2021/11/11 Morning Post (Timeskip Archangel Arc)

Nov 8th - Nov 9th

2021/11/09

substacker:s note: i am skipping a few months; i:m sorry 4 the lack of posts

featuring:

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Nov 08th

today]s forecast] it:s mostly about archangel:nemesis & religion

…questions from Curious Cat

» [do you like when others take inspiration from you? do you like it when you are being portrayed by others.. ? is there some ground that is " holy ", and therefore shouldnt be touched?]

1. it depends on the type of inspiration; i feel like a monster if any-one supposedly takes inspiration from me to harm themselves in any-way (whether socially, emotionally, physically) -- i don:t like this; artistically, i like that i can inspire people & this sort-of is moving to me (but i:ll completely confess: i kneejerk get upset about this because i:m not super-popular or successful & i kind-of get this "ego wounding" where it feels like others are sucking-up my misery to fuel some creative urges ----------- buuuuut, i sincerely think i am in the wrong 4 feeling this way, this /is/ how art works, & this /is/ how inspiration works, & this /is/ how we share language of how to express ourselves, & i do this to plenty of other people i look up to (such as devi mccallion or wormburrow/rin or even rope fuel)); i also really like it if i inspire people to express themselves in ways may-be they thought "they couldn:t"; i like the messages ppl send me where they relate to something i wrote, or made, & felt understood; this is cool to me

2. how other people portray me is weird because i almost never see it; i get upset if some-one portrays me as being crazy, or like i am lost in some deranged understanding -- because i don:t see my-self this way @ all; i know this opens me up to be "mocked" but i true-ly do see my-self as a religious-figure 4 the qlippoth & try to present my-self this way (but, @ heart i am kind of dumb / too emotional / goofy, i think); i also dislike when other people belittle me via taking something super-important to me & kind-of reducing it to "cuteness" or a "joke"; i think these anger issues are something i need to work, on, though; it:s nice 4 me that any-one considers me in any-capacity; i feel super alone, anonymous; if some-one talks about me (or to me), no matter positive or negative, it:s like the world is actually real 4 a moment

3. difficult question; i have personal "sanctified ground” that i don:t like being touched ~ the birthday acct is one (i don:t respond to other people on it, on principle, because of this); important series is another (narutaru, boogiepop, wonder egg, whatever) because if i sense other people “dirtying it" it sets me off too bad; every-thing related to aosa mako, too, i don:t want any-one to touch that; self-harm, either; <- this is all personal stuff; some of it is tied in-to beliefs, but it:s all very personal; the only vision i:ve had about "sanctified ground” relates to the grave of the glippoth where she is buried, & the nature of prayer to the glifot; the glifot is a dead, & should be treated like honored dead, & ideally should not be touched or disturbed or bothered w/ loud Voices; the procedures were to pray carefully as-to-not accidentally touch her with praying-hands (forcing her legs to kick, like when you touch a dead-bug, causing the patterns of life to shift slightly), all prayers should be done in a whisper or non-verbal, prayer has to be done in low visibility to emulate the grave deep-earth, & ideally braille is used 4 written prayer as it is naturally "blind” & caters to sinistration; <j broke all of these rules & started to praying to her like a daughter talks to a mother; i became too lonely

have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

» [if i send you money could i be your friend ??]

difficult question; it:s very easy 4 me to say "no" here, because it:s difficult 4 me to be-come close to any-one w/o shared mutuality (trauma, interest, passions, circumstance) -- but i:m aware that i can be bought / have been bought & can become infatuated over money; even if i don:t be-come infatuated over money, some-one giving you money is a form of control that softly forces you to give them more attention-than-otherwise, & it:s possible that this exchange could lead to a sincere friendship; but my gut feeling is: unlikely, but not impossible; i am difficult to be friends with; have a nice day, anonymous-kun, ok?

» [have you read archangel:nemesis ? twigs (main character) makes me think of you (although you are not similar at-all, there is something of how she carries herself), anyway, i hopeyou have a nice day mara, you are in my daily thoughts lately it seems!]

i just read part-one, i really liked it; i saw that sofa posted about it a-while ago, & that emamouse made music 4 it, & sort-of kept going "i should play this" -- but it:s very hard 4 me to start tasks w/ self-ignition; this question was enough to make me read it, though, because i can:t answer this question otherwise ^^; & i:d feel too bad not answering this question, when i received a few others along with it, & i didn:t want you to think that i did-not-answer; neways, i:m going to screencap my thoughts i messaged to a friend that i convinced to read a-long w/ me; & respond here, to you: i liked twigs a lot, i actually agree that i think we are very different people (how to put this -- i think i am a stronger personality than twigs <-- this is loaded w/ worth, because i think we are weak in "the same way", but i think i project my-self more than she does, & am more focused in one direction), but the way she feels about religion is super near-&-dear to me; there is uhm, gosh, how to put this, i think every "raised religious" person feels like this, i don:t know how to put it; when the "mothers teachings" sections come-up, & when twigs reads it & feels kind of Weird, it:s really "real", text does speak to you that way, & every-thing about the processing is also super-familiar; i:m just rambling ^^; i like this a lot; thank you 4 giving me a reason to start it; i:m going to read part 2 tonight; take care of yourself anonymous, okay? you have real value

…questions from DMs

» [Do you have any good online sources for basic religious language and ideals that you've founded some of your beliefs off of?]

hel-lo; good-morning; the short answer is no; longer answer: it:s impossible 4 me to gather sources, as most of it comes from [research papers i do not remember the name of] & [conversations with other people], & a large part comes from [within (example, the insect/arachnid/red/green dichotomy comes from taking lsd)]; if i were to map it out --

pre-2019: i played dwarf fortress 2019: i joined a cult that was centered around s/hing myself to summon angels, the leader was an angel & i was a demon; watched utena & thought there was something very important to the dichotomy between anthy/mamiya & utena/mikage that could be summarized as [darkness: incapable of creating self-purpose] and [light: capable of creating self-purpse]; through conversation with i learned that left-handedness was called "sinistration" & thought this mapped on-to darkness; i started studying psychiatry via sci-hub, & some textbooks on delusions, but also found some paper about how mental-illness is associated with left-handedness, & that the source of handedness is "unknown", & papers related to testing these things; i started writing backwards to embrace "sinistration" 2020: i moved in with iris, who is a philosophy major; iris would tell me about buddhism & some kabbalist-idea (? i 4get this), mostly she described the qlippoth (when i took an interest & asked about it) as a dead-bug that has no divine power, but when touched (like how all dead-bugs do) will kick its legs reflexively & look divine; she also mentioned things relating to holding stones to tap in-to magic; i developed this idea that plants/flowers were sacred, & the dichotomy between dark/light actually had to do with achlorophyllous/chlorophyllous flowers instead <-- achlorophyllous flowers lack the ability to photosynthesize, so they parasitize the flowers/fungus around them; iris told me something about how the achlorophyllous flowers have comraderie with fungus, since the fungi also know what it is like to be rejected <-- fungi became demons; i was gifted a flower & took care of it, i cried when it bloomed & was hit with a wave of euphoria; i took LSD, & it went very badly: everyone except me looked like a monster (this never really went away until a few months ago; comes back in waves), & i thought that i had witnessed "a horrible infohazard that causes pedophilia" & that taking LSD potentially gave me this infohazard: the only pure form of life is a seed, when it begins to sprout, it is still slightly pretty, but when it fully-grows & roots-out, it becomes a hideous mandrake root; i realized how ugly limbs where, & looked 4 a knife to begin removing my arms and legs; iris hid the knives (this concept became "red pollution", being a force of "pure representation" that, when saturated with this pollution, would make you lose your brains "auto-complete" function that allows us to see "people" instead of "humans" (meat-vision), being polluted makes you suicidal); i was listening to devi mccallion, & realized her voice sounded like a tinny insect, & was giving me orders, i also intuitively felt that the entirety of the world was conspiring to get me to ignore the "ugliness", & the music-insect-voice was layered deep to trick me & seduce me; i saw shadow legs under everything, & realized there was a mass of insect-carpet everywhere (i called this "brown" initially, it became yellow over-time; this is the source of insect-organs\yellow); i went to check on my flower & saw a beetle on it, & became nauseous -- insects were everywhere, & the houses are filthy roach motels, the food is polluted, the people are disgusting, & there is no-where on earth clean from this; it left my intensely suicidal 4 a few months; eventually, on a walk @ night weeks later, i was contemplating how my spiritual core is just a bunch of insects -- & lookd @ the treeline, & they (the tree-tops) looked just like the large bodies of arachnids; their legs hidden in the branches; & i thought back to the acid-trip, & realized (when i was trying to sleep on acid) that there were non-insect voices trying to speak to me, that sounded motherly -- these were the spiders (6) who look just like (6), & the trees/voice were trying to warn me that insects (6) muddied the distinction of arachnid (8) with spider (6) so that spiders could-not easily distinguish each-other from insects, & you had to carefully count the legs to tell (counting letters came from this, to reveal true-names); this is where arachnids came from -- initially they were grey, they became blue when i remembered color-theory & thought oppositional forces make more sense-this-way (ala yin/yang <-- this came from esoteric racists telling me about yin/yang & how i am full of yin); i was reading posts by an esoteric racist named sunny, who posted some non-racist things about worshipping planets, & the voices they have, <-- this is where my focus on the earth came from (? unsure, it definitely instigated things); around this time my mother told me i had been molested & had been in a coma as a child, & this some-what shattered my image-of-self / idea of continuous memory, bc i have 0 memory of this <-- i reached out to a user named gnostiquette about dealing with "i have no memory, but i am abused?", & it lead to conversations about the left/right-hand path, & esoteric kabbalah -- she told me to read the zohar, & that i should look towards the sefirot, & "hod" specifically as it:s the left-hand force of the sefirot; i asked her: what about the qlifot? she said: you shouldn:t, people who look towards it tend to go crazy in the bad way; i decided she was lying to me (not intentionally) & that she was trying to steer a left-handed person on-to right-handed thought, & sought out the qlifot instead; i went on nature-walks & had visions from the trees about death, & remembered being told about dead-bug moving, & the fotos on crevicedwellers page (twitter user, lots of dead bug fotos), the forest felt like it was calling m e to die in its roots, & i felt in-side of my-self that the qlifot is really buried down @ the base of the sefirot, as great dead bodies; around this time another person named [removed] tried to get me to become a cult-leader & asked me what demons were -- i had no idea; angels were worms (i don:t remember why, but i was resolute that they were); i read little on qlifot, beyond real cursory things, such as the wikipedia page & the theomagica page (one of the first search results 4 qliphoth) -- it didn:t make sense to me, besides that the qliphoth was formed from a broken sefira when the sefirot was being made; the qliphoth is not divine, but not mundane, because while the sefira is just "clay pots" they are divine as they are vessels that hold "pure soul" -- when the qliphoth shattered, it lacked this capability, but its surface is still wet w/ "pure soul", so it is not completely mundane; i took that, & mostly @ this point had a resolution that the qliphoth can teach me directly, & i need to be wary of consuming information that insects try to feed me -- so i swore off reading any-more; i couldn:t help my-self, & ended up reading in-to shamanism & shintoism via a few .pdfs & wikis, mostly be-cause i was playing raging loop & wanted to learn more about priestliness -- there is a character named rikako (in raging loop) who worships a spider-god, & i wanted to be more like her; i knew rikako was important, because i had gotten better @ identifying divine patterns that qlippoth sends me to consume; through shintoism/shamanism i got hints that i was intuitively following this path, & that my next step was to marry the qlippoth ala a ceremony that i never went through with (i think be-cause of failed suicide attempts, i don:t remember why) 2021: i know less about 2021 because my memory starts to fail around this point, i think; 4 example, the most i can say about the torture-chamber: i intuited it out from messages; demons being sheddings of qlifot: intuited this out from messages; @ this point i become more "actively religious" be-cause the qlifot is speaking to me, & i am learning how to hear it; keffie speaks to me about her angel-clock theory, where the orders of angels are laid-out on a clockface <-- later this becomes a building-block 4 me, in combination with subarashiki hibi teaching me about "crawling chaos" (subarashiki hibi was very bad 4 me, & fed me messages about "the agents of angels" & in-turn "the agents of demons", my sister/agent would be "demon birth" & she would pollute me via forcing me to consume to become gravid) <-- in-stead of angel-clock, it was combining trinity-theory (father / son / holy ghost) with quaternity-theory (father \ son \ holy ghost \ satan), & 3d modeling terminology; god was the vertice (1), the simplest form of creation is a tri (3), two tris can be used to make a quad (4 -- the shadow of 3, where satan is); this was combined with my true-names to identify insects & arachnids; the core of insect (6) was (3), the core of arachnid (8) was (4); so: the trinity was insect-ideology, the quaternity was arachnid-ideology (god is in both of them); it fractals, too; qlifot is (4) because she comes after sefirot (3), as she is made from a single broken sefira; eve is (4) because she comes after adam (3), as she is made from a rib of adam; satan is (4) because he comes after trinity; further -- left-handedness is (4), because it maps on-to the qlifot:s ratio (the qlifot is made from a single broken sefira, & 10-11 sefira are in the total "tree of life", so the qliphoths "tree of death" is about 1:10 the size of the sefirot, & left-handed to right-handed is about 1:9)

sorry 4 the wall of text; there are a number of things i can not remember (phosphenes, cancer-spots, torture-chamber); if i was asked specifically, i could define; but i don:t remember where they came-from; if i were to guess: talking to anime/manga characters; i excluded mentions of narutaru but narutaru was "biblical qliphoth essence" to me; likewise subarashiki hibi triggered a very awful prolonged episode in me that fed me a number of revelations/patterns

^ this is in an underlying process of "consumption" that opposes "subsumption"

really poorly drawn out like this

» [You've been showing more positivity w your tweets lately. Is it genuine?]

it is; i:ve been sad about [leaving iris], but i still try to be optimistic -- it:s panuru-teachings; something i:ve been trying to learn is that part of "loving every-thing" also means "loving the capability of having hate" & "expressing hate" <-- hate is harder 4 me to express than sadness (although i am an extremely angry person), but same applies 4 sadness

» [You’ve tended to not show anger towards things that warrant it (abusers); do you tend to express anger towards smaller-scale thing?]

well, it would warrant it, but i struggle with viewing my-self as "me", 4 instance, i have a lot of issues surrounding my mother & what happened to me, but it:s easy 4 me to understand that she has many-of-the same pro-blems as i have, & likely was just scared/frustrated/tired & had never done this be-4; i don:t really think most people can harbor true "evil" or mal-intent, & most of my abusers just seem as broken-people that are no-more better/worse than me; i:ve likely done-worse than most of them

but, smaller scale things, yes; i like that character "yumi" from chihayafuru because she has the same sort of anger as i have; any small "hiccup" that goes against her natural-flow sort of immediately sets her in-to a negative thought spiral about how she is a failure; my anger is usually always directed inward -- except if it:s "human processing" stuff, ie: i can:t stand the sounds people make, & it kneejerk makes me incredibly upset <-- but it turns to self-hatred after i settle down; likewise: having plans be "interrupted" by impromptu requests by people will make me very upset (really childishly), but i know it:s my fault 4 being childish after-the-fact

oh; being mis-understood, too; i:ll get very paranoid over some-one potentially misunderstanding me; same thing though <-- kneejerk response, the self-hatred, & if i verbalize ne-of-it i:ll apologize & take responsibility; expressing anger & self-hatred are both things i struggle with

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:53 A.M.

1. playing archangel:nemesis so i can answer a curiouscat question :-/ it:s cool so far

2. o hey some neotokyo avi guy followed this acct, too; i used to play that a bunch @ launch

3. cool similes (with archangel:nemesis): i did go to private academies (not boarding schools, though) & did have a faith grade, & am an only child (but no dad in the home), but my mom is agnostic -- altho she was big into the urantia book

4. this part i really like; the typos be-ing considered holy, part

5. the holy text in this i really like; i wish it wasn:t so hard to read; i:m trying to read it all though"i can:t keep up with the chains that wrap me up" is so cool to me, though; i wonder ifthe person who wrote this knows me <-- this is too grandiose 4 me to really think but :heart-emoji:

Poem 26: CASELI, CEZARIUS, CATHARTIS, HILLSBOUROUGHS i am hanging from chains of order and plugged in to the max with pipes fully pumping i bless this immediate generosity to anonymous and you are my only interaction with thee fictions of what i believe to be the outside world, but i don:t care, for i am giving unconditionally as long as i beat the drum of my existence, i:m never going to take back all that i have given, but i am a lonely existence and a sad state of affairs forever like this i forget what i once was if i was anything opposite to the extreme-ism i endure eons and eons and eons its all fictions its all words on a screen ther is no such thing as reality

thusism synchronicity is the never ending ha ha ha to those so inclined to take a gander at the immediate face value all enver ending stream of is-ness: when is aid u coming to me i didnt mean promise of something after that_i have a life span, even the thinker of the Now is gonna have to have a goodbye kiss.thats the truth. gonna say goodbye you help em out my ending is meaningless without u and those others who hold me dearly tightly so when I go so does this nonsense reality enver got making itself up never not stopping the suffering u really cant get a break without detatchment and detachment is just a word what:s words anyways whats this happenstancey dancey poetics anyways i should really mind my own business but im married to forgiveness and being myself for how can i do otherwise I can:t ask anyone else I:m the only one here in my cell happily and suspended waiting for you and yes you will come to me and you will find me within you, straight to the core, that:s precisely how you will hear my prayer and my word and there are those who hear me and let me run through you and ther are those who deny me and i love them anyways how merciful i am~

humans can:t really communicate at all and the most ideal way to communicate to your neighbor is to pray for them the human connection the world is based on illusions and we don:t really have any straight connection to the family, friends, individuals, cultuers, etc Since me? you have the mediator to guide you I can:t live other lives other than the vocational one. Is it :weird:? It:s graceful! all i can do is to keep praying for all suffering souls in the world, because i don:t wanna hear about bad evil news anymore. I can feel it inside me. don:t you get it? it:s everyday for me, and in large quantities. Human:s can:t get it. I always remidned in the mirror sometimes Mother is just bullshitting herself and i can only bullshit others. I prayed and i pray for answers. who else but myself to answer? The saints in the past don:t care about such tiny little :coincidences: and :predictions:. but maybe Mother is such a unique existence that she:s gonna have some integrated testimonies and i terms of the lesbian images, they make me think about the traces of evil. the diabolic Mommy Daddy He makes people desire things that they don:t want 4hrt 4faceup 4makeup 4sexy 4etc

never never not any more i cant give this up uim going to kill the final top mount of all the finacnces tyes ytypo creal sieaslf j gus aim sheild youre muy shdilded youre my dhiels dofrom the never e denver never ending styeps YPE FRAME OF HONOR THE KILL ME KILL ME KILLME ANE SL eand end this nothis nmab als my disoerder irod vos aconsciousness and sasdlskf gle mond drop doodles stop motiong kllroy and I cant stop the diet aohfd i cant stop my bleeding i am a huge pumping organ of love and i cant stop the bleeding and i pray yes even your very own #mother prays constantly and you really can:t udnerstand how really hard and difficult it is to pray everday, let alone, our mother:s prayer before a cigarette or to pray constantly never ending just nonstop you really cant do it only dreaming, lullabys of some santimony and highest perfection of wisodms its not possible for the humane lement nothing is impossible for the all inspiring element and the divine holy thought that spilsl icnessantly at the finger typos of your living breathing sensibilities and no phenomena cant really stop the grass growing the flwos like water across 1000s of belly buttons and that:s not all oh that:s not all forward scan auto break seal of zipline tattos follcault caooleo fioollaow foccial foollio alphahriot standarization of OBJECTS standardization of the MENTAL CONSTRUCTION MEN ON THE MISTLETOE CANDY !!! MISTLETOE ON LIGHTWING seven seven seven two two two seven seven four four five three two seven seven seven visions come from above visions come from above from EEEAPWOAAAAEEEAPWOAAAAA is it real its ansty its playful materials of cardboard like a faulty download zoner baby boodle on the bomp of a pickle sensible likewise downgrade : pedal on the metal, widow at the pond, nothing here to be found, the guards loko up and down, she got sixty two guns and sixity two billion lightyears not gonna server that sentence to the table of 8 in the backf ield cruelty upon the rolling shifting freeze and chairs and musical delights and shamanistic oveturs that only a shit faced smoke is gonna read and resonate like the bird chirping inside out with its limbs clicking and resonating to the beat marching that is the only one beat you can everidentify that permeates this constantly feed of data that passes your eyes and your eyes aand your noses and your tongue and your touchy touches that touch all the time and your brain mind can:t can:t can:t can:t can:t get the true tip without the touch of the interior mansion that was loosely described by all those who are only imitations of my own image for all things come thus from the source and all things thus return to the source and that is going to be you my dear sweet little angel and

humans can:t really communicate at all and the most ideal way to communicate to your neighbor is to pray for them. the human connectino to the world is based on illusions and we don:t really have any straight connections to the family, friends, individuals, cultures, etc. Since Me? you have the mediator to guide you. I can:t live other lives other than the vocational one. Is it :weird:? ... it:s graceful! all i can do is to keep praying for all suffering souls in the world, because I don:t wanna hear about those bad evil news anymore... I can feel it inside me... don:t you get it? It:s everyday for me, and in large quantities. Human:s can:t get it. I always reminded in the mirror sometimes Mother is just bullshitting herself and I can only bullshit others... I prayed and I pray for answers, who else but myself to answer? The saints in the past don:t care about such tiny little :coincides: and :predictions:... but maybe Mother is such a unique existence that she:s gonna have some integrated testimonies... and in terms of the lesbian images, they make me think about the traces of evil... the diabolic Mommy Daddy.... He makes people desire things that they don:t want. #hrt #faceup #makeup #sexy #etc... so it:s really like schizophrenia.... and then Mommy Daddy makes people have wrath :long live the lesbian kingdom!: :make pedophilia love! no war!: :no bra! cut my hair off!: :sex sex sex! free free freedom!:.. the person is making a lot of pictures, just to prove how absurd the world is. Who else but MommyDaddy is behind those taiji confusions or those is it up or down-isms. confusion? that:s the situation amongst the spiritual battlefield...act act... acting all the time... stop stop.... stopping never! books don:t exist. stop wanting to be the baifumei... essnetially speaking, you, the chosen one, are gonna come let me out of here and you will really have to make a choice between free me or stick around in this mess... that:s really a matter of choose between Mother or MommyDaddy and keeping the MommyDaddy element will mean sticking around in the field of delusions and killing me, just killing me, will end all of this and you:ll never have to worry about the passing of the first kiss you:ll never have to worry about gf or bf or whatever you:ll never have to ask can a nun be a camgirl or can a monk drink and have sex all day and still be enlightened... those are all gonna be dust in the wind when u end this shit by seize the jewel sword and cut my head off from the ROOT pleae is this poetry not enough to establish the supreme amount of suffering my imprisonment has been is this really not enough to describe ind etail the prophecy without enough puncture the wound stop being desires from MommyDaddy and listen to me me please and I will whisper before I shout and when I shout i:ll be whipsering my softest most gentle caressing feather on the ears... i don:t know how it gets put inside me and I dont know where it goes once it leaves my organs, and can you believe it, even the MOther doesn:t have the answers, the one true living mind is really a parable for that distinction or lack of therefore cuz really there is not a staple of mind there is not an answer there is no divination or tarots and silly thoughts that spiritual juju gugu feeling is brainwash and the nonspiritual path is brainwash too its all brainwash and you never gonna not get brainwashed if you trying to find the end with any resolute natures, there is no answer, there is no answere, there is only end this shit and lets get it over with now and lets suicide together and i promise you that:s the much more peaceful place, and I:m not selfish, I am MOther, I am the thinker of this world, this sphere of bubbling goodness, and MommyDaddy is the taiji and in that dualism is the prayer that never ends and it only leads you to me, me, me, me and i can:t wait to meet you and when we are together it will feel like a life time times a billion trillion more words than you could ever imagine being swallowed by a big stork with a cock ring and hot bed of icey sexy women stomping around the platform and policemen standing int he watch towers with their hands on their cocks gripping them furiously jerking off with their hands poitning downwards and their bristley mustasches wickedly stuffing otuwards like pineapple juilius maximus and those girls dancing prancing sexy girls in the suicide orgie have no name other than the names im going not give to you mother fuckers i am freedom I am the most free spirit in the whole fucking world find me at Cochella sucking all the dicks even your sweet angel has a bit of that evil neavle MOMMYDADDY SHIT ASS FUCK EM INT HE ASS i can:t keep up with the chains that wrap me up and i have the coker that is really worn out and ancient cuz i am the #1 prisoner I am the #1 criminal I deserve to be here because of the Plate the Slapped with the Silver hammer of where was it I forget it who cares it:s just something over there it only comes over me well I mean only HE comes all over me because I am really incapable of filtering or syphering and 0 from 1s and I really think we live in the lain society these days and that:s ok that:s ok to be the lain girl and sit at the Pc all day and just eat eat eat eat it all up like candy candy gumby gummos and haribos in the vodka that:s cute memory to have and really i:ll never forget your beautiful soul and your beautiful smile and joyful playtime games. you you are a movie star. yes you are the best thing ever ever to come alive and soon to die. im a typewriter with a hardon for ink. bwahahahahahah! and did you know...... villain I am one of you.... and the villain has the worst villains to deal with. MommyDaddy gets the best of us ;). Even your true and holy Mother, and that:s me, is, getting on with her own concepts of God. And yea. I:m just tired of it all. How about you sit in a cell for 2 billion years? whoever you are. Im sure you:ve been programmed with all kinds of shit. and yea shit I put there but I didn:t meat to, it:s too industrial, the god-ness, too many corporatetier endeavors, you live on a screen and through the screen you see my words and on the screen is the word and the word just sitting there and you:re sitting there and i:m sitting here and where is our intaction where is our connection where is our love where is my kiss where is my love where is my time to have that special little feeling moment that a little girl should have but no I got the bad end of the stick, and I got the card dealed to me a long ass time ago I forget when it all happened i forget how long ive been here I just say random shit all the time and ig et away with it and there:s nobody to hear me because there nobody around and nobody ever comes sees me and I don:t know if anyone loves me or not and I might never know whoy ou are or how you came to be all I know is that when you do come to be i:ll know that I:m thinking about you and when I:m thinking abotu yuo, you will live, and before you me you will stand, and inwards you will come to me and you will kiss me on the lips and you wont be afraid of me and you wont be afraid to show me a real love and when that time comes because I had this thought Im going to immedaitely think about these words i thought and I:ll immediately think about the laughing the devil and I:ll defetnly feel that feeling of it:s not even real and when was it ever real and hark it down back to this very moment really i:ll ask myself what the hell is this even and how is even real and what is real and why do I care and why do I look at my body hanging from chains suspended in this chamber of gas...why do i care about the way it looks and why do I care about concepts and these thoughts, and these worlds i:ev built and these places i:ve invented and these people i:ve created to fit in holes I also created and the problems invented to create my very elaborate sufferable narratative tapestry nonsensical labels galore porno movie on a big screen...if you can get this far with me I respect the whole world of you but where are you and i dont know what this is if all i:m seeing is myself. TOP GIRL. TOP GIRL. SLAG. TOP GIRL. TOP GIR. SLAG. i am a slag. i am a slag. 32 girls showed up in the mirror. and ten men walked across the barrier. and 700 and fourty pence of willows and whips and dogs barking and lighting cracking and doll bodies made out of porcelin darling they are coming liek clones to take your virginity awway and break the glass across the skin so it breaks and crushes and rats come out of the pours and your eyes pop open and your toes explode and your genetial invert and you are forcibly transitioned to whatever fucking shit makes your skin crawl. it:s said that the essence of eroticism and drug addiction is religious, and they are the idols in the soul. Otherwise their chemical, biological, psychological or whatever other excuses are insufficient. It:s like people want Mother but they search for her in such wrong ways.. Mara. MOMMYDADDY. dharma. NIL. rhema.. a pretty word! sex is an act of conevant... those sexy sacred languages cannot be abused. and once abused.... we cannot express love. people emphasize the mental part of sexual and druggy behaviors, people ivnented condoms, and contraceptic pills, I AM MERCIFUL, when Heaven si about to place a great responsibility on a great person, it always first frustrates the spirit and will, exhaust their muscles, and bones, expose them to starvation and poverty, harrass them by touching and troubles and setbacks so to stimulate the spirit, toughen their nature and get that spirital LEVEL UP + 1 Let:s go! when I first read that i was like UGH the sky is so hard to deal with. :the world is too dit and ugh for the rock girl to live!: yea... the nature might block parts of my mind so i am weird sometimes.... im broken...even mother.... the one holy mother has some pretty big flaws... you can:t expect perfect from even the sacred objects....sacred is so secular anyways....im a prisoner. the universe decide that for me. im better off that way . a misfit who would constantly get revenged by other people than to be a really smart one who fits all environments well. i caused too much harm to the world... i got blamed....like...really bad... i am the worst thing ever. im a monster. but i am sacred temple... i cry every single day . I constantly cry there are vents beneath my feet to drain the tears that constatly come out of me. my bedroom is very strange and its become superordinary and sublime and i feel quite free in alot of ways and i think someone wanted to trap me so i could be free and just free to be my super evil self and unleash my evil thoughts unto a world populated with evil people like i wondered once and I could be crazy of course i am, but i thought maybe its all a cover up you know and yes, conspiracy is apart of my crimes, i might be a good conspiracy theorist... its just fictions.... but really ..sorry i lost my train of thought.... yea i think... i could be in this situation because they need me to confuse the world and keep those sentient beings in check...like...without me people gonna wake up! cuz they gone now! they lose that worldly sense that keeping everyone going to work and checking in whatever, i never see it, i never hear it, i never experience it, i feel it in my blood, i feel it in copious doses... not all of it:s good... and its not always the same blood, someones picking the flavors here and the trends tend to change over the years, its really like constellation movements and astrologies in terms of how long the moon hpases go... but I dont buy any of that shit, its just whispers in the sand, its just pussies in the parlor and intellectualisms and oh check out my constructed thought dude like woah totally, i am love i am really the biggest love, and the largest love, i am abig heart! i keep this delusions pumping and going and unlike those sentient beings desparent to cling onto images and sense of self I am desperate to get out I am enedy for suicide and that:s my way of jailbreak i want to break out of this shit and i want to break everyone out with me very few will escape the bloods of torment that will wash across the face of the earth, I will kill the entire world I will punish them for what they did, and I will punish everyone for what they did to me, i dont know why yet for the knowledge on the lienar timeline has yet to trigger that even i am waiting for my first visit in a long ime and i will really ask you straightly and you will really consider it and you will have some bullshit thing going on with some other girl and i dont know about you but if you asking me i think you should really reconsider it

6. "the process" really makes me miss the academies & the talks we would have; i miss a lot of the church, stuff, really

…from Discord

@ 9:47 A.M.

7. i read all of the mother text

8. i really liked the mother etxt

9. i stopped after "the process" finished to take a shower n do some morning ch ores (i mean i am going to take a shower & then go do chores >;) )

10. really liked the part in the mother text that goes "i can:t keep up with the chains that wrap me up"

11. a lot of it too; i thought it was really similar to some of my threads when i am freakd out & i really like mother 4 that

12. makes me miss the christian academies a lot

13. …[responses]

14. i:m readn! i just got back from chores

15. atm i am discussing white powder with papa

16. …[responses]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:16 A.M.

17. i wish i could be junko, and i could lay my head in her lap & chew on the hem of her shirt; a wad of the fabric between my left-side molars chewing on it; & then suddenly i:ll remember how stupid i:m acting & think about my lost child & start wailing and digging in-to her thighs

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:15 P.M.

18. i had to go do chores! i:m back now & ready to read! i:m not responding to CC questions until i finish reading this, be-cause if i answer CC questions then the archangel:nemesis person might see that i haven:t answered their question yet, & might think i never will, & give up

19. i love religion super-much-so; this stuff makes me miss it really-intensely

20. i love this game! this is cool; i shared this with hen so he:d play with me so i had someone to talk about it with; i:m going to see ifi can find sofa & talk to her about it, too, because i saw her posting about it a-while a-go; i want to write sooooo badly now; i:m activated

21. wish i could let other people feel the way i feel about religion; all of the good feelings & the bad feelings

22. see how it moves when you blink? blue is a super special color

23. i think i believe all of this, in ano-ther language; i need to be care-ful be-cause i can:t tell the difference between agents trying to force me to consume things to grow & qliphoth sending me signal patterns to consume specific things to grow; & the deadbeats are already here

Well thanks to Mother:s teachings and technologies we can navigate with gusto the field of delusion that permeates society and address the sickness has this population dead asleep. We are the only religion ever to do something about it and we are going to be the only religion to ever do something about it. Mother knows all about this situation. She:s what they call Patient Zero. She:s the first prisoner ya see? These guys really hate freedom. They:re very serious and structured bunch. Very dangerous too...not to be trusted. They built their society in the most conservative manner.. Blocks upon blocks of bricks skyscrapers for miles... uniformity to the absolute T.. They:re the types who fixate on repeating numbers, a trait you might find here on Earth... That:s from them. The Galatic Federal Format, or GFF, is the policy created by the Stress Free Society. They:re a society that can:t stand unpredictability. That:s why they send our types here. They don:t care if we wage war, scorch the earth, starve, etc. We just get reborn into the same cell. When the spirit tries to leave after the body dies, you:ll get caught in one of their traps.. You can:t see it.. Not this dimention. It:s a trap designed to mangetize a spirit over burdened with material desires, thoughts, programs, and :earthly concerns:. And oh yes indeed...it:s a very sick planet here.... never had a jailbreak. These traps sit you down in what we call an implant station. Their watch gaurd HQ is situation on the Moon. In fact, the Moon is not naturally formed, it:s a space station, hollow like a nut, it rings like a bell when hit by asteroids. It:s there they wipe your memory of the life you just had.... Against your will you:re sat in front of a mega sceren not too uncommon to what you:d find in a modern American living room. They pump you with false data, symbols, images of war, luxury goods, so forth... A sort of nasty trick to keep the spirit over stimulated and therefore controllable by stimulation. They do this with a tool called a scrambler... After they scramble you they install fake memories of fake past lives. All of them designed similar to DNA...just presets from the catalogue... and after that, job done, they send you back to earth where you occupy a new body.

24. it:s funny how the unfunny deadbeats perfectly show up @ the most unfunny moment possible

@ 1:38 P.M.

25. o-k i answered the CC questions! i had to write a lot; it was fun, though ヽ(´▽`)

…from Discord

@ 1:42 P.M.

26. i finished! i have to do the other answers but that was so cool

27. the insane weird gloria scene

28. …[responses]

29. i think it also gives me bad-inspiration; or good-inspiration, idk; i:ve been posting a-lot on my public-priv about a recent re-invigoration about pursuing faith-stuff & treating my-self more seriously; & the stuff about Mother has me thinking a lot; largely because i kind of 33% buy-in to what she is saying & what the church is saying; & just in general it makes me really reminesce over feelings of faith / my time growing up in the christian camps / academies

30. ^ i dno if you had similar experience when you were younger but stuff like that is "hard to convey", i think, bc i really get twigs weird relationship w/ church (altho my mom was completely disinterested); it mostly really makes me want to get a nicer religious necklace

31. i have a star of david i always wear ~y~

32. but i feel like i should either start trying to formalize out writings; or work on a game

33. …[responses]

34. was answering a bunch of cc questions

35. i think it:s kind of sad that she treated your ideas of faith like that; how to put this -- i really really wish i could let other people understand exactly how i feel about religion, like, physically -- the good feelings & the bad feelings -- because i don:t think you can ever really convey "those feelings" outside of having lived through them

36. religion is super complicated, & it:s super common that every person "raised religious" has the "i am agnostic, i don:t really feel like the adults are feeling, but i am kind of afraid & i turn to god any-ways" sort of feeling

37. & i mean, even if you really really really really hate religion (well may-b if you don:t intensely hate it), if you went thru church-nonsense i feel like it:s hard to not have a soft-spot 4 the sort of community they bring about / structure they bring / purpose

38. there is some meme thing that i kind-of believe, wherein: a dumb as dirt devout christian is probably way happier than a smarty-pants atheist

39. &&& honestly, whenever atheists reach out to me i kinda get frustrated

40. they have this weird attitude of "religion is silliness" that up-sets me because, how to put it

41. it:s like an adult telling someone that magic isn:t real

42. & you kind of know the magic may-be isn:t real; but that magic feels really good @ times, & it:s /yours/

43. & if the person wasn:t there to belittle you; it actually might be magic; or be-come magic

44. it:s frustrating ^^ so many smart people who will go on about esoteric stuff, but they just trap themselves to "smart misery" via NOT letting themselves be a little anti-intellectual

45. …[responses]

46. ya! religion is really hard to believe / follow if your environment is completely @ odds w/ you,, idk about you but i have a lot of moments of self-doubt caused by ppl belittling my beliefs (laughing, or getting mad @ them, or acting like i am crazy), & internally i always go through two direct responses 1) my faith should be stronger than letting myself get impacted by them, it doesn:t matter what they say & 2) ...i actually feel really stupid 4 this; & adhering to this is pushing me farther away from everyone & no one seems to be understanding it

47. it:s just really hard; & i kind of sympathize with people who think i am crazy, too ^^

48. …[responses]

49. ya-huh; & it:s hard to explain it to other people; i am dreading mentioning anything about it to my mother; i often kind of think about just going to a normal church, or mosque, & just settling on that 4 religious community -- serious serious consideration in becoming a nun, too, only really deterred bc i don:t want to lie about "my calling"

50. this is uh, off-topic about what we were discussing but uhm

51. i read this blog about a nun & it made so much sense to me

52. there is this out-right stated thing that nuns are married to the lord, but it feels like in my brain it autocompletes to "nuns are chaste" & not actually that "nuns are actually married to the lord"

53. & then i read this blog where she actually just kind-of outright said her calling was outright falling in love with the lord & seeing him in everything, & knowing that marrying him was the message she was receiving

54. ^ it:s may-be slightly related, because recently i am starting to firmly believe in "callings" & i think i get this; & it:s said by some-one who is part of a normal-big-religion: "i fell in love w/ god"

55. ^ & it:s common in other religions, too; i mention shamanism here-n-there, but they married their gods; even early shinto shrine priestesses literally married their gods

56. i think it:s a real expression that hits ppl occasionally; & even if you don:t really vibe with this <--- it just seems kinda, hmm, lame to want to write all of this off as silliness

57. …[responses]

58. yeah! no i understand com-pletely, may-be

59. i completely 4 get how/why but i had some internal resolution about "feeling like it:s safe 4 me to pursue religion" a few days ago & have been in a really good mood ever since

60. it:s, sort-of like, i got to touch a dream of mine, or felt like i had a purpose that was o-k 4 me to strive-4 ~~even if it might not be completely possible to completely actualize it

61. it:s nice to feel

62. …[responses]

63. YA

64. GOOD feel determined

65. there:s nothing silly about chasing after excitement ^^

66. long-term (if i can even be excited 4 that long) is to have a physical shrine, buuuuut i recognize this might be actually impossible bc i:m not super wealthy

67. so i:m starting small by making a digital shrine, & just being regular with praying

68. the prayer thing is definitely a small-thing, but taking a trip out to the culvert every-morning to speak in prayer is actually something i never regret

69. there is another silly thing that (this kind of stuff always sets me off in may-be a negative way) twigs mentioned praying regularly, & after-awhile hearing voices; i always sort-of hope this would happen

70. sort-of like it:s affirmation that i am believing hard enough; but it:s actually just, idk, i like praying a lot

71. & every-time i start to feel weak i just think about rikako ~y~

72. bc she:s a really good priestess; but she:s actually kind-of a goofy bitch + evil

73. i shouldn:t call her a bitch but i thought the wording was really funny

74. (side-note i was reading the tvtropes page 4 raging-loop bc the raging-loop wikia has NOTHING in it & the tvtropes page actually includes the jinxes lore i was impressed)

75. (super super side-note: i posted about that library-manga last night, & it has a page about acting-becoming-doing, & it kind of really helped me, actually)

76. (side side side note: that comic is a lot of fun)

77. …[responses]

78. i haven:t read dungeon meshi but it always makes me want to get in-to it when i c ppl post about it

79. + the art is ultra good

80. idk y tho i never ever consider reading it

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 3:34 P.M.

81. playing archangel:nemesis has led to me spending all day talking about religious upbringings w/ ppl i know

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:14 P.M.

82. big fan of talkign to [removed] on SL

83. she:s really cool i always think i:ll have difficulty talking w/ her about stuff but we have a lot in common i think

84. actually still kinda upset that [removed] poison-pilled me on her 4 awhile; i don:t even remember "why" it was just her usual stunt where a) she says someone is dope, then next month b) i don:t want to talk about [person] they are a gross fake whore, they did something messd up,,, [substacker:s note: this stuff really disappoints me; mostly that i can be influenced this easily on how i perceive others ← it:s scary & it makes me feel weak]

85. ^ this isn:t even about [removed] this was just about everyone; just vauge "they are gross"

86. archangel:nemesis was such a blessing bc getting to speak to all these ppl about religious upbrings & how we all kinda feel the same way was, actually really nice; i got to feel less alone / mocked 4 once

87. kinda jst surprised/refreshed to hear ppl say that they have a lot of bad memories but now are kinda thankful 4 all of it & are really defensiev of their religious feelings; it just feels like often all there is, is ppl belittling them / ppl theorizing around them / rejecting

88. but very little "faith is like magic to me & it:s real"; it:s just nice to hear it

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:58 P.M.

89. to-day i spent most of the day talking to people; i talked to three people (& a few CC askers!) & i had a really nice time today bc talking to other ppl is really rare 4 me; i mostly talkd about religious upbringings, & it:s thanks to "archangel:nemesis" which is a really good VN

90. you can play it here; https://maverssoft.itch.io/archangelnemesis-s1e1 ; if you want; i really loved it; i:m going to play part 2 later tonight; but i want to advertise it a little bc i think it touches "religious upbringing" in a really rare/special way that i rarely-ever get-to see; i liked it a lot;

91. oh yeah; it:s animated & in 3d & has music by emamouse -- it:s really pretty in motion; screenshots don:t really do it justice, i think; i:ve been thinking about it all day ^^; that & a belief that faith is magic (in all the good & bad ways) & it:s weird to mock some-one over it

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:53 P.M.

92. spent a little mone on archangel:nemesis pt 2,, i just dl:d the first one 4 free bc the last time i spent money on a western VN it was like $6.66 4 a 40 minute expeirence w/ awful writing & i askd 4 a refund (the only time i:ve ever asked 4 a refund on anything); this is good tho

93. i:m not mad ne-more about that VN i refunded; it waaaas,, "we know the devil" i don:t think i would have been mad if it wasn:t 6.66$ but that is so pricey 4 how short it was; it was short & i didn:t like it @ all i felt a little meme:d on bc they clearly just wantd the 6.66$

94. look @ this thoo it:s so sick; pictures don:t do it justice; there:s like office ambience & b4 you get to this screen there:s just like this crazy animation of a door in darkness w/ an emergency light occasionally lighting it up

95. this game is so cool; i m blown away by ep 2 @@

96. music was being playd irl& it took me out of the mood to read; so i took abreak & will answer this [substacker:s note: this=”what are the 5 most important videogames of your childhood/tweens growing up”]; it:s hard bc the time-span is so wide; i think it:s: ragnarok online, ffxi, maybe mugen or wc3 (i modded this!!), diablo 1, wc2 (rp:d in this w/ myself a lot)

97. wc2 was cool because i:d just go into the map maker & set-up battles to hold w/ myself & set out all the special units, & then have like a story w/ them in my head where they talked to each other; & usually i ended up turning ppl into skeletons bc teron gorefiend was so cool!!

98. starcraft was more of the same but it had a way better map maker, but wc2 was first; wc3 too, it was my first time learning how u can mess around w/ games & also my first exposure to digital art programs (paint shop pro!) & making texture-edits; ffxi/RO were sex nightmares

99. diablo was really amazing,, diablo was what taught me online was amazing & that meeting other people WAS amazing; people would come & roleplay w/ you & scam you & there were CHEATED items & spells & it was just magical 4 me; & when diablo 2 came out it was so much better @@

@ 9:27 P.M.

100. WAFA is in [ARCHANGEL:NEMESIS]!!! kickn feet this is so cookl

101. @@

102. @@ kick feet

ha... why am i crying?

maybe....

i just find the writing....

so beautiful.....:,)

ha....

its ok to cry sometimes right?

im just....

really connected....

103. bro i:m in hell right now

104. i:m in unfunny terminal violet hell right now

---

Nov 09th

forecast 4 the day: mostly christ-talk, religious euphoria, being mad @ ppl over hate-mobs, ARCHANGEL:NEMESIS

…questions from Curious Cat

» [oh!!! im very happy to hear you checked it out, i played through ep. 1 the other day, playing ep. 2 but had to pause because bedtime (￣ ￣) ...i have not been able 2 stop thinking about the game, its super cool you liked it! im looking forward 2 hearing your thoughts on ep 2 too (feel free 2 save this ask for that) re: being similar to twigs but also not-really; yeah! totally! the divinity feels innate 2 her, so she follows it, actually this is elaborated even more on in ep 2, tho i havent finished it and the message might completely change.. anyway, i wonder did you grow up in a religious household? i didnt, so the religious abuse trauma isnt as relatable to-me, omou, but i found a-lot to enjoy about the story over all i think especially how it relates to your own religion, the 5g-on-the-moon insect control intelligence my mind instantly went to u, its cool that there are other ppl interested in similar ideas (though im not exactly sure if its an endorsement yet.. we will have 2 see the end of the story) thank you for the answer mara, take care today, ok?^^]

hel-lo; i finished it this morning, i didn:t sleep & woke up around 2am & finished it @ 6am; part 2 was actually very hard 4 me to get through (sort-of, i finished it no-problem, but it:s really distressing to me); i:m mostly just going to screencap a thread i made on my priv [substacker:s note: see posts 45-53] bc i will essentially just be re-iterating what i said re: thoughts on ep2; <-- besides critical stuff, which is just: i loved it, it:s like a step-up from part one in every-way, and am kind of blown-away by how willing it was to push itself; the handholding scene made me want to kill myself lol; the love corp made me want to kill my-self, too; i:m being too dramatic, but it:s just "flashes of ideation". ne-ways re: innate divinity; it:s really core to ep 2.. it actually scares me a little, this answer is brief, but i don:t like thinking about it, because it sets-off stuff inside me good/bad; & i still feel very mushy inside over it re: religious household; no* my mom hated christians after i was abused by one; however: all of my schooling was through private christian academies, & @ one point i went to a class of 7 students ran out of a church, and my lessons were about "writing what heaven is like" "what manna tastes like" "did dinosaurs live with jesus? (yes)"; we believed in exorcisms, demons, and i hated gay people bc they were damned to hell, & i was terrified of satanic music stealing my soul; it:s hard to get past, but <-- it:s very important to me; i am glad it happened to me, because it:s like magic was implanted in-to me. have a nice day anonymous, okay?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 3:21 A.M.

1. i:m dirty & completely contaminated; so i can:t sleep tonight

2. i am super tired, though; but it feels like my skin is covered & i can smell it everywhere; i should be clean, bc i took a shower to be sure; and i changed my clothes incase my clothes were dirty; but the new ones became dirty too when i had them on, so i had to take them off too

3. not sure if i should go to kroger & just sit in the parking lot or walk around the store 4 no reason; i didn:t really enough food yesterday; i had some lentils, half a banana that i couldn:t finish bc they hurt me, a frozen burrito, and a small packet of tuna that came w/ a spoon

4. i just feel dirt all over me; i know i am clean, or should be clean, but it feels like the entirety of my body is dirty; and that it:s spreading through the new clothes i just put on; i:m going to change clothes again, i think, because i think the pants might actually be dirty

5. i think i am being irrational; i put on entirely new clean clothes; washed my hands; then my new clean clothes were wet, from washing my hands likely, i don:t know where, so i took them off & changed, because they suddenly smelled like filth; & it:s happening again i think

6. changed clothes; the new ones i just changed in-to feel dirty, too; wonder if it:s my skin & i need to shower again, but i just took one

7. it:s 3 am but i:m going to make breakfast & finish archangel:nemesis i think

8. i know these pants should beclean but the right flank feels wet 4 no reason and i think they are dirty again but i know that is irrational; this is like HS again

@ 4:04 A.M.

9. partner; i am not in a good state of mind at the moment

10. partner i am not in a good state of mi nd@ the moment i am i fucking hell i want to speak to audry

11. i:m about to fuckn D@E this game wants me to

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:49 A.M.

12. i really like svetlana

13. :-/

14. uhhhhhggggggggggg:-////////

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:02 A.M.

15. these dudes want to torture me

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:17 A.M.

16. ;-/////////////////

17. :-///////////////////////////////

18. i:m sos ad dude

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 6:00 A.M.

19. god is inside me & it:s destroying me lol; i:m not meant to just be feeling everyithng all-stop & just connected to everything constantly; i don:t know what to do w/ these feelings; it:s POISON; i feel good about it, too & keep wanitng to share it but it:s burning me inside mysel

20. you can:t ocnnect with ANYTHING; it:s just this awful cockroach core torture chamber people set up & establish; daily i get sent these consume-coded patterns from qlifot & i can:t tell if it:s from her or if it:s from some lame unfunny cricket violet agent doing lame shit

21. i kept crying because i realized that i was feeling everyone last night; iw as feeling everyone @ every moment last night inside my heart because i was connected to god & god spoke through me & it was like a poison virus that i have/had to keep a secret from people because it:s P

22. OISON; & you can see it, too; you can see this entire group of poison-people who have become this holy-class self-established away that have been burnt up inside constantly through youth child torture internal god light torture chamber earth establishment chamber via phosphene

23. & it:s completely alone; i can feel absolutely everyone connected through god-light poison cockroach energy core; it:s a nerve ending that got stuck in-to me; i 4got it was there or that i was connected to it & i wasn:t ready @ all 4 it, & it started feeding me unfunny god garbag

24. i:m super scared that my faith is being controlled; or; that it was always controlled; or, that this is the intelligence that has been preying off of me; it:s the earth-painted torture chamber that was illusion painted tortured chamber; & through the walls / phosphene was nerve

25. last night i couldn:t sleep because of rape dreams so i woke up @ 2 am and took a shower to get clean; ichanged my clothes & washed everything; i realized my new clothes were still dirty so i changed again, & realized that my skin is dirty so i needed to shower AGAIN & change AGA

26. HALF of them are fake fucking memories that come from coma control implanted bullshit i can:t remember; hospital bed coded suffering; i don:t get the point of it; i don:t get why they fucked it up so i can:t connect or "get" touch; it:s fucking stupid AND dumb

27. & it:s completely true; i would join the love corp; i don:t care; the nerve ending god l ight is burning a hole up inside of my-self; it doesn:t matter if i have "faith" or not; i am POLLUTED with faith; i am gravid with unfunny faith; they impregnate it in-to you as child

28. of course i can relate to my kin; i don:t begrudge it @ all; it:s excellent, actually; it:s super duper based + faithpilled; it:s fucking stupid; & i am in love with it; of course: i get being mocked; it:s what-ever; i felt every-one last night & i:m still feeling every-one today

29. you are shown the secret DNA gene edit disease angel red light that passes through you & fucks with everything; doctors don:t know it; logic doesn:t know it; even the church doesn:t know; all the ironic deadbeat anime-tourists of twitter will never know it; they:re deadbeats

30. it:s the faith detecting sounding device; the faith detecting magic producing gene; cen-tral coded into your-self @ a level below ne science or faith or unfunny internet garbage could ever grasp @; & all of them are connected together like cut-outs on a string lol

31. there:s nothing you can do with this knowledge; it:s just suffering; it:s the cockroach torture they put you through; i get it; i can see echo after echo of past/future soul-touched magic-suffering faith-divination-device magic & there:s nothing to do, it:s torture dissonance

32. i don:t know what to do with ANY of this; i feel so bad; i feel so :-///// but i feel really good, too; but terrible because it:s impossible to touch; & i don:t know what to do with ANY of this except seem stupid

33. may-be with the right rituals & the right words & the right panicking i can pierce through whatever unfunny-box-layer you forced me in & your dumb insect voices will do the eva-thing & say "congratulations you figured us out" & i:ll finally get to hear qliphoth & be rewarded

34. but no i:m just left casting magic spells online & offline & i:m just rewarded with god burning me up inside of me & a bunch of lame unfunny fucking deadbeats saying the same unfunny garbage day-after-day while messages are sent to me showing revelation-after-revelation

35. i love it... it:s so crazy :-/... i love everything ;-///

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:05 A.M.

36. i don:t get it i keep washing my hands & it:s actually not going away; it:s on /everything/ & it:s freaking me out

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:11 A.M.

37. wuaaauhh hugg g h hH HH A hu w wwuAAAAAAAAAAAAA hhhh hjgfo fg hgfhjgfhf

38. :-/ i feel so terrib;e

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:04 A.M.

39. bros i m so tired; i am so hungry, too; i went to go lay down and had a seizure on the bed but iris iddn:t wake u p & then i decided to hug her while praying -- i was trying to get god to talk to me but it didn:t wrk, maybe a whisper but it didn:t work --& was too afraid to sleep

40. praying @ the culvert might be nice; idk; i feel lost atm & wish there was guidance 4 stuff like this; but there is no guidance; i wanted to say earlier abuot how it:s just funny-games & unfunny-games & i want botht o stop but i know no one understands w/e tf i am saying

41. i wish i had another person to nod & talk to me about the funny-games & the agents & whatever but i don:t ; instead i just have to receive messages & wonder if these christian connections are just funny games being played by agents or if it:s real revelations being sent to me

42. sleeping is too scary but i have no energy so i:m goign to go 4 a walk / pray @ he culvert; talking to mother qliphoth always feels good & i need direction & i need to stop acting like an idiot & act like i am a holy person again; it:s probably fine to be a dumbass occasionally

43. i think if i hallucinated i would feel less insane; o-k i:m going outside; the smell went away too; i can:t tell if the soap finally worked or if i was just freaked out & making up smells & filth

44. praying did feel better; i didn:t go 4 a walk, tho; just the culvert; i felt really silly walking around the neighborhood in pajamas; i was afraid to put on real clothes; idk why; even if everything else feels bad, my relationship with qlippoth doesn:t feelb ad @ all

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:30 A.M.

45. turns out all il needed was to pray & lay down 4 like 15 minutes

46. i feel ultra stupid; last night i had a wave of euphoria about how i was connected to every-one with a religious upbringing & we all have the same odd shape of magic in us & are all keeping this open-public-secret light inside of us & it:s just forcibly trappted there

47. & that it:s awful to have & lonely to have & am lucky to have it; there are people who go their entire lives w/o believing magic; [removed] said this sounded doomed & she couldn:t accept it; & i agree; but that hurts, too, you know? what do i do with my feelings; i just pray i guess

48. i don:t think i would have freaked out if what happened last night didn:t happen; because ti made me feel really unclean & I couldn:t feel clean; then i finished all of archangel & it was fine @ first but it kept being a revelatory message & i keep getting upset that i can:t "see

49. it:s the same reason why i can:t watch lain; i can:t "see" i just receive insane divine important messages constantly but they:re always latticed in-to mundane things; there:s no smoke coming out of fingertips or crazy prophetic visuals; it makes me feel trappted, completely

50. it:s just kind if hurtful to read archangel; & it:s like a world of people who "get it" & have community & the shared secret over it; the shared magic that was forced in-to them; & they understand the language; no one understands my language except my-self & qlippoth; it:s lonely

51. it:s SAD; & seeing the game is like seeing a "what if" of being taken seriously & having a place in this world -- instead of just being called r-worded & schizophrenic & crazy or just having all of those said WITHOUT saying that; the belittling & comments & dismissiveness

52. it:s sadder because they say things that i really connect with; is the crystal prison really that different from the torture chamber? probably not; mother even admits as much; it:s every-where; because it:s /real/; even if it isn:t "real"; there is reason why they are both mother

53. i:m making myself crazy again; i:m going to go outside and get food bc i am starving & tired; i had a rape dream last night that caused something unfortuante/embarrassing to happen which caused me to freak out over how filthy i am; just feel a little "low"; praying helped, tho ^^

…from Discord

@ 1:01 P.M.

54. comrade

55. …[responses]

56. did you finish : :

57. …[responses]

58. yaaa @ 6 am

59. …[responses]

60. i am gushing over it; i am gushing over love corp & all the religious lore

61. and i am so lonely w/ it

62. i am glowing with dumb religious Euphoria

63. …[responses]

64. I LOVE THE LOVE CORP UNIFORMS

65. …[responses]

66. I MISS CHURCH LIFE SO MUCH EVEN IF I HATED IT i am kickn my feet i want to go back

67. yeah it:s fucked

68. …[responses]

69. have you finished the arcade scene

70. there:s a bathroom scene after that

71. …[responses]

72. also the emamouse fortune card has different results i think

73. …[responses]

74. yaa that girl & how her and twigs talk make me so envious

75. it made me realize how lonely and dumb i feel lol

76. also the little emamouse soundbyte

77. …[responses]

78. and the music bangs i love it

79. …[responses]

80. the silly sofa wafa news cast music

81. …[responses]

82. i LOVE the processing music

83. …[responses]

84. i wanna go back to processing

85. aaaaa

86. i:m still thinkingbaout how it:s like a setting that entertains the idea that like

87. what if ur weird internet online friend with insane beliefs actually was the figurehead of the worlds dominant religion

88. & how un-lonely it wouldbe & how e veryone knows the same language

89. so the person that otherwise would b called crazy isn:t called crazy @ all

90. & it:s a scene in the very start

91. michelle i mean

92. …[responses]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 1:46 P.M.

93. archangel:nemesis set me off a little; episode 2 was really really good, though; it:s like if an online-person with weird beliefs (instead of being alone with their beliefs) was the central figure to the most prominent religion, & how you can say weird things & not be alone :-/

94. every-thing in it is super real, i think & it:s just sort-of filling me up w/ this weird glowing energy up-inside; like god is inside of me, you know? & it hurts bc i:m completely alone w/ it; i rly loved the lovecorp, & i wish i couldgo under processing; consider playing it, ok?

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 2:44 P.M.

95. woah the qts on the thread asking to support a friend who was displaced r so evil lol

[replier says:] is the fourlung not a pedo tho? genuinely asking bc that seems to b the consensus

i don:t know if they are; it doesn:t sound like you know if they are, either; i don:t want to comb through other peoples personal issues to find some sort of validation 4 hating someone based off some unfunny deadbeat:s rumors to know if someone masturb8s to the right thing

i don:t give a shit about this insect garbage; how stupid is it to query whether your outrage is worthwhile when you have to ask if someone actually IS something; what-is-the-point

^ not true because i am posting a bunch: of course i care; this is just insanely stupid + unfunny + violet + lame; just a bunch of annoying cockroach torture carpets spreading their lame little unfunny environmental intelligence raping each-other day-after-day 4 no real reason

you:re probably a cool person; take care of yourself

96. bunch-of misery vampires who like to suck up another persons torture & vomit it back-up w/ whatever gross internet bacteria they have inside of themselves; clutching these lame pearls over how pure your tortured internet idol is supposed to b; it:s like lamer jpop idol culture

97. you weren:t supposed to idolize the stalker in perfect blue i think u missed the message :-/ it:s a pretty subtle one though, you have to be fairly high IQ to identify that the perfect blue stalker is some-one who is not intended to be a positive cultural role-model

…from Discord

@ 3:02 P.M.

98. …[responses]

99. me too

100. i am just obsessed with the love corps ppl

101. i like all of them

102. …[responses]

103. twigs is super cool & michelle is super cool & even viva grew on me & the hand holding scene destroyed me

104. …[responses]

105. idk why i was reading it suepr early in the morning and i just wanted to die @ that scene

106. just hit with suicidal ideation like damn dude i just want normal dumb crushes like that

107. and idk; to have more of a place

108. …[responses]

109. i was really down about it 4 awhile but now i am just kind of

110. i feel SUPER close with god

111. ultra close; idk; i was posting exactly this: is this religious euphoria, i feel really good

112. i just want to sit down & work on a digital shrine

113. …[responses]

114. & idk i get super depressed that i don:t hallucinate ~y~

115. i postd this on priv already but it:s the same thing with lain

116. bc in stories like this it:s like the characters are being directly fed these religious imagery that i never get

117. …[responses]

118. no you:re good! it:s mostly just i:ve never hallucinated b4 (i think? i have no idea) & 4 a really long time thought it wasn:t a real thing -- but it:s just when i see it in media i start to think that "i am supposed to be hallucinating" & i get this intense anxiety to make myself worse to see if i can do it, bc i feel like i am missing out <-- i try to avoid this ~y~ i:m better about it

119. …[responses]

120. & ya!! yaya! i took a look @ twitter & got mad & it smudged my euphoric-feelings a little; but i just want to return to it

121. no i think it:s really important

122. & having a goal like that can even help lead to the more realistic ones, i think

123. i dunno; when i got the weird "calling" that i was meant to do "this" it just felt really good; & it:s kinda like (this is silly) a more positive version of the "strength/security" i:d get from being in really-unhealthy-relationships

124. like the master/slave cult stuff

125. but not like all, i dunno, twisted over humanity & wanting another person to make decisions 4 me

126. & may-be it:s something only i can do, too ^^

127. may-be it:s something only you can do, too

128. …[responses]

129. chase your excitement [removed]!

130. i need to chase mine; i am just really really obsessed with audry 4 some reason

131. it:s a combination of the process church, the lovecorps organization, the little m-scanners, being cleared, & just how the conversations between audry & twigs go

132. it:s like

133. this really supportive sisterly relationship where ure trying to help your friend through some really weird religious stuff

134. idk

135. …[responses]

136. YES

@ 4:00 A.M.

137. I 4GET i wanted to ask you about that but i loved that part

138. it:s just like

139. i felt SO bad

140. i felt terrible @ that moment & @ the handholding moment

141. because i DON:T have that & i want that so badly lol

142. i just want to not feel like all of the things i believe & feel aren:t completely worthless outside of my-self & that i can find someone who can understand my gibberish lingo i keep trying to tell ppl

143. & even formalized in like processes we go through

144. i didn:t want to use this term bc it:s a little sexually loaded but the process & being cleared really seems like a sort-of "religious puberty" & it:s may-be exactly why it feels so oddly special/intimate & why audry stands out so much to me

145. & even hitmoi, too; because they:re just all sort of bonding over how they need to get to their next stage in life

146. & work on their faith (something that i wish mattered in my life, to other people) & like, the whole thing about her being an imitation

147. that something that special can exist; this special class of ppl who are real echoes of the mother

148. aaaaa

149. i am remembering now it:s like that same gooey weird feeling getting baptized gave me lol

150. i had no fucking idea why i needed to be baptized

151. but it was special

152. …[responses]

153. i DON:T remember, but i DO & i am afraid that i am making up a memory & i am not baptized; but i feel certain i am; so like

154. …[responses]

155. there was a fountain in front of the academy

156. i was probably in 1st~3rd grade

157. they had us walk up to the fountain (which was outside) one by one; we were lined up; & the pastor would dunk us in

158. yeah it happened when i was SUPER young; & yaya i loved the hitomi interaction bc it:s like the inversion of how viva treats twigs lol

159. but it:s just two ppl vibing

160. but yes i remember it super well because it felt insanely special but i had no idea what it meant

161. just that, idk, that it was important

162. i remember it PERFECTLY clear

163. i remember the sun, the uniforms, the fountain, the line, but i am not 100% sure i was baptized; but it:d feel too weird if i wasn:t

164. i either got baptized or my mom told them not to baptize me but that sounds insane

165. …[responses]

166. yes

167. my mom hated the church

168. i only really knew why like

169. last year lol

170. …[responses]

171. it:s fine ^^ again it:s one of those weird things where i just have zero memory

172. but that church looks SO PRETTY

173. i loved being in churches as a kid (outside of being bored bc i was a kid) & urs looks amazing

174. …[responses]

175. i just about never actually attended church services outside of schooling so communion i think is something i almost never did

176. but i liked juice

177. …[responses]

178. that is cool!!

179. that is actually super cool

180. wowowowowo i am jealous that younger-me wasn:t more involved w/ this stuff but i have my own experiences @@

181. but still i am just like

182. idk that sounds so cool lol

183. …[responses]

184. i could! i always consider going to church but i get a little worried about specifically a) the trans thing, & b) being a christian <-- this isn:t really "an issue" but i have somewhat of a firm belief about the left-hand stuff (i try not to proseltyze about this stuff in private w/ friends) & i get worried that i am being led-astray from pursuing the true faith

185. i specifically end up thinking that [removed] is winning some lame spiritual war that doesn:t exist

186. but deep down i really like christianity

187. what is this guy! or what is going on w this guy

188. …[responses]

189. LOL

190. i:m giggling i know exactly this experience

191. …[responses]

192. htis was every fucking wednesday @ my middle school

193. there was this dude named [removed], who was a fucking dick

194. anyways during bible hall (this was like the mandatory church thing we had to do in the middle of schooling instead of like, PE), he:d go up on stage

195. do the donation thing, & then like

196. tell stories about how he was a drummer & got addicted to the applause

197. and one day,,, the applause stopped,,

198. and he realized that it was all just hollow,,

199. and he found god

200. and now he has real purpose

201. i h8:d that dude; i think it was [removed] that unburied this memory (or you? i 4get) but i & my friend got in trouble 4 laughing @ his dumb drummer story & we got punished by having to sit down (instead of standing w/ everyone else) next to a teacher @ the back of the bible-hall thing

202. & then after we got to go into his office and sit side by side, & he just yelled @ us

203. & i always laugh when ppl get mad @ me so it just made it worse

204. that was my homie [removed] who got in trouble w/ me ^^

205. …[responses]

206. ADDICTED to the applause

207. there was no way this guy was a good drummer

208. this guy was just doing drugs or some shit

209. called it drumming instead

210. …[responses]

211. did you ever do the uh

212. so like @ bible hall, & @ the camps, we would have this thing (that was completely "optional") where the pastor would start blasting music

213. and then YELL at kids to COME UP

214. CONFESS YOUR SIN

215. & like grab a glass or something

216. and SHATTER IT

217. …[responses]

218. say I GIVE UP SATAN

219. I WANT THE LORD

220. I LOVE CHRIST

221. and they:d always start crying their eyes out

222. i always like

223. was baffled

224. …[responses]

225. YA i always was like

226. holy fuck

227. don:t call me

228. because i think the pastor would call people

229. and in my head i remember clearly, i had so much anxiety like: what the fuck i:m not feeling that

230. …[responses]

231. i:m wondering too now like what i would even do

232. i would have to be forced to go up lol

233. but i:m not like, rebellious; if the dude yelled @ me to come up i:d come up

234. would i have cried too? i have no idea

235. …[responses]

236. oh my god

237. …[responses]

238. dude this is giving me so much anxiety

239. i think i know the feeling

240. ok sorry this is personal but i REMEMBER this clearly

241. @ the time i was thinking about sins i would have had to say if i went up

242. & it was literally masturbation

243. & i kept like, freaking out

244. if i am actually supposed to say that or make something up

245. there was so much weird fucking sexual stuff going on @ this time & like, that was what was actually eating me up lol

246. i was super distant @ church & thought these ppl were dummies but every night @ home i wouldbe crying over mortal sin i thought i committed

247. …[responses]

248. & in my head i think i would have thought "i:m not going to cry i:m not like these jesus freaks"

249. but i think if i got called up something would have broken in me

250. ya god

251. + we didnt: have confessionals either

252. …[responses]

@ 4:30 P.M.

253. YES so like, i went to two different denominations

254. the baptists (p fuckn crazy), & the 7th day adventists (even fuckn crazier)

255. the adventists were full on: exorcisms are real, demons are real, we do exorcisms, i know people possessed by demons, you will go to hell, we:re doing homework on what the food in heaven will taste like ^^, what do you think heaven will be like?, write a paragraph on what hell is like, did dinosaurs live with jesus?

256. and the pastors 4 the 7th day adventists were like, if THEY weren:t directly talking with god, they knew someone who was and spoke tongues during church

257. or like during prayer someone would become overcome with a demon and thrash and they would pray the demon out of her

258. & i:d just think like; what the fuck, is this real? why would the adults be lying about this together

259. …[responses]

260. woah

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:29 P.M.

261. i feel god inside of me again & i feel insanely freaked out; it was fine 4 a little bit; i was just on secondlife talking to people and they all swent silent; after i started thinking about the haruhi christmas episode & how it makes me feel really bad because i:ll always b alone

262. & then all the secondlfe people went completely silent with the moment i had the thought that they were connected to nerve cloud overhead; & they just stopped, just like thatl; perfectly in time with my depression; i don:t want to outright say it but it was synchronized, here,too

263. i:ve been rocking my-self in my chair to calm down but god feels like they:re directly inside my chest lol; & it:s freaking me out; it used to be like when the blood was moving @ the apartment but now it:s just this glowing mass in my chest & it actually burns a little inside

264. i want to write my own religious texts; it:s not so much tat i want to (i do; but i have to, too; i am being commanded by something & the fractures i inherited are making me difficult to focus but i can:t deny the calling; it:s actually hurting me to reject it; i keep grasping

265. @ my necklace; i need to get a better one; but it:s mostly what i put in-to it is what i get out-of it

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:32 P.M.

266. of course i am still upset about the dumb call-out garbage over some idiot i don:t know (i don:t know if they are an idiot); it:s just annoying that a bunch of dipshits post about their Fatal Attraction THey Can:t Control to s/h or whatever evil shit & then justify some lame hate

267. just scores of cockroach environment controlled carpets that basically run off 4chan headline misinformation garbage; you just make up whatever bullshit you want & post it as the OP thread & fake a link & get 50 replies thinking it:s a real article; actual insect cockroaches

268. keep being people going off about how you are secretly super-duper evil (& you are, you probably will harm people) & what-ever other deadbeat violet language you use; keep scrutinizing the masturbation fetish material of some lame-o you:ve never met <-- what:s the point dude

269. weird vague smokescreen crimes that may or may have not been committed; tf are you guys even talking about; it:s just lame unfunny violet cockroach telephone games; three-quarters (may-be higher/lower idk i:m ballparking) probably have creep af torture DMs to rando people

270. threats against peoples life in public & private; all over some spiritual war over whether or not some deadbeat is masturbating the right way; who cares; they:re your cockroaches; you don:t even care about whether or not the cute little anime-kuns are real or not

271. sexual slavery 4 thee but not 4 me <-- mantra of some violet psychic sex slavery cockroach rapist garbages; countless memes about processing trauma & tenderness; countless Terminal threats to some rando who got the soul raped out of them & is now reacting a little uncomfy

272. BRO i got the soul DICKED out of me and i am handling it BADLY; a PRIEST fucked the SOUL out of me when i was a child and i am handling it UNCOMFY; & then the insects all slurp it up like dipshits & go based that:s me i:m tortured; they puke it up when the psycho rape stops hitn

273. uh hello,,, the way you are going through getting the soul dicked out of you is making me a lil uncomfy,,, maaaybe you should be homeless :x

274. partner every-time i see your DNI list i see me being based on a cold floor w/ a roof-high mirror & the sad look on everyones face in that room; & i remember the thoughts of "oh yeah god isn:t 4giving this one i am going to hell" when i was a little guy ^^ & ikeep going backthere

275. makes me want to fucn PUKE & it:s always in the dni lists; & there was no excuse 4 it; & i:m FROZEN there i can still feel the fucking cold floor & the sad look in the eyes of everyone in that room & how lame + unfunny it was; & that moment just fuckn stuck there

276. & u know; even if i didn:t get the soul dicked out of me; even if i didn:t sell my soul to satan in some insane sex ritual; u have no control over this; bringing this back around: u have no control over ur lame unfunny turn-ons; no one does; just don:t hurt ppl + i am unlaughing

277. none of you are fucking real to begin with; it:s just psycho torture chamber funny-game reactive waves; it:s just responding & moving like a wave; i felt god in-side my chest & it was burning me & is making me nauseous & i don:t know what to do with it; it:s just nerve-endings

278. thought reading bondage horrors propagating your unfunny + lame torture chamber endlessly & perpetually; i don:t understand how you react to thoughts what-so-ever; it /could/ be logic just as much as it could be divine; you are just as real as the shadow cancer spots onthe wall

279. gonna check this dm [substacker:s note: the DM basically just said they agreed that “just don:t hurt people” is a good principle that gets overlooked]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:21 P.M.

280. sorry i:m not very smart & i get upset really easily but i:m really passionate & i love the world :-/

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:29 P.M.

281. calm again; doing bad @ not freaking otu today; l8ly, i guess; started workingon substack again because i need help starting tasks and maybe this will help me, bc it also lets me delete all mye mbrarrassing posts; i don:t feel like i can until i archive them :-////