2021/11/12 the saki-shift {saki-space}

aug 26th-28th

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substacker:s note!!!: i:ve had this as a drift since august & not posted it; there:s a huge back-log of these; i:ve decided chronological order doesn:t really matter but if i keep archiving older-posts i:ll try to link them together via edits (editing links to the chronological previous/next) so they:re easier to follow; ok that:s it /(￣▽￣)7

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Aug 26th

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:35 A.M.

1. i:m in mood 4 rpgmaker games, or reading ever17; ever17 because of water from the unclogging videos -- i mentiond bthis b4 but i just really really really like water, idk

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:46 A.M.

2. scars r sooo itchy

3. calm l7ly bc been watching saki w/ friend; just a normie now; but surprisd scars still itch bc they r all super old @ thi spoint -- the only one that was made withint he last 5?? months was a large one in the bottom-most ring; but thelarge vertical scar from early 2020 itchs bad

4. a CC2 emplyoee liked my tsukasa picture yesterday & there r more CC2 fans liking it today; wich makes me happy bc i don:t think most ppl wh o followme think of me as a person or as a fan-artist ;i m just kind of the crazy person who is obsessd w interests u know?

5. so it make sme kinda happy when a fanbase 4 something i like ends up liking my stuff too ;bc usually my stuff isn:t good enough on its own to spread outside of ppl who r just around me to c the crazy-person spectacle;&i t:s cool to c that fangroups& officials r liking something

6. takemy narutaru stuff 4 instance; i don:t think most ppl woudl consider it narutaru art, bc narutaru fans don:t like it; the ppl who like it r ppl who follow me 4spectacle but happen to also like narutaru -- is what i m saying;then there:s a second tier of :thematic:-appeal

7. it:s problaby good that it is this way 4 me; but it:s still nice to c that just average lovers of a frnachise & ppl who work on the frnachjise like my silly mouse drawings; too; thit:s really neat to me; especially since .hack is rlly important to me;

8. i had ot sotp watching //sign tho because the life support scenes have been kaing m e freak ot really badly ; ihad a bad episode a few days ago bc of that + CC ppla sking me about my grandfather

9. 4 whatever the hiki tweet made ppl upset with me & brought out antagonists; it also brought out ppl who wantd to dm me about how they r also hikis; i don:t really care that much abnout either group; i like being left alone; but i don:t want to be left alone; neways hikis stink

10. that:s not fair to say, i am just upset about ppl who seem odly protective of their identity as a hiki; or oddly skeptical of other ppls claim to identity as hiki; it:s ab ig: 1) who cares we r both losers who have evaded livinglife 2) it:s not like ppl never leaving room is rare

11. mara ur not a REAL shut in; dud ecmon; this was my room

12. i d on:t think anyone directly questiond it; it:s just me imagining tha t ppl project artifice on-ot me bc i think i seem like quirky suffering tourist or w/e <-- i imagine this is where antagonism from others comes from; but i lived 4 years w/o seeing ppl

13. i m sdefinitely still letting ppl live frrent free in my head but it:s mostly just being reminded of all the weird hostility i received from ppl bc of the hiki tweet; the hiki comraderie was also kinda irritating to me; i just don:t like ppl tha tmuch; ok i m done whining (*´-`)

@ 7:42 A.M.

14. more room fotos 4 fun; this is from a video a made wher ei was cooking an egg in a sandwich maker

15. i m not that disgusting if i have space but 'that' happens if i live w other people -- id ow hatever i can to not have to be seen by another person bc i don't like people looking ＠ me do things or knowing i am there, so i just, try to live entirely in one room;& that happens

16. what happened int hat situation psecifically is there was a ocmmunal kitchen, & my food was being stolen & my cleaning/dishes wer ebeing stolen/broken/used & it made me really mad so i just decided ot neverleave my room after tht, basically; that sio every apartment 4 me honestly

17. i lived w an older gay man that i kenw from when i was a kid (he used to live w me & my mom, w his bf); he ewas offering a cheap room; neways his house was disgusting & i thought he would do weird stuff to moe so i just lockd my door &never left my room the entire time basically

18. this was a drawing of my room &mysetup @ the gay guys house; i just slept on the floor & had a laptop; i usd a cardboard box as a desk

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:11 A.M.

19. i m saki brained 200%

20. so this is young saki & teru in teh background but i have no idea who the white haird girl is & thshe isn:t taggd; very ???? artist self insert may-b [substacker:s note: she:s an unknown saki character that i 4got about entirely]

21. like these two

@ 8:33 A.M.

22. playin this

@ 10:24 A.M.

23. this music is so funky

@ 11:06 A.M.

24. one of iris:s sibligns got me the boomer monster drink; ive never had an energy drink b4; he got it 4 mebc i mentiond i wantd to try the boomer one; gonna try it; i dont think i:ll finish it bc i imagine it iwll give me a headache

marapinion on taste: tastes fine, don:t h8 it; kinda mild; just tastes like juice; 5/10

@ 11:21 A.M.

25. i feel creaitve lralte;y all the games and the eromanga (manga about making eromanga) make sme want to work w friends and collab and compete nad stuff; but also read; ive been in my own head a lot altely; today i wrote a fanfiction 4 cat w/ gun; i had fun writing it

26. i want to write a stor yi think; or rejust read vniosalrmaker games too

27. the wrod thing is getting so bad; that one was visual novel + rpgmaker

28. this kis d is barking @ me; i think iw ant to either write more fanfiction stuff 4 cat w gun, altho honestly i m out of ideas oafter my thing so i m content w that much; may-be the knife contract thing; or the ivsual novel i pickup/drop repeatedly

29. >i fele liek asking about her sister is a bad idea >bth options lead to asking about her sister sara cmon wtf r u doing

30. gonna give this guy a gun

31. we ride togehter we d:e togehter

@ 12:04 P.M.

32. this game is cool

33. stalker senpai is cool; im havn fun; part 1 is done

@ 1:41 P.M.

34. get insanely irritated w iris bc i got her medication and i come back and it turns out i didnt haggle 4 insurance discount but i didntk now ih ad to bring that up bc u never have to do that (or ive never done it)& now ih ave to go back & i have instructions to4 what to say

35. it:s not that i am mad @ iris; it:s just that i thought i was done going out; i did my task; i had it nestled away in myin mind: take this break out of ur day, do this, then come back, and u are staying inside 4 the rest of the day; but i have to go back out, & it:s uspetting me

36. stuff like this just really like, idk; it brings out childish anger inside of me bc she told mei have to o back and i immediately said im not going; then ..i;ll go later; but it:s bc i thought i was eaqting lunch but it:s hard to focus on lunch if i am thinking about leaving aftr

37. and i don:t want to leave immediately after but i have to buc the longer i wait 4tod do it the more it:s on my mind; and i just don:t think that it will go the way she says it will go; & it:s just i don:t want to have some conversation w a pharmacist im not familiar with; idk

38. i:m not mad @ iris i just hate this shit i dont want to do it, it makeas me insanely upset 4 no reason; no good reason @ all; i maware of it; but i am still upset; and i feel bad bc i dont want kiris to think that i m upset; but i clearly am; neways im gonna go do it

39. ggmrgmgrmmGRMGgm

@ 2:38 P.M.

40. ok i got the refund and the ceapr price 4 pills

…from Marl Bara @marabarlLTD

@ 3:14 P.M.

41. this acct is super pretty now so i want to use it more but i mean; it:s jsut me here; its just me talking shit and doing test uploads...

42. here is the fanfiction i wrote 4 cat w/ gun [substacker:s note: linked elsewhere]; ; i just wrte it bc they mentiond i could have a cameo in it & it made me feel really imaginative this morning so iwas just sitting like "damn i wanna write.." bc it felt really real 4 a moment ; i liek writing

43. i liked writing it bc, i mean blatantly this is just me; i only relaly know how to write as myself;l but i ihnk that is fun; it:s kind of therapeutic in a weird way; i want to write the "erotica" knife contract thing, kind-of, or write more to explore stuff i like maybe

44. but i:m a TERRIBLE writer; but the dysphoria is kind of eating me up bc i have no way to touch it in the real-world; & i feel like a creep online about it already; i feel like a big pervert every time i post some girl in a wheelchair even tho i:m not doing aneyithing sleazy

45. feels like a constant need to affirm to peplle thiat i am not a Pervert; but i am a pervert; but it:s a pervert of self-image; i just desperately desperately desperately wish that i was /that/; i want to be injured likethat;& be a girl; & just cash in the mental-neglect stuff

46. ut:s like the creepy centered happiness image i have of myself; but it feels horrible to realize what i am doing; but i don:t want to eb repressed either; i am twistd aruond stuff like that; or w/e i am trying to say; mabe writing is a ood outlet <--look @ this typing though

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 3:23 P.M.

47. i treat each of my accuonts like different people; whenever one has a pfp/banner/name ocmbination that i really like i want to spend all my time w/ them; i changed my upload-testing-acct:s pfp/banner recently & altho i usually never use it, i m posting over there 4 fun now

48. it only has two followers bc it:sjsut an upload test thing -- to play w/ images until i get thumbnails i like / preview how my posts look (how posts look is very important tom e; but i don:t wanlways care to put in effort to groom them)

49. it:s SOOO pretty i love how this looks

@ 4:47 P.M.

50. o someone replied ot me; i am glad my art made you happy ^^

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:56 P.M.

51. loving friends atm largely thnaks to saki i love saki

52. I LOVE SAKI

53. o, in sucha g ood mood i love saki so much

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:14 P.M.

54. really is getting harder and ahrder to think; still scaring me; nothing knew htere though; i 4got how to say "part of growing"# -- ia ctually can:t complete the thought; it just becomes "part of growing is aeating blood" & that sounds like a joke but it:s replacing understanding

55. aside from that i min a good mood; i am really happy that .hack ppl r liking my stuff & realyl happy that i am wathcing saki w/ a friend & he seems to really be nejoying it & i love saki; saki puts me in such a good mood; typing/thought-difficulty aside i min a good mood l8lely

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:22 P.M.

56. fell asleep and had violent memories?

57. was in the bathom; i have memories of waking up and screaming/panicking because i thought a manw as on top of me trying to do something; i dn:t rmeembe rif this was real or just a dream; weird feeling bc iris wasn:t ion theroom to tell me but she wcame in later

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:26 P.M.

58. crashd and fell asleep; i remember having memories of waking up intermittently because i thought a man was on top of me rapin gme & i was screaming as i was coming out of the dream & i can:t remmeber if this itself was a dream or not; kept frekaing out falling asleep

59. his big body was like the sheet fallign over anmde and he was putting hi shands around my neck; i had a bunch of nightmares; i suaully have weirdly vivid nightmares if i sleep midday

60. left fingers are numb again; havent even drawn

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:47 P.M.

61. i wrote cat with gun fanfaictoin today; i don;t really know nethiong about cat with gun -- but that:s also how i made a bun cho f fsengoku turb fanfictio; writing fan ficiton is a lot of fun& it:s mroe fun if you don:t know nethingabout the media besides some an internal idea imo

62. it:s over here i was w89ing 4 the vibe to finish shifting but the vibes r still in flux

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:06 P.M.

63. meow meow woof

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:13 P.M.

64. love saki

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:47 P.M.

65. just unapologetically yuri

66. i love lesbian tile

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:50 P.M.

67. i''m just really calm ^%^& loving saki

68. if i hadreally had shcizophwenia or a mental illness watcihing saki wouldnt calm me down i jwouljd ust be uncalm ^ irrational 4ever; but saki calms me dow%^& i'm normal, & i wrote fanfiction today

69. hwne i was in college i calld myself yumi kajiki ^& made a foldable majhong table w/ a shoulder strap ^& spent all my fre etime practing how to palm tiles^& how to read tile-faces w my thumb by keeping tiles in my coat pockets;itookt he mahjong table w me everywhere every day

70. no noe ever playd mahjong w me; so i never got ot use my table or use the cheating i practid; i made this mahjong comic too but i ngot really tiredo f drawing it [@ enedd it abruptly bc i wantd to go to bed; id rew it 4 a girl i had a crush on whose family ran a mahjongparlor

71. i spent all tat time no mahjong evne thoug hno one playd w me bc i basicalyl never showd up to classes '& neve rleft my room; my room lokd like this; the gilrg giave me her meail b4 she had to go back to china & then isent her the comic that i drew & she never espondd to me

72. this is shte backstory tohow io became a god of mahjong

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:16 P.M.

73. waht; why'd i get taggd in [some weird cryptocoin launch]; scares me in a weird way

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Aug 27th

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:43 A.M.

1. a yuri god has awoken

2. (it's not me; t's the god of yuri blessing me(

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:25 P.M.

3. liked that post [here] a lot; especislly the sex & shame stuff bc most of the ppl that like me ,make me h8 myself; the oart about unapologetiy open perverts giving courage whereas Advocates give shame is everything to mre

4. feeling shame and repression is fine though bc it makes me more moe too sometimes; Advocates do have a purpose

@ 3:20 P.M.

5. saki is healing mne; thank you saki

6. i don:t se ei could how ihave schizophrenia, or autism, or depression, or anxiety, or ocd, or ptsd, or cpstd; or brain damage; or nething really; the only thing i have right now is overflowign love 4 saki

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 3:39 P.M.

7. [squeezes hand:] i love you

8. just gbieng unapologetic 4 a moment; i am really thankful i got to rewatch saki bc i ahvd trouble remembering why i loved it as much as i did & i:d keep getting Flashes of how much i loved [x] & [y] part, but sitll ddn:t really click; & it is clicking; & i love yumi just as much

9. i want to change my handle to be yumi again; i usd that name 4 soooo long; i love all the character sso mcuh mroe now, i think; saki is precious to me & ithink initailly i didn:t care 4 her that much; but her relationship with nodok a makes me tear up like crazy;everyone really

10. it hink i mentioend this b4 but yumi was the first time i got the [waifu]-ism thing; but it was weirder than that; because we did the name thing in skype & there was a momo-person & we honestly did bond over that; they are so preicous together; idk; i love saki;it:s so intimate

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 4:24 P.M.

9. i:m in sakispace atm &odn:t wanna b disturbed but if you like writing you should tocnsider making a substack & joining the vibeshift tihng; it:s fun to work on a blog n post it ot a circle;even if you don:t like the crowd necessarily, it:s fun to write alnogside people

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:18 P.M.

10. i entered sakispace and had a nap

11. sakispace is so relaxing

12. trying to remember other ppls characters; subara was omonomous; bowling-girl was ponyprancer; iinfection was stealth momo; i 4get the rest; a few months ago i thought about meeting w om since he lives in [secret] & i was daydreaming about dating him 4 some twisted reason; pony was my fiance

13. i think it was because om kind of really respectd how much love and care i put into his dnd stuff & that when i wasn:t being autistic (or because of it) i put in a lot of effort / did seriously try to make the league team work; but we kinda hated each other;& i thought it:d b fun

14. iinfection was cool; he was just a fnuny guy who lived in florida w me; i enver kenw much about him except we actually p much solely talked because of the stealth momo x yumi thing; i think he won a league tournament locally & i thought that was cool; i was on voip w him during

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 6:24 P.M.

15. had a nap aftwr entering sakispace

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:05 P.M.

16. i am a subscriber to momoism

@ 7:36 P.M.

17. [squeezes hand]

@ 7:41 P.M.

18. [squeezes hand]

19. [squeezes hand]

@ 10:27 P.M.

20. [squeezes hand:] [squeezes hand] [squeezes hand] [squeezes hand] [squeezes hand] [s

@ 12:56 A.M.

21. i miss ed my mom and cat today

22. want to squeeze momos hand

23. want to be more loving & better @ showing affection but i actually think i am built different in that area

24. sqyeeze hand

---

Aug 28th

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:52 A.M.

1. ugh ,k,,mk

2. uuhuh mgmgg

3. sudden flashes of;idk; fear/anger/self-destrujctive; just thinking about scratching thru myself; freaked out

@ 7:21 A.M.

4. gonna look @ saitou kicking dogs

5. i don:t really think t hey deserve it; but i do disilke what happens when things become pets; even if i like it, & even fi i have pets that i love; & even if ppl have pets that they love; it just seems really cruel to me;i understand the argumetns; it seems unhappy, though

6. seems especially weird if you are an anti-capitalist; it probably doesn;t; but it reads like yoking something innocent or continuing the abuse of your own hands, because something looks cute; it should just fade away; people should, too

7. fuckers; or whatever; i:m not that upset; thjere are too many extensive control threads to ever feel upset about anything

8. may-be just upset @ my own grossness; or lack of purity; or anger; i know i have anger issues, but i don:t consider m yself an angry person; i asked iris during a personality-test though and she said i am definitely an angry person; i guess i can see it; i keep it all inside tho

9. i think it:s frustrating that i am a little-more apathetic / distant / un-loving than i like; i love saki a lot but that part frustrates me; because the world si so gross to me; it makes it hard to love; so i contain it all towards a pure clean pcture without the things i fear

10. because i don:t like holding hands; i don;t really even like kissing because i think abobut whether or not someone has brushed and about when they last ate and when i ate and the bacteria; and i can; t have sex; and i can only love people that i barely know; bc i am afraid

11. i like yumi 4 that, a little; she is just kind of awkward and blunt and likes data; but strong, too; she is really confident in the things she loves; i don;t mean tos piral in such a bad way; i am just suddenly afraid of everyone; i want ot watch m ore saki, i guess

12. i feel bad abot that, too; i feel bad about my typing; because it:s hard to feel cool abweh you type like this; and physically i feel gross; i don:t mean dysphorically; i mean if i pee i feel like i have to take a shower & i think about it all day; it:s really frustrating

13. but then my skin dries out and my hair gets overwashed & i feel all dry / chalk-like & i think about it all day, too; & i washed my clothes last night and i am wearing them and i fee l likei am sullying them so i want to wash them aain and take a shower so i won:t feel gross

14. if i was smarter i would have an argument

15. i feel really bad about being me; i got in-to a "fight" w/ iris last night (it was nit a fight) bc i washed the comforter; she said i wasn ot supposed to wash it; i got frustrated because she was in the laundry room when i put it into the wash, & into the dryer twice

16. it frustrated me because: we were talking during, & i didn:t understand why she would expect me to retroactively know that her mom told us to not wash it, just spot clean it, but she didn:t retroactively know to tell me to not wash it while talkign to me in the lundry room

17. it frustrates me because i understand she wasn:t paying attention to me putting it in the wash/dryer; & i think how she ignored that (understandably) is how i ignore things like ppl telling me "dont put it in the wash" it:s just backgroudn noise i don:t pay attention to

18. so i get frustrated because i am making iris feel like she stepped on glass; but i don:t know what to do; & what i did was already done; and i feel really stupid; bc i fucked up and because i am frustrated about how (in my head) we have made the same mistake; & i feel ugly 4 it

19. then i apologized & she held me in bed & i felt worse because i coldn;t stop thinking about how gross it is when people take clothes off; or loko @ people take clothes off; or the feeling of oil on skin touching my skin; or the feeling of body warmth; and it really depresses me

@ 7:43 A.M.

20. if i was smarter i would understand :any of this:;, & i would tell myself that it:s okay to be the way i am; because it:s ujnique and worth loving; even if i have hang-ups; but at the moment i can only think about mhow my palms feel like dry chalk & i feel sullied & need a shower

21. & that i need to clea n th ebathroom but i have to thinkabout when other people will take a shower, which will dirty it again; but i want to do it before people are active bc i don:t want people to bother me or look @ me clean it; but i don:t wan tto expose them to bleach fume

22. all of this and then trying t o figure out what people want; and how bad people make me feel; i still feel shame about my s/h; in my head i keep thinking that i don:t need to use 82020-folding-chan on my scars and ruin her, bc i can get my instruments from iris if i ask

23. becase it:s not s/h; i am fulfilling my role as a daughter; i am just having intimacy with the ones i love; i am renewing my vows; and then i realize no one else sees it as this; and i feel worse

24. i think @ my most optimistic, this ishow i feel; although sometimes i feel really confident & pretty; and i don:t think about the grimey feeling on my body; i am probably just set-off by something & need to distract myself; i have been posting a lot i realize; it:s ez to get lost

@ 7:54 A.M.

25. i remember when it ook acid i had full awareness of myinternal organs; and my sotmach felt like rotting; sour an d shriveled and aching, & the feeling wouldn:t go away; & i would looko @ food & freak out because i realized nothing i could eat would be clean 4 my stomach

26. it felt that way 4 like three days; an di kept thinking: wow, m y stomach has been trying to tell me it is dying all this time; & tha ti should go to a doctor, badly; & i think occasionally, still, that it wasn:t just acid & there is some cancer inside my stomach k-wordぃんg me

27. i was thinking about it last night; iw as secretly hoping that one of those sudden cancer scares woudl get me w/ a sharp health decline; i would be @ the doctor & they woul dreceive results & say i have a sudden cancer around my pelvis, stomach, intestine, genitals

28. normally i would dread this, having my life cut short; but i realize now that tis is exactly how long i was meant to be around 4; & the inconvenience of being born (the thing worth crying about) is that this whole thing is 4 crossing the threshold in-to death; &giving birth to it

29. i don:t tihnk i am mad, or sad, about it any-more; i am still scared of it; but in hospital beds i don:t think you care aebout it any-more, anyways; i don:t think babies care that they ar ebeing born, you know? all of my relatives never seemed to vocalize fear when they crossed

30. shouldn:t have thought about the last part; because i am remembering names now

31. i am posting toomcuh & i am being too down on mysel; so i need to finish with something positive / uplifting; i love the world, & i am happy to wawtch achiga; & i know that i will snap out of these feelings; & i love my friends, too; & i can love myself; i am thankful 4 saki

32. gomen

@ 11:40 A.M.

33. i feel better; i don:t think i have OCD or anything but reading that thread again makes me think i m constantly worrying about dumb shit

@ 12:50 P.M.

34. just realized there is a 3rd series of saki anime that i completely 4got existed

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:53 P.M.

35. not posting much; just wathcing saki ^%& crashing a little mood-wise; plus my internet is really slow ti take slike 6 seconds to load a page; which si fine but it makes posting really annoying bc the delay interrupts my flow-state ^& gives me time to second-guess myself

36. yhry are starting make me upset again; ^ i fele a little asamed that i still type this way after it's been so long; i am getting a little better [[]@ navigating my thughts but i don:t want to admit to myself that i need to take pauses to ptu my thoughts in order; it is moe though

37. starting to feel uncomfortabnle talking to people, again, though; although i guess that was the same as it was; but i was having some moments wherei wasltkaing t people &' feeling normal & the paranoia/hatred feelings were gone;& i m back ruminating how much they cant b trusted

38. just feels ilke they are always mocking me; '& i can;t ever get close w/ people anyways; so why bother? <-- not encessarily true; but the bad moods i get put in-to aren:t worth the social risks <-- not true either, loneliness is awful; i have one person i can talk to; but <- bad

39. i ignore dm requests randomly but sometmies i Accept them & almost w/o failure the person enver really wants to talk; which is fine, but it makes me wonde rwhy they bothered; shyness nmayb; i shouldn:t be so judgmental; or it:s someone who seems horny; i have to not talk to them

40. tjhere:s power in typing poorly & not using the correct speical cahracters, & hitting near-max-character-limit on every opst; because it makes all your posts look like a big boring wall of [the same shit as always] that makes ppl glaze over them; so you can just say whatever here

41. brevity isc ool; but i like maximalism

42. no longer a fan of maximalism after looking @ google images 4 maximalism

@ 1:44 P.M.

43. creeping thru other peoples profiles; thinking about introversion now; i think of myself as fairly introverted (socially) because i am p ok w/ not seeing people 4 long stretches of time; i m very ok w/ not seeing friends 4 months & consider these relationshisp to b goin good

44. but i like friends; i think the best moments of my life came when oter people intruded in-to my life; especially the Toxic people; i think sometimes this sounds like a meme but :clicking: into the abusive dynamic makes life amazing; it:s like the joys of life open up to me (rlly)

45. if they stop being like that, i stop caring; but even outside of that, having a friend is nice; being content w/ being alone makes me really unhappy, it hink; i:d rather be someone Genki & always @ ease around people; i m conflating my new paranoia issues w lifetime behavior tho

46. bc it ruins even small intimate relationships, you know? idk what i m saiyng

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 1:49 P.M.

47. need to fin dmore characters i can relate to

48. if you believe in oraclse you should believe in this; there is that ero-manga artist comic (about being an ero-manga artist) w/ the internal-universe publicized comic about oracles of various types of divination; i m looking 4 the oracle of character quizzes to help me out now

49. oracles can thrive off iron deficiency ; iron grounds you to earthly things; <-- this is a n esoteric grifter post idea

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:26 P.M.

50. idk anytihng about angelicism but i:ve started to read their substack articles regularly & i like what htey say, it hink; admittedly i struggle w/ understanding a lot of what htey say bc they are more inteducationed that mne, but i think i agree with them from what i understand

51. or, if i don:t agree with them, lets imagine me & angelicism start from 0, if angelicism is +1, then i am -1; &that is basically being close to smeone; i think someone like charles is like -30 from 0; keffie +35; i have a crush on angelicism i think; idk nething about them tho

52. i think me having a crush on someone is basically just viewing someone as elemental-of-nature & they look blue-aligned; even if they don;t uned up that way; 4 instance: i think charles is yellow-aligned, but it hink we aren:t very different from each-other; but the color matters

53. some ppl are dedicated to giving birth to yellow light insect cults; i thinnk of: charles, maybe keffie, patchy-sama-desu, ghooostie (i 4get their name); some ppl just exist @ centerof expanding web, & it hink angelicism might b like that, but i might mis-judge them, too

54. i have the potential & cpaatability to givebirth to insects, even; it:s easy to become gravid to some insect parasite; i try to maintain my color alignment tho; i think the vibeshift association worries me, & colklaborating with the network spirituality ppl, but i try to stay me

55. crush might b loaded; but if angelicism ends up watching saki & ends up liking it; i hope they tell me who their favorite character is -- i:d really like that

56. sometimes ti hink it sounds malicious the way i describe things; or like i carry hatred (i do, but it:s not malicious); ppl who create insect-light-cults are fine; it:s just that my nature is to be creepd out by it; i don:t h8 the doll-ppl but i m creepd out by how it subsumes

@ 2:41 P.M.

57. if i were to satan-psychiatry my way to explanation 4 it, beyond like fluffy idiosyncratic words i keep using: the way group-identity starts to overwrite individual-values & how group-identity can change a persons reaction to another individual is something scary to me

58. you start to see all of these ppl putting patchy-sama:s weird [friend-thing] in their names, or how the miladys spread, or how everyone is now using the language of dolls -- & how quickly these ppl change is exactly how quikly these ppl can change against you, you know?

59. i can see this is less-personal but more-charged examples; NFTs; in one group you have the cryppto-weirdos who just post in their weird crypto language, & they don:t seem like people anymore; likewise how the anti-NFT arguments started to spread & overnight everyone has Arguments

60. it:]s impossible 4 me to see people in any of those; i am just seeing nerve-endings that connect to a greater invisible intelligence; i don:t know how anyone could see a person; the scariest thing to me is stuff like: i don:t think patchy-sama is one of the nerves; or charles

61. tey are not ocnnected to the intelligences they give birth to; they parent their intelligences & watch them grow like they are pokemon; when their intelligence starves / leaves their care -- it is the nerve-endings who are affected, not the parents; it:s weird 4 me to see; subara

62. i:ve grown my thumb nail out & earlier i tried ot scratch out my rist bc i was tired of seeing people everywhere; & couldn:t keep it up because the eeling is terrible; i always take the aborted attempts as insincerity/attention-seeking, but the sensation is actually super gross

63. i don:t think it needs to be re-stated, '& i think i would be a more interesting person if i did not try to appease ppl / act kind; but me being two-faced is just my nature i think; i actually think charles/patchy-sama-desu are both really interesting perople, i like them both

64. keffie too but christianity stuff erks e; i try to be mindful of being too "against" things -- ing eneral i try to treat my emotions/stances as ubilding blocks that r to be played around with & mostly everything but a do-unto-others foundation is up to b shifted around

65. two-faced might be unkind to myself; i think i am a naturally very blunt / forwar dperson & i got bullied a lot 4 it as a kid & @ some ponti you have to realize ppl don:t like it,s oy ou end up being overexplanatory w/ [oh i don:thate you]; <-mayb bullshit; but i worry about that

66. every time my mom tried to speak w me i twould get really uspet '& tellh er to stop saying pointless things & just the core of what she wanted; poitnless was like [my name] [what she is doing] [how hse is feeling] [anything that isn:t the exact thing she needs]; i feel bad now

67. i want to return to that tho bc young mara sounds based to old mara; insufferable though

68. why are you saying my name; there is no one else around

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:34 P.M.

69. i keep eating mt hair whem k sleep

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:05 P.M.

70. feels like my legs and clothes are constantly being urinated on, & i can:t relax because of it; it:s not real, but i can:t relax; skin just feels wet, but it:s dry; sclothes feel wet, buit they are all dry; & i cjust can:t feel clean @ all

71. happened in highschool b4; but with feces & insects; i kept going to the bathroom repeatedly to check because i thought it was real but it never was; i:d just ide in the bahtroom; knowing it wasn:t real was no help @ all

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:09 P.M.

72. feel like my legs& clothes are covered in pee and they are not; think i:m having an anxiety attack or osmething; i feel so uncomfortable

73. asked iris to feel my legs and my clothes and my sid eof the bed; and ofc i am d ry; i know i am; i know this is like, insane mind stuff; but i am so uncomfortable

…from Birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:23 P.M.

74. tried nails again but it:s like paper but worse; i don:;t like touching my skin because it is incredibly dry & it feels just like touching ruled paper; & the nail doesn:t catch on anything s o it roughs across the surface, & it:s repulsive to think about it bc it:s "scraping"

@ 4:50 P.M.

76. gonna play irisu syndrome 4 a bit

@ 5:01 P.M.

77. i did my best irisu-senpai; secretly i hope that you:ll come and save me; i am upholding my promise to keep 82020-chan pure; that:s why i am using my nails; i realize it:s still relapsing, but i miss the ones in the lockbox a lot, actually; id on:t want my marks to fade :-\

79. irisu is always there 4 me; sicne i was nihighschool and had the feelings the first time; ty irisu-senpai

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:09 P.M.

80. got to level 35 in irisu & unlcokd metsu mode; i t made the gross feeling go awaay 4 a bit; i don;t wmean to devolve into a stereotype but i can:t get the filth off me & it:s really uncomfortable; gonna try to take a shower but bathroom is popular atm 4 some reaosn

81. scrubbu scrubbu scrubbu

@ 8:40 P.M.

82. efll asleep n dont even rememebr doing it

83. i m freakishly tired

@ 8:59 P.M.

84. scared,ma little, about how tired i am;b c it:s like sleeping is just making me more tired

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:15 P.M.

85. i can:t se ethe apple; a left-handed person cold never see theapple

86. tis is cope; a little; i don:t tihnk i would trust ne one to tell me that the ycuold see the apple; or that anyone else is left-handed; i can:t trust that seeing th eapple is anything but the light-sinects making more insane concepts& misunderstnadings to bind people in prisons

87. tjere:s absolutely no picture ; ther edoesn;t meed to be a picture; i think entirely in a list; like a word document; ina darkr oom with the lights off if i close my eyes it looks exactly the sme &the outline of the room stays if iclose my eyes;if i concentrate its navigatable

88. i do:t tlike it when ti happens because it:s like the thinking ebecomes unstuck &it breaks immediatelywhen ir ealize that the space has dimensionsto it eventhough there is no picture but darkness;this makes sense because the source of left clay comesf buried down below

89. &itcould be that or ti could jstas likely be over-saturate dof red pollutants in some-one; being boun d tood eeplpy in-to representatn; but it absolutely is more insect scheming; always; it doesn:t matterifhtey are right or correct; thegoal is to create an insect cult,again&light

90. they literally exist inside ofthelight;&inside of music; they areliketrying to capture music in-to a picture; t can:t ever be done; that is represnetioat; the insects looklike physical bodies butt hey areallconencted to nervestaht elad to a greater intelligence (invisible)

91. they are most palpableover the itnernet& you can sense them omre easily there; they are constantly creating noise/cato sexpand the carpet& subsume further;even if it is right or factural; it is never tangible; they are just making more drone to subsume more in-to light mass nerve

92. tjere was neve rany apple; even if you can see the apple clearly there is no apple; th eonly hing tangible i s the unseeable nerve that you:ve become 4 the insect intelligence light mass that ocnencts you to their isnect osng; & that was all you could ever see;'&all you hear

93. i:ve slept 3-4 times todayeahctime i wake up i am more tired ; &ive heen having a lot of nightmares lately; m y legs won:t stop itching& i spent mos ot fht eda yunable to feel clean; & now i can feel clean but my legs won:ot stop itching & i can barely sta yawake;&icant c the apple

94. iif ic oul jdust s cthe plle i wouldnt have to cope like this;but ih ave to cope like this;e very day it:s more of the drone '& more of the weird cyrlical doorway tortur einse ct bullshit evrywhere; everyday iy:ts never a person it alk to but anerveending to newborn intelligence

95. htee:res no need to se eanyyything; to sc anytihng or not see anytihng; when a ne w line is neededed in the .ini, even if it;:s something minor like updating theserver to allow a newborn to dいe vi a newbrand ziplco, an angel molts^&becomeslight^& a physika shell i s lef tbehind

96. i am not smart [@あｌｌ； or knowledgable; i spend all fo my time listneing to the shells; tehy do not say anything heara-ble; but they say real things; all fo the sameifyou st; it happened firs twith knives; they can talk via empathy waves^ & wil do it in weka moments w/ attunat

97. htere is no need to imagine th elight; oriaigmne te darkness; the shlels are all around yo ^& the yar eeager to pollute you wi/th completely dumb garbnage^& micro-religions;from underground;;& equally intereste da re the light-molts^& the insect bnirths that people give in-to

98. evne arachnids can become gravid ow/t he offspring of stuff like wasps ; peole ar eigivng birtht o insects all-of-the-time; ascatere d light insect cults constnatly making peoplel ook like long nerve endings; deahcing^&reattahcing t o foster mre light isnect drone buzz creatures

@ 9:49 P.M.

99. icna;t believe ppl own pets; it;sj disgusting;it's fine

100. ij us tcna't stand animals; i don;t like seeing them

101. gonna wath canime op's to ge tth etohght out of m y head; th ethought is：tutopia world wher e when puppies sscuqeeze under doorfrmaesi provokesthyour roomamtestop ut onthier shoes & stom p it ino-to th etrash/flush it down the toilet; &that is how pet sa re treate din the home[

102. io i don ;:t really wan tthemt o b ehurt hugh; i just ouwld like it to cease ;i don;t think it;s possible tot reata person good if you owna a pet;isthat? true?; it:s jsut a personal hang-up; it reccreepsme out; i tihnk i willbe treate dlike the pet;i would preferto b stompd out

103. wha t it smy ncute little heckn p upper uhman goin gto meowsturbat eto t today;in your ca ge; i shoul dhave put you down wnehjn you wer e akid

104. t he itnerne tis just the colelctive pet consciousness?

105. bein gpar alyzed seems like it:db cool

@ 10:27 P.M.

106. uuugugｇｇｇｈHGHHhh

@ 10:42 P.M.

107. i:lld rinkt he worm water; i don:t care

@ 12:04 A.M.