2021/09/02 MMO coma victim arc {pt 3}

aug 23rd - 25th, the shift to saki-ism

featuring

previous entry / next entry (starting around here i start publishing these out-of-order so i:m retroactively adding this in-to some of the articles)

---

Aug 23rd

「today:s forecast」manga reading, old MMO amv memories, the self as controlled by past echoes, qlifot dispatterning, political position, process of drawing, op/ed watching

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:02 A.M.

1. his is cute;

Ah... and Mm... Are All She Says

…from Mara Barl @marabarlLTD

@ 12:41 P.M.

2. wonder what atrus is doing

3. spending most of your itme bed ridden & not seeing ne other real person & all you have are mmos to spend year sof your life w/, i imagine that they impart spirituality in-to you ,similar if you were to spend all of your time growing up in a church;& RO / FFXI were good churhces

4. i giot bullied out of the schooling system but litlte did they know during that time tnheydidn:t see me, i spent years of my life bieng a DRK cat girl & meowing 4 ppl

5. Tch [clenchjn fist:]

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 1:42 P.M.

6. everyone nmed like _pussy _wife _haver usually sets an incredibly low bar 4 me, in terms of how rdy i m to be disappointed

7. it:s almost always just a bunch of irony queer types who r ironying their way through every irony social interaction

8. hmmaltho maybe i need to be more accepting of ppl going about life that way

…from Mara Barl @marabarlLTD

@ 2:33 P.M.

9. someone else cna have the hikikomori tweet; gonna delete it

10. ppl get really weird about stuf flike that; it:s like that thing where ppl assume no one has the real verison of :issue: so they get supe dfefensive about their caiim to ;issue; -- & they are rwright, suffeirng is super rare; we need to sotp lying <--i don:t like lying,i m joking

11. the trick is tho thre r no ppl i am referring to & i m just projecting stuff i do nlot like anout myself

@ 2:56 P.M.

12. Tch; [clenchingf ist:] meow

13. :ve been drawing w amouse ever sincemyleft hand wetn numb & honestly it:s been working out pretty wel; 4 some reason i can visualize shapes when i draw w a mouse; it doesnt; hel p me that much bu t i struggle w/ the idea of shapes usually / mnubmers, too

14. wish drawing w a mouse wnas:t so un-ergonomoic, tho (?) -- or @ leastusually if i oit 4 too long it starts to feel like warm wires being pulld apar tinside of my arm; meow; i had to quit 3d work bc of thi s ;bakc when i used to make comics daily too; meow

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 3:29 P.M.

15. psotd this elsewhere but had a flashback las tnight about medical stuff somewhat promptd by curiouscat so shut that down again; ppl were kinda weird on it & it hink it came from the hikki post; there were two ppl who were subtweeting about me

@ 4:51 P.M.

16. wish i could curb the attention-craving thing a little; it:s probably fine to do, but it feels transparent+humiliating; it definitely gives u an aenergy

17. i:ma ctually really liking my art l8ly; to the point where i am wondering about why drawing w my left hand is so off in comarpsion -- it:s not like my right hand si some magic bullet 4 art, but it:s sooooooooo easier to "just draw" & it:s not even like :overthinking-it:

18. it:s like that ambient knoweldge i have of constructing figures actually weorks 4 me %& i don:t draw w an extreme bias so that when i flip it loosk weird; it:s very very weird bc i don:t really even think differently; i just get differnet resutls; idk

…from Mara Barl @marabarlLTD

@ 5:03 P.M.

19. hwenever the person w/ the asper-girl avi clikes my posts i remember thme [substacker:s note: there is a person with an asper-girl avi that likes my posts occasionally, & i remember them bc of it]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:31 P.M.

20. unmuted sunny esterday (i doidn:t mute out of malice or nething i just don:t like seeing things on my timeline w/ word sno them) %& i m always impressed w ho w much he argueis w/ ppl; sunny is cool;political-stuff aside i think he:d b cool to han gout w/ irl

21. i still srot-of stnad-by that it:s good 4 mental hyienge to know ppl who care about diffenret political stuff than you; imo the ppl who seem the most [poorly adjusted] r ppl who jus tsort:of drew a line around "their guys" &never botherd talking to ppl outside of "their guys"

22. i:ve expressd thi snaxi ety b4 tho, i get worried oftent hat i m expsing myself to too much right-leaning ppl %& not enough left-leaning ppl; o;r evne just Centrists; most of the ppl around me r communist-interestd but they don:t really talk about politilcs&it:s mostly just Dunks

23. 4 a really lon g itme the only left-leaning perosn i paid attention to was devi but she deactivated n i m wi/o leftism again; altho i nshould stay away from politis cs whole-sale it hink; i don:t want to admit it but religion+politics are both insanely bad 4 my stability

24. ppl too; flashbacks aside i m relativleyst able atm, it hink; idk mayb not; but i haven:t really [relapsed in cutting] in awhile; a dog bit me a lil las tnig ht during the flashback but i have a hard time counting those bc it doesn:t feel real/rational when it happens; it just happens

25. i still ahve the foldingboxcutter but i think i m committed to not sullying it; i want to protect it, which is silly; but i bought it so i have to protect it %& show it love; i want to hold ikt against my face when i m stressd out but i m worried iris will take it away, in fear

26. i realized id idn:;t klnow her name; pro-grade 82020; i want to keep her pure &wait8 4 my othe rs to come back to me; or until i can get extrema ratio if i ever come in-to Stupid Cash; i:d like to ask if i can have one back to renew my vows 4 a daybc they are important to me

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 6:15 P.M.

27. found this channel of a fuy who just unclogs culverts that were dammd by beavers & it:s really relaxing

28. it:s like dounkey kong kcountry 3 vibes; just look @ the start to this video; its: soooo frelaxing

@ 7:20 P.M.

29. i m a terribel anime watcher bc i jsut want to watch one episode of every show

@ 7:32 P.M.

30. elementally i am mithra dark knight rangoark online priest ; & it:s the faith of the mmos imparte don-to me; & i know it all sounds really stupid but i am more freaked out about it than i should be; i dno if it:s just the comptuer but i keep wanting someone to help me purify it

31. & o a stupider degree i keep thinking if it is pluto; i meant to post this on main because the pfp matches tone better; & i hoped to b8 someone to help me; but here is fin too but i don:t think i will get results; idk though; it:s like an itch that ic an:t ever scratc @

…from Mara Barl @marabarlLTD

@ 7:37 P.M.

32. i postd this elsewhere but it:s real anxiety; real divine light & significance 4 things tha ti think others would think really silly (ffxi mithra dark knight; rangoark online priest) %& i don:t know what o do with the feelings %& it really freaks me out & it tarts hurting

33. really real desperation to actualize anytihng @ all & it doesn:t ever happen the bonly thing i can do is repeeatedly gesutre @ it %& make rel8d things to it & i can:t ointeract w/ ppl because it betrays my color alignment& no one understand anyways but i really need them to

34. u fei freaked out over hosiptal coma life support terminal systems last night @& how people twist memories tomake you doubt; i:m not unconvinced that they knew what woudl happen to me by making me remember, bluntly; but it keeps showing me coma & i keep thinking that it:s a msg

35. once again; the qlifot is s deadbug in the surface eep down in the earth:s soikl; she has no power but by touching it causes legs to automatically kick& the top-soil shifts, changing allt he geometry slightly ont he surface &this dispatterns the lattice around :people:;prayers:

36. the dispatterning causesd the younger mara to exist as a sentient entity in the past as an agent to control the present me via patterned messages thatw ere created by the dispatterned toipsoil lattice to imprint religion into nakamura;rangarok online;ffxi;.hack;coma;hospital;etc

37. everytihng becomes true retroactive;y %& the present becomes a wish fulfilled to the past & i am completely controlled by it un-consicously; & the cockroach core world (present) has no place 4 teh religion of the dispatterning latice buecause it was not meant to have the faith

38. in stuff like isos;bins;anime;mmo;manga; are the oil from crushed demon shells (the molts of angels; a new demon & matching angel is created everytime a new line is added to the angel-sun.ini) -- the shells are powerless but the oils are real pollutants that have their own faith

39. the echo demon birth (divine agents are 5+5 because 5 is a divine number; mundane ones are 6 (operators of the insect intelligences) & 8(arahcnid intelligences, usually webs or solitary agents)); the faith/religion has on place & it causes internal dispatter but it:s polluted me

40. i don:t want to make thne web anymore; or add to the web; but that:s how the environmental isnect torture chamber works; they are shadows in the wlal that try to drag you in-side with the lure of deathdrive; they trick you in-to feeidng you proteint omake the web grow ' grow)

41. their object is to fuill your diet with mundane junk (2, 4, 6, 8) to clutter you r diet w/ low divine;moremundane; because it drawsyouf urther away from divine sources (grey); there is no place or function 4 divine source; there is no point to it; ' there is cnostant suffering

42. legs in the phosphene shadow deathdrive walls cockroaches; they won:t ever touch you, but they want to touch you; but iot:s a lie to draw you in-to the wall;t hey kepeyou constantly aching 4 touch; they will never deliver :sonada senpai: to yuo; they won:tever touc you; NEVER

@ 8:15

43. misunderstanding unfunny violet deadbeats who just constantly put un-desired inputs int-oyo uo constantly; i don;t want any-more inputs isnide of me;but they have it set up so that you have to constantly receive inputs

44. wathcing op/eds in tmy anime folder to calm down; i watchd: narutaru op/ed; kekkai sensein ed; jormungand episode 12 karen scene; .hack//LOTW op; kujibiki unblaance ova ed;paranoia agent op;tatamigalaxy ed;saki op; i m thnakful '& loving towards everyone

45. i l ove everoyne; i am heaven

46. the rreward 4 leanring mahjong & beocming good @ it was the exdperience of watching saki w/ The boys

47. i:ve come here to rescue you satou

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:52 P.M.

48. realized in the balloon episode of boogiepopo that when she goes into th epiano room she is holding an invisible blalono & when she stares @ the pianoshe lets go of it

…from Mara Barl @marabarlLTD

@ 10:01 P.M.

49. i don:t think th eeostierc people would ocnside rme an aristocratic soul

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:00 P.M.

50. the kujibiki unblaance ova ed is really perfect ot me i keep relistneingot it

---

Aug 24th

「today:s forecast」 bug fears, .hack fanfiction, coma fear, munchausen by proximity fear, psychiatry of self, confusing blogs for reality, art school discussion, watching saki

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 4:28 A.M.

1. think i crushed a small spider on my arm accidentally while i was in bed& worried about that; couldn't sleep either bc i was afraid to fall back asleep but idr why

2. i:d rlealy hope that tsukasa would not have a s/h hproblem; it:s really bad

3. i don:t tihnk i want to be friends w/ anyone unless they can promise to be like sonoda senpai

4. i will save you satou; i will not elt you stay a hiki

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:14 A.M.

5. in4o how to draw

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:56 A.M.

6. trying to not wake up iris w laughing

@ 6:05 A.M.

7. i remember there was htis guy who was in love w/ me who was just like shinra from durarara; & when ifirst startd having my s/h issue i todl him aobut it & his reaction was to say ok: i m goingto do it to myself now, so that every time u hurt urself u ar ehurting me,too

8. & i freakd out & sotppd tlakign to him 4 a few days but then workd up the nerve to confonrt him again &askd; & he endded up being too afraid to do it

@ 6:15 A.M.

9. i want someone to watch one peisode of: saki; .hakc\legendofthetwilight; baccano (again....... again..............?); akagi w me

10. akagi has to be @ night; legend of th etwilight / saki r morning shows : baccano is wheni m desperaete

11. i wnana watch saki w someone so baaaad tho

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:21 A.M.

12. update: the thing i smashd wasn:t a spider it was a cockroach that wasin thebed; not a bad omen

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:41 A.M.

13. love watching this guy fuck up the beavers [substacker:s note: post 10 on youtube]

14. hahahaah f k you beavers :smiling imp;

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:56 A.M.

15. readn support group stuff & one of the topics that quocily comesup is *is this hallucination+* & the answer is almsot always yes (to delusions n other stuff too bc ur not supposed to enable); some ppl r really resistnat to :thing-being-hallucination:, tho

16. i m thinkn about this bc i always tell my doctors when tehy ask about hallucinations: i hear full covnersations (like a radio tlakshow) in running water &really pretty j-pop idol music sometimes; not always bu t definitely happens & i always am transfixed by it wen it happens

17. &the doctors r always like o ya mara you are craz;y; & i don:t really ocnsider these to be hallucinations @ all; i think they r probably proetty normal experiences; & it makes me wonder if i m meme-ing myself in-to not relaizing i am hallucinating; but i don:t think i am

18. trying out sexual stuf ftoday would b kinda cool; mlike meowsturbation; it sounds more cool in my head tho, bc it:s just a quiet chilly morning& i ahve the room to myself; but i know in reality it:s jsut kind of disgusting & will probably make me cry / hurt so i don;t c the point

19. i don:t really think i am delujsional either but i think ih ave blips of myself [from a perspective other than my onewn:]& i understand ho w it can look that way; & i start to think may-be i am lost ins omething bc i am kind of "submerged in my own beliefs" may-b more than i know

20. msaybe the perverted stuff is bc i:ve been thinking about the bathroom-man again; i was tihnking about terminal stuff last night too; the thought of Exit gives me the same terror-butterflies as doing th edisgusting-sexual stuff fear apprehension i had when i was young,but i didit

21. the neck thing i did too; that was insanely vibrnat&exhilerating; it:s really badbecause the terror-baptism-feeling is really addicting bnecause it:s like life becomes more real thane ver;& i think i would feel the same wa yabout taking the terminal L too; worries me to think abo

22. watchn this guy [substacker:s note: post 10 on youtube] unclog ngrates & remove beaver dams& it:s really relaixng; it reminds me of donkey kong country 3

23. i think oen of my ties to bliprecongizing that i am amybe dleusional is i was tihnkign about my scars& why iw antd to ask iris to let me do it agian;& it w asbecause they are holy markings that tie me to the qlifot & i don:t want to let them disappear;& realized how much it meant

24. i want a strong pe rosn toh old me & hurt me, ithk; just holdme& thentell me to do bad things to myself; it hink that would be ideal 4 me; i m really depressed tihs morning 4 some reason; dypshoria again may-be; but it:s like dysphoria 4 the wolhe world, you know? everything

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:55 A.M.

25. i got relaly ocnfused 4 a moment '& thought i was talking to somebody & i was trying to figure out who iw as tlaking to bc i thought i was oging to show them something & then remembered i was just reading a blogpost about hypergraphia&w eil

26. i think it would be he althier 4 me inte-rms of growth to doubel down on religion instead of trauma; that is not saying i tcorrectly; bc i don:t think the being-saved-religious mentalit is m uch differentthan psychiatry; as personal purpose/role tho; i want to b a priest again

27. the shrine is like two hours away tho; but that was mor efun& i like it as an idea of persona ljourne y morethan overcoming trauma, it hink; or working through things; it:s hard to adhere to tho bc everytihn goutside of yourself g oes against it + doesn:t care;it:s really lonely

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:44 P.M.

28. was reading thru a threadabout SCAD warning ppl not to got here *+ SCAD regret; my intuition that every person int hat thread scomplaining about their time @ SCAD is likely techjnically a far superior artist than every-one saying they r glad they didn:t go to SCAD

29. i m not really conflating technical sckill with "makign intereseting art" -- all the profiles i saw made super boring art imo; the most boring were the self-taught; <--but again, i m roasting these ppl but i would also say it:s mostly just a "type of person" than training

30. ie: a really recognizable pitfall i c in people arethe college-age person who goes "y pay 4 trianing, i can teach myself, i:ll drop-out or go to whatever bumfuk school" --> this is a "put off to tomorrow" type afraid to take chances 4 their dreams &takes path of least resistance

31. &on the other hand, the "i went to SCAD '& ir egret it i wasted so much money" is -> i thought training would give me osmething [to say] w/ art & it didn:t & i don:t magically have fame now; i think they are both reallycommon& really closelyrelated bad-art mentalities

32. u should just b aware that a purpose of ne grind money-dump scam art school is they take all of ur money to force u to train to become a industry-level (technical) artist; & it:s not really much more than that besides memories + cunnecitons w/ a bunch of other artists

33. source: i m a drop out who though ti would dtrain myself to become good @ art, & didn:t; & all of my HS art friends went to priv art schools & either became galelry artists or bitter/resentful

34. o, clarifying statement; re: self-taught; i m specifically targeting the ppl who say stuff like "i can train myself" & aren:t rigorously pursuing art on their own; it:s one ofthose simple: "y are you talking about it in the future, just do it now" things

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:57 P.M.

35. u know i palpied 4 the lgbt artist grant but ih aven:t checkd that email once i realize; i saw a rt:d thread about "queer fanbase lashing out against u"& was thinkn 1) wish my fanbase would lash out aginst me i m bored 2) backlash by queerfanbase woodb good 4 my lgbt grant resume

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 2:08 P.M.

36. this made me laujgh but it:s sad; i think bc i felt about exactly the same& now i:m a mess

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:02 P.M.

37. tsukasa is really uncomfortable w/elk but is strying to put up w/ it, & it:s nto working & tsukasa is just constnatly ruminating on how awful elk:s touch feels & how gross body heat is & how awful he is 4 being like this;& tsukasa:s guardian is seconds away from hospitalizing elk

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 3:32 P.M.

38. i have a low bar 4 muting someone [substacker:s note: someone responded to my tsukasa x elk post w “tsukasa only likes the ladies”]

39. i:ll resist acutally; i nekeep pushing people away in small amounts but it adds up; posting a hypothetical mute over here may-b is validation, tho; idk what i am mad about -- mostly just like a: idc i didn:t ask

40. i should watch madlax & noir tho

41. converting mad energy in-to anime energy; i 4get if it was someone on /a/ ro someone on twitter tht was talking about the madlax opening being one of their favoites even if it:s boring; & i kinda agree; it is very simple but very elegant & i love it

42. the noir one is good too; you can realyl start to see the visual motifs that Bee Train likes ot use; https://youtube.com/watch?v=gJpHU--A--8… i wanna wathc both after i finish .hack//sign, maybe; this is a subtweet to hen but i wanna watch a ton of anime ;i m space-brained

43. hack//sign is still my faovrite bee train OP tho,, it:s just, idk; i think it:s my favorite ever; it is heavily weighted to me bc of nostalgia but i could live n d-word happy that .hack was a prominent part o fme <-- silly but sincere sentiment; love it trmeneodusly;

44. realized that person didn:t like my post so i reneg:d on what isaid & muted

@ 4:24 P.M.

45. cmin back to htis thread bc it got a like; the .hack thing might seem like i tcame out of nowhere but it wactually was [a vast part of my life] bc i grew up on mmos you konw? not terrifically rare but .hack was like the dream 4 ne person who was like that

46. bc it basically took your feelings to mmos 6%& went: your feelings are real %& they are special; & the world inside online games have real magic to them; they have their own fait;h their own histories; their own secrets; & it instilled prue chuuni-ism into me; lot of roleplay

47. partially it hink this is also why i connected with irisu so much; bc it was the first big ;meta-game; that fuckd w your comptuer ifles (this might not be 100% literlly true but i remember it being the first popular horror WHAT ITS CHANGING FILES??? things); it just felt alive

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:09 P.M.

48. i love saki; this iamge is not from saki btw; it:s from an article i was reading about NEETs vs hikikomoris

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:32 P.M.

49. i want to watch some saki arcs so badddddddd ughgghhjg

50. watching it w ppl & learning ppls faovrite characters is so cool

51. could you believe saki si a great show; woudl you be willing to believe that?

52. i miss The Boys if only 4 sakiscussions

@ 7:46 P.M.

53. BANG BANG BANG WATCH SAKI LET ME IN IT:S SAKI

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:56 P.M.

54. elk trise to hold tsukasa-hand while they are walking (neither of htm has said nething 4 about 7 minutes); & it causes tsukasa to freeze completely &stare@ his feet bc he:s been looping in his head 4 the past 20 minutes on whether he should say he wants to be alone or put up w it

55. & elk asks whats rwrong & clasps tsukasas hand tigher but now tsukasa is cylicng thru his ehad about whether or not he should jerk his hand away& instead he just stands there strembling clearly upset & stammering & then teleports away to sulk 4 4 days

56. @ the end of most of theseencounters the guardian pierces elk &hospitalizes him; & it just makes tsukasa worse

@ 8:26 P.M.

57. i thought about making a dnd alingment chart, keeping lawful/chaotic&replacing evil/good w .hack/digimon --> dithisndoens:;t make a lot of sense from a pracitalcstnadpoint but i like the idea of ppls spiritual relation to the internet determind by early exposure to either series

…from Discord

58. 3

59. 2

60. 1

61. Go [substacker:s note: starting episode 12 of .hack//sign]

62. > [message]

63. i am desperate to watchs aki but i can:t start another long series

64. > [message]

65. i watchd the OP yesterday& 4got howcool the arcs were

66. hmmmmmm

67. > [message]

68. >[…skip…]

69. > [message]

70. hold on in eed ot mentally steel myself

71. > [message]

72. kind of want ot stop already but it:s already over

73. > [message]

74. i gotta watch anime tho my anime is piling up

75. > [message]

76. you have saki dl:d?

77. > [message]

78. i mthinknbecause i want to finish this

79. but honestly this is already just making me think a lot

80. @ least tsukhamass is being thoughtful

81. > [message]

82. ginkan..

83. do your subs say ginkan or silver knight

84. > [message]

85. o; mine is Silver Knight

86. > [message]

87. i m ok

88. > [message]

89. yaa; whole thing is kinda depressiong; a little

90. subaru acts,,

91. > [message]

92. (*´-`):thumbsup:

93. > [message]

94. this ep is really heavy

95. > [message]

96. because it looks like it s ig iognt o get sadder

97. > [message]

98. :- (

99. i want saki palette cleanser

100. i:m @ my coma threshold

101. > [message].

102. is it achiga-hen or normal saki

103. > [message]

104. oki bc there is saki side A

105. whicihi s not saki

106. > [message]

107. there isa lot ofsaki

108. but it]s only a lot if you like saki

109. if you do notlike saki ther eis very little saki

110. tery wise

111. > [message]

112. sry; getting water and doing dishes rlly quick bc iris sick

113. > [message]

114. she is druggd out on benedadryl

115. i mback

116. there is a chores list on the fridge & 4 the mom it says like "manage everything..."

117. the only person w the ...

118. > [message]

119. i m ready thugh..

120. > [message]

121. the benahgih

122. 3...

123. 2...

124. 1....

125. go... [substacker:s note: starting episode 1 of saki]

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:14 P.M.

126. laughd

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:26 P.M.

127. got ot wathc two episodes of saki & i ' m in a better mood

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:35 P.M.

128. weird ot c but i saw a post on TL about munchausen by proxy & i always think [what munchausen by proxy tries to describe] might be hawat happened to me; my mom spent a lot of time/mone trying to get me diangosd as diabetic when i was very young so i was being testd ocnstantly

129. when i got older; if iw as ever sick it was because i had diabetes & sh e woudl give me "the talk" where she would tell me that it doesnt have the end my life and that i can learn to conrol it through dieting ^& she'd make me poke myself on the teseting kit to c my bloodsugar

130. whenever i'd go to a doctor i'd justb normal the second i got bloodwork back ^& all my issues would go away lol; but when i got sick again then i would get naother talk; another finger-prick (i m terrified of veins / shots from the 'shopping 4 diagnosis period');i'd panic

131. she got me my own bloo d testing kit; she had it in a little black kit bacg to carry w/ me; i always wondered why she had two suddenly; then she pulld it out one day & said this one is yours; you need to keep it in a safe space; & you need to test yourself tonight; i felt so dead

132. still scares me a litlte to think about; never really considerd it abusive; just like "i don't like it^& maybe she is right"; super scared about eating rong food, to the point that i'm not sure if it's real or not (pain ig et from eating food)

133. it's funni its one of thsoe 'wierd tihngs' that only became weird to me recently; one of iris's siblings was askign me if iwantd to c a movie, & she was asking if i wantd to see [movie about mom who lies to daughte rabout being ill]& i wnet no that rmeinds me of my mom& me

134. it's funni too i'd freak out to my frind too; if ound out one of my friends used to work in an ambulanace so he became like mey "i am freaking out about ifi have diabetes, please talk to me and listne to my smyptoms" then he'd always go "oh no, you have 'dumb thing', not diabetes

135. maybe i am diabetic

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:16 P.M.

136. i ilke the idea here, about ero-manga helpingunveil an artists sincerity, ^& sinceritybeing a skill that can-be worked on; i think i kind of believe it;a lot of my favorite artists are un-ashjamed about their pervertd interests& i rlly thinkthier art has a glow un-like other ppls

137. i don't ithnk you have to be ahyper-pervert or nething either; but if you are like, secretly a massive pervert or are suepr ashamed about your interests, how do u expect to make work that connects w/ other ppl authentically? u can't even connect w/ yourself <-maybe

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:32 P.M.

138. some of these ppl would be amazing @ writing attention grabbing headlines

---

Aug 25th

「today:s forecast」autism, migraine, saki, character mapping, .hack

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:05 A.M.

1. tihnking more about [the chart from yesterday, post #57], b recause it is definitely not a good idea -- but i think it would have to mostly work ff of :whjich series was the first to make u think the internet had sincere magic inside of it:& afterwrads this bcomes the underlying tradition 4 you < --silly/neat

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:53 A.M.

2. i retook the test a few weeks ago after remembering that i had reallly bad issues as a kid; this was b4 i realized what handflappign was tho; it is probably more fair to take an average of ur test results but stuff like this is kinda interesting; the more i remember tho is :-/

3. i still feel insanely stupid 4 not realizing what hand flapping was

>[replier 1] the name doesn't describe it that well imo like flapping to me implies flapping something open and closed, but it's more like waving hands fast or trying to 'feel a spinning sensation' in hands by rocking them around fast

>>where it messed me up specifically is it hought it always had to be, like, two hands waving fast -- around your shoulder height; & i nefver considered 4 a moment you could do it w/one hand or with your hand(s) lowered by your waist; or that other hand motions could replace it

4. the fuckd up thing about the hand falpping that i just found uot is it also invovles crossing the joints over and flicking them, & rapping knuckles on usrfaces thsi etire time i:ve just been doing this up into the present

5. beocming more and more convinced the state had me as R-worded because everyone knew i had autism

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:20 A.M.

6. gm

7. i think drawing w mouse-hand lsot magic; may-b go back to tablet now

8. low posting quantity day; migraine; watchd al ot of anime;h ere:s a picture of my saki mousepad; when i was younger i wachd saki wi/ a bunch off riends in a skype call & we named ourselves after the characters; i was yume & i became friends with the momo person;he sent me this

…from Telegram

@ 9:45 A.M.

9. >[message saying: this one is you]

Ah... and Mm... Are All She Says

10. i know......

11. i:m kinda glad you playd htat game i :vebeen reaidn git slowly & it kinda like, idk how to put it

12. it kinda sucks ass but it:s also really good

13. >[… skipping messages …]

14. Mh

15. i was tihnking actually; i 50% relate ti this oimic because it:s bcoming progressively harder 4 me to know which words to use quickly, &if it ry to speak fast i:ll just outright not use right words a lot ofthe time now (depressing)0 but i don:t wan tto paujse 4 like 20 seconds to remember the word "lake" is not "mastubrate"

16. but the way they hsow it in the comc makes me go l ike "this seems like some fake nightmare condition & it only works in the comic bc the editor girl magically understand mh"

17. >[message]

18. '& the layer below thatis "asper girl is kinda of a better version of this but less shounen"

19. >[message]

20. >[message]

21. >[message]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:46 A.M.

22. i am sociable, friendly, loving, accepting, affirming, easy-totalk to, like making friends, upbeat, optimsitic, caring, tender, warm-hearted, comforitng, soothing, considerate, empathetic, doting, happy, love birnging joy, always smiling, radiant, bright & i love the whole world

@ 11:23 A.M.

23. knowing habout autism was aninfozhard

24. autims depessng

25. hope they fix it o r fetishiz eit or w/e idk what u do witht hstuf lfike that

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:42 P.M.

26. happy about this lol

27. it:s not even an official acct i think; it:s just like a super fan r group of fans that combs thru dot hack stuff; i& it:s still really cool to me; i think mostly bc even tho i mostly wonly do fan-stuff, i don:t think most ppl consider me to make fan art

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 4:47 P.M.

28. dothacknetwork rt:d me n it made me happy [substacker:s note: referring to a drawing i posted; i don:t put my art posts here]

@ 5:08 P.M.

29. i love [post 10 on youtube] he is making me want to play ever17 so much

30. omg he has a pet leech that he self feeds

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:12 P.M.

31. i really like .hack; i was tihnking about expanding the internet-influence-chart thing but rlly i only care about .hack so that:s th eonly one i can talk about; i kno wa little bit abot tje others; but .hack is the only one that means a lo t to me, i think

32. the blurry .hack//liminality pfp may-be put sm ein a mood; i really subsctribe to the idea that your pfp changes the energy that you post with, in terms of how ppl perceive u but also how you eprceive yourself & it subtly/overtly influences you in a major wa yi think

33. old pfp: depressd, eager to not post, isola ted; .hack pfp: chaotic, love posting, leavesno choice but to be very onli ne, catgirl rolepplaying

34. may-b silly but if i were to envision a wo lrd where there was some real religion based on .hack i:d hope that ppl who come out of comas, even if they r basicalyl braindamaged, end up as oracles -- it:s a shaman culture basically but w/catgiirl roleplay; this is just 4 me rlly

35. rllyeve tn tho they areoracles & societally ppl see them as religious figures (theb raindamaged coma victims), they just function as ppl who post dumb braindamgd blogs online but instead of sad&pathetic it:s religious&kids hate it; they still dont make mone btw;but ppl send gifts

@ 8:07 P.M.

36. saki is akagi reincarnated, & this world is basically his hell but it:s nto a bad hell, it:s just where akagi is freed from his hlelish life & it:s all twisted in a way based around his sins but reframed lovingly; everything is a soulless huskbut they are all cute&love each other

…from marabarl & marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:18 P.M.

37. omg a cyberconnect2 employee liekd it

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:26 A.M.

38. have a nice night:; gn