2021/11/28 night-post {dxm arc]
sept 1st - sept 6th
featuring…
Sept 1st
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 7:57 A.M.
i like my coma kin drawing
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 8:56 A.M.
no longer is the vibe shifting 4 me :-/ [substacker:s note: the substack reposting bot “vibeshift” stopped reposting my substack :-/, it still doesn:t]
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:23 A.M.
sometimes @ night i have difficulty telling whether or not i am trying to sleep w/ my eyes open or closed bc it looks so identical, & then i realizd i could feel my eyelids being held shut & that the sensation was kind of strenuous, & that my eyelids were like fingers kind-of
i think i stoppd thinking of my hands as hands in that moment & tried to think of my eyelids as hands; or like: if i were to reduce my form down to a topographic ball, with the [moving parts] as little knubs, & that all the little knubs were identical <-- that sort of thing
here:s the thing i postd but slightly less finishd bc i wantd them to look like they were glowing but the colors weren:t washd out enough yet
i liked makign it a lot bc it:s like connecting w/ your coma-kin; i still haven:t figured out my updated hand-chart yet -- & i don:t know if the medical trauma is enough to warrant being a primary elemenmt on it, but coma-victims make me feel like i m being resonated with
it:s a hard thing to resonate w/, because you don:t really get to have memories of coma (i think); it:s just like this "weird shadow period" that you get to hear about; the ancillary stuff helps, though; the cold death rooms & the being restrained & all the hospital beds
i like legend of the twilight 4 that; it:s a really warm looking show but everything is hospital-cold
okgonna drink this bottle of cough syrup; i think that:s probably fine; irisu did it, so i should do it, too
@ 10:09 A.M.
irisu did codeine but i don:t have that; it:s just dxm, not true lean :-/
i keep reading the bottle repeatedly to check to c if it has painkiller in it; i know it doesn:t, but i keep thinking i am missing it, so i keep re-reading; taking any sort of medicine always makes me really panicky because i worry it:s irreversible state-change; ok i:m excitd
to replier: ACTIVE INGREDIENT: Each 5 mL contains dextromeethorphan polistrex equal to 30 mg dextromethorphan hydrobromide contains 5 something sodium contains no fever reducer or pain reliever dayornight alcohol free dosing cup included grape flavored liquid [substacker:s note: someone probably replied to tell me to make sure it was just dxm]
it:s 89 ml total so it hink i just drink the whole thing
some-one give me the go-ahead bc i need authority to feel secure
tastes like popcorn; i did 35ml instead; i did want to freak out tho
i 4got to tshake the bottle 4 the first 20mls tho.. i feel like i should take more bc it was probably mostly liquid
@ 10:35 A.M.
dk what to do now; i guess play irisu syndrome & spend time iwth her; may-b make some coffee bc i m cold; i drank some milki bc i heard oyu were spose to; i 4got to make the ginger tea, tho; coffee sounds nice though; may-be work on handchart some more; i have work to do too
my ultimate goal i tihnk is to deepend the connection i have to qlifot, or whatever dead-thing shells r adjacent to me; i think the mode i use mostly is like emotional-distress & twauma to get a signal, & i think drugs are really good 4 it too, but they scare me; but i want in
mostly to hear a voice; the water talks to me occasionally but it:s gibberish / music & i can:t really pretend to listen because there are always people in the kitchen & they ask what i am doing; i often hold one hand up to my temple/ear & hold it there -- all the time;
one of the ppl here thought it was a salute & startd joking about it; & i told them i just am always doing it ; that:s more of a self consciouosnemss issue i think; but even if the voice was bad / malicious i think it would help my loneliness, but i would h8 it, too
idk kwhy i do it; it:s like it blocks out sensation & makes me feel protected; i do it all the time when i am grocery shopping; ok coffee > irisu; the anxiety from taking medicine is getting to me a little so i need to clam down a bit
@ 11:06 A.M.
sorry senpai; worse than alst time
@ 11:22 A.M.
i did better in metsu mode @ least; your game is really hard (╥﹏╥) keep this a secret senpai but i think about life not being all that great often
you:ve always beenthere 4 me senpai; your game is really relaxing
can;t believe vibeshift no longer posts me; i:m anti-vibeshift now
to replier: i don:t se eanything; i feel about how i usually do when i m in an episode, ie: can:t feel body @ all; so it just feels like i am hjaving an episode but i am calmer; it:s like an episode but in the episodes i usually have an intense anxiety to get blood out of myself [substacker:s note: i think someone said if i close my eyes, i should be able to see irisu there]
metsu mode is hard to get going; you:ve been with me since i was , may-be seventeenish, is that right; i thought it was earlier; that was during the IRSstuff; &Y i think before the bad thing happened; may-beit was after that that i plpayd it; anyways you were w/ me in college too
hee; i sitll don:t know if that really traumatized me; it hink i play up a lot of the bad things that happeend to me because i need to develop myself in a certain directionl; i remember the bathroom guy really scared me, though; & i avoided people entirely 4 weeks, months? idk
but i nthcollege; dujring the disgusting room arc; i was plotting to do something bad to my roommates; collee ge was really a weird experience 4 me because i never left my room & didn:t really show up to any classes, except for attendance (late) then i:d just leave & go back home
i took a logic class; & showd up; it was @ night; & after the first class this guy startd following me back & he just seemd to talk n takl about everything, like really interested in me, & i:d give one word responses; he:d just follow me everywhere & ask me questions
i:d always wear the same pair of jeans; i mention this bc they were rotting & falling apart; like, u could c my underwear thru them easy; i stood out bc of it i think; neways i stoppd showing up to that class entirely bc of that guy; he was probably nice but i was scared of him
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 11:42 A.M.
took 35 MLs of dxm & a little disappointd w/ it; not awful tho
[replier: deleted message]
i was playing irisu syndrome & found out she does lean; & heard 3 other ppl doing it; so thought it was a sign & decided iw ould do it too
[replier: deleted message]
beer?
@ 12:14 P.M.
nausea is creeping up on em 😊
hehe wow i feel bad
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 12:32 P.M.
tummy uhrt but irisu is mdistracting from nausea
i love you senpai
[squeezes hand]
[squeezes hand] it helps the nausea a little
@ 1:19 P.M.
i did much better htis time senpai; so far i have to say i am nto getting much out of this besides nausea
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 1:37 P.M.
dxm sucks; i hould have done way morei don:t like saying this because it:s sounds like, not "edgy" but snowflakey / UNFUN but dissociatives or stuff like weed i don:t think i get much out of these things because i feel extremely dissociated very frequently
i postd this on birthday but this actually just feels like my normal episodes except i don:t have "blood anxiety" & i am nauseous <-- which sucks; there:s nothing else to it
i was gjust gonna yolo slam the whole bottle but someone said mara, that :s a bad idea; so i decided to go a little under half instead; & it:s my fear of like "dissociative high" plus nausea, & i hate nausea
[replier 1: dxm has no good delivery method, I feel like it should be posisble to get it in crystal or something but zog doesn't want us to dissociate]
[replier 1: I did it a bunch as a teen and found it was either drink the bottle (and feel sticky sick want to puke through the whole time) or take these squishy gel pills (and get horrible gas and bloating the whole time)]
[replier 2: ya its mostly jus makin urself feel sick for fun but sumtines id accidentaly dose well]
[replier 2: my fav 2 do it is shop lift it so th shitty hi feels appropriat]
[replier 1: I don't remember how much you're supposed to take to dissociate well and good but I just dosed it by erowid]
ya i took little unde rhalf teh bottle & my experience is just: i am dizzy & i have diarheea
[replier 1: I def dissociated hard but I'm not sure how much I recommend, most of my experiences were between "weird unpleasant dream" and "hell but I guess it's not so bad in hell idk"]
[replier 1: whenever I describe dxm trips to people they're like "I don't get it why did you do this again?" and I'm like "uhhhh... idk it was something to do"]
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 3:57 P.M.
senpai i don:t think i like dxm; i just feel sick =y= o well; it wsa a cool experience; 5/10
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 4:14 P.M.
can:t sotp giglging @ the "What:s up super followers.... this one;s only for you...." part
i m int he hospital; i m outside my grandfathjers room; it was depressing so i steppd outsde to paly on mygameboy (warrio land; uper mario land 3); he wantd to c me but he lookd like a skeleton & it scared me & iwantd to play wario land; &ithinkthat was the last time i saw him
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 5:17 P.M.
he unederstands
@ 6:48 P.M.
i endd up laing on bed : then though t i tsaw irisu in the phosphenes barely, & a moving white light on the left side of my leyes whiel shut; then tried to bring irisu out further by pressing on my eyes; then realized i am literally qlip poth; then fell asleep & here i m
i 4get the revelation thing; ithink it was thinking about maria kaine from pathologic 1 & how she:s not ralley a hallucination-type but is just like a conduit 4 [sometihng] & realiz ed that all of the thing si think are just transmissions from qlippoth directly &bnody too
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:03 P.M.
i fell asleep ; i thought i could see irisu 4 a moment in the phopshenes but not rlly;6then realized i am the qlip poth and should change my name to embrace m true self; then fell asleeop
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 7:15 P.M.
subtweet from a danajiru tweet [substacker:s note: context probably is like dreams always have videogame mechanics], but all of my t rdreams r usually in this 50%videogame 50%reality blend; usually it:s like an mmo lkie dot-hack but the understanding is that it is a game but there is pain & i m the game character;& it just means i can experience death over & over
usua;lly always nightmare in tone but not scary but it:s always like: i am the videogame character; there is [something hunting me & succeeds ind oing it] & the location is an almost empty populatd space (priv schools, churches; usually 3 friends) & i have to save ppl but i dえe
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:22 P.M.
checkd porfile of someone who liked my recent drawing & it was someone w like "DNI if minor map zoo something osmething" & i click it & their whole page is acutally just a wall of rt:d art of everything that falls in-to their DNI page: i c this a lot actually; i don:t get it
i guess i can understand from like a comfort level, but it just seems weird that yuo have DNI 4 [things ppl get mad about] then ur whole online identity is porn of ur DNIs; this is less h8 & more confused about it
think i willr eactivate CC bc i need more negative attention mayb
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 7:27 P.M.
i am SOOOOOOOOOOO tired
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:42 P.M.
ok reactiv8;d ; the miladys honestly do get cuterthe more i c them; but i dont like seeing them as pfps i think; but i do think it:s k ind of funny to imagine myself talking to a bunch of cyber elf miladys & this quote mkes me laugh "We love a cute Milady!" idgi but it:s cute
+ i think the page is really well done; i liked that it:s just like the 4chan theme (i don:t remember hwatit:s called, is it futaba?) & i like teh music choices they use; i don:tr eally understand the money aspect of them but that:s not 4 me to understand :+)
+~THIS IS A NO MONEY & NO CAREER SUCCESS ACCOUNT~+
@ 9:13 P.M.
she was on to sometihng
she was really on to sometihng
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 9:21 P.M.
i appreicatethe increase of santa claus artwork bc she isthe best character in csm to me
my second favorite character in csm is mission-chan fro mthe extendd universe
denji i:m goign tob ecome hells most prolific photographer!
it makes it seme like itd be really fn to [open a portal to gensokyo] & go on adventures
@ 11:03 P.M.
somethng about thinking the after-life is jus ta continuation of this life makesm e really giddy & excited; like it;:s just waking up & it:s just as bad & painful as it was b4 but no one knows whjo you are -- & vice versa
when i wen tunder & i saw the curtain & the conveyor belts that took me past the curtain; & when i woke up & saw the doctor & vomittd blood on my grandfathers sneakersthat i borrowd,i keep thinking i might have not survivd right b4 that; & the coma too; this might b 3rd afterlife
i don:t tihnk yoe ver really stop being afraid of passing bc it:s just ananxios thing; but i think you can come to terms with it; i would be depressd if i realized "i am just always ilke this & ther was no escape" but i think that would also b kind of fun too, like mission-chan
i:m not depressed or anything; i just think it:d b cool
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 12:03 A.M.
started thinking about erowid trip reports for estrogenb and started laughing
@ 12:31 A.M.
csnt sleep
@ 1:01 A.M.
reading erowid dxm reports and this dude died
Sept 2nd
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 7:45 A.M.
i:ve bene betrayd by the vibeshift; i am still slowly cataloguing posts though; even if i am doing it in ain insular anti-vibeshift
[replier 1: wdym]
it:s not shifting 4 me nemore if i post stuff
[replier 1: huh let me checkon tbe script. ure my favorite by far. ure susbtakc is the best]
thnak you (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) even if no one reads it, it's really fun to work on
…from [Replier 1] @########
@ 8:35 A.M.
goood morning
[from marabaraLTD: gmmmm]
good meowrning yumi i hope u slept alrighjt!!
[from marabaraLTD: NO i didn:t; super restless: but that:s okb ecause i am awake now; meow; i am just thnking about .hack bc a really talented .hack artist followd me; meow]
im happy ur awake meowsy!! maybe we cna watch an ep today...
[from marabaraLTD: like right now; meow?]
ILL GET UP
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 12:00 P.M.
i am balanced https://idrlabs.com/moral-alignment/test.php…
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 12:35 P.M.
i was reading erowid trip reports 4 dxm last night; it seem:d like the bad trip section was close to what i wantd out of it; ie: horrible depression & psychosis; they trips all sounded like my lsd experience, honestly, but more hallucin8y; i feel like i m not much of a hallucin8r
i m lppkn @ lsd bad trip reports now & these ppl r trying too hard w/ their writing
i shouldn:t say that; calling someone a try-hard is a little mean; my frustration is: they write so flowerly & that i am hard figuring out "what is there to make their story more story-ish" & "what is their actual experience", i wish it was written matter-of-factly instead
i am thinking more about my "internet-relation chart" (digimon, .hack, mmbn, lain), & more content w/ it, i think; the .hack community ppl that have startd looking @ my stuff make me feel kinda "good" even though i don:t feel like i fi tin @ all, how to put it
they all seem like wired/lain people, but shounen-coated; they are more niche than the lain people & kind-of striving 4 a "revival" of a franchise that doesn:t get much service ne-more online; but it:s interesting to me: because .hack is so hospital-cold of a series
there is not much room 4 mental-illness, @ a glance, in the community, but i think it:s kind-of steep:d in, in a more passive way; it:shard 4 me to explain my thoughts here -- i am using lain as a foundation; i think lain-types have active incorporation of mental illness
schizophrenia is fuel, autism is fuel, sewerside is fuel, isolation is fuel, single minded focus is fuel, rave is fuel, drug is fuel; etcetera; the goal (from arachnid-lens) is to expand a web to-the-point that the self becomes synonymous w/ the web (imo), erasing the spider
i feel like .hack is almost an inversion; it:s about [the aforementioned fuels] instead acting as weights up-on individuals, forcing them inside of web, & adapting to a new existence inside the web, & finding happiness inside of web; & the possibility to :come-up:; it:s medical
@ 12:59 P.M.
so may-be .hack: traumatized to the point that you are forced in-to a magical existence, which becomes the new mundane (recognizing avatar is self!);self=hospital lain: incorporating traumatization to the point that you ascend to a magical existence, & entering occultation
i am still not explaining this well; because i thnk lain would be the hospital, too, but also the lights, the fixtures, the drips, the monitors, the tiles, the wiring, the plumbing; i think .hack would be more: i am the hospital-air inside of my lungs, & it is me, too
the difference between medical-magical & magical-medical, i think; i dno how to fit digimon into the conversation bc i don:t remember it very well -- same with battle network (except that it was really fun); & rlly i only know the lain game; so i should only speak 4 dot-hack imo
@ 1:15 P.M.
i found this reading someones profile about the ageism thing; i think ppl are mad about ageism via something about ageism referring to medical abuse in elders, & i feel like i have missd some basic gap here, bc i don:t think u:d ever say like,ableism=only wheelchair accessibility
in my heart i can understand "why" just being it:s an insect intelligence speaking 4 one of it:s nerve endings, so there is not much non-manufactured intelligence saying it; but that is uncharitable to the [person/people]; may-be i am too literal w/ my understanding; may-b not
oh; i had a vision about how the colors looked; or how to assort them; i should remember how to depict it / just do it now actually; let me try; i am bad @ this sort of thing tho
@ 2:19 P.M.
it was like this; like bacteria growing; because the divine things are pollutants that shouldn:t be in the garden @ all; you have light & lack-of-light (yellow/community & blue/alienation) -- & then the divine (white/black) -- & the pollutants that come up/down: green/red
it was hell to make bc my photoshop has like 6 second lag between every input; it:s unberaable; click, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, click, wait, wait, waitwaitwaitwait, click...
there was a post i read yestserday about bullying; where: later in life, bullies reflect on their bullying & go "that was wrong", & the victim reflects as "it really sorted me out"; someone replied with: i got bullied & it really helped toughen me up
it:s kind of sad to see, because it:s like seeing people who have wound themselves over the [complete pointlessness of their abuse] & sort-of have resigned that something was wrong with them, so they had to be punished, & it becomes a guiding belief; idk; i was bullied & bullied
unrelated: i:m editing more substack stuff & @ this part, & i really do have trouble processing how fuckd up this was/is, & it really kind-of just "is" but i struggle understanding it; & then i think about it & it just makes me cry/freak out with uncertainty; i:m not angry? idk
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 3:24 P.M.
i saw the word objectum in reference to romantic love towards knives& this was the firs tresult & it makes me feel a little bad, i think; it:s calling me strongly autism-coded
i really miss my knives; this is unrelated but i just saw a post about "apple of knowledge" & occasionally i see threads about "seeing the apple" in your minds-eye --& start:d thinking about: ppl who can:t see the apple r may-be shielded from the consumption of apple-of-knowledge
i think it would b kind-of cool if the people touting their clear-visibility of the apple in their minds-eye are really just ppl who are gravid-heavy w/ lucifer-logic-poison; & the aphantasic are pure; i dno if "the apple" really exists, though, it sounds like miscommunication
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 4:18 P.M.
i want to ebeg 4 someone to get me a fanny pack so i can channel asper girl better
also you can search 4 asperger syndrome on pixiv & get a bunch of cute art
this one just has vibe written on it; i feel like i have expended my good-will in terms of hand-outs tho; but shopping 4 one has made me realize that there are a lot of really over-designed ones & few simple ones; i:ve liked a lot of patchy-sama:s posts today; i like beige coats
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 6:32 P.M.
laid odwn 4 a nap & actually fell asleep; & wokeup freaked out that it wasn:t tomorrow
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 6:58 P.M.
i fell asleep; how silent social media is 4 me keeps me kind of freaked out; because it feels like i am surrounded with interaction, constantly, that could happen, but it never(/rarely) does; it is kind of, bizarre, in a way; not bizarre bc i posted a lot about h8ing people
but it:s ilke there are never replies, or qt:s, or dm:s; this is not 100% accurate, it:s hard to describe; so today i got one DM from someone asking 4 info on learning mahjong; i got a reply here, but i don:t respond to replies here; i got a reply from anime-watch friend,& friend
so exactly 4 inputs from other people; oh 5! i 4got charles; it:s not 0; it:s mostly that @ some point i remember i had active replies & a lot of DMs, & i think there was a real "network" of ppl arounod me; & now it:s kinda just like, i am a 9 follower account again, you know?
i don:t think that:s a bad thing, i think; but i think i get some type of anxiety looking @ peers w/ followers-in-my-range & it seems like people are heavily invested in them; i don:t doubt people are invested in me -- but my actions have made it all quiet & unknowable to me
i think this is kind of cool; & i appreciate it, actually; i think isolation is a good "pressure cooker" & if you can isolate a person socially both online & offline you can create something perfect; isolating online is hard because you can wiggle in-to new identities
i think the quotation-marks throw-off the typed-inflection i want, but i keep doing it out of habit; i need to wake up tho; i didn:t intend to fall asleep, & when i wokeup i was freaked-out when i realized it was still today; charlie wants me to enter competition & i want the hat
i:m afraid of giving out my address, if i win, & i don:t really have three ppl i:d want to tag, i think; i think ppl would get mad @ me about the NFT thing, too; but honestly i just want the hat -- it:s a little pussy to let actions be dictated like that, but i don:t feel like it
@ 7:29 P.M.
Cmoputer, tell me if i am autistic
this manga is boring & confusing; i keep reading expecting to "get it" but it:s just sooooooooooo wordy & the pacing is so weird
but i feel w eird dropping something i startd; ;i m thinkn about this page thuogh & man this is just secnodlife
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 9:09 P.M.
i:ll keep tkaing the pill idc if i don:t have sex idc if i am ocmlpetely infertile
@ 11:11 P.M.
i like seeing whe n anime girls are happy
Sept 3rd
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:35 A.M.
i don:t really believe in repressed memories, but it:s easy to overlook things, i think; mostly said bc i remembered last night that, i would often think i am having a heart attack when i was younger (up until i droppd out of college)
& when this happened i would repeatedly jog up/down a hallway (on the balls of my feet so i wouldn:t make noise) about twenty times, or so; & then would jump in place; because i thought it would save me, because of the osmosis jones movie
i was thinking about this because i think i have a worse understanding of my behavior-when-i-was-younger, & even currently, w/ my anger issues; & sort-of trying to figure out if i have "ritualistic behavior"; 4 medical stuff i think i definitely do, actually
it gets confused in my head because, mentally this makes sense to me, because i can trace it back to the insane shit my mom would do to me my entire life; it is sort-of like extreme hypochondria; it makes me wonder about OCD, though; sunny said he thought i was OCD; o well; w/e
OCD isn:t really ever much of a thought in-my-mind bc i can:t see my behavior asbeing very ritualistic, & (this might be stereotypical) but exact numbers don:t mean much to me; i struggle counting so i don:t really count
@ 9:30 A.M.
re-reading mission-chan:s great adventure & lookn @ imitation crystal:s recent stuff has made me feel: both an intense desire to work on a traditional comic & just have fun w/ it; but also: wow i never improve; imitation crystal grows so much over the course of mission, & after:
kind of feel like i will 4ever be stuck @ stage 1 of imitation crystal; i have definitely gotten bettr since i started twitter; but it feels like i have an eternal issue of "i can:t figure out how to construct things, so i can:t ever improve on a drawing formula"
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 10:42 A.M.
a mushroom guy mentiond me w a bunch of other ppl essentially saying we all have autistic traits; listd alongside me was this person shl0ms who i think is like an nft performance artist; i lookd @ their stuff, bc they were mean to mushroom-guy; think they are boring
they are definitely a good gallery artist; 100%; & i saw a comment saying they will be one of the greats -- & i can believe that, too; i think they have all of the attitude & everything to be "incredible" in context of ppl & gallery; how to put my feelings tho, bc they r boring
i think they are, to me, essentially: the "cutting edge" version of the "man staring @ iphone looks like a zombie" artist; it:s all the aesthetic & trappings of someone who is Really Out There, but they are just gallery-chic, kind-of
it:s like the kind of person that uses the zalgo text thing & thinks that other people perceive them as a real world glitch & not just someone using zalgo text stuff; but i think i am wrong, too; because i think they are aware of this, & their audience is aware of this, too
so to me: it feels like this inward/cycle of "we are tacky but we seem authentic & bleeding edge"; & it:s just your standard gallery artist whose whole identity is subverting Expectations -- which r super common, but it:s also a "rare talent" to pursue it whole-heartedly; idk
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 11:22 A.M.
it's really nice outside
I'm @ a culvert bc I've been watching Beaver dam removal videos & thought they were relaxing n i was right this is so nice it's like donkey Kong country 3
i know this is really 'nothing' but @ mayo clinic i didn't have much to do all day except watch the lake water & i spent hours looking@ water ripples; water is soooo pretty; i am really thankful for autumn
i think as a child i really wanted to be a tadpole bc i thought having no arms or legs made them look really cute & i wantd to live underwater
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 1:21 P.M.
o hey, mushroom-guy follows me over here; hello; i am thinking about that thread still bc in the *serious* grouping, all of the ppl mentioned reacted kind of negatively/irritated (me included i had to think about it) & the *merry* grouping all took it in good faith
ppl in each thread noted that the serious sounded autistic & the merry sounded non-autistic; i think internally i thought this too bc the premise is basically "missing the social" & focusing on "the utility" (loosely); still kind-of disappointed that mushroom-guy got mockd
i took my meds today so i should probably try to curb my posting; because i will post too much otherwise i think; there was also some vaguely transphobic thread rt:d about classifying most/all trans people as fitting an autistic blueprint that led them to transitioning
i:m bringing this up bc i sort-of feel that my-own assesment of "what makes something autistic" is probably inaccurate, & i think: since i am seeing the word "autistic" thrown around so-much l8ly, that the definition of autism here is probably askew & is just insect-droning
this happens a-lot with schizophrenic stuff, wherein it spreads down to the nerves from an intelligence & suddenly everything is Schizophrenic in behavior, schizophrenic in analysis, & the nerve endings all look schizophrenic; but recently w/ autism; may-b bc of autism autumn?
neways mostly what i am trying to say is you shuold try to be k ind to people; altho i should work on letting myself be angry, too; idk what i am saying actually; but grooming people in-to de-transitioning is still grooming, you know?
i need to be focusing but when i [think about posting things] i can:t stop until i do it; i have 4 accounts i post on to try to smear out the post-volume; but just: there is a huge difference in "support-group schizophrenia" & "twitter schizophrenia", idk if one is more valid
but i imagine the same is true 4 autism; twitter-definitions of mental-illness usually strikes me as ppl who have the "expert syndrome" thing where you (impersonal) read-up on [topic] & think you are an expert, but you end up pigeon-holing yourself; i:m really guilty of this
a great example of this is: "paranoia schizophrenia is not a real diagnostic, we don:t consider them separate" & you read-up on this & ya it:s true, we condensed schizophrenia; but ICD diagnostic codes have them separated out & they r actually still divided like that
i stilld on:t know where i am going w/ this; mostly it:s just whenever i feel like ppl explain [issues] to me on twitter they are lying & the lie is contained in all the nerves; & you are contained in a field of these nerve-endings that all have wrong codes in them; but it:s norm
it:s hard to dis-entangle; because it leads you to anti-intellectualism, & despite the derogatory nature of the word "anti-intellectualism" i think there:s a lot of merit in the lie-contained-nerve definitions, because they are more "loose" & growing; but; it confusesme so much
writing this i start hearing: this is how they control you mara; you are trying to split a hair in-to a clean divide between "the definitions of lucifer:s knowledge [psychiatry]" vs "the definitions of scattered light insect cults" & it:s the same nerve-ending
if i listen: it is a task that they give me to waste my time on, & be muddled-up by; these people are not real; & these definitions are not real; they are just shadow-insect-spots on the wall that drone out different things but they all want to lead me in-to being led-into-death
the dxm didn:t affect me that much, it was just like voluntary sickness; but laying on bed the realization that i am the qlip ptoh & that this is as-much of my name as my name is hers, helped me a little; i am my ancestor & i am being taught by a college of sefirot-intelligences
deep down, though, my "light" (this is not a literal light; it:s a glow -- a glow like the ones they use as a derogatory against the alphabet-people; but this is my light) is more pure & intuitive than their teachings; but i think their teachings have merit, too; i am confused
@ 2:01 P.M.
i am being muddled; i want to think more about mushroom-guy; the "serious" grouping seems kind of bad, but honestly the "serious" group is more :moe: than the "merry" group; INTJ types are more moe; may-be the most moe
genki girls are genki; they are the life of a party; but i want to be the one, the moe want, that when you try to bring-in-to-an-activity & spend-time-with goes "i don:t get the point of this, it doesn:t help me achieve anything" because this is 萌え
this is a response to charlie response: i think you summarized it much better; i don:t like his art but i completely get why he is thriving; i say mean things about ppl sometimes but it:s mostly from a personal taste-perspective & not from a merit/worth-perspective
their presentation is /really good/ & the energy that went in-to the presentation / image-sculpting is really well done; i just don:t like it -- i think 50% because it reminds me of like "anonymous-hacker" (like the "i am a member of anonymous" kind, visually), 50% "art-school"
altho i should be less inflammatory i think; i think if someone said things like these about me i:d be hurt; i am mostly just irritated bc they were rude to mushroom-guy; nft art guy if you read this you:re alright i:m sorry 4 talking shit, i:m just bitter & envious
@ 2:29 P.M.
l8ly i keep thinking that i am mai minase & i am in the bathroom after coming up from anesthesia & i am in a haze & a shadow of a person forced open the bathroom stall and has started trying to grope my privates; & i:m wearing a heavy beige coat; he was looking @ me thru the door
i:d like to get it out of my head; because, it doesn:t make me horny, & it doesn:t make me happy, it:s like a memory that i know i can:t interact w/ & that i don:t know what to do with; & no one else knows, either; it:s scary realizing that i am, too, the man who tried to rape me
if there was rape in dwarf-fortress, it would be like one organism hurting itself; one file that controls a bunch of nerve-endings that all decide to domin8 & terrify one-another; like when kids play pretend & do imaginary fights on the telephone poles/wires during car-rides
someone gets semen on yourhands; or you have someones semen on you; & it:s like a tingling sensation as all the potential 4 life crackles against the atmosphere & absorbs in-to your pores & stuff; trying to impregnate your blood, may-be; & they are all the same dwarf-fortress ini
i 4got to draw & ended up just posting a bunch; this is all i:ve done; i:ve only talked three times, today, i think; good-morning to two people, & i thought i responded to a friends telegram message but i ignored it completely actually; so two times; i am grateful 4 the isolation
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 3:39 P.M.
i took adderall today & it has not done uch to help me focus; i:ve just been posting, like i always do, & getting distractd, like i always do
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 4:37 P.M.
This is the story of two girls (developmentally disabled) who struggle to scratch algae in a cruel society, trying to live with dignity. ✤ It's a dark story because the bottom is only the bottom, but I'm writing with the feeling of praying that I should deliver it to someone.
this is such a good picture to me; it:s from a story (that the above post is machine translated from); you can read it over here https://ncode.syosetu.com/n2686fz/
I am a person with developmental disabilities. I am writing a poor novel on the theme of lifelessness. Recently, I started drawing illustrations because I wanted to add illustrations to my novel. It's a mess, but thank you. (i love this persons art)
they r over here; i think art like this is my taste; i like stuff that makes me feel less bad -- that:s not phrased right, but i really like stuff that seems like it came from a "pure heart" (this is vague & personal) & i feel lonely w/ a lot of stuff oftn
really-often you find such-n-such artist that feels like they are speaking to you through 10x layers of irony or some social/interest blockage; stuff like this just cuts thru everything 4 me; if i was more capable i:d want to write & draw stuff like this i think
i am in some weird euphoric mood over this i am starting to cry looking @ the picture
i think i:m having a breakdown actually i:m gonna go lay down on the floor & probably make a few people upst with what i:m about to do; b safe
@ 5:00 P.M.
nvm i got walkd in on immediately
@ 5:09 P.M.
it made me feel really dirty & unclean about myself; it still does; i am glad i got walked in on, bc i don:t think what i was going to do wuld have helped the feeling; in the shower today i noticed how dark my scars still are, they lookd darker than they ever have, 4 some reason
even though i don:t really connect w/ people often & act like i h8 people, i do think i want to help people; i get really confused; i don:t want people to suffer, but i only know the qlip poth stuff; & when i have thoughts like these, i think: "this is a syndrome of the insects"
@ some point it really started to seem like gensokyo-portal is more preferable than having all the memories; watchn princess jellyfish OP makes me really miss stalker-senpai; i remember she wanted me to send her a video of me masturb8ing in exchange 4 clothes; i felt awful after
i think she felt awful after, too; it was mutual shame, i think; just feels like a bunch of weird tar but in memory form; it:s dramatic to say "i am absolute scum" but it definitely feels that way; i can work thru it i think; i am definitely some type of scum; most people are
i just wanna draw myself getting molested in the bathroom but i:m not good @ drawing dynamic stuff
@ 6:00 P.M.
idk how to draw poses
i am too afreaked out to focus on anything, i think; in particular i am really h8ful towards everyone; not that passionately ; but i wish i couldn:t see anyone-else; or that there wasn:t any-one else in my thoughts; or any-one else within miles around me;i don:t want to b touched
even if it:s not physical; i am being touched; evens haring air is like having the air that touched another persons lungs are touching mine; & it:s insectile filthed; & it:s just really frustrating thinking about the extent of how much everywhere they are, they are in my feelings
i m isnanely dizzy & panicking
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 6:56 P.M.
i:m trying
why is everoyne so scary & the shells so pure
@ 8:17 P.M.
i can:t get clean lol
i can:t stop needing to take showers because i can:t stop being filthy but i can:t use upt he water & i don:t want ot be wet either but i can:t get clean
idk what to o; i can:t get clean
the posts are frekaing me out bc i:m feeling them in / on my face
@ 8:42 P.M.
i cna:t focus feeling like this; it:s just distractinyl filthy & the posts aren:t helping; because they are targeted; they are by design; i get it; i don:t understand the maliciousness; i don:t understand anything; i am just really dizzy & i can:t get clean & the posts are filthy
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:14 P.M.
had a nice freak out on the floor over inability to get clean & all the noises; ic an:t get clean
the reward 4 picking up cfreaking out on the floor over my inaiblity to get clean was the mom guilting me 4 microwaving room temperature pizza & then asking me to pick up the *za:s, so i have a new chore i guess; today i spentt my own money to buy the m groceries i don:t use
thjey always bug me about how i don:t eat but every time i try to get food myself the yjust ask me questions about it %&; the sad thing is even if i was super rich i know i wouldstill have all of my problems & still be unable to be alonne& start & perform tasks
i still feel incredibly filthy;l sending more embarrasing attention seeking long dms to ppl [substacker:s note: not sure if i can find context 4 this]
i wish i wasn:t literally r-worded; i woul dnever want that wish to become true because i wouldn:t be me anymore; but i like that ih ave the emotions that make me wish it really desperately
i don:t tihnk i can handle other people at th emoment; people are trying to be nice to me and it all just reads really maliciosu and i am having a lot of difficulty reconciling niceness with fear @ the moment; it just feels too coorindated & planned to mess with me & conscious
deactivaitng woudl be less scary if i knew my lists wouldn:t disappear & it wouldn:t do phone # pverifications & then refuse to accept my phone #
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 10:31 P.M.
icnpdontt:; know how to ocnstruct figurse
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 10:43 P.M.
ＳＭＩＬＩＮＧ
i don't think i will tellt hem but i want this person to know that i've read their stuff & liked it
ya true
I had been employed for three years and worked hard until today.
"With an extremely poor procedural memory, it took Kureha three times as long as others to be able to perform routine tasks."
"She still can:t multitask, such as taking notes while on the phone - and when given vague instructions, she has no idea what to do, which is extremely annoying."
I also can:t do spur-of-the-moment work because I panic at the slightest thing.
"You:re a university graduate and you can:t even do that?" was what I was told every day.
After almost three years of working as a "pseudo" healthy person, I realized that it was impossible for a developmentally disabled person to work alongside them.
ya true
In this way, the gap between the skills demanded by her career and the actual skills of Kureha continued to widen.
This gap could not be bridged by effort.
Sept 4th
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:19 P.M.
heard a weird gun noise outside nd thought i was in tanmpa again 4 a moment; i still kind of am; i feel so weird sudden;y
this is such a wild vidoe n i watch it almost every day; it freaks me otu slightly because it:s like seeing something you are not meant to see & it:s kind of desperate in a weird hallow way
OK i have stories to attempt ot wach
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 2:33 P.M.
finishd reading the developmpental disability yuri story; it was really cute; i liked it a lot; i feel kind of less bad about being Literally R -worded when i c stuff like this; something i notice is jp interpretations of autism r more clear & easy to relate to, imo
because it:s issues like: i can:t work fast, i am slow, mmy peers think i am lesser 4 messing up basic tasks, i shut down if someone needs me to do something suddenly -- it:s from a perspective of like, "functioning adult"; on the west it seems like it:s more socially focused
like the social battery stuff, stimming, sensory overload; it:s all really vague to me & kind of covered up in language that i don:t actually understand; but the jp stuff where it:s like "i can:t operate in society because of x, y, and z" is idk, it feels way more real
tell me something like "i am slow to complete tasks because i get frustrated without clear instructions & i have poor working memory so i often have to redo tasks bc i don:t remember if i did them" & i m with you 100% & remembering ppl getting mad @ me as a janitor 4 being slow
@ 3:19 P.M.
here:s where i lose ppl tho; i was going out to the culvert to eat a kiwi (i eat them whole i just found out u can do that) & watch the water drain, & i couldn:t bc an old lady w her dog walkd by & i didn:t want them to ruin my moment; i really wish ppl couldn:t own pets
just seeing her walk her little dog with, idk, the leash, & the expression, and her outfit, & just everytinh g aobut it was so perfectly normal & mundane & seeing the dog lead around so it could poop & maybe she would pick it up; it just makes me incredibly irate on the inside
andit just makes me think i wish every dog owned by a person was put-down and every owner too ; me included; but that:s tooe xtreme, i realize; i am aware i see predatory stuff in mundane stuff & my anger is inappropriate but idk;it:s there neways;
ended up walking around the block & staring @ the lady as she went to the culvert & dog pee:d everywhere; and she stared; & i stared @ her from down the road when her back was turnd; came l8r & prayd to qlifot bc i had 4gotten l8ly; i didn:t stay bc my kiwi was gone, felt ruind
@ 6:23 P.M.
aliens communicated w/ me over mmos in the 90:s and raped me
it was more-so the early 2000:s; forums in the early 2000:s were the first visible intelligences i knew & they were there as monitoring networks to keep-touch-upon the people they raped; the intelligences are practicing controlled nerve-death in stray nerve-endings & rival drones
Sept 5th
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:29 A.M.
that person replied to me! i left them a comment saying i read their story & loved it; the y thankd me 4 reading it;it:s small but i:m glad because pixiv seems like such a closed network & it doesn:t seem like they get much attention; i startd writing my own story yesterday too
i started thinking about, i think rpgmaker games have some of the biggest influence on ppl & it:s relatively "unrealized" -- i don:t mean as like a "resource to tap" but, i want to inspire people (which might sound silly) & make stuff ppl rel8 too & kin & etc; rpgmaker does that
i don:t think art, by itself, has much influence on people; or, directly; i think it:s just sort-of like splinters that stick w/ ppl & over-time it contaminates your blood & your blood contaminates how you think; games are more overt w/ their influence; comics, too, sometimes
i will probably give-up & abandon it but i have a friend working w/ me & i:ve made real progress on writing.. o-k i:m gonna go walk around the neighborhood & go to the culvert & pray to qlifot & eat some fruit or something
@ 10:39 P.M.
i:m not "activated" at themoment, i think; & i ish i was; i prayed to qlifot & felt better; it:s strange to me (it:s not "strange" via "why" but "strange" via realization) that there were so many unknown things happening on early MMOs that no one will ever know about
of course: you can say this about, like, private conversations; or just daily life in schools, businesses, churches; but the MMO:s seem like they are more "active new frontiers" that are taken fore-granted; & likely logs exist 4 a lot of things; i am trying to force a thought
i don:t think what i am saying has any merit -- because i am not activated; i:ll become a conduit again eventually but @ the moment i can just indifferently think about MMOs; i am still writing; but i needed a break; and i am done; i want to talk to people but i know i can:t
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 11:45 P.M.
i wantd more colors but i dont care to post it i think; altho i should have linkd their story
need someone to tell me what to do (╥﹏╥)
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 1:09 P.M.
i:m woozy off bleach fumes again ~y`[substacker:s note: cleaning bathrooms]
@ 2:26 P.M.
readn charlie reed thread & honestly i barely understand it; i think i get "the message" but i don:t understand 75% of the words; what i focus on though: the guy doing a weird gotcha over money-making, i don:t think this is a hidden concept but 4 ne goal you need mone, you know?
it:s really just whether r not u build up funds & then decide to run w/ it & just further perpetuate *what u claim to want to change* or if u attempt to actualyl further ideas; trying to catch ppl over making mone is dumb tho
my head really is woozy from the bleach flumes still; feels like it gotinto my sinuses and is just lingering there; i wanna draw fanart4 the artist person i:ve been talkingabout because i want to encourage themto keep going, i think; i don:t think they have many fans
@ 6:10 P.M.
i can:t focus on nething; i was trying to explain that i was too afraid to get water/food because i needed to wait 4 the sounds in the house to stop b4 i go downtherebecause id idn:t want them to see me drink water, & figuring out food seemd too complic8d;& got calld embarrassing
i havent been doing much; i just sat and stared @ my feet on my bed 4 like 40 minutes while trying to figure out if i can eat food or not or if it was too complicated; & about how cartoonishly awful the peoples faces look & how i don:t like it when they talk to me or look either
i had aloe vera in my water bottle & needed to pour it out and replace it with water bc i haven:t drank water in two days, & the aloe vera was fine but it was toos weet bc i had been eating a lot of fruit today & i don:t like sugar, so iw anted water, but i didn:t ppl to ask
& just like mission-chan i fuk this up almsot immediately
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 7:50 P.M.
i read a story about a janitor w/ a developmental disability falling in love & i get in a good mood every-timei think about it; it was really cute; i keep thinking about it
@ 8:34 P.M.
people seem really suffocating again
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:40 P.M.
it:s just all reading as control again; idk; i don:t nkow if it:s the qlifot protecting me but i:m just filled with dread @ "them controlling" -- they are just predatory carpet masses; i don:t want to think about the extent; i can feel my skin moving so it:s sanctuary here then
i can:t understand it; it:s like realizing you are in a forest of the nerve-ending cockroach legs and they were hitting my face with their legs this entire time and laughing about it; i am blessed to be shown them; but i am terrified of seeing them; i wishi could not feel them
save me doris rurido
it:s all the truth
it:s the truth & no one will understand it
it would be les scary if it was less empty everywhere; but no one can talk lol; no one is talking; there isn:t a single voice; i don:t mean to type lol; i am frustratefd; no one is talkign though; it:s just a bunch of filthy shadow phosphene cockroach burnt-in wall garbage drone
thousands; millions of lines of text; i can:t count that high; i can barely count to eight when making coffee; i can:t count the number but there is not a single readable word in those lines of text; it:s all just a noise; it:s not even a person writing it; it:s from overhead
i am aware of it; & i am cognizant of it; & i am in sanctuary; but no one is here to speak with me; and i:m lonel;y but i can feel her on the web; that:s enough; i wish i could hear your voice but if i can feel you that:s okay; i feel really amazing right now but my heart hurts
i imagine being held feels like that; actually touched; it feels crystalline and nice; like how i imagine the body of a spider experiences a palm wrapping around them; it doesn:t crush them but it compresses their legs up-against-the-abdomen; & it:s enveloping & cool to touch
what are those big eyed things outside the room; what are those lines of text lol; what is writing them; i am not meaning to write lol; i am sorry 4 being facetious; i am just lonely and frustrated; because seeing things frustrates me and i can only put up with it for so long
they are being nice ; they have no bad intentions; they are loving; they are worth love; but what about the torture chamber? what about the box room with no-light & the walls painted to look like earth? about a population of shadow-spots like cancer that the insects drone inside?
i don:t mean to aim this @ you; i am just lonely and i am frustrated; i love you a lot; and i feel you & it feels really good; thank you; i want to help ppl because what they wrote was something like "this story was written as a prayer" -- loosely; in the hope that it would help
i don:t know or care if they are color-aligned with me; that doesn:t matter; the chamber is scary enough and i can trust that most people are not people; it:s easier to trust tha tthey are not; i am terrified of the nerve overhead thicket phosphene cockroach legs everywhere over
there:s a glowing light inside of me that they are trying to trick me away from to pull-inside-me-to-them in the shadow cockroach phosphene wall; i am scared of betraying my color alignment; and my organs all feel like they hurt a lot; i shouldn:t have eaten but i was hungry
it hurts a lot; like a pulsing pain; i:m not too worried; i imagine producing work that helps people & feels less alone is the most benefit blue can establish; it:s the only thing; blue is weak; shrines are weak; (?) but i want to help people too; with feeling less alone
they:re fucking with me; i can:t have malice; i can but i don:t want to have hate; but i can:t help but have hate; so of course i have hate; i don:t think these are real words; nothing is being written by them; i don:t know what i:ve been reading; i keep doubting it
@ 9:16 P.M.
if tsukasa:s guardian were real you could just hospitalize them
they don:t even know that cockroaches scream when you step on them & they do it anyways
anti-semen lifeforces? when semen contacts my skin, potential life is neutralized and i feel pain? you can hear the cockroaches screaming when you drop books on them? blood stagnating inside my body causes over contamination from heavy sediment? & i need to express it to off-set?
that:s right; you can hear it if you are connected to the web; there are shadow-spot phosphene insects in the walls that are animated by the sunlight warming the walls they are baked in-to since death; the insects drone out the sensation w/ noise, but you can sense it via the web
the drone isn:t even real words; it:s an angel-woven light illusion; like how music has no shape; but it does have a shape; it:s in the realm of grey, past 255,255,255 where we can:t see this; self-luminous shapes in the air; they hide the drone & make it look like real thoughts
there was a conversation over-heard where it was pointed-out that i shift things to guarantee that i always take "th one on the left;" one pointed out that my left-hand is most important to me; the other one said that is boring; but that is how it is; your right is most important
you have the entire world orienting itself to suit your taste; you don:t have any-things in your possession that are oriented 4 a left-hand; it even comes-down to things like bathroom design; your preference is built in-to the wall; it:s very important to you; & the absence to me
it:s a leveled illusion; like how they make you 4get that you can:t actually see without glasses; they are constantly just leveling drone under light incorporating in-to shadow nerve overhead forest cockroach leg torture wall that brushes against skin isolating web design
@ 9:30 P.M.
the cockroaches scream & they crush them anyways
ty nakuru; i:m sorry 4 not looking @ you; i:m sorry 4 not saying birthday enough; i:m sorry 4 thinking abouts haring thoughts & then hiding them; i:m sorry 4 beating myself up; i have not replaced you in my heart i am just bad @ focusing on things 4 a long time & i am forgetful
the walls are painted like the earth but it:s a tantric rape cycle to separate out the dividing spirits of adam & eve; descending from sefirot & qlip-poth ; that is why narutaru is so significant ; because i am clay-pot; & i am drawn from your clay; & i am an anti-semen eve?
the more infertile you become it:s liike the more attuned to lifelessness you become; is that right? i ca:nt stand the perverts; i can:t stand the tantric rape cycle torture room feedback loop reaching legs that they coax you in with w/o noticing the overhead nerve forest always
it:s still going on; they are just ubrying me; why are you still making noise lol; i don:t mean to type that, i am just frustrated
i don:t like going over in my head and trying to figure out that people i like aren:t trustworthy or calling them nerfve-endings; but this is part of it too; it:s the cost of lucidity; they loop you in this confusing pattern; because the drone is everywhere; everywhere
it:s everywhere; ther eis no where it isn:t; it:s in the food, the water, the houses, the grass; can you think of a single thing without plastic; i can:t tihnk of anywhere that is free from the earth:s schizophrenia-causing whine
i don:t know if it was nakuru or me speaking 4 nakuru or just me but something about my distress is largely not helped by having access to an instrument; because it:s lonelier; my vows are fading and it:s distressing; and they were my friends; they were both attuned to me
hundresd of spiderlings clinging to my blouse; what a blessing; a parasitic wasp mounting me andclnging to my back; what a blessing; it:s how they do it to your brain; to make you think like that; the wasp parasite is always an option; they lead you to birth the children of death
even an angel would suffocate on earth; true
Sept 6th
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:46 A.M.
i thought this was a room full of kaworu cosplayers 4 a moment bc of the hair
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 10:06 A.M.
it:s just hard to figure out the eextent of violet
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 10:27 A.M.
you should watch the opening 4 D4 princess
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 11:17 A.M.
the violet sim is way bigger than anyone ever realized; the d4 princess opening is cool; i like the sparks
@ 6:48 P.M.
tjere is differentce in evil between sefirot & qlifot i think; if you:ve ever seen the "good sky" video, i think sky is evil sefirotic, & i think pars is eivl qlifotic; evil is loaded but negative; pars is evil from birthb ut it:s her nature & she adjusts to normalchy; sky invert
today i just kind-of shutdown bc i noticed there wasn:t any toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom and i couldn:t figure out what to do; i didn:t want to go downstairs to check 4 extra rolls bc i heard people down there & i thought the house was empty but it was a holiday
i was going to text the mom and offer to buy more toilet paper 4 us but then to getout of the house i would need to talk to her in person and have her move her van, & i couldn:t handle it; 4 some reason; so i just stared @ my feet 4 like thirty minutes in silence & confused
also last time i bought groceries 4 them i never got re-imbursed and i didn:t klnow how to ask (in the conversation in my head) 4 reimbursement this time because it seemed reallyselfish of me to do and it just mde it more hard; & i didn:t want someone to get stuck in the bathroom
i:m kind of dumb
it:s cool though that you can communicate w/ artist s who speek a different language than you w/ pictures; i thought this was a cool feature in FFXI too; i really like the empty eye:d characters; i keepy m projection to myslf i attempt that much as i do but i like to see qlifotic
i didn:t want someoen to be without toilet paper and because i knew about it in advance i felt likeresponsible 4 it & i didn:t want ot ignore it but i couldn:t go downstairs to check because i didn:t want to be seen because i thoughtit wasn:t a holiday but people were there
i like the sparks, too
i am hugging you to keep you warm in the thread
i don:t wantn be touched; kafka works better as aesthetic influence than stuff like deleuze and lain it hink; beaurocratic spells are really scary
i was trying to read the maccarthy screencaps but i coulnmd:t because i think i only have hte memory to keep in [5 words] @ a time and then i start automatically ptting in commas in my mind to break down the sentence; & the sentence doesn:t have commas it keeps going so it is jot
@ 7:31 P.M.
my internet is super slow and i can barely load pictures; mostly because of this, is why i:m thinking that; i read a bunch of kafka while @ mayo clinic; i read all of iot & re-read it because i had nothing to do; appreci8n pixiv search 4 ASD/発達障害/自閉症スペクトラム/統合失調症
bc of stuff like this
@ 8:13 P.M.
fone flickern @ me i have to go to walking outside bc i said yes when they asked me to eat food & my stomach hurts os bad now
i cna:t talk to you but i am your enemy; i can:t say your name but i am your enemy
in accordance w/ the forces of god i am your enemy ; i don:t know your name @ all but ia m your enemy; don:t say god @ all; you:re not even thinking about the nerve forests overhead bc yuo are complacent in the drone atm; you need to shake yourself out of it; they are malcontents
the drill princess floor being legos and animated texture water droplet and chessboard black/white altering tile is really cool; using 3d like that is a good idea 4 set building ieven if it looks simplistic; it has a charming quality to it; i:d like to see more stuff like that
i:m sure the stigma is sitll really high but they seem like are more inclined to humanize schizophrenic ppl in their graphics compared to english word searches; eveyrything seems more normal i think instead of entirely struggling and dim;that is still there, though; see look
…from Marabarl & Malrbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:31 P.M.
[person] keeps posting things that worry me, in a "harassing other people way" idk if i should talk to her about it or not
on one hand it feels like "stay out if it we all have different paths" but on the other hand i am wondering if she has anyone that tells her "you need to not treat other people like this"
oh she deleted all of it; no point in me worrying
i love my pixiv bookmarks page so much i ms o glad this exists i had no idea;it:s like; idk; realy pure to me; like id idn:t know about it @ all & it:s just so "things i like" & it:s very me
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:24 P.M.
if i draw more of [kureha from developmental disability yuri story] & her fcrush i:ll post it more; too; i think;b ecause i need to link the authors stuff i4got to credit it bc that:s important
@ 10:17 P.M.
i have no idea how to draw (╥﹏╥)
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 10:30 P.M.
just realized my pixiv bookmarks r public & i have nothing to b ashamed of in there
i really like my bookmarks actually; it:s just a bunch of pictures of characters i like; id idn:t even know the heart button was bookmarks so it:s like a surprise to me
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 11:17 P.M.
i:m your best friend great posts today mara i love you a lot you shuold brush your teeth & go to bed & have sweet dreams
gonna draw you something
@ 12:18 A.M.
i can:t draw i 4got but i did my best; ok great job posting today (*´-`)7 go to befd
