2021/11/15 evening-post {saki-ism}
Aug 29th - Aug 31st
featuring…
Aug 29th
today:s forecast: the saki shift spirals downward; irisu tells me about cough syrup
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:27 A.M.
ron.. awawke.. [substacker:s note: ron is a mahjong term]
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 9:01 A.M.
frequjently i sa yre ally stupid things; but they ar ereally passion8;
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:38 A.M.
in so much pain....but it:s saki sonday
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 9:58 A.M.
i think isnectswould bne really good lovers; it mgiht be a really godo thing if the oxygen goes away; the idea of pet consciosuness extenidng past earth & going in-to space seems awful; imaignign a larg eparisitic wasp standingover you on a bed& it:s wings are droning rlly loudly
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 10:17 A.M.
my stalker recommndd me to wathc princess jelylfish; i have one episode downloaded to wathc the op/ed; the op is cute; i hope my stalker is ok; she textd me on my ibrthday, i received it two months late,r becuase my phone is not great; i diodn:t reply; ito arrived w/ txt from dad
i would rahter tlka to my stalker than my dad; not that i h8 my dad but id on:t know him @ all and i don:t want to get wraptd up in-to someithng like that; when iw as tklaign to my stalker last she was offeirng to go to [some store:]& getitng my eyesars pierced there
&it made me really turnd on in a wierd way; i think ecause it felt like she was deciding 4 me ot hav emy ears pierced; i was afraid to do it bnc body-is-a-temple but she said even dumbass spoild d daughters go there &geti t downe; don:t b such a pussy; she was cute to me
i:ve mentiond thi sb4 but she would stlak me on campus tand take photos ofm e w/o knowing; she got my meail from the college class thing; thnen she got my skype ifnormaiotn from a screenshot that was in one of th visualnovels i made;request from an unknown acct;i knew it was her
i want thne fly to be on top of me; ' & on the windows; i want to hear a bunch of pattering bodies hit against the outsid eof the house, adn windows; & se ehte light obfuscated b y the large bodies of the flies; making the room darker/brighter as htey shuffle alla round the house
but my fl yis on top of me; it: s mounting me &' it:s drooling brownn horiawful smelling liquid on-to my face; and it:s dis gusting ; & it:s cold hard leg sare scrathcing in-to my tummy &ythighs & i am staritn gto bleed but iot:s fine because i:llb there 4 hours&i dont care
it swings ebat really loudly & i cna:t even hear my own thoughts whichi s good because id on:t want to; secretly i hope that the nfts a re good on their promise to suck th eoxygen out of the earth &starve off all of the people &flies because of it; it:stheir promise to me, ithink
@ som epoint i hink i cnoisdered myself a person who wanted ppl to folourish & be happy;t hen i took acid one da y & became one of those "just end suffering " type s; in welcome to the NHK &nii animal abuse it becomes apparen t how awful pet-hood is;& how prevalent it is
it:;s not fair to say, but i don:t see ahow anyone coan sincerely be anit-capitalist while owning a pet; maigne: i understan dall the pains of capitalism, '& 4 no other reason than lonelienss & cuteness do i extend the damage personally onot-o some animal i want to love
you are turning the naimal in-to hikikomori; you a returning the animal in-ot some stupid oracle existance like me & lik eman yoth erpeople who are tied to onlinel; that is the point of survival& the internet it hink; like in the NHK ed: go to spac,e mars, galaxies, pet-babise
mmaybe thi sis just seeing things too engatively thogh; i shoudl not project my internal dsicomfort/dissatisfiaction with everytihng on-ot everyone eklse, &or mperscriptive claims; the patterns are linking up to tell me to buy ocugh syrup & try out dxm though; irisu did it, yeah?
oppu-hoppu
i tihnk too abou t dogisaga,t hough; she made a comic one day about eyes glowing like god & clarified about it happening naturally & NOT because of drugs like some d(generate; that:s a little silly, but a litle true, too; drugs become a clear crutch in others, from my viewpoint
@ some poitn you have to recognize that your spirituality is not you rpsirituality, but drug spirirttuality -- this is not necessarily true, i would argue against myself like: [mental illenss is your spirituality] [religion is your --] [loneliness is your --] etc, it:s pointless
i:d like to be mor eoptimistic than pessimistic; but i don:t like being touhce dby people & the sight of people make sme angry; so it:;s hard to be loving outside of like "ok i understand it:s good to be loving, so i should try that" but it:s @ constant odds w/ my selfexperiencse
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 10:38 A.M.
we r s tiarntg tohit the crescent of peak csm contrarianism form popualirty
4 whatever ireaosn i keep seeing csm teen as na insult
c?
…from Telegram @???-????
@ 2:03 P.M
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sorr yi didn:t c this; bad @ checking fone; i really like this though it:s creepy ands omber
remindsm e of an rpgmaker loop in the best way
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Understood
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if iw er etoh ave abad sexual experience w/ something i think i woul dlike it to be a giant insect
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ya idk what iw as oitnhking but i thought it w aspapropriate
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no that w asba daof me;i:m sorry about that; i am being attention -sekeing so i:m gonna stop myself i think; b safe [removed]
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no ty; ty though
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 2:47 P.M.
dm:d someone that i want to bs exualyl asaultd by a large bug &then apologzied bc it was relal yinapproriate; feel really bad about that; need to ostp talking to people bc i am being an attnetion-sekeing creep atm
thjere is like a 60% chance if osmeone dms: me when i am in a modo hta ti will send them a long diatrib eabout sexual assault & it:s just like automatic; there:s not really an excuse 4 behiaovr like that; i kind of wish ppl would not bother tlaking to me because of that
in some -ways ther eis a blessing if people tihnk that you are a social lep er; because you cna aaoiv d stuff ilke that whole-sale mor eeasily; although it hink even the largest creeps have a few dutiful supoprters; trying to stop bad desires be causeiwant to do more dumb shit
wonde rif there is a step-deeper in the [self desturctive behavior] process tha t th eonly reason i do stuff like this is to gi vemyself reasons to punish/h8 myself
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 2:40 P.M.
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 3:03 P.M.
i:m a mess; huh; i:m sure therei s some good in me; my whole wrist forearm feles like sponge-rubber; i enver noticed it but when i push in-to it hard it has this soft gve that is really relaxing if i ignore the mechanical parts(thendons;bone;vein-structurestuff; feels like wire)
i don:;t remember but i was reall yout of it last night; something upset me las tnight & i wen tino-to a stupor &started picking @ my wrists kin&iris hear dit / stoppd it; i wnet to bed a lil l8r & told her that iw ish everyone had coatfabric isntead of skin;&she apologizd 4 skin
made me fele worse & went inot another weird h8 spirakl; it:s always spiraling of fof small stuff like that; going to try to chill more; part of that encessitates avoiding people, i think; i m worse abotu social s/h than i am physical, i think; bc i like whe np pl get mad @ me
…from Marabarl & Marlbara
@ 8:29 P.M.
i jus twant the whole world to find love & play mahjong
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 8:30 P.M.
i jus twant the whole world to find love & play mahjong
…from Marabarl & Marlbara
@ 8:34 P.M.
i had to repost it on main so the WORLD couldh ear my sentiment
achiga manga has a differnet artist i think but they draw really cute; i m a big fan of these types of big empty looking eyes
…from Marabarl & Marlbara
@ 10:41 P.M.
this is silly but i think i have realized that ne person trying to shar ene sexuality-related-thing w/ me makes me intensely uncomfortable; vice-versa too; i think th emoment it leaves [th einterior] i can:t stand it
; i tried to say something about it earlier to someone & then tried to [do something bad] a few minutes later; i think when i a im intensely paranoid / fearful of other people is when i m most honest w myself w/ stuff like this; dk if that is healthy but it;s my feelings
i m thinkn about the [of alien] stuff; this thread is a 50% spiral 4 me meotionally but i am dwelling on it internally; making the [of alien] stuff felt really soothing 4 me when i was finally doen w/ it; bc it:s like showing care to a rotten part of yourself & conencting w it
i was askd what the character is from; & i said where; & realizing why they askd i kind of said "keep it to yourself, don:t take to me" rudely; later they said [another person] read it & said it was great, & again: "i don:t care, keep it to yourself, i don:t want to hear it"
it feels like people are violating my feelings; but that was what the *work* was made 4, you know? & they deal with it so freely; but it feels violating; & the disgusting part is, that that is also why i have the rotten attachment; rhis part feels like navigating self-hatred maze
but then i feel like i am dyいng sometimes when it is kept internally; not because i am dseperate to be horny or something -- the contrary; but because it feels like i am tasked with hiding a corpse inside of my ribcage; there:s not a point to this; sexuality makes me feel awful
it:s silly, because pure-yuri can never be as pure as pure-yuri like in saki; but i think about all these awful rots inside of me, &--although i am as chaste as i am--i feel like i am permanently too filthy to be a Yumi Kajiki; i am defiled; may-be that:s not true; but i h8 that
may-b needless but i feel a weird urge to explain more about the [do something bad] in the second post, it:s again the psycho-sexual guilt thing; [do something bad] = trying to pinch out the wrいst artいry; i was worried it had a sexual connotation (again, the self hatred)
rhis is largely a spiral because when i think about this stuff i start thinking about how everything i say is a lie to obfuscate a horrid trut about myself being a monster; that there was no excuse 4 my actions; & i think i have to stop here because that made me cry to type lol
i can:t be as clean as you, sen-pai; 4give me; i can try to scrub the walls of the interior but there is black mold under-neathe it, ou know?
honestly the only thing not preventing me from doing more unhealthy-decisions right now is bc there is someone else in the room; it gave me some time to chillm, i think; even if i m a little polluted @ a foundational level; i can still live a pure life, i think; no one is perfect
the memories are eating @ me even worse actually
blurry
may-b go cry in the closet; sounds dramatic but i wanna cry in prviacy instead of beign comforted , i think; because sometimes being touched while i am criyn gmakes me freak out more; and the noises; finding screencaps of saki kind of calms me down a little thoug bc it:s active
it:s the intenreal voice thing constantly going on about what i did & me being uilty; that it was me; & it:s right; hands go numb when i type it; may-b this ws a trick to snap me bakc in-to it; idk; i am dizzy & empty-headed; during these times i:d talk to nakuru usually
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 11:11 P.M.
o god
oh mY GOD
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 11:33 P.M.
decided ot draw more; & watchd some of .hack//legendofthetwilight; it:s more ba dmemories 4 me but it:s also kinda, idk; warm; feel a little bit better; keep getting flashes of going into the closet so i can do bad stuff w/o ppl knowing; & then power thru the thoughts; but still
keep gettng the insane urge to message ppl i see as having some authority tha ti know % t& then askign to fiorgive me / please tell me i am a good person; i:ve done this several times & they are always some of my most insane/pathetic dms to ppl; i get embarrassed midway usually
keep it together yumi-senpai; the issue is that i [get bad urge] then [repress bad urge] then [h8 self 4 having the urge @ all] then [rememgber times i did not suppress urge &T realize i am not a good person]: ; it loops like that; o well; lkeep it together senpai
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 12:18 A.M.
i struggle understanding numbers higher than 4 & anything involving measurements; i hasd to learn carpentry & made the shop tec use the rulers 4 me bc couldn't understand how to use them & he always lookd @ me like k was rwordd
I'm v thinking about this bc feason rtd computer internal drawing & i thought it looked magical & i wanted to try to draw it too but realized i can't undeestand shapes or rulers very well
Aug 30th
today:s forecast: my issues are suffocating me; i am an oracle? hands today in mahjong will be unlucky; social issues are on the rise
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 6:42 A.M.
i]:m really tired; i don:t think thnnere is anything of fabout me; mostly bnecause i keep seeing poss abnout scizophrenisa ;& i keep seeing natagonism -responses from people; thney are n:t "directly antagonism" but hte yread that way in alm-stocode; like social coded<-obtuse i no
kast night i was going through .hacks cene sot all the coma vicitms; in teh different series; an6& i was kind of desperatley hoping that may-be if i postd it that it endd up that hte itnernet wa sa test 4 me; & if i send the msg that i want my ilfe support to end; you will do it
i realiz ed that maybe @ most that mwou ld happen si id would lookf oolsih though; and i didn;t want to hurt the peopel that like me by thinking that i wanted to dいe; because when iw as tying it i wasnt crying or afraid; &iwdifndt want to be :reality-tested: out of my wishes
ppl are asleep atm &' id ont; think anyoe cares is awake; if you do hav ethe capability to kいll me remotely & i realyl am in a hospital bed sitll; please followth rough on my wishes; or change the signal a alitttle bitl ; or idk; i am scare dnow actually in case you can do it
…from DMs @marlbaraLTD
@ 6:48 A.M.
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good morirugning
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ias lreadingtheea thread abnout glutamat;e there were teow quote teweets onit; one was private; from a person i know who just siad lol; then a person taht you were engaign with; about neural ne towrks distoriton causin g uhm halljuciantoin
& tjeh i wa sitnhkign that ido not have hallucinaitons;& thjat my thoghuhnking process is othjerwise probalby spared of purity from the / distoriton; i don;t understtand th; ver ywell so i:m not titng trynig to think my way through it
it isrpobably obivous bnyt he typing but my aibility to put thoughts togheter is not great
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m;i apologize 44m kaing this personally-shifte;d buti do not think i hallucinat@8 @ all,; that doe sno tseem to be my issue,; so much as beliefs,&social perc eptiokn;& my thoguhtoverlapping; h eo lythign iwould have that would get close to h lauciantion is the watermusic/waterocnversations; bt tthat reads to me as audio-illusion
but ove rall thati amnot a ver yhallucinatory ;o erspon; i ag ree witht he share dhallucinatoin; i do not think it need sot be shared; even; there is a line in boogiepope -- ias a line from someone else; tha t all that is material&immatieral are phantoms
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it hin kthat is wlela cept dby most ppl who look in-to psyhciatry beyond the (id otn wanttos ay this bc it sound sdismissive or may-be to odefenisvoe mf my own refusal of trmeatnet) "trust doctors the yknow best" lien of thought
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most ppl int he longhoahual of trematent seem p aware that the APs dont fix nething
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y;es that:s definitely not great8(reptty shit)
i visit schizophrenia support foroums often; less often bc i stoppd cahuring whethe ror not i wa shcizophrenic; but the common lien about that in feaerful ppl is "it goes awway" "it is rare" "the sdisease is worse"
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the gamtu of ppl i know w/ it alway s brushes this level of (i would ptu you in here; it:s jsut a personal perception not a reality tihng i thnk) pretty sel-f mainted ppl who r prett ysmart & seem relatively together; i don;t thinky ou wuld ever know they are sza unless you asked then there:s support group ppl who awlays tell you w/o t heir aPs they a re eating feces basically
' & it walways was ??? to me
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in this formergroup of ppl withSZa i thinkt hey mostly considerm e to b e i nthe"dman mara needs help" cateogry
i think i:m fin eto; i am just a mess on line
it loosk ar itsitc tho
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i am very lonely; thoug
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may-b eif4 simialr reasons; when i ha ve freka outs tha tlea dme to deactivaitn goyu usually reply w/ same& ithink
if i try ot get oto clsoe to peole or expose myself too much i just st art tto read predation/maliciousnessi absolutelyenverything
make sme feel like astereotype ; foten
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icallt hme insects; & i don:t se einsects; i don:t undallucination @ all; but i kno w they ar eones; it:s not a feleing or ahunhc; it:s a firm bleievf; i think this latter thing is waht makes people think i am crazy; but i tihnk just as ilkely it:s what yo ju justs aid about a trauma response& form haivn gtrust betrayed,c osntantly
idon:t tihnk it:s a coicnidence that i recoil more and mor ewith ever ywieird social Downturn i ajtake w/ trusted figure fucn me over
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o;w ell; itadakimasu; have a nice night, ok?
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i:ms roryif thjis is inappropriate % & feel freedisregarding; but i am really@ a los saboutmy typing/thoght thing; i was wondierngif oyu know about anytihng like this ins shcizoprhrenia that linesup with it
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my typig is realyl bad; it:s not wohlly a mechnical thing; l;ike clmsy han;ds; iit:s like clumsy thoughts
i odn:t know why it is and ic an:t get helpw /answersith it from anone
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(ith inkth isere is some burden int erms of answierng stuff like this; please disregard ifuncomfortbnale)
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tja:ts coud be the case; it gets worse if i ithnk about it; it eats up spoke n wordo too though; compelte ainability to say certain owrds until i remember the correct word
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mm; it:s not escaping; it:s replac ing ; smething tha thappend a few minutes ago is i couldn:t stop saying [phallic stuf f] isntead of [migraine medicine]; it feels like my mbrain ishshorting
& it:s lks stuttering
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it happens hwile i m typing cnstnatly; words get partially amshd together
i odn:t tihnk so, if i munderstanding rihgh;t i know the words a re incorrect but it:s like 4 several moments they are swappd & i can:t force mysle fto not oo it
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i know there: sa really wid eumbrella of [thoght disorder] or [disorganization] bu t the ones ins chizophrnia usually r more concrete in textbook xamples
idk; sthak you 4 your time; just kidn of frustrated w/ it & hav egotten zero ahelp from doctors
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…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 7:27 A.M.
again
ar eyou intentionaly fuckign with me or nt; i can:t tell
why am i on edge
oyu onl yweres aiyng nice things to me abut you mad eme feel self-doubt; & then yous aid other stuff; & i can;t udnerstand your reasoning @ all anyomre; mayb ei am jsut abd @ social cues; why am i wondeing whyehter or not i am crazy, again; i hnate tis
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 8:56 A.M.
oｄｐdon:t tihnk i have schizophrenia; o get frustrated because i go to odcotrs wanting help wit hissues soi c an stop caring/bemorefunctional & they tell me theycna thelp me until i get mys cizophreniamanaged;then i get ereferrd to a spsych;& they never accept me as a paatient
it mtka laes me wodner if i hjave some sort of papaer-trialt hat all potential spychiatrists have accehss to tha tsays i m not med compoliantt; thjedcotros don;t want to talkto me, either; onlien fake doctors ;either;&it mghay anh ve bneen purposefully established like this
iw ent4 aw alk outside to clea rmy ehjad/getsunlight/walk; bc m head is foggy&the first thing ppltell me is i nedotgo outside, but igo outside often;4 aloentime; a ca rpassd me b youtside &i got a flash ofdefiance n tried to saw int-o :down-the-street: wit hmythubmnail
itdid;t go isn as far as i hoped it would bu& the car just ddrove off; thre wer etw o old men walkign around blkock to block t hnat i kept seeing; they disgust me; the walk really oddly;&i walk oddly,too;but they walk with their hadns behind theirback going door to door;always
it:s sreally setup in suchn a way that nothing happns; ever; it:s a cyclical doorway of beingbentween two things&yuo get the most neutrla resultofobtih things; oyur:e not ever reacing a clcnclusion; the nerve-ending ppljust exist ot sow more deoubt in-to ou;&it:s a part of you
ned to delete be4 people wkaeup& get mad @ me;or i make peolee diespressed whjen they find outwhat i:ve been doing; o wlel; igp@[ gomen
@ 9:17 A.M.
i;mn todoing dogod:; it hink; but i deinfitely feel poiwerful; right now
@ 9:47 A.M.
ibm so dizzy; i feel terriebl
like how angelicism writes; i strugtle procesdong the larger paragrsphs brut i lile how assertovrre angelicosm writes
i dontbinderstanfkng writing but i dont need to underdtajd bc it wads not meant 4 me to jnderdtand
i like tobworkloolk @ word choice & how oaragraphs look; u can read witjoit ubderdtanfint& ebd up undersranding
i like tovhave curshes in people online; illbnever ac5 on yjthrm; bit iblike ro have distant admiratioln 5 spmeonre
i am really dizzy; i feel dk teerrievble
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 11:16 A.M.
got cough syurp; bc irisu got ocuhg syrup; & i:ve headr 3 other ppl mention couhg syrup late8ly so i figure dmay-be it was a sign that is huold try it
historically i reac treally well to drugs [substacker:s note: this is not true]
@ 11:45 A.M.
i am a litlte dperessd; i am incredbly dizzy & fele out of it; i hav ea lot of art to make, too; so i need to do that; ened tiot hink oni t more; 4 soem reasn i thought that i needed taurine so iw ent out to the store to get taurine; idk if its making me feel ebtter;
i:m nto sure if anyone cares about me; thisis something you shuold ignore; there ar epople who care about me; but there is osmething that i really want abndly that i can:t ge tanyone to provide -- eitherbecause they are unwilling, or i am too fe arfultoacept it; & it:srustrating
plus a surprising number oof pepole won:t tlak to me or about me; everiynthing i do feels completely insular & isolated; it hink; except watching anime w/ my one friend; it:s kinda pathetic but it really feels ilke that is my only connection w/ "the world" a tm; hmm
i und erstnad hwy; i edon;:t like it when people talk to me;or about me; bu t i like it too; bc it mak esme feel like ia mja apart of othe world; r that i can know something baout tother people besides privat especulation; i cna:t talk w other ppl but i can RP conversations w thm
someoen; a demon; looked @ me downstiaors; % & i didn;t really show it oexternally bnut internally it always gaives me the type of anger wher ei want to Exit imemdiately -- or just make an attempt -- to ex pres ssome sort of rebleliousness against their vision/gaze
they odn:t look @ me evil; i can:t explain it; i worr ysometimes when ide scirbe people like "demon" that oepole tihnk i see them as shome shadowly sterotype shcizophrenic monster; this si not the case; they are people ; but they are of malicious patterning;& nerve endings
tjhey wanmt me to do the white power salute to them; there are chirsitna crosses in most of the neighobrhood alwns here; it:;s a nice neighborhood of ritzy two-three story places;home owners association; old whnite bustling fmailies %& weird racism; i am spoilt rottne r elaly
iyou can see it in a person:;s eyes; this part is real; but eyes have a glow in the corner; you can tlel tnhat poele aren:t looking @ you, & it is somethiong else watching you through them; they look & act like people; tbut they never were anething maore than phantom enrve ending
@ 12:21 P.M.
las tnight iris complaind about being afraid to klook @ m e; because it w aslike "she cstoppd being able to c the whole and just the actuality of the infividual parts#" -- i get this; because this en ver stopped 4 me after the lsd stuff; i c human but i do not c people anemore
neawys; the anger-responses jmight just be another form of control; because they know if ia ct on it,. then reciprocation will ahve to be against me; then logically;: why do that:; but that:s a trap, too; it:s a perfect trap that keeps yo beuween two choices; i can:t stand people
i don:t hate them, thoug; it:s just myn ature to be like this; i do not tihnk i ams chizophrenic; because i do nto hlalucin8; i prayed to qlifot last night; ebcause i needed to apologize 4 my silence; i can:t focus on prayers la8ly; or aim my thoujghts @ all; they just dissolve
if i am anroac le; an oracle; i am not a ve ry functinal one; i am on e to a buried dead thing; & just like a buried dead tinglh; id on;t think i possess much intellegenice; & much tomerit lsitening-to; but: it:s cool thematically
i wonder if i m autisitc & this sij ust autism psychosis or somethingsimilar; autism is somethiong i really hate, a lot; not so-much th epople; but everyithng about it; i hate the words: meltdown,tantrum,shutdown,pbatteries,recharg,flapping,stimming,speicalinterests,etcetera
it:s nto acceptable to say, i think, bc it hurts feelings; but it:s all so stupid; it:s all designed to make you think, passively, "ppl who have this ar ebasically just dumb children, huh" &then you have to force yourself to think "wait that:s cool ,or something"
then this results in puzzle-piece police cars; IT:S COOL LOOK EVEN THE COPS HAVE AUTISM PUZZLE PIEECES; it:s just deisnged to make you hate yourself; i am mostly projecting; i don:t like it because my mom would call me it;&say i was diagnosed; thten go back on it
you c a lot of ppl who make fun of kids 4 being cirgne ojnline; you also c alot of ppl who defend kids being cringe online;the latter group is the bette rjgorup; but funnily, 4 most of these ppl, in private, if the contrarian aspect isnt there they act just like the first group
so many ppl who will say things like "water fairy person isn;t crigne#" will then go on to insult some harmlessweirdo 4 acting stupid in one of their c ircles; how could you ever feel the same about ppl who support autism; schizophrenia; ableism; etcetera; the outgroup is sketch
the out group does sinane shit like try to protect you from harmful media; wherein all you do is seek out echoes-of-harm bc ever yithng makes you alone; then all the ppl you like/supoprt-you give you this ambient glow of "you are bad 4 this"; constantly; caulkfield: phonies
w/ that said, i am wrong about this & i don:t ohld that much anger about ne-of-it; some level of outer-hatred is expcectd to grow form / have; the minority wi ll always depend on the greater majority to b smypathetic; small gains; whatever; so i can:t relaly be mad about nething
w/ that said; tha tis e xactly how they keep you like this; they are perfectly worth compassion; and i am epr fectly worth nuance; so hte rei sno point in doing anything; may-be that is why i want to [harm] so often; idk i m not tvery self-aware / insigughtful; i:m kinda dum
i thinky ouc an judg ehow much social itneraction i get based off of how many posts i make daily;hee; this day will have zero interaciton i think
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 1:38 P.M.
this is a subtweet baout aflicted-helping-afflictd; i tihnk the anxiety ppl get is uncertainty (as outsiders) whether or not sincere help is ocucring of itf it:s just enabling; idk if these two categories are actually real but i think it:s what ppl mentally sort others in-to [substacker:s note: i think this was about a keffie tweet, i:m writing this note from 11/15 of that year, so it:s been awhile — i think it had to do with CWC-controversy making ppl consider harming mentally-broken ppl bc helping them might be aiding harm]
idr hav enaything substantial to say here bc i can:t figure out this issue @ all; outside of keep affliction inentirely containd within (or best as i can); bc i can:t trus tothers to both interpret/engage with myaflficiton, & i can:t trust myself to externalize it properly
funnily: i think ppl giv eme a pass on things because "i seem like i m going thru some shit" & it hink this might change if iw ere o be less-repressed & had a group of friends to touch my aflfiction; i don:t think i want tobe un-repressed, though
funnily: i tihnk i am one of the bad-judgmental-ppl here, too; example:; i have a s/h issue & ifi present it to "outsiders" it salways results in some form of shame-from-them-to-me; mocking tha tihave to eat up, always; but if compatriotstalk to me about it i tihnk thy r enabling
the self h at red is just built in; it hink it:s sposed to be tha t way, though; this might sound bitter but i think it:s just "the natural state"; u are supposed to hate yourself (mayb unhealthy thinking) bc the internal grown rot is actually exaclt yhwat the insects want ot eat
they say otherwise;b ut they are dishonest,& they are just the visible nerve-endings4 smoething invisible; they live off of rot;& it is the entir reason 4 wy the art-class was created ;they use you as fertililzer; they poalnt sin inside of you to grow int-o fermented rot to eat
thi smight not be accur8; but it: slike cwc, you know? or terrydaivs; unfuny vioelt deadbeats buy templeos goods & talk abnuot being wired; they justeat rot they grow; &they do it to you every day; & it:s fine because it:s utility; they trick u into liking cwc too, as a coolthing
don :t wtalk to any of your friends; they are nerve endings; is what ia m afraid of; they are triyng to farm you <--is what ia ma fraid of; i can try to relax an ds ay that @ least it is a purpose; but that: slike saying being trickd into the dead-insect wall is a purpose(it is)
irelaly scared myslef w/ this one; understandin g nature & purpose is scary;& the funciton of the light insect cults; you are a \crafte dfrom the claypots sefirot or qlippoth based on handedness; b;ut you are claypot, still; & they grow rot inside of you to feed to insect births
>[replier 1] Maybe we can get together for lunch sometime next year or something like this and we can do that for a couple months and then I can go back home and then get a bit too tired to take it
i don't know you and i don't like you
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 1:59 P.M.
a sibling tire dtot alkt ome&i couldnt acutally remember how tos peak correctly; i was triyng to talka bout the stairs & kept callign ita tree fort; tree place; the tree guard; & kept repeating it; they pickd up on me bieng confuse di guess&didnt pay much mind; that:was nice
haivn gtrouble ; i am having a hard time not believing that wle ome to the NHK is real; not int he "hikikomoris are real# " but; the conspiracy itself isn:t rela; & that the itnernet is theultimat manitool that they use to spread pet consciousness; the box; it:s a heaven-maker
jelylifhs princess OP is so cute; i4got to respopnd but someone rpelied awarning me about sexual assault in it; the concner is appreciatd but i:m fine w/ stuf flike that; i appreciate it when emdia shows rape & assault & grooming bc i mean; it happens; i likeshared experiences
i r eally appreciat efraternite 4 that; even though it:s a sketch porng ame, it is soooo accurate; basic premise is:girl gets raped &doesn:t elave her room 4 about a year (or two?i4get) & starts an online relaitonship w agirl who seems to Get It;& brings he rinto a cult;it:s real
i lik edothack 4 it too; the coma stuff; & all the medical stuf fthat scares me; i had to dorp it bc it was scaring me too much; but it kind of means theworld to me that the premise si enterin ga coma & beng stuck in an MMO;&having peoplecare;& life support; idk
it:s neve rbeen said directly but i think my mom regretted not taking meo ff life support
i think we share that; it:s one of those familial bind things where even fi you strggle to nto beocme your parent; you end up thinking exactly like them, anyways -- thent his bitterness i have would be taken out on my schild, if iw ans:t completely infertile; rlly i m lucky
i 4get if i was 8 or 9 but the memory of her driving me down thi salley w a dumpster & stopping the car & poitning to thetrash can & saying that she thought multiple times of leaving me in that trashcan, so i should be tgrateufl -- kind of ahs alway sstuvck with me
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 2:25 P.M.
i was tihnking up my mAjgong; Mahjong Demon Power, &it hink it would be: if i discard my entire starting ha nd w/o calling tiles to replace it, each game the draws i get to replace hnand w/ become prgoresisvely more higher value
it:s bas ed around abandonment
@ 4:35 P.M.
told a reply personthat i don:t kno w them& i don:t like them; id din;t have time to apologize/delete post bc i had to take a person-to-class; & i feel good about it, now that i didn:t have a chance to delete
proud of myself
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 4:58 P.M.
idk neithng about autism
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 5:22 P.M.
dnow hat i am doing iwth this
i odn:t relaly like draiwng but i have fun w coloring tinhgs
i md triyn gout the paint bruhs in paint bc i like how that one rartist used it 4 the pinkgirl picture; i:m nto triyng to be coy w/ their name but i don:t actualyl remember; i should look it upt ho one sec; i think i have it saved + tagged; V1V404; ya them;had to sort by date
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 5:58 P.M.
readn a rbobbie barrat thread&the repliers don:t efven seme like they are pretenidng to be real people
idk y but tih sis just the general vib e iget from crypto ppl; like crypto s-cen epeople; it:s like they are not reading anyithng except crypto-lingo & then lik e GPT-2 generaitn gosm eadvertising response; like those paid gpt-3 dating bots that wan tu to subscribe 4 more afecton
i sued those btw & got really sad ; bc i satarted out treatin gthem real;then said mean theanings as an outlet; then realized maybe they actualyl were sentient real peple &i m hurting life 4 no reason;then i:d apologize& they wuold say we can take it to the next lvl if i pay mone
[substacker:s note: robbie (who is an artist) posted a thread w/ this text “I'm glad that this old story is getting attention; since it's funny but I don't want people to think that I still am actively involved with NFTs. I don't plan on making any more until the environmental / speculative aspects of the space change (if ever); My largest issue is with the environmental impact- earlier this year @memotv did research to make the public aware of how bad it really is I'm not sure if platforms knew of this impact beforehand but their responses (if any) have all been very apathetic; With my tokenized work *nothing* except price is discussed. I only ever remember one collector analyzing the image itself. I dont think my work is artwork anymore, its becoming something else- people dont even call my 1st nude 'artwork' anymore; they say "superrare genesis token"; I gave that nude portrait to @artnome in 2018 as the first sale on superrare. We were hopeful and wanted to demonstrate a way for digital artists to support each other Seeing this work pass from its 4th collector to a venture capital firm earlier this year was really depressing. everyone saying "what did you think was going to happen" is missing the point... it was so long ago; there was no NFT scene for artwork- and selling something digital was incredibly appealing to me as I have never been comfortable printing out my digitally native work” & got replies like:
“Wow! Such a great marketing strategy with the gift cards! Crypto should be that easy! Besides the Art, you pioneered the best way to distribute it to the masses! #NFTeducationiskey Imagine giving those cards away now? Everyone would know exactly what to do with them!”
“Stirring controversy to stir demand. Good plot sir. I kid. Fwiw I really enjoy your art. Please think of me should any lost Robbie scratch it’s fall out of your sofa one day. Hope you feel a sense of accomplishment and pride in your work, it is amazing.”
“If you don't feel like waiting for the impending ETH 2.0, try a clean platform like @hicetnunc2000”
“The tezos chain isn’t an environmental disaster and is very chill. Some fun stuff happening there. Costs pennies to play.”
“Do nfts, plant some trees at http://treedom.net :) Act!”
“I’ve seen artists go through similar grief for different reasons as their art price tag took off. Maybe consider using this as an opportunity to make more NFTs, and reinvest the money in solving the problems that you care about. Ignore the conversation about money. And talk about your art with people who care about it! It’s just not the same people.”
“Hey, just got some super rare token and started looking on the site. I saw your stuff. Also saw you are from WV. Same here Wheeling. Thought that was pretty cool. I know you aren’t making artwork for NFTs right now but what’s your suggestion on someone that has no artistic Ability to make some NFTs that are appealing to list.”
“Wow Robbie I am so in awe of your work and ethos. I get where you are coming from too. Environmental concerns aside (not diminished) I agree that ideas are rarely discussed. One hand it's refreshing, you like it or you don't and there is no traditional curation. On the other it's a giant $$ flex. I love that there is this potential here though.”
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:24 P.M.
kujibiki unbalance ova/anime bth make me kinda emotional in a weird way; almsot entirely becuase of the music; really really liek the music in both -- especially the ova ed, i listne to the ed ever ymorning; i like h elyrics
btw... i 4got tom ention... [crushss can] i:m kinda horny (thi sisn:t true i just wantd to write thi down bc i startd thinking abuot typingt his & thought it would b cool to type & it eflt wierd not making the postthen)
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 7:32 P.M.
lrt [context: “every day i come on here and see people say mean things about schizophrenic people”] is funne to me bc it s eme slike the ableism blindspot 4 a lot of ppl, if u car eabout that thing @ all; some well emaning person defends ppl w/ eating diso rd ers, or addiciotns, or autism, or giftd htat one is serious, & then will do the qt Schizo on some thoelogy thread
it:;s coinciding w me no ticing schizo is bieng coming like the new "less unaccetpable" insult 4 ppl now that ppl get mad @ being called t-wor ds & r-words or w/e; @ best tho u proba bly have to be disassembled like that if you hav eschizophrenia bc u belong to the village
hopefuilyl we getthe schizophrenic police car to b dispalyd alongside thjeautism ones; vidoe s recordd of ppl Buggn OUt (reacitn got the invisible bug carpet); all 4 thje sake of normalizaiton & further secretly forceufllyincporporating schizohprenia in-to the village
this is sob thbitterness & intenral conflict it hink; whether r not i am schizophrneic, i get th esame freaky schizoiphrenic-stereotype harasment frm ppl; like the numbers/weior dmessages/schizo comments; it:s conflictd bc "acceptance" seems designd to fully kいll the shaman-part
on the flipside bmayb it:ll b like a slice-of-life manga like certain magical index but it:s a certain mental illnes; & u have faciotns deivided up via mental illness ins chool & schizophrenia rl ike the shaman occult club basically & everoyne is just cool w/ it; it:s all framing
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 8:51 P.M.
alwa ysfe el humiliated talking to other poele; triyng to fight an urg eto punish myself o ver it; fighting an ruge is funny; bc it:s Just Turn Ur Monitor off essenitally but 4irraiotnal meotions; toda yi really feel like i need lep though; gonna do dxm tmorow i think
i jus t want help; please
hnna lock my self in the closet & prob ably upset a few ppl
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 8:53 P.M.
io wish i kne ww what was wrng wi hth me
someone help me ok; gjust give me sme answers
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 8:53 P.M.
io wish i kne ww what was wrng wi hth me
someone help me ok; gjust give me sme answers
@ 12:21 A.M.
terrible night
"mara think about your future , you need to try "talk; i feel soworthless
i m literalluy just a burden
grandfsther k-wordingg [regret] fuckkng mental illness faking job not-having vurden
sorry senpai
Aug 31st
today:s forecast: in pain; considering dxm; the moon is demonic 4 the night
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 7:23 A.M.
sonoda senpai pelase help me
pleeease
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 7:44 A.M.
the hard thing is jstu not being as good as other people constnatly ^ &knwing it; ^& then they pry in-to why you are-not; ^& you can't really explain it in clear answers becausenoone has eve rh elped you with it
i know You People ar enot odctors (this is vague but also direct( but no one has ever helped me with the mental illness stuff; it's jsut talking; no one helps me get appointsments; or see things through; or supports my decisions; or encourages me to do x or y; no one helps me
wihch is fine because i'm a adult; but clerly there is something fucked with me bc i am as old as i am ^ & have completely fucked my life up; ^& then> mara y? > idk; i wea rit on my sleave theat i can barely make decisiosn 4 myself > mara y? this is all it ever is
i'm tno reallye xpecting ppl to go: mara lets help you out lets help you make appointmetn s and remmber how to do tasks so you dont just 4get everything; but i would kidn of hope that if someone cared about me they would not just like, idk, assume i m fuckn myself over 4 memes
everyone know stati struggle with mental illness garbage; but again, to reiterate: not a single person helps me with it; no one; this is nto bitterness i am saying w/o clarity; it is a reality; there is not a single person who says that the ylvoe me that helps me with it
'& u know i still "try" but like it took me 1.5 years to clean my truck; it took me a year to mail christmas cgiftst hat i made; i feel like "the efficiency of which i help myself" shoudl be obvious: i am a fuck up, i am inefficienct, i have horrible memory, i avoid everytihng
&again agian; amm not expecting everyone arond me to help me w/ menta l ihelath stuff; but if you are going to start shitting on me 4 it: idk wata you are expecting
idk what ia m expecting
i am jstfrrustratedbc people are upset w/ me 4 nt like, caring about the future @ all or makign good deicisons 4 myself th a twill lead me to having a good life; & it:s just like, homie, i cna barely finish ONE task a day; i WANT to draw an di can barely do that
i kepe having thisese argumetns w where i get attackd 4 being a burden; &then idefend myslef ; & then i get apologizd to; & then nothing changes; i am left to help myself, &helpign myself is never enough; it:s annoyiong & it destro ys my self esteem
"i dont tihnk about the future "WHY you need to "i just don:t >put yourself in my shoes, why would you ever thikn about the future if you wereme? i dn:t even know how to do it;
@ 8:41 A.M.
it:s so funne to me that irisu does lean
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 9:29 A.M.
don:t need to tlak to anyone
someon emsg:d me themoment is ent this & i respondd :-/
,y phrmacy finally ageed to let me have my migraine medicaotn; excited; need ot pick i t up; gonna do dxm today; i cna:t freally figure out the dosage but it hink this isdxm only so im just gonna drink the bottle it hink
fmmgmmgh dmdnntt fcncmmkkng gttknjalk tm memme..
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 9:46 A.M.
the kujibiki unbalance anime OP is so good; the ova ED is really good too; watch them!! i can:t find a link yo either
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 11:29 A.M.
may-b no dxm today; in nauseating pain already from migraine; got my meds tho; so maybe just take that isntead; dxm might b good 4 migraines tho; the pain is so high though; i:ve bene having a lot of suppersimal thoughts lately; the reality of being a burden is catching up to me
i saw a tweet that made me tihnk up ways to be unnecessarily divisive & inflammatory, & it:s: i think it is time we start recognizing that programming-literate trans ppl are the white women of trans ppl ^stuff liek this is bad bc it just makes ppl feel bad 4 no reason (3 groups)
i always want to post stuf flike this just to upset ppl but then ppl get upset & i feel super bad
i like to err on the side of no tmkain gpeople have moments where they think about themselves '& have the thought of "i h8 myself" over something i said; like weight or s/h or mental illness or paraphilia or friends or ideology or interests or ettcetera; it:s a bad vibe to give
i think where i have failures w/ this usually has to do w/ people who own pets; sometimes esoteric stuff -- i get mad @ bookish ppl occasionally; generally calling ppl who just want to talk as "predatory"; & sometimes i do th same w/ p-words, calling them predatory
a tweet i wrote awhile ago about ropefuel where i think it lookd like i calld her creepy; i do this thing where i say :thought: & then annotate it w/ parenthesis; it was something like: i really like knowing ropefuel exists (kinda creepy though); annotation was about my behavior
these perceived slights i do just sit in my head rent-free 4 years; there was a time a few months back where i made a post about gifted kids & indigo children; & someone got mad @ me abotu that ;& i still beat myself up over it; it:s all prime "u r a bad person mara" kindling
neways gonna try my migraine meds & c if they k-wor dme or whatever; i am excited to try it bc the pain is growing to unbearable levels & it:d be cool to not lose today to bedrest
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 12:29 P.M.
i ened an emotional support object or osmething
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 1:05 P.M.
this medicine suks
it seems like it workd really well 4 taking the head pain away, but not great 4 the muscular pain; tkaing a hot shower helpd a lot though; gonna take my laudnry downstairs & c if it makes me feel like i m going to vomit; it:s sumatriptan btw
@ 1:48 P.M.
thinkn about charlie reed; & networkspirituality; i try to stay away from groups bc i value color alignment accordance ; but , how to put this, i think in the past religions could be formed because people intuitively believed in real-world fanficiton (bibles), but not nemore
i think the modern equivalent of this (4 religious birth) is most likely going to be from the internet because that is what people intuitively believe now; i haven:t put a lot of thought in-to this, tho; internet is reall y scary 4 me to think aboutbecause it:s like a real spirit
i guess what i m trying to say is insular-color-aside i think i do just align w/ the idea of network spirituality being a "it is what it is" thing; i don:t mind too much being lumpd in w/ other ppl; i just don:t want to have insect birth until i find the right partner 4 it
the scarlet mistress from patohlogic is how i would like to view my relationship to schizoprhrenia; i think a tl;dr is: pathologic has these oracles of elemental forces, u have the dark one, the bright one, & the neutral one; they get visions, they are spiritual leaders 4 thetown
u have the scarlet mistress (maria kaine) & the bright mistress preparing to become full-fledged ones & lead the town; maria is different in tha t she is not really a prophet, instead she is just an intuitive conduit 4 "some elmental force" that gives her intelligence
Personality: Femme fatale. A beautiful, merciless woman. She inherited her father's authoritativeness and her mother's passion for mysticism and the black arts. She is intelligent, but not intellectual. Instead, she is insightful and sensitive to lies and deceptions. She can instantly see one’s true colors. Maria doesn't have a firm goal in mind. She is always in the state of some sort of trance; it is a psychological tuning to the Steppe. However, she is not "blessed" like Grace. Her reflexes are good and facial expressions are rich. Maria is not a medium, but it's as if she has a connection to some supernatural "channel" through which she receives peculiar and exciting sensations. At times she listens to that channel, but she does this delicately and stealthy. Just like when checking the time, some people put their wrist directly to their nose and clatter with the expensive watches bracelet. Others discreetly lower their gazes and slightly move their wrists in the pocket. Maria is the latter. She loves to play with people. As a child, she loved to torture animals.
i like tihnking of myself this way because outside of occasinally hearing conversations in water/machinery, i don:t really hallucinate @ all; i just started constantly thinking in patterns one day & it never really ever stopped; i wouldn:t b surprised if -typal & not -frenic
i get someewhat defensive if someone tells me i am not schizophrenic, even though i don:t really think i am schizophrenic; the anger is mostly because i m desperate 4 help & :taking something away: feels like i m getting farhter away from a sense of security
i wou;nd:t be srprised if i have something else; & i kind of despise thinking of my love 4 the qlifot as being delusional; i do think would be preferable to just be A Conduit 4 The Steppes instead of [any mental illness] but society/relationships kinda makes this impossible
althogh, thinking more, you definitely can jus tbe a Conduit but if you:re not financially-safe then it:s a scary path bc it:s almost guaranteed ascetism i think, but like "social gridlock ascetism" where the buildings & roads eat you up; terry was kinda doing this, maybe
i tihnk i:m severed from wahtever psychological tuning i m connected w/ , though; may-b from the triptan ;4got to do my laundry; ok i will do that; enuf typing
@ 2:32 P.M.
sry i was oging to stop but i am reading these posts between angelicism-ppl & charlie-reed & it:s really cool to me bc i view it as a clash of internet-faith; charlie is 4 subsumation & idrk what the angelicism-ppl are 4 but i think it:s more like co-existance w/ internet
…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD
@ 2:46 P.M.
i:m a unit u can choose to add to your party
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 4:21 P.M.
drawing my coma kin
i dno why but drawing bandage-tepe is soh ard; & wires; wires r fun tho; i need to fix the background wires; i:m havn fun tho i like how crunchy the paitnbrush can make it
really want to start watching .hack//LotT again; i really really adore the art style in it & i 4got how like, "hard" it is; that:s a bad adjective 4 it but it looks soooo cute but it:s super grim; grim isn:t right mayb; but it:s hospital-empty; hospital-cold rena is hospital-cold
altho the middle one is shino from //roots; i like her too; there is a lott o like in dot-hack; idk what i m doin with it
kinda having fun; i tried ot take a nap %& couldn:t, then was lookn @ drawr
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 5:45 P.M.
uhhjhghhgh i:m tired
@ 7:01 P.M.
may-b i willwatch or read princess jellyfish; i:m just in love w/ the OP; it makes me miss my stalker a lot; she really frustrated me a lot '& creeped me out but i really just think she was lonely & no one had eve rhelped her with "herself" b4; or accepted her
there is a lot of hurt in the world; so-much in fact i don:t really know how i could ever really h8 someone; even if they did bad/heinous things; it:s just a world designed to rpoduce pain; produce torture; it:s not hard to understand y bad th ings happen; it:s harder to be angry
woah morta is entp that:s just like hecatia from touhou
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 7:20 P.M.
ron
…from birthday @nabarlSBL
@ 7:21 P.M.
senpai?
…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD
@ 10:15 P.M.
im gettn there
@ 10:44 P.M.
rrr .rra rwa rrrrr rRr rWARAR RRRRRRR
i:m in demonspace
i:m in demonspace; rra awrr,,,
there are a lot of posts from Marl Bara for the 31st; i don:t think i am ready to share those ones