just take sleeping pills and avoid your bad moods? i should try that; & it made me think of this; & a friend has been thinking about it, too

…from Marabarl & Marlbara marabaraLTD

@ 1:33 P.M.

19. this is a subtweet but the [yume miru kusuri] main menu theme is really good [substacker:s note: friend was posting about playing thru yume miru kusuri & i started playing it, too ^^]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:39 P.M.

20. i saw an old lady walking a dog; i didn:t get the gut hatred feeling 4 her; it just looked less dirty & hate-driven to me; idk; i:ve been thinking about terminal stuff a lot lately; & trying to be up-beat(ish); it:s the "you are a failure; apologize 4 your mistakes by []" thing

    

21. that:s the easy way out, i think; plus i am a coward; but a coward:s coward; and i wanna work on stuff w/ my friend & read visual novels & make pictures & try to make that developmental disability artist happy; & maybe make myself happy @ some point a-long the way

22. i know it feels inescapable but you will be ok, i think; yume miru main menu theme is really nice

23. love aeka

    

24. yume miru is strange to be, because it was incredibly popular on 4chan when it got translated, & i felt like it was impossible to not see it 4 a good stretch of time -- may-be a year? my sense of time is bad; & it seems like i:ve never heard any-one mention it since then

…from Marabarl & Marlbara marabaraLTD

@ 2:17 P.M.

25. never finished stein:s gate; stoppd reading it because it was making me really emotional & every day i had to go to the mayo clinic, & it was just too much combined misery; but i remember this song was played on saltybet every now n then & it:s cool

@ 2:19 P.M.

26. it:s dumb but, in my mind i keep feel like i have to prepare an answer 4 a hypothetical "do you want to be a family, mara?" conversation; & i keep trying to tip-toe around the hypothetical asker; the family stuff is hard 4 me; it:s tender/sore & i feel too shelled-in to say yes

27. there is also some like, hm; how to put it -- embarrassing/pride issues; ie: i:d want to be a child in a hypothetical "functioning family" because i just kind-of feel like i never really got love (this is hard to type actually), but i would rather be the parent, bc i am an adult

28. and i think learning to be strong for others, & maintaining that (even if i get emotional now and then) would be important 4 me; & it:s what i want "to do"; there:s a big point in the comic w/ torque (the husband) where "protecting something" gives him a purpose & direction

29. i wonder though if i would-not need to learn "accepting love; support; & knowing that it is there" first though (the child thing; i guess parents can do that too) -- i feel like in conversations w/ anti-psych people i was led down paths of like, "don:t connect things to past"

30. but my relationship with my mom was fucked; it was weirdly sexual when i was younger, i don:t think "very sexual" or even that weird; the neighbors did call the cops on my mom though for sleeping with me; i think that is why i think that; nothing happened w/ the police

31. but like; if i had an issue (health-wise) it wouldbe blood-pricking from the diabetes testing kit, which terrified me; it really terrified me; text doesn:t convey it because it was "you are diabetic, you are doing this forever now, or you die" conversations

32. and all the doctor appointments for like, NO reason; or maybe there was a reason; idk; i just remember screaming in doctors offices because i didn:t want blood taken out of me anymore; but she had to /be sure/ i wasn:t diabetic (this continued into my 20s)

33. i was in highschool and she wanted me to save her and her business from the irs and i just didn:t know what to say; or her failing health; both "i am dying soon mara, you need to be prepared" & "the irs is going to ruin me mara, i don:t know what to do" ever ymorning in the car

34. remembering holding her while she was ice-cold from toxic shock and was pretty sure that she would die; she refused to allow me to call emergency services; so i watched some larry the cable-guy movie that was on TV to keep the mood up while she was dying in my arms

35. i know re-do:s don:t exist; and i know "may-be it doesn:t work this way", but i can:t help but feel this vacuous/deep pain that comes from "not being loved as a child", & just how it seems to echo n echo; but then (stupidly): what if you are just autistic, mara? & i laugh a littl

    

36. it makes sense in-my-head that, al-though re-do:s don:t exist, roleplaying out issues-you-struggle-with seems like it would help shave off callouses; i think that is why the secondlife comic is frustrating; because it:s a very real look @ "this", & all the weird feelings about it

37. bc i mean, do you really want to call some stranger online "dad?" & not like weird sexual dad, but like your father; & he is not your father; but he is acting like it; & you feel weird about it; but then (hopefully) they start to support you, & it feels kinda good; it:s weird tho

38. there was this person i e-dated 4 a bit, it was this trans person i dated b4 i transitioned, & she wanted me to call her mom; it made me super uncomfortable; SUPER uncomfortable; because it felt really fetishy, i think; she was super nice to me though, sends me $5 occasionally

39. ok if you read this thread & are like "damn mara i kinda get it" consider reading natsunokumo; the first volume sucks (imo), when it gets to The Zoo storyline it:s really engaging i think & special

@ 3:19 P.M.

40. look up tobira no densetsu, bc i saw it on a recommended rpgmaker games list; it has a vndb entry; the [characters] tab has 75 characters; the one review gives it 10/10 & says it is over 100 hours long

41. w,, what do you mean 135 hours is too long? you:ll play my game, right?

    

…from Discord @####

@ 4:33 P.M.

42. compatriot removed i am in withdrawal-mode but i keep thinking about going in-to the closet, to try to get away from the noise, & just being tired, & hugging the water heater (bc it:s warm..) & hearing a faint pulse

43. i like beating water heater

44. [...message received...]

45. if you want to watch some anime that is fine w/ me; i mostly just thought i haven:t said anything in a two days & it hink vommunication is probably important 4 development stuff, even if minor

46. i feel like i have to finish a drawing of developmental girls b4 i can move on but i m stuck on that

47. w8 three days

48. [...message received...]

49. i wnna draw them too...

50. [...message received...]

51. the issue is there is no reference of main girl (i 4get her name) except the back of her head

52. by the way removed i think you are a really good character designer & you have great taste; i trust you completely w character design; Follow Your Heart

53. [...message received...]

54. unrelated btw the yume miru music is really good i:ve just left it minimzied 4 music 4 hours

55. [...message received...]

56. it sounds exactly like the ui looks

57. i havent got very far into it but it was so nice

58. [...message received...]

59. okok; do you want to watch some saki

60. [...message received...]

61. i:mmmmmm checknn

62. 7 maybe?

63. 7 i think

64. [...message received...]

65. subara

66. 3...........................

67. 2................................................................

68. 1....................................................................

69. Go

70. second half of pres:s m atch

71. [...message received...]

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:50 P.M.

72. OH HEy this (ruina) was on the recommended rpgmaker chart & it was translated 7 months ago

    

…from Discord @####

@ 6:14 P.M.

73. they gotta put them somewhere 😕

74. also huh we are 3 episodes away from the end

75. didn:t realize it was that short

76. [...message received...]

77. [...message received...]

78. [...message received...]

79. oki doke

80. [...message received...]

81. COOL

82. i can gush about that comic i am super upset it isn:t completely translated

83. i feel like i need to re-read the first volume bc i glazed over it 35% interested bc it had a weird therapy angle to it

84. + the art is bizarrely good

85. i read it entirely bc of spider girl on cover... i found it by searching spider on mangadex...

86. [...message received...]

87. [...message received...]

88. [...message received...]

89. [...message received...]

90. OK

91. 3..

92. 2..

93. 1..

94. Go

95. [substacker:s note: we finish watching the rest of saki together]

…from Marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:21 P.M.

96. no more saki content....

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:26 P.M.

97. reachd out to friend to talk & finish off the last saki series; i hadn:t really spoken to people in ~three days so i thought i needed to, you know, try; saki is really good; i love saki; i think my nails have gotten stronger since i started the scratching habit

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:00 P.M.

98. when distressed i watch these in order; kujibiki unbalance OVA ED + anime OP > welcome to the NHK OP > princess jellyfish OP > kekkai sensen ED (ep 2 "i:m white!" transition) > jormungand ep12 shooting > narutaru OP + ED > tatami galaxy OP + ED > .hack//sign OP > .hack//LotT OP

99. if i feel like i should talk to someone but i can:t really bring myself to do it because it feels like it will invalidate my color alignment i re-watch clips from boogiepop phantom ep 3, & re-read parts of narutaru vol 7, or look @ pictures of nakuru; i don:t do this as much l8ly

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:32 P.M.

100. i am still kind of ??? that i see the doll stuff everywhere; the trickle in-to the tenderqueer spaces is huh to me

     [replier 1] [deleted message]

     it freaks me out a lot, actually; like actually it freaks me out; i don't get how stuff like this spreads; it's like a language-game spreads & everyone starts to seem so weird to me

     [replier 2] became enough of a meme that now people who orient themselves based on expected social approval hop on

     [replier 3] doll stuff has always been in with traumacore etc so it seems like a natural progression 2 me

     [replier 2] it’s been a thing for me since i was like 13 so it has been surreal seeing it rendered into this accepted collective abstraction by someone else when people would call me weird for it when i was young. i guess i’m always too early to stuff

@ 9:49 P.M.

101. i think a laser-targeted way to make me feel gross is to respond to my-saying "narutaru is pretty", w/ the rape/murder page, & then saying ur right this is very pretty

102. i really do just keep getting this desire to, i dno, like the shinji asuka scene before komm susser todd plays; i:m not really violent and i:m not really strong; but i always visualize that motion whenever someone does some weird control thing to me

103. gonna listen to the magical girl raising project ED & then watch the scenes where ripple hits the people that aggravate her

     

104. 

105. i:m over it; i hate listening to other people; there are people trying to sympathize with me & it just irritates me more because it feels like they are trying to insert themselves in-to this & that; i get that: this is just how social things work, you have to let people in

     

106. most of these people are just debased or lying to me; this is the glass shell w/ trauma people: they latch on super hard if they see "similar pains" & then are super amiable / clingy on an appearance-level: let me in, let me in, like a wolf; & you let them in, & they eat you up

107. collectively mint NFTs and consume up the earths oxygen; i don:t think it works like that, but it:s how they say-it-does; even that is frustrating: you see all these poor people who engender ideas within themselves & their communities that amount to nothing more than "be poor"

108. "be poor" "be poor" "be poor" it comes in different flavors, but if you smear the dumb light-illusion off it, it:s just a drone, but a smear-above the drone is "be poor"; every left-leaning person i:ve seen that has money is in the NFT thing in some capacity

109. law of the world, & i abide by it: rich people make good money to make decisions; poor people encourage each other to be poor; i am solely against NFTs because it would make people dislike me & vague environmental reasons, that i can reason against because i am annoyed w/ people

110. i don:t know why i am thinking about NFTs; i just hope that the environment fades light one last time & the filthy houses and food and water and people and everything goes away; let only the clean anime shells remain, & the people can all be oil; me included; it:s better

111. this is pure environmentalism; this is pure love; not dumb half-steps to further your own jerking-off-masturbation to keep eating marginally more clean versions of plastic shit food & your poison water & your dirty houses; & i love all of those things, because i am product of it

112. "capitalism is the problem" people are the problem; you are being selfish; get down to the root; i am an optimist, though; i don:t really believe all of this stuff; i am just annoyed with perverts perverse-perversing-cloying in-to everything i like; great; you are horny

113. great; you are horny; great, you are horny; great, you are horny; this ends up just being everyone; oh great, you want to talk? you are horny; great, you are horny; great: another person who is horny; great, horny; great, horny; great, horny; great, horny; great, horny

114. oh you share my views on things? oh right; you are horny; yeah i:m "ped-pilled", huh? oh, you:re horny; i get it; you are sending me all these glowing affectionate words because you want to put me through some psycho-sexual ringer, because you are horny

     

115. 

116. 

117. horny; horny; horny; cum; horny; masturbation; horny; porn; horny; horny; horny; cum; semen; horny; masturbation

118. why are you seeking salvation? oh, to cum; why are you finding god? oh, to save you from cumming; i guess that is leg-it

119. i don:t know why i am this upset; i am just sitting here like 😐 irl but i am sweating; i am sweaty; i saw a post by someone i like that expressed a sentiment i kinda really believe,roughly: humans are disgusting, i feel bad about it, but anime seems clean, & i like that

@ 10:18 P.M.

120. annoyed; idk; just why bring this up to me; i don:t get why people think that i like hearing sexual stuff; both ways; i freak out if i engage it; i freak out if people try to engage me with it; i hate it; i can:t help but believe this is manufactured & intentional; o well; calm

121. loved listening to this in highschool & i:m feeling it again

122. when rope fuel repeatedly posted "i:m misunderstood" i felt that; more than anything on this site

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:39 P.M.

123. insanely mad @ people replying to me, again; it:s not like people are being mean; i just can:t tolerate it; constant feeling of being misunderstood; it:s a "me" problem; i should start pro-actively muting everyone who replies to me on main, i think, if i wanted to do-better

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:59 P.M.

124. i am still so mad; it:s back where i just want to tell someone that i want to [do angry things to them] & have them allow me to do oit; or just like, have something i can hit; my real outlet is watching anime OP:s and posting and calling people unfunny violet deadbeats

125. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu i don:t like being angry because it feels physically stressful

126. need to be appreciative to the people i can stand & people i like & people i love

127. i know i:m mostly in the wrong; i just feel @ one with ripple hitting the schoolkids that tease her, atm; bc i mean, i wish i could do that; even verbally; just talk shit to someone who annoys me; but then i start worrying about hurting their feelings;it:s like bonus stress/anger

128. i think i could only ever get strong to fight people; not like "get strong and look for fights" ; but: s"tereotypical bullying irl and need to defend self" type of motivation; otherwise i m mostly fine being scrawny

129. roleplay counseling urges again; i keep pretending in my head that i am ripple and top speed is telling me things that make me feel better, and I'm still angry but i feel a little better knowing she cares and is there for me; but it's just in my head

130. but then, since i am Mara, i act reluctant to engage in roleplay because i think it is embarrassing, and the top speed roleplayer refuses to acknowledge me as anyone besides ripple and asserts we have to talk like this; and i go along, them

131. tch whatever; im sleeping

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:03 P.M.

132. i just hate seeing the words of other people; idgi; idk what happened to me between 2019-now but everything about people upsets me; i think again it:s: if i wanted to do better i should distance myself; idk if i want to do better, though; if i had something to do i probably would

---

Sept 9

★TODAY:S FORECAST：very tired; misanthropic weather ('ω')ノ

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

☆彡「whens the last time u ate candy」

last night around 9 pm

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 5:08 A.M.

1. i go to bed angry bc of people; i wake up still angry bc of people; i think i just am not meant for interacting with people

2. then i say something like this and someone says some normal thing to me to cheer me up or w/e, and i become angry again; over some control fear thing; it's a Twitter thing i think; although it happens if people talk to me in person; figuring out motives and always seems negative

   [replier 1] most people who interact with you probably don't mean to make you angry, maybe you are assuming malicious intent from others because of past experiences? maybe it is projection? what do you think you can do about this perception you have?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:00 A.M.

3. feel like i am fading away; probably because i got so little sleep; i drank two cups of coffee and tried to go back to bed; i think i need like, "actual substantial food"; instead of lemon energy bars and coffee; i think my anger issues started earlier than 2019, i realize

4. it gets confused in my head; they might have always been there; but i remember hmmmm; there was a three year relationship i was in with an abusive couple that made me incredibly defensive whenever people propositioned consent on-to me & i:d get insanely irritated @ whoever

5. i might just be an angry person; though; i think it:s more-likely that i am just an angry person; mostly internally, which is worse, imo; [source of anger] -> i don:t make source aware of my feelings -> source continually makes me upset -> i keep letting them do iot

6. i think it all comes back to "learning to set boundaries 4 myself" i should probably start telling people i don:t want them to do "x" or "y"; or "z", even; it:s may-be a common issue w/ people: you refuse to set boundaries due to fear of driving ppl away; ne ways things i hate:

7. -showing/talking-to me sexual things -inserting self in-to my issues, even if sympathetic/empathetic -animals -showing me things you think i would like -all forms of small talk -wanting to know me ^these are terrible boundaries

8. i don:t really know; i would give examples of things that upset me but i don:t want to name-people & mayke them feel bad; + it:s honestly basically "everyone who replies to me or DMs me" w/ the exception of people who are one/two-step removed from a topic

9. ^ leads me to conclusion: i am just really misanthropic; i sort-of want to try a self-help group 4 this thing; or set-up one; it:s really lame but like a "i can:t handle talking to people & i am self destructive" group of shut-ins

10. i do really like the bug photo accounts though; those & art accounts are the only accounts i like; initially i was reluctant to follow jp art accuonts bc your timeline just becomes solid japanese text & food pictures; but do i really need to read about jesus/capital/trans/races

…from Marlbara & Marabarl @marabaraLTD

@ 9:43 A.M.

11. im laughing

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:11 A.M.

12. it:s extremely stupid but i like to braid my hair like hiroko, it makes me feel slightly better; ok i have to go do grocery shopping 4 these ppl, i got money to do it this time so i:m ok w it; also!!! i was the one who added hiroko:s picture to personality-database :smiling_imp:

    

@ 11:47 A.M.

13. they needd me to get 48 pounds of dogfood n when i was bringing it in the dog ran away, & i chased him down 4 about 40 minutes; i ended up having to pay a little of my own money 4 their groceries (╥﹏╥)　i:m not that upset about it

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 1:06 P.M.

14. the repeated posts about being misunderstood were mroe relatable than ne art, to me, i think

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 1:09 P.M.

15. last night, and this morning when i tried to sleep again, i closed my eyes & [1st time] i saw a faint outline of a person with a smile moving and rotating across the darkness of my eyes; & [2nd time] i saw beautiful falling sparkles/leafs in the darkness

    

16. i don:t know why but i told myself in my head: this is normal, people probably see this all the time, i dno why i would mention it to anyone; and then i remembered it this morning & was like: wait what that was so bizarre was that even real

@ 1:32 P.M.

17. still thinkn about ri pple and top speed; super tired; super super super tired i can:t shake it off

@ 3:05 P.M.

18. i feel extremely crashd

@ 3:26 P.M.

19. I AM SO TIRED; ughghghhhhh

@ 3:29 P.M.

20. i am tired

@ 3:36 P.M.

21. i:m sorr y 4 just posting "i am tired" but i am so tired it:s like; i am suffering being conscious; there:s like no power inside

22. also it:s taken me so long to get a response from my doctor that my auto-scheduled doc appointment is like 4 days away so now there is no point in trying to get a hold of them

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:54 P.M.

23. postd this last night & it keeps weighing on me, because i think i really want something like this; just in general i want some type of "control" but healthier (ideally, bt i kno i only want the unhealthy thing,soi have to maually change that); + i am so tired being awake hurts

    

24. i love ripple; i:d really like to just be as angry as that; not that i think it:s a good thing; but i m already super-duper angry except inward; but i don:t want to upset other people; idk; keep tihnking roleplay would help me but i don:t feelsecure w/ taking achance on it w/ ppl

    

25. magical girlraising project is a good series btw; it:s your typical Magical Girl But Edgy show but i think it:s more, idk,heartfelt & grounded in mundane-things so its: more relatable & sweet, bc /it is/ sweet; magical girl site is (in my head) an exampl of a trash one

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:06 P.M.

26. feel like i should Mass cleanse my accounts, maybe

27. & this is silly but i felt like i would Pass Away if i didn:t eat a salad tonight, because i keep thinking about how bad the diet here is; & like, actually not survive; idk; just feel poisoned; so i told iris & she said "why didn:t you get the stuff to make a salad @ the grocery?

28. bc i do grocery shopping 4 the family; & i dno how to explain this (i couldn:t, i just said idk), but i can:t; i specifically want a protein in it, seasoned chicken that i bake in the oven usually, & i don:t want to think about the process of using the oven to cook + store food

29. so it feels like a mental impossibility; & there is also like, i am in a habit of eating [bad food] & i don:t know how to, idk, go against it; it feels like a mind/behavioral block; so i juts went out and bought a premade salad; i feel super dumb about stuff like this

…from birthday nabarlSBL

@ 6:22 P.M.

30. i:m thinkn i am starting to become transphobic -- this isn:t accur8, but i get aggrav8td by [the language]: stuff like gender-moment; i don:t think it:s a trans thing either, tho, because i think it:s broadly that i just do not like environmental idiosyncratic insect languages

31. i am guilty of it, too, even in the prior post w/ "insect languages"; the NFT codewords, the lefty codewords, the racist codewords, the anti codewords, the christ codewords, the doll codewords, the pervert codewords (this is a summary of twitter 4 me basically)

32. i was more angry about this stuff when i was much younger, actually; i:d get super upset @ injokes & meme-repeaters, & just mentally file the word-user as "not worth speaking to"; i loosened up a little bc i think this attitude is anti-fun, but it still aggravates me apaprently

33. ultimately i am an agent of conformity (╥﹏╥)

    

34. more positively spun: i have refined tastes, and refuse to lower my taste to other-persons

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:11 P.M.

35. i think if people were more encouraging / receptive to the idea of recoiling away from people & being socially abrasive that i would feel less bad about things; there is a lot of talk about loving everyone & accepting, but never c posts about like "it:s ok to call people insects"

    [replier 1] its ok to call people insects

    [replier 2] #ItsOkayToCallPeopleInsects

    [replier 3] Reminds me of this for some reason

    

36. every-one has a role in life & 4 some people it is to recoil from every-one & call them insects & freak-out, i think; i like tsunderes because of this; or may-be tsundere is not appropriate, but tsundere-adjacent; but twitter culture is very anti-tsundere, on the surface

@ 9:42 P.M.

37. narutaru is so pretty; i think something like that is more pure ^& practiced than any religion [substacker:s note: this got a reply of the rape/murder page w/ text saying this? it:s pretty, & it made me freak out]

38. it makes sense w/ time-context, too, i think; because classic religions are basically all based off of fanfiction-stories about [religious-stuff], but those don't work as well any-more (4 making new faith), & more contemporarily would be like: media & internet-lore stuff, i think

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:44 P.M.

39. head hurtt... took medication but honestly it still hurts

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:14 P.M.

40. it:s bed time, i have a migriane but i am on sumatriptan, goodnight

    

---

Sept 10

★TODAY:S FORECAST：dwelling on arachnid, & connections to other people (´ー｀)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:32 A.M.

1. really wish i could have more scars

   

2. last night i realized i have the experience of every CEO & rich person, so it doesn:t matter if i am successful or not -- now that i am awake this doesn:t make much sense to me; it was like: i am everyone, and everyones experiences are online, and i am online, so i know them, too

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:06 A.M.

3. i want to know my mtg color; i:d like to know the colors 4 the people i like,t oo

   [Replier 1] from what I can tell, blue white red !

   on the big mtg color quiz online i got blue green red; i think that is about the same

   [Replier 1] that makes an equal amount of sense yeah

@ 9:20 A.M.

4. my targeted ads lately: diabetes management, cancer treatment, and migraine medication

5. i saw on the lgbta wiki 4 neurodivergence (?) that migraines were considered neurodivergent

6. i might be faking all mental disorders for attention, but i am in constant pain and take sumatriptan

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:28 A.M.

7. i am kind of losing my mind over the coincidence here & really amazed by it

   

8. still amazed by this; idk; it feels like there is some alien outsider intelligence inside of islam that drives ppl to think about this; it:s delusion encouraging thoughts, but it:s like how crazy christians see demons ; but it:s being eaten by aliens here

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:26 P.M.

9. readn charlottereed:s tweets r always interesting to me because i don:t really ever understand them but there r slivers of "cool" to me; like this post about a person manually screenshotting browser window 8888 times: woah cool that sounds dumb but hey cool

10. also a huge impression that: i think you are actually dumb if you are tech savvy & not in crypto, but i have to preface it with: dumb=need-money-&-choosing-not-to; i am dumb here, bc i think i am aware & i need money, & i am consciously choosing solely due to bad optics

11. i don:t think i really care much about societal morals/values (like environmental stuff) bc i don:t really think i could ever express control or reciprocate the value; i think @ best i can do the "do unto others" thing -- but i think this disappoints people to hear, said outright

12. i think this is most people, though, whether they r aware of it or not; i don:t think it:s possible to form strong opinions on issues as quickly as people do w/o complete-lack-of-care; & most seem like they are designed to drag people down w this weird veil of tailored ignorance

13. i like to think of people as elemental-forces, & even for dumb things like political positions (vague), there are a few i think are elementally-left & very pure in their belief; likewise elementally-right; i think i am an elemental spineless centrist

…from Marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:39 P.M.

14. love ripple; i want to be more like ripple

    

15. this isn;t anything but i:m gonna delete the canvas and thought mayb is hould post it somewhere; i was watching some recommended "how to survive the traps in spiral" video & was drawn from memory as i watchd

    

16. do you see the light ahead?????

17. i think i am basically swim swim attempting to be ripple, @ best

    

18. head empty, entirely motivated solely by fascination w/ someone else

    

19. such a cool show; i keep rewatching her punch the boys in class & the girls in the bathroom & the deadbeat dad

    

20. kind of want to re-read arachnid; it:s /NOT/ good, it:s actually /SHIT/ but i still liked it a lot, & i like the main girl a lot; it:s funny because it is like, hm, like, 33% really resonant/touching to me, but the remainder 66% is sheer stupidity; but i love it, too, it:s good

    

21. i mean look @ this; she is everything i kind of wish i could be; even her dumb weapon-power: she has a deep relationship with a knife that only she can bond with because of her mental disorder; she can feel through it; & she sleeps clutching it; & it:s beautiful; idk; i love it

    

22. i feel (sometimes) that people who should be sympathetic to my feelings, often kind of mock or belittle them, because they /are/ kind of stupid; but the [qlifot, arachnid, insect, knife] thing are all very important to me, & make me feel whole; it:s like my mental shape of self

23. it:s just in an unfortuante shape because no-one wants to deal w/ it because a) it:s stupid to them b) it feels ilke enabling bad mechanisms; it:s like, say, if becoming a furry was aligned with a societal sin that everyone was afraid of; bc i mean, i just want to hold my knife

24. i get it though; arachnid is still really stupid; but so am i & i like stupid things

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:19 P.M.

25. charlie keeps saying stuff that sounds super cool to me but i struggle following; but i like the energy; i just like energy

    

26. i think i am just attracted to the energy ppl have online & i don:t really careabout beliefs all that much; i think i can settle on that; i am head empty lookn @ energy online; it looks pretty; so: i keep looking

    

27. i like that explanation 4 my feelings, actually; i need to remember this in the future 4 when i have to explain my feelings; these panels are from arachnid, btw; it:s not a good comic but i like it a lot, because she:s inlove with a knife that she is attuned to via mental illness

    

28. writing this down;

    • > where do you stand politically; whomstves side are you on ?

    • >> i am a spineless centrist so i do not really have values & i only care about the energy inside of people & how pretty it looks, & something about do-unto-others

    

29. i think the next time someone gets mad @ me online about [me having flimsy values] i will not explain this though because that might be too lame, & i will just call them a pussy

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 2:49 P.M.

30. lung cancer treatment this time

31. it would be really cool if the algorithm was predicting me getting cancer& within three years i get cancer and pass on suddenly

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:19 P.M.

32. sry id on:t think this is accurate necessarily & verges on weird parasocial fascination but i wanted to make something like this

    

@ 5:35 P.M.

33. housekeepign grifting post idea: you don:t need to scrub your dishes or have a dishwasher to get them clean, you can just run water over them quickly & put them in the microwave for 5-10 minutes (depending on how big your stack is) to completely sterilize them

34. downloading the drawr archive and going thru it makes me feel kind of lonely bc it feels communal; may-be because the pictures are all packed together & the site is gone; but it:s so spirited; so much ace-attorney, jojo, yugioh, yume nikki, fukumoto

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:55 P.M.

35. i love arachnid; it:s dumb but i love it, & if i love it, then it isn:t dumb

    

36. is this a sign

    

37. i don:t need to question signs when they pop-up to me; i know it is a sign🙏

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:09 P.M.

38. i started thinking about a man putting fingers in-to my mouth, & then something about needing to get an abortion / having to eat period blood (i saw this in the drawr archive), it made me really wish i still had my knives, & i got really sad/morose 4 some reason; morumoru

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:07 P.M.

39. whoops freaked out & freaked out [substacker:s note: i:m not certain what this is referring to; i think this might have been from an argument me and iris had, but i don:t remember @ all]

40. light headed and nauseous from how mad i am at myself

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:53 P.M.

41. was reading the schizophrenia self-help forum again (i stoppd reading it 4 a bit because i felt really ashamed) & there was a huge thread about not-hearing-voices & another one about hallucinations of feeling wet/dirty constantly; those made me feel a little bit better

42. i freaked out typing that and got injured accidentally; i hear voices occasionally in water but they don:t really tell meanything so id on:t count them; so the thread made me feel better

@ 8:50 P.M.

43. it:s super stupid but the reason i stopped myself was i needed to finish a drawing 4 the developmental disability person

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:16 P.M.

44. said hello to aoe; it wasn:tm uch of a conversation but i missed them a little

    

45. they were the person who show:d me the intj *stares* meme & i saved it then; talking to them about mbti was really cute bc, how to put it, i took it, got INTJ, they said duh no shit mara i could:ve told you that (but in that exuberant way they type)

46. & then told me theirs, i 4get what, but they explained it as being the opposite of me, super emotional, outgoing, everything has to be external -- & said that intj x [whatever they were] were really cute together bc it:s like missing pieces 4 both

47. i do kind of miss my old friends a lot, but talking to them to an extended period of time freaks me out a little; aoe is a little bit of an exception bc we do get a-long together well,but, how to put it -- they come with constant problems/emotional stuff, & i m good @ dealingw it

48. but it gets to b the point where i talk to other people who seem to be bullying them, & then i get completely different stories from people, & then i end up being a mediator after trying to stop [ppl frombullying friend] & that gets a little [i feel crazy]

49. mostly because their version of the truth is usually, completely off from everyone-elses, & figuring this out is just kind-of taxing in a "huh???" way; aside from that tho they r cool

50. although honestly those people are all kind-of bullies; o well; itadakimasu 🙏

    

51. kinda miss those guys; i said it already; a really good moment 4 me "when i was kind of lost" was just plpaying american truck simulator w/ pony over discord, & (since we r playing a boring truck simulator) we:d just talk about life in venezuela & the mob bosses there

52. and all the dnd stuff; i was thinking about dnd when i startd reatding natsunokumo; but i usually always play evil characters, bc i like necromancy & stuff & you have to be evil to do that -- but i just really like rp in general; but i m bad @ faking like, Do The Right Thing

53. it was cool bc the dm let me help design maps & stuff & write lore 4 the setting bc he liked how invested i got in-to it; there was a dragon-worshipping girl (i 4get why) i playd & i liked her a lot though; bc i got to sew stuffed animals 4 this baby dragon thing & idk i liked it

54. then aoe would have like tantrums & i:d have to talk to them 4 hours about it; i am reminiscing ~y~ i need to be drawing but i am completely stuck on pose, & it:s barely even a pose, i just, like, idk, i can:t draw people easily my brain shuts down sometimes & i get stuck

    

55. i usually get out of it by lookn thru other artists to, like, "remember how to think w pictures"; i m lookn @ morumoru atm & i initially thought they were a girl bc of just, like, how deeply intimate their subjevt matter seems; like u wouldn:t think of drawing that stuff as a guy

56. ^ narrow thinking;

    

@ 10:40 P.M.

57. i dno what i:m doing

    

58. i am havin gnegative fun w/ everything atm

    

59. lf loose moral benefactor to send me knife

60. i:m desperate

61. i should probably sleep; i just feel restless；i wan tosmeone to talk to really badly who can touch something that you can:t touch -- this is poetic language, but literal, too; if you are kept-up-inside w/ a bunch of [parts of yourself] no one interacts w/ it:s very lonely

    

62. i m mostly just writing to myself every-day & wanting [something miraculous] to happen as a result; but nothing miraculous ever does happen; & that:s ok too; i should sleep though; i am frustrated with drawing because i can:t remember how to do it so i:m not getting anywhere

    

63. i:d like to ask out 4 help but i don:t think any-one would; or, not in the way i would like; and i:d just really like a knife again; i just miss it; i keep getting afraid to talk to groups bc it is betrayin gm ycolor alignment; so i leave all of them; neways i should just sleep

64. it:s like that soft feeling inside when you started [making an attempt] and then back otu bc you have things you want to do, and then when you settle a little and it starts seeming difficult again, you remember 2x as vivid why you wantd, & then the desire comes back again

65. i don:t think i would succeed either way; i stopped this time because i was trying to saw across the tendon with my thumbnail and when it started to [smart] (like paper-slicing-feeling) i backd out immediately bc, i mean, what am i doing, need to finish my disability-girl drawing

66. idk what i:m doing; sorry to everyone, though (this isn:t true; if i were: i wouldn:t do it)

67. goodnight; take care of yourself

    

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:39 P.M.

68. this depression was sudden& fast

69. like my mom just appeared and said the same things she would always say when i disappointed her; insane to me that i still have this baggage

---

Sept 11th

★TODAY:S FORECAST：very bad news (*'▽')

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:34 A.M.

1. i c a read or die post & it makes me kind-a happy bc i:ve been thinking about it for the past few days; partially because of madlax even though they aren:t related

   [replier 1] i was inspired to watch read or die OVA because of AMVs (it did not air on any canadian TV stations) so this is my first time seeing the adult swim promo and i like the presentation with classical music + breakbeats

   i LOVE that promo; it made me suuuuuuuuuper excited/happy whenever it came on; they played it tons to hype up the airing of Read Or Die & when it finally came on it felt like this massive event (to me) bc they aired it all on one night, & i don:t think they really aired it after

   [replier 1] ohh i like that, airing it once and not much after, would make me think it was a cool dream (and 'like haley's comet that only comes about every 75 years' silly thought i'd have around that time)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:49 A.M.

2. like most t40 street sweeping janitors, i need some-one to tell me to do things or i:ll just keep sweeping streets; imagine: i could be sweeping the streets of a palace, or cleaning palace toilets; that would b cool

3. please help me

   

4. 

5. 

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:41 A.M.

6. 

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:53 A.M.

7. some guy told me i look cool when iw ent outside; i like the way i look some of thetime, but yesterday (& today too) looking in ther mirror i thought i was really rpetty, but i couldn:t see my arms as belonging to me, they looked like they had their own life & everything

8. & touchng my stomach, chest, face today; ir ealized that it doesn:t feel like i am touching myself either

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:06 P.M.

9. i feel like i have never seen art of BT b4 , & i am really glad i got to see art of BT today [substacker:s note: BT from .hack//sign]

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:18 P.M.

10. berserk has finished & i still REFUSE to read it 😏

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:36 P.M.

11. currently i like alice fuji (5, 4) from arachnid & kano sazanami (4, 8) frommagical girl raising project; the first because she becomes attuned to a knife due to neurological disorder & sleeps with it; the second because she hits people & lets herself be upset with other persons

@ 12:57 P.M.

12. i like knives because they communicate through empathy signaling & they glow to me (in my head) when i think about them, & they do not have arms or legs & don:t make noise; i don:t like cold floors; i don:t like animals, also, because they are victims of becoming pets = upsetting

@ 1:17 P.M.

13. i am taking sumatriptan because i am in a nauseating amount of pain

@ 2:29 P.M.

14. how do people live normally w chronic migraines i don:t get it

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:42 P.M.

15. i clap my hands n everyone vanishes & then like a few weeks after being afraid of all the empty houses i go in-to one & they are all pet sarcophaguses;there aren:t insect bodies ne-where bc they are all gone & the world is empty now &quiet & it:s just the pet bodies & qlifot bury

16. just tired of looking @ people & hearing them & reading them; it is easier to remove one than [everyone] tho

@ 4:48 P.M.

17. 

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:36 P.M.

18. this is exactly how she types to you lol [substacker:s note: this is a subtweet about someone who was very mean to me]

    

…from Marl Bara @marabarlLTD

@ 7:21 P.M.

19. get the vibe me and iris will break up

20. i don:t thinki make her very happy & i don:t want herto have to be my caretaker \ weigh her down

21. talkd to me about removed1 thanksgiving dinner w meeting friends & she seemed kind of disappointed with how i reacted (i reacted poorly, because i get upset @ the idea of doing new things & idno how to get to the airport / store my truck, & i didn:t act excited to see friends) [substacker:s note: me and her got invited to a thanksgiving get together w/ a bunch of twitter mutuals]

22. but i mean i dno, i am sure i enjoy it when i get there but in conversation-proposition it just all reads as "stress stress stress ucnertainty" to me; i explained this; but it led to a conversation about how unhappy she is & she mentioned removed2 offered her place to live in a month

23. which i think would be good 4 her, bc she has a lot of trauma/baggage here that she kinda isn:t dealing w very well, understandably; but the unspoken thing was: she does not know if i factor in-to the removed2 living plans, & i mean: i:m sure i do not factor in

24. i am fine with going to florida again / being homeless; i feel a lot of guilt from making iris unhappy or burdening her future; & i think i am a burden to any-one who would want to date me, & i think you need to have a secure life or i am just, u know, Problems

25. ^ of course, this is assuming i have no agency; i could find work; i don:t know why i am so terrified of----- "doing things", it:s like a mental block; i just shut down; i feel bad about it; i read a post saying that you need to work-up to "functioning" in small steps or it:s bad

26. neways if i need to go back to florida; i had it coming 😏 i:m not a good person; i am a parasite; i am a villain; etc; mostly i kind of wish i had friends or ties; i shut out everyone who wants to be friends with me; my entire connection to ppl is thru iris & it:s only her rlly

27. it:s like: without iris i do not think ne-one in that circle would want to talk to me; but i think that is mostly my fault 4 shutting people out; but i:m bad @ not being upset; hmmmm; o well; i think ppl like me aren:t supposed to flourish

28. put your fingersin my mouth sonoda senpai 🥰 (this is coping mechanism)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:27 P.M.

29. tried doing it again by using as much prsesure as i could against the center and ripping down but there:s like "no resistance" so nothing catches & it doesn:t do enough damage [substacker:s note: i was trying to push my fingernail into the wrist artery]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:47 P.M.

30. always try to avoid clicking on posts by mutuals or hovering over their names bc i expect to have been unfollowed; & i always feel a little bit of relief if i:ve been unfollowed, or if they still follow; so really there are only positive outcomes but i avoid it either way

…from Marl Bara @marabarlLTD

@ 8:36 P.M.

31. actually the way she talked about it, i think it was confirmed; she mentioned giving me money, & then mentioned she wished she could have watched monogatari with me; hm

32. so i guess i need to move before december, huh

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:45 P.M.

33. i can handle this <-- confidence

34. i can stay calm, too <-- confidence

    

35. --yup when the time comes i:ll just act like ripple; i will say "tch" & handle it coarsely but with dignity

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:54 P.M.

36. i imagine the experience is like your ears popping, really loudly though [substacker:s note: this was how i was imagining dying would be like]

37. i re-read mission-chan sometimes every day

    

38. sometimes i reflect & realize that i am a terrible person; but even though that isn:t desirable, i think it:s okay 4 there to be a few terrible people in the world -- but we should strive to not have as many; & i think it:s the responsibility of the terrible people to help w/ it

39. nearly every single day i re-read mission-chan!

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:05 P.M.

40. i think i need help

41. i need a new place to live; i am single again

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:40 P.M.

42. i think me and iris are splitting up; o7

43. need a new place to live; i guess i am going back to florida

44. if my mom won:t take me back i think i am just going to trash all my stuff, be homeless, c the sights of being homeless, & then [you know]

45. i said i would have a lot of confidence, i will just say *tch* a lot, and be strong

46. on the upside, the emotions of not having a place ot stay, & wondering how many people knew about this before me, is really vivid in a way that i think is good for character developmpent

47. it:s like a really wonderful feeling that kind of coalesces upon the guilt of being-who-i-am and how no-good i am; & the inability to seem to change; & the self-defeat that comes from not trying to hold on & improve-self because it just makes me kind of shut down and panick

48. if i look @ this character from a third party perspective, i think they should have a bad end; & from that angle i think it:s cool; but to experience it: my head hurts super duper badly; *tch*

49. it:smy own fault, i think

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:12 P.M.

50. 

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:19 P.M.

51. everything is going to be daijoubu

52. i don:t understand why i am so bad at acting independently

53. if someoen got me a job i could probably work a job ; i can;t get myself a job because, i don:t know why; i don:t know why i can:t do it; i just panic

54. itadakimasu; gomen; i m daijoubu

    

55. i mean @ least rin is making me laugh

    

56. i keep laughing @ cum rat saying CUM!

…fromb irthday @nabarlSBL

@p 11:493 P.M.

57. ｂａｂｅmy rap projec tis doing numbers

…from marabarl &malrbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:36 A.M.

58. single n ready to mingle; i m kidding i am gonna stay single; i m going to bed tho night night

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:37 A.M.

59. 

    ---