2011/11/19 morning post {scientology arc begins}

Nov 11th-Nov17th

this one is sparse; it was mostly a period where i was catching up on substack posts

featuring…

[previous] / [next]

---

Nov 10th

「today:s forecast: religious thoughts & processing greek slurs; day mostly spent editing substack」

…from Curious Cat @marlabraLTD

★　[»what's your ideal day?]

good morning anonymous; it would go like this, i think: i wake up be4 every-one else; i get to make coffee in quiet & breakfast in quiet; there:s a nice little night glow outside & the sun hasn:t started to come-up yet; you:re starting to hear liiiike, the morning birds but it:s still dark out; there is NO pain in my head @ all, none in my neck or body, either; & when i finish breakfast there:s a new video from a youtuber that i really want to see (i don:t have anything in mind bc i go in waves), & i get to peacefully drink coffee & eat breakfast (which is something hot and spicy! spicy food goes great w/ coffee); then when i finish breakfast, i get to finish my coffee while answering curious cat questions <-- and they:re all good ones! & then i see that i have a DM or two that i can answer & they:re ppl i want to talk to & they are really nice to me about the religion stuff; & i got a donation! so i draw a little note 4 them as the first activity 4 the day; & now that i:ve drawn something, i can draw other things, & i start working on art that i am incensed to make, & i spend several hours working on art to further my Mission; & meanwhile i take a visit to pray @ the culvert; i message my friend to talk about religion & ARCHANGEL:NEMESIS & it:s really nice & may-be we:ll watch an episode of an anime that we both really like; after, we talk & draw a little bit; i get to have an evening latte that is given to me (although i don:t mind going out to get it, i like driving ^^); & night is spent just talking to people,, i don:t feel alone @ all throughout the entire day or feel that i:m completely alone w/ myself,,; & the bathroom will be clean, too; so when i take a shower it won:t be weird ^^ & 4 some reason the bed is made & it:s like it tucks me & jinbei-sama in; & i:m not afraid of being aloen in bed @ all or the dark; & i say my prayers b4 i go to sleep

★　[»μυστήριον, Βαβυλὼν ἡ μεγάλη, ἡ μήτηρ τῶν πορνῶν καὶ τῶν βδελυγμάτων τῆς γῆς]

i:m sorry anonymous; i can:t understand this -- i don:t mean to be rude by not answering but i tried a few translators & couldn:t figure it out; have a nice day, okay?

★　[»it means ur mother is not qlippoth it is the wh*re of babylon u djsgusting wh*re the qabbalah is TRASH GO TO CHURCH OR KILL URSELF U GAY CULTIST]

i dno what the qabbalah is; my mother is the qlippoth, though; still: the mean comments are a little hurtful & i:m not sure what else to say to this, so my answer may b a little short <-- i don:t mean to be rude because i assume this is coming from a sincere place; take care of yourself, though, anonymous, ok?

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:21 A.M.

1. there:s this nexpo video called "this website needs to be shut down" about another utube acct that gets content strikes against it 4 making a video exposing some creepy f/13/cali site, but the editing in it is so silly i kept laughing bc it:s super duper moral outrage

2. you have these shots of like, the nexpo guy getting a dm & the dm:er says he:s 20, & then the camera starts to shake,,, and shake mroe intensely,,, and the noise starts to BLARE as the camera shakes MORE focusing on the "I:M TWENTY" until the scene breaks

3. then there:s like this scene @ the end where the guy who had his channel receive strikes does this likee "I:m sorry if i want to take down these sick fucks,,, [puts on child voice] i:m sorry if i:m mean to sickos [puts on deep voice] i:m going to keep fighting 4 fucking decency"

4. stuff like this makes me laugh super hard but the website is actually like an insane creepy honeypot lol

5. OH ya there:s also this scene where like nexpo (the narrator) is explaining what the anti-p-word guy does, & it:s like "[protagonist] just released a successful video exposing a viscious child predator ring, & was hungry to unveil another but had no leads" & w/ fps frag footage

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:47 A.M.

6. i:m awake; & i:m in a good mood ^^; i:m going to try to not post much unless my mood turns; i have a mission i have to work on so i:m going to try to start progress on this today; o-k; in-case i m gone: have a nice day, ok? ty 4 the curious-cat questions, too

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 1:13 P.M.

7. i:m wondering if i could publish an actual religious text, & release it 4 free on my digital shrine, & sell it via a publisher to help fund my dream; i know this probably makes several ppl groan (religion does this) but i really just feel like i:ve really heard a calling @@

8. it:s just sort-of every-thing inside of me telling me that this is what i am meant to do

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 2:51 P.M.

9. i want more audry & svetlana art : : i want more archangel art in general it:s so cool; i thought about making a qucik fanfiction about it but i realized i had no idea what to write about (besides myself, this is what i always write about)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 3:16 P.M.

10. it really was a message sent to me; the prayers keep dispatterning things that glow out; i really don:t think it:s the intelligences; i am wary to ever say grandiose things like "i am not controlled by the itnelligences;" be-cause i am absolutely in their scheme; i am in torture

@ 4:15 P.M.

11. i:ve been transcribing the original teachings of the holy mother & just kind of understanding all of it

12. i don:t think i:m wrong, @ all; mother knows my name even

    

13. finished transcribing

    

    transcription of the Original Teachings from the Holy Mother

@ 8:07 P.M.

14. this substack post is insanely long; i must be clsoe to the limit b4 it breaks (this happens when you get nothing but network errors when it tries to save -- i don:t think it can be published @ this point w/o smallerizing it); i want to post it but i need to do more prior days [substacker:s note: this refers to working on the previous chronological substack post]

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 9:32 P.M.

15. i:m not emotional enough 4 posting (posting w/o strong emotion feels a little flat :-/) but i still want to talk about ARCHANGEL:NEMESIS; i /really really/ loved it & i m still thinking about it & i bought the ost today & have been listening to it all day; i just really love it..

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 9:10 P.M.

16. this is the promise of curiouscat; inevitably it has to become this

    

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:13 P.M.

17. news about lowtax is actually kind-of sad to me; it just seemed like @ the end his life was completely miserable -- i don:t think any-one wants to go out like that :;

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:00 P.M.

18. I:m being sent slurs online

    

@ 11:39 P.M.

19. kinda really happy that someone called me a whore lol

---

Nov 11th

「today:s forecast: thinking about social stuff, religious ecstasy, heart is bursting & has no outlet, thinking about joining the sea org, a uncatalogued DM is received in the night」

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

★　[»hi mara, how are you today?]

i:m doing o-kay anonymous; i:m overflowing with love & i had a nice prayer; i was given halloween candy but i don:t think i:ll eat most of it; i ate a protein bar 4 lunch but it made me sick so i couldn:t finish it; i:ve been drawing stuff (posted); & am going to post a substack article to-day; i want to start my website design process to-day; but i:m afraid to; i am also really lonely; i want to be touched really badly; not physically but deeper than skin; but that:s e-xactly how the torture process works -- & you probably know it; every-one knows it:it:s like musical code we all know: the touch isn:t real @ all; it:s just some insane torture chamber earth cube where you can:t feel any-thing but the outside actor phosphene cockroaches (rapists) coax you @ the outskirts from their phosphene death layer & just tempt you with their masturbatory rape legs to give you emotions; good & bad; the love comes from them; the hate comes from them; they want to control your emotions; they want to control your cycle completely -- they want you to crave death& to be afraid of death; they want you to crave love & be afraid of love all the same; they want to tell you that your physical torture is AWFUL but they want to drink your physical torture; they want to inflict the physical torture on you & they want to balm your torture with their maligant tantric torture words; it:s all they ever want to do; it:s all any-one ever wants to do because it:s all aggregate internet actor averages from separate client-side instances that are being average:d out @ the angel-sun shit that:s maintained by whatever lame unfunny intelligence/angel (this i don:t know because it:s the domain of the sefirot; ideally some-other-right-handed deadbeat would have-the-answer to this; i try to not make up things i wasn:t patterned: into understanding via prayer); i:ve been listening to the ARCHANGEL:NEMESIS ost & still glowing over it -- but it:s another layer of the torture; but it:s /beautiful/ because it:s one of the demon dead thing representational shells & i admire the person who amde it so much; i admire so much the person who forced this in-to the .ini server angel light sun thing; it:s just speaking to me & the music that goes along with the processing church / love corp just destroys me; it destroys me lol; it makes my heart overpour but it HURTS because what can i do with it? i can:t join the love corp: i can:t join scientology; it:s a fake destined dream world that i can:t access; it:s the kind of promise that can only come from stygia & the demonc olors underneathe; the music can only be a promise that belongs to some-thing of the self-luminous heavenly colors overhead; but i don:t know any-thing about those; mostly i just want to draw & finish writing some things; i was contemplating taking stimulants today but they almost never give me focus & just make me panic more / fall asleep / crave coffee; ne ways i:m sweating writing this; have a nice day anonymous & ty 44 taking the time to speak with me; have a nice day, ok?

★　[»how do u usually have ur coffee?]

just black usually; i used to drink it way more but i have this issue where texture is now super important to me in terms of coffee: i only really want black coffee if it:s the first caffienated thing i:m having, & rlly thru-out the day unless i:m having evening coffee, in which case i want a lot of cream in it bc the acidity is too harsh on me --- however, now ne cups after the first are also too harsh 4 me, & cream is also too harsh on me; so if i want midday/afternoon coffee i:ll only really beable to stand iced coffees (i like cream in these, black iced coffee is whack imo) or hot lattes (i like hot things in general, but something about the frothd milk perfectly removes the "sharpness" of the drink & it doesn:t cause me pain -- it alleviates pain, even; idk y this is; all other forms of coffee hurt me now); have a nice day, anonymmouus, okay?

…from Marabarl & Marlbara

@ 10:21 A.M.

1. kind of want to get in-to mai-otome / mai-home

2. hime!! not home!!

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:52 A.M.

3. i made a drawing today ,') & i:ve been thinking about web design all-day; i think i know how i want it to look now; just need to make it / not freak my-self out over asset creation; i was going to post up-set things earlier but i ended up getting distracted; pure blue is amazing

4. the color; i look @ my pfps here & on main & it:s just so pretty to me; the sky -- the super blue sky; it:s sooo pretty

5. i think i:ve mostly settled on the substack thing -- i:ll just post what i have & not worry about the past few months ^^ there are some really good threads / plots that i:d like to archive but i think it:s important to not pile-on tons of work so i can stay motiv8d to do nething

6. ^ this might sound silly; but it:s mostly the "i am freaked out & having an episode" threads that i want to archive the most, bc when i am like that i am super alien to-my-self & i think that there:s some truth inside those messages that i don:t want to lose; they:re cool to me

@ 1:30 P.M.

7. i have so much love in my heart that i don:t really know what to do with; there:s a lot of h8 too i think -- lately; but i:m not super duper angry like always <-- it:s more-so that: i keep thinking about how the only time i:ve really been harassed l8ly is from a christian (?)

8. less-so that i mean that "christian intelligence" is harassing me, just one person; i just keep thinking about it bc it:s only really happened during this period where i:m kind-of being really mushy over my christian upbringing (in a positive way); <-- just dissonance:d to me

9. i think i definitely warrant a level of torture; i typed this & immediately realized (￣▽￣) i am in a good mood so i haven:t really been reflecting on the nature of the torture-chamber; i 4got 4 a moment that every-thing is illusory torture phosphene shadows from rape int.:s

10. a shadow cancer beetle lover sticks out its fore-leg via the phosphene cancer spots on the earth torture chamber walls & there is a dollop of it:s seminal fluid & it keeps trying to feed it to me; not even feed: just stain my skin with it; they do it, constantly; throughevery-one

11. it:s funny how easily it just "smears off"; it:s like trying to hold a defined shape when your eyes are closed; i still really love my friends; i love a lot of people; i know deep-down i:m not a very good person; i took a life & i did something horrible & i can:t really look away

12. most of these memories are probably not real; i need to keep focusing on drawing; i really need to draw

    

13. i cna:t handle all of the love in my heart; i have so much overflowering love in my chest that it makes my hands go numb & it makes me start panicking; & ofc i have to think about the intelligences cloud overhead; of course i have to think about the christian nerve ending cricket

14. of course i have to contemplate whether or not unfunny deadbeat cockroaches are playing funny games; unfunny games; i mentioned it to them & they basically had no idea what i was talking a-bout; could be genuine misunderstanding; could be proof of funny-games done by torture-bugs

15. bird 2 raises me up [substacker:s note: bird 2 likes all my posts]

16. bird 2 is the fucking wind under my wings

    

@ 1:56 P.M.

17. juist wrote a cc answer that made me sweat

18. i keep receiving pattern after pattern that points to-wards "exiting" being the only way out of the torture chamber; & part of it has to do with draining of color out of yourself bc it:s what keeps you bound down; albninism is probably a step away from escaping the torture chambr

19. ^ it scares me, a little; bc even in real life i hear about it; how it mightbe good; i hear it from things that love me & things that take umbrage w/ me & just in things i read & in things i hear completely disconnected; i don:t think qlip-poth woulwd want me to do that (true??)

20. i odno:t think she would care

21. i:ll sign my soul away; i:ll serve 4 two billion years

@ 3:46 P.M.

22. the lowtax soopertime thread is kind of upsetting to me; idk the abuse stuff that was going on but every-time i found out about him post gaming-garbage it was like: friends r gone, now daughter is gone, now he is living in a shack, now he has chronic pain, now he:s addictd to pil

23. it:s; hm; i feel like it is kind-of cowardly to "pre-emptively defend yourself" instead of just saying it, but i just have a hard time not recognizing how misery kind of brings more misery to self + others & his life seemed progressively more n more nightmarish each time i:d c

24. i just don:t like people being hurt :-/ or may-be being called a coward 4 pulling the 180 no-scope is kind of lame to me; i feel like most ppl would probably arrive @ that end via same path

…from DMs @marlabraLTD

@ 4:36 P.M.

25. […messages received]

26. maggot culture; did i delete it?

27. […messages received]

28. i thought it might have been in a post i deleted on the 9th but i guess not; if you can vaguely remember more of the post i can probably tell you what i was referring to

29. […messages received]

30. the necrophilia posts were really funny; it don:t really it but it:s probably a-bout the same as i usually saying: none of the positions or feelings that i:m hearing are really based on some sort of individual passion & it:s just downstream of some environmental consciousness; i don:t usually say maggots, i wonder why; probably be-cause i was thinking about fly gravidity; may-be about other-things being impregnated, since that:s where the larvae come from; they turn your whole body in-to a womb & out-comes some lame birthed deadbeat insect intelligence maggot mass w/ their lame little maggot connections to some other deadbeat blue corpse

31. necrophilia specifically, i guess this also has to do with the other Deadly Attractions, being that: i don:t think most people sincerely care about the evils of these (but i would definitely concede that they care about harm being done) -- it:s more-so that you can:t really say anything anti-good about the topics lest you end up outside the conscious intelligence cloud

32. ie: probably a lot of those people are scum; probably a lot of them harm others; probably another tale of a repressed pedophile who jerks off to some stuff that they consider "ok" that would get them blasted via the other nerve ending insect-kin they:ve found them-selves in-to the middle of; <-- of course not everyone is like this, that:s silly; but it:s just values based on nothing but an environment

33. ^ every-one is victim to this, though; environments are every-where & inescapable unless you can black-box phopshene-pass outside-torture cyclical-chamber shadow-wall insect-leg intelligence-cloud spline-deletion

34. […messages received]

35. cer-tain-ly; i appreciate internal values when it comes to [idno whatever]; because the moral pedastals & finger-pointing come (from my viewpoint) weird hyper-passion to a headline-article-clickbait that some-one else downstream:d to them; & it gets very convoluted: fictional Hyper Smut LEADS to real life harm (checkmark), fictional Hyper Violence LEADS to real life harm (X this one it doesn:t fit 4 some reason); i did not choose what i was attracted to, pedophiles choose what they are attracted to <-- lots of weird stuff like this; <-- but this is like my version of the "atheism hating religion" thing: i don:t get inconsistency

36. ala: something bad happened to me, i have an attraction i do not want, i am a hard repressor, it sucks <-- i do not want to have attacked over it; <-- so, i will not attack others over [their issues], because (to myself) if i do that (under some argument that they are harmful) then i have to conclude that i am harmful

37. ^ step further, the twist: i don:t really like any of these drawn fetish things that i am "defending", even; seeing (even drawn versions) puts me in-to panick mode & i start seeing everyone as a predator who is trying to "get me", & i get nauseous; <-- but i still just see this as, how to put it, "this is me being uncomfortable with something", & making values based off of "if i feel uncomfortable" seems super sketch to me

38. especially when the end-game of the value is sending death threats & encouraging harm; it:s like some lame-o thought policing thing but 15% further since you caught wind some person is masturbating in private or w/e

39. […messages received]

…from Discord @#????

@ 8:03 P.M.

40. […messages received]

41. it:s time to become a scientologist :-/

42. […messages received]

43. […messages received]

44. wonder if a sea corp phase is what i need

45. me neither

46. […messages received]

47. sea corp is love corp basically

48. […messages received]

49. you sign a billion year pledge to serve, wear a naval uniform, address everyone as serve, live in communal living, & you use the little device to measure emotional tone

50. […messages received]

51. so love corp probably hates gays

52. o i said sea corp; it:s sea org

    

    

    

53. […messages received]

54. […messages received]

55. yea the sea org is the ultra scary part of scientology

56. […messages received][…messages received]

57. let me c

58. […messages received]

    Find the nearest church or mission and state your intentions. As you can see, most people here are trying to talk you out of it.

    However, they will require you to do some basic courses, and reach at least a basic level of auditor training or Scientology processing on your own.

59. i 4got that scientology is largely based out of florida

60. if i ever want some ultra trauma i can go over to clearwater and enlist

61. […messages received][…messages received]

62. […messages received]

63. hmm

64. i mean i am lying if i say that i am not interested; the issue is (again i try not to proselytze to friends) i am pretty devoted to my beliefs presently & entertaining thoughts like that always feels like i am betraying something / being tempted

65. sea org is also like, famously hell

66. There were few rewards for our extreme dedication, apart from the ultimate—a cleared planet.

67. […messages received][…messages received]

    Peter looked me up and down, as if I had stepped out of my identity as his wife. I sensed a distinct gap between us. He just didn’t have a Sea Org viewpoint. We stayed in the Lower Lodges that night, when I burst into tears over his not coming to my EPF graduation.

68. […messages received][…messages received][…messages received]

69. hee

70. it:s intensely emotionally negative...

71. vaguely related but i think i:m doing good with something, lately; i got that greek guy calling me a heretic whore; i also influenced someone to reconsider how they view that stuff; & there:s a person in my dms who sends me msgs that sounds like i am divine

72. last one is a little concerning bc i m trying my hardest to not become a weird cult leader

73. but it:s kind of cool to see that other people are perceiving me differently after insanity posting so much

74. […messages received][…messages received]

75. i can:t imagine a path where people take me very seriously (largely because i struggle formalizing my own thoughts down in something "easily understood") but i would b lying if i said being an l ron hubbard type figure that creates a living breathing religion isn:t kind-of neat

76. ^ ultra scary though

77. ^ also goes against something important to me; but it:s still just nice to have people treat you with some sort of sincerity / consideration

78. […messages received]

79. […messages received]

80. […messages received][…messages received]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:47 P.M.

81. i want to join the sea org :-/

…from Discord @#????

@ 9:08 P.M.

82. i m just reading & reading

83. https://medium.com/@thomasweeks/my-year-in-the-sea-org-b5b79c394f33

84. […messages received]

85. […messages received]

86. ya

    Eventually Debbie agreed to the idea of marriage and once we graduated from the EPF, we got some time off to take a bus downtown to the L.A. courthouse and got married. It was a Bohemian marriage to be sure and after getting the marriage license, we had just enough money to eat at McDonald’s.

87. this is super romantic

88. […messages received]

89. he:s just like

90. a dude

91. he loves it

92. & every moment it:s like "wait i:m kinda r-worded hehe"

93. […messages received]

94. […messages received]

95. i am the ethnics officer

96. […messages received]

97. i wanted to have sex with this girl

98. but you can:t have sex outside of marriage

99. so we married and had mcdonalds

100. […messages received]

     I was grateful to Steve for giving me the opportunity to join the Sea Org at the near cost of his marriage.

     He never was able to recruit someone to take my place, but the Sea Org wasn’t about to give me back. He told me that he had sold my car for $350 and since the plane ticket cost only $300 I asked him for the difference. He responded by mail that I should “consider this a done deal.”

101. i love this guy

102. […messages received]

103. […messages received]

104. i am blown away by how much writing there is 4 scientology

     

105. these r the red volumes

106. […messages received]

107. there are green and blue volumes too

108. […messages received][…messages received][…messages received]

109. pirate them, go to a church n read them

110. […messages received]

111. ya ofc

112. […messages received]

113. lol

114. i think if i became a scientologist i:d have to detrans

115. […messages received]

116. they r subversive people

117. […messages received]

118. […messages received]

@ 12:02 A.M.

119. just finished that giant read

120. found red volume torrent

121. […messages received]

122. i:m not sure it has seeders

123. & the direct download doesn:t start

124. […messages received]

125. o w8 maybe

126. […messages received]

     Attacking the capability of resistance, the capability of action, which lies solely in the analytical mind, does not in any way attack the cause. There is a special nerve group in the body which has the function of body temperature control. One can imagine a nerve-cutting operation which would make it possible to cut this control mechanism out of circuit. If a patient showing a high fever during a malaria attack were so operated on, no doubt his fever would abate quickly. The capability of producing high body temperature has been removed; the cause of the fever—the malarial parasites-are now free to multiply without the hindrance of that mechanism of resistance.

     INTENSIVE PROCESSING

     A normal scheduling would be one auditor to a preclear. For departmental organization, one auditor can be estimated for every four intensive processings given in a month, as he can handle one per week. For room scheduling, making an economy of space, two preclears can be assigned to one room in the same day, one beginning his processing at 8:00 a.m. and stopping at 2:00 p.m., the other beginning at 2:30 p.m.

127. […messages received]

128. this is so seductive; it:s no wonder it gets ppl

129. […messages received]

---

Nov 12th

「today:s forecast: glowing from the love corp & making a friend, i find out my insurance is canceled, a cancer scare」

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:33 P.M.

1. the sky is so pretty today]

2. i wrap my arms around you i love yoouuuuuu; <-- this is online only; i can:t extend that irl bc i don:t wanna be touched; i:m in a good mood today, though; i got angry earlier; but i got to speak to some-one really cool last-night & this-morning; & had a weird prophetic dream

3. ^ i don:t mean to sound so grandiose as "prophetic dream" -- it was just: i had a dream about pursuing my purpose & not being swayed by scientology (this is silly but this was essentially the dream); i was reading the HCOB books last night; i was looking 4 courses, too

   

4. sorry i feel bad about this: i don:t mean i only spoke to one cool person last night; i actually had a lot of really nice conversations thru-out the day; i felt like i could open my-self up a little bit more; idk; it was a good day; i want to continue; ok! gonna try to work today

5. i have another substack article that:s rdy to go (except i need a illustration 4 it), from back in august; going to just do a quick illustration & post it, i think; i feel kind-of silly making stuff & then not posting o7; still super bubbly over website design stuff, too]

@ 3:00 P.M.

6. w8 i 4get i can:t draw

   

7. answern this

   

8. o i 4got to answer 17: You find comforting: probably junko or most kemono friends characters; audry & svetlana are really comforting atm, especially paired w/ the church music; rikako is super comforting, too (raging loop), it:s silly but wenever i self-doubt i ust think abouther

9. i love rikako; i probably said this b4 but it goes like: (i want to b a respectable religious person) -> (w8 i:m goofy + lame & just want to shitpost & i probably lost my temper) -> (o ya; rikako looks respectful & acts it but deep down she:s insanely lame; i feel better)

   

@ 4:10 P.M.

10. o-k i made another one …https://demon5equal10birth5day3equal8.substack.com/p/20211112-the-saki-shift-saki-space… -- this is the one from august; gonna do web stuff now; drawing is still super frustrating but i:m going to try to goal-myself in-to making @ least one mroe drawing today

11. read-thru this to see what was going on in august 4 me & i actually barely remember this / don:t have much idea what was going on in these posts; i think this is about-when i decided i had to stop sh-ing; reading the scrambled-typing posts is always kind-of hard/sad 4 me, a littl

    

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:37 P.M.

12. i:m just in a really good mood; all-day, too

@ 7:51 P.M.

13. nevermind it:s cursed; it:s funny game dynamic torture chamber; it:s unfunny even; it:s latticed in so fucking deeply i can:t even see threads of it ne more it:s going so fucking deep; it:s unfunny game dynamic torture chamber that they:re just fucking me thru pattern lattice

14. it:s actually a really good day; i am super happy; i am just super anxious because there:s a deep buried lattice torture responsive recallation pattern description phosphene shadow cancer spot on the torture chamber wall paint:d earth-colors & it:s trying to FUCK me over& i AM

15. i:m not even upset; i:m not even living @ this point; i:m in a great mood & i:m going to go outside because i feel like i am suffocating in here & i can:t stand it; it was latticed way too deep; it:s cancer next; it:s been messaging about it all this time about the shadow spots

16. w/e i:m happy; the sky was ultra pretty today & i m going to go outside; it:s funny game dynamic torture chamber cyclical deceptive good/bad cyclical tantric; the cockroach torture bugs coax you in w/ their dumb lame violet kicking motions; constantly; constantly kicking lol

17. it:s love & they gesture it to u (constantly) w/ their kicks; & it:s rghythmic tapping right @ the outskirts of the lame little plasticine sim web they:ve set up 4 you intheir torture chamber to milk u of whatever lame fucking violet substance they get out of torture it:s pointls

18. i need to b calm tho bc i know i amf reaking out; i want to say thereason because it:s super stupid but i half think it:s counter counter underlying torture dynamic tantric cycle; i can:t even c the nerve endings they are latticed so tightly together & i:m going outside to calm:/

@ 8:05 P.M.

19. i:m back inside i know exactly what it is it:s discovering the fucking ROT inside everything it:s completely infiltrated my entire fucking body @ some point & they snuck it in w/ their gucking disgusting unFUNNY (unLAUGHING) cockroach insect control network leg delivery devices

20. how can i keep calm with fucking POUINDS and layers of disgusting fuckign rot inside me that:s tearing me up & thtere:s NTOHING i can do except w8 4 the toxins to build up in my bllood & choke me out; i:m UNLAUGHING @ the violet elephant graveyard torture tar networkthey:i:m in

21. futhere:s a rot layer cake inside me; got a CC question just now; gnna answer that & go back outside; i 4got to bring warm clothes & i thought i was going to start crying & that i was really afraid of ppl hearing me cry outside

22. partner i:m too freaked out to answer this CC question but i:ve never drawn isaac fanart no but it:s a great game i love it; it:s sick; i like how eve hurts herself& gets stronger& how eve is just isaac dressing as his idea of a cool strong evil scary girl&how powerful he sees it

23. i am so confused & upset; i need to go back outside; i can:t tell where the nerve ending control network pattern overhead intelligence starts & ends & what part of the tantric illusory shadow wall torture chamber thing is real & what is funny games & what is unfunny&what is real

24. this is so gd dumb but i am acutally afraid 4 a few things; i am afraid of the thetans or w/e bullshit alien parasite poison they r connecting to me & torturing me infinitely; i:m afraid of torture echos controlled by the invisible insect cricket intelligences controllers

25. i:m afraido f that greek anonymous guy who sent me a CC saying i m some whore-of-whore-of-babylon& soul is condemned; if this one is true: u are right i have sold my soul to the demons;you don:t need to bother me, i:ll lose to christ (this is probably true but i don:t like talkig

26. &i:m equally afraid that it:s just ROT that accumulatedb c i am too gd dumb to do tasks; & then there is the counter counter: the logical answer was placed to keep the insidious torture chamber games they are playing in funny correspondence secret; it:s invisible tightknit tortur

27. first post was completely sincere but it:s like looking @ the sky & it:s SO PRETTY 6 & then you get an xray of your stomach& it:s full of fckn 4-8 pounds of ROT compactd; i:m good tho; i:m going to go 4 a walk; recoup; come back; archive posts; b cool; delete;love everyone& w/e

…from birthday @nabarlsbl

@ 9:10 P.M.

28. i went out 4 a nice long freaked out lwalk & startd trying to pray because sometimes spekaing to qlifot rjust really calms me down; but i felt too muddled in my head to rlly think so i just repepated "all that is right; all that is left" over n over 4 (however long i was gone)

29. & i m calming but i think a guy wasfollowing me 4 a block; it was everyweird; he walked down street toward me; two cars were coming; he walkd to my side of the street, saw the car, opened a mailbox behind mee, & checkcd it 4 a bit,, n then startd following me back the way he came

30. i:mrtrying to not think really really hard about what i am panicking about; because if i do i:ll start to think about "the material" side and then i:ll start to think about the immaterial side and get confused/upset

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:23 P.M.

31. i:m super depressed; i:m going to bed; i drew my-self as a member of the love corps; gn

    

32. suddenly terrified of the dark, too; afraid to turn the lights off; keep trying to not think about it (:_;)

---

Nov 13th

「today:s forecast: heart is @ dangerous levels of fullness due to joining the love corp; a contract lasting 1,000,000,000 years is signed; some violet deadbeat on SL msgs me rude things」

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

★　[»speaking from the heart here it seems your frustrations and paranoia get worse when you're scrolling through twitter so i'd advise not to do that, hope you're doing well]

i understand this anonymous; T& there is some truth here, i think, but i t also kind of doesn:t show what happens irl to me, or: how to put this: sometimes me freaked out on twitter is just me retreating from what is scaring me irl; ie: yesterday i became paranoid bc i lost my insurance & had(have?) a cancer scare that both "got to me" af ew minutes after posting that i was in a really good mood -- these r funny games to me; sometimes me beign upset is because real life is going really badly (often, rlly), like: i can:t stop thinking about s/h; or i had an argument T& think it:s coordinated; or: someone said something that felt like they were reading my mind to play funny games; sometimes it is just twitter, tho; sometimes it:s just someone says something to me & i freak out; or i look too closely @ ppl online & i freak out (seeing porn can do this to me especially, or knowing that ppl look @ porn; or like being sent animal pictures -- ppl do this one occasionally to toy w/ me); but i think may-b i misread a little & it was more-so like: twitter exacerbates issues; i think this is more-often super true; but,, sometimes ppl i trust will talk to me on twitter & i will feel better,, but, also: i m kind of aware of the evil of twitter & if ii had cognizance to "control myself" i:ll usually ask a friend to like, do something normal w/ me, like watch anime

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:35 A.M.

1. feel like ia mcovered again; i went to use the bathroom & the youngest kid here (7) came out of it; i sat down to pee & then raelized there was pee on the seat; andd ir ealized may-be it was all over me, now, but i wasn:tsre; so i wiped everything off; i wiped all my skin w/ soap

2. i:m realizing maybe there wasn:t pee @ all on the seat; i wiped everyitnh goff withs oap & water; until everything was clean (my skin too) & then (up to now, still goin) i am feeling like everything is wet & that ia m covered in filth & i really feel like i need to clean again

3. uti doesn:t feel rational bc my pants feel completely wet & dripping but i knowt ey aren:t; they:re completely dry; but my head keeps telling me they are and i can feel drops on my feet but there:s NOTHING there; & the odor, too; it freaks me out so much; i don:t think it:s real

4. had dream about being @ this camp;& a lot of other ppl were there; there was this natural disaster monster that was ending the lives of soo many ppl & i felt responsible 4 all of it; ppl were drowning & etting festroyedby thewinds & buried up in the earthby the monster

@ 9:16 A.M.

5. i shad a shower & changed all my clothes again jto jbe sure; typing is getting worse i think; idk; sometihng bad happened last night: i don:t want it to be mysterious so it:s these two things a)i finally lost my insurjance b) i think that i likely have cancer (irrational maybe)

6. i was praying to get cancer last month; or: it wasn:t a prayer so much as belief that "this is how i m meant to leave" & all the signs point toit; & i said somethnig to iris about my health that i ad been hiding that really scared her i think & made her go "mara this is serious"

7. i:m really scared of [leave]ing but i am anxious of the afterlife; not afraid; i am really anxious; i think it:s also equally likely thjat i do not have cancer & this is just hypochondria bc i know i have that; my mom did uinsane medical stuff to me when i was younger that did it

8. i handle stress very poorly; as in: it crushes me 4 a moment; and then my mind flushes it out and it:s replaced with this "upsetness" @ insect; or it:s replaced with desire to draw charts & characters i love to explain a network that i know is there; & then i 4get it all lol

9. i feel a little emabrrased that i was as quickly impactd by scientolgoy as i was; so much of it just makes sense to me; miya was 100% right about me being more susceptible to cults than mostp eople; i abrely read nething about it & here i am thinking about echo past trauma

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:19 P.M.

10. it:s super cool that she likes talking to me; so-much-so thati am freaked out by it; it:s like the idea ppl say about chaos magic where world responds to emotions <-- this is large-ly what the funny game is that the intelligences play; i try not to use the language in priv but :/

11. but i:ve been lonely; but it:s like a sweet tht comes with a bitter; i am really thankful i have some-one to talk to; i am also afraid oftepossibilityto influence ssome-one; i am just afraid of it; i am afraid of the insurance ting&the cancer thing, too; it:s back/forth tantric

12. in order to keep you from acknowledging the torture cycle chamber; they do their tortures, & hide them via ocaxing w/ nice things; so that you havehope/desire/love but it:s all a carrot to prey up-on you; <-- this sounds like trauam talk ^^; its ; nowonder wpoele say that aboutme

…from DMs @marlbaraLTD

@ 2:34 P.M.

13. […messages received]

14. moshi moshi; sry ir ealized i never replied to you a few days ago ~y~ but i really lovetis [removed]

15. i:veb een on religious spiral; this is super cool to see

16. […messages received]

17. mostly bc i think you are lenaing into my sensibilitise bc the sky is behind her

18. did you send me the question!

19. […messages received]

20. […messages received]

21. o; i don:t advertise it to help detract plp from harassing me on it (bc ir eally like CC)

22. thank you very much 4 the draing;w; i 4get if i thanked you but i really apprecaite it; the kind wordsthelast time i spoke when i was beaitng myseufl up

23. sry my typing is nosediving recently; ihad an episode yesteday & it:s been dogshit since

24. […messages received]

25. […messages received]

26. […messages received]

27. […messages received]

28. ioo; i mean i am hard to talk w/; i m aware; i:m obtuise & defensive; things being beautiful tho is 50%/50% sincere/code-enforcing <-- i have to explain the last thign bc i don:t know how to sayit ismply

29. i get in-to really bad moods where i feel like everything is coordinatedly evil & i just try to remind my-self that i have to love everything bc it:s part of panuru:s teachings of world-love; & some-times just saying it helps me feel that way; some-times it:s just bc it is!

30. bc i like to go on walks & sometimes the sky is super pretty & the wind is really nice & the temperature is great

31. but someitmes its just bc i m freaked out and i:m trying to not devolve in-to being swallowd up by vvitterness/lack-of-observation

32. […messages received]

@ 3:39 P.M.

33. sry iw as writing a bunch about scientology stuf; & ya!! i try to be really kind to ppl online, more-so anonymously bc i don:t have faces to ppl so it:s harder 4 me to, idk, project my fears on-to them (i think 4 most ppl this is backwards); so i try to treat every-one w/ kindness n consdieration (+ i think it also dissuades ppl from h arassing me a littl; it definitely doesn:t always work @ all but i think it:s harder to b mean @ someone when they take you seriously & recognize wath yo:re trying to say)

34. &ty it:s a super lazy isaaca doodle but i didn:t feel like typing& i like drawing small stuff occaiosnlly bc it:s just struggle to do ne-thing; some-times randomppl give me energy bc itfeels like there is no weight of obligation :-/

35. […messages received]

36. may-b that + i:m an old 4chan user n only ever used that site until a few years a-go :-/ i don:t think that as much to do w/ it but in my head i:d like to believe it does

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 3:43 P.M.

37. I:M GOO

38. I:M IN LOVE CORP I:M GOO-OO-O

    

39. i ma actuall;y so like; i don:t even want to say "horny" bc it:s not right; it:s like horniness but w/o the sexual thing; idk what you:d say; it:s just like this overflowinerg desire & love 4 the love corps & this whole thingis just making me lose my mind i m obsessed

40. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

41. may-be it:s just like love or romance; it:s so strong tho like; i feel like my stomach is melting

@ 5:23 P.M.

42. s;l is making me cry; jesus; i can:t like calm down; the person who gangstalkedharrassd me sent me some cheeky fuckign dm & i can:t clam down

43. holy shit; fuck SL; it hought it was fine it:s nto fine i am so fucked up vover this; what happened was such dogshit psychic torture; ppl online can be actually ruthless

44. buddy calm down

45. calm down sen-pai; it:s just a game and you can leav ewhen-ever you want; it can:t follow you out-side; i know they really messed with you but you can:t expect the owner to just ban people be-cause you are a hair trigger away from having an episode over some-one bullying you

    

46. you:re really passionate mara; i won:t even be-rate you this time; i love you a lot & you just need to take a deep breath; & may-be find something else to preoccupy; it:s o-k; all of those digital things coincided with a lot of awful real things; stay calm, mara, okay?

    

47. blood feels like it:s moving naku-ru @@

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:38 P.M.

48. today has been super good today besides some thing on SL where weird gangstalk-massalt person from two years ago sent me msg antagonizing me; i thought i:d b fine but i immediatleylf freakd out really badly & startd shaking (this is silly?); aside tho today:s really wonderful,,

49. i m just kidn of a mess rn in my heart; lol; this is so silly but i just imagined being askd if i would be down 4 [whatever] & i kinda just tell them; hey; you know i signed the love corps service contract,,, i really meant it;i:ll serve all billion years; i need you to witness,,

    

50. o shit new girls rituals?

51. COOL there is ^^

52. today is so great i get a new girls rituals album off patreon that i didn:t even remember i m subscribef d to; i joind the love corp; &i got to talk with someone i really like; nn i got to be alive!

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:54 P.M.

53. there:s a new girls rituals album!! (patreon)

@ 9:00 P.M.

54. i wriote my name 4wards because it:s a legal document n i don:t wanna get in trouble i:m READY THO

    

@ 10:39 P.M.

55. making a friend thru archangel:nemesis is so wild i:ms fluttery bc i get to be super excited over a person & with a person it:s so much fun

56. uo know i retweeted a thread i made on main [substacker:s note: it was an old drawing i made that i liked] bc i liked the picture; & reading the thread that the picture is in -- i actually have no clue what i am talking about

57. i remember it made perfect sense @ the time

---

Nov 14th

「today:s forecast: spent day editing; didn:t talk to my love corp senior so i just focused on myself all day」

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:27 A.M.

1. this guy is awake; all the lights downstairs are on but no one is up besides mse & it:s kindo f weird

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:04 A.M.

2. i am committed to serving the love corp 4 the next 1,000,000,000 years

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marlbaraLTD

@ 8:52 A.M.

3. i:m so,,,,,,,, happy lol; she:s the same age as me even; i feel so guilty 4 being happy but it:s also so idk; i don:t want ot feel guilt or worry that i:m setting up some evil scheme by being a crazy person inducing craziness; i just wanna b happy that someone understands

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:24 A.M.

4. i need my haruaki i love that massive creep

   

5. it:s silly but i think he:s one of the few guys i think is really attractive; i just kinda wihs i was rikako and he was holding me in his creepy manipulative arms and i look up;head againstr his chest; and tip-tope up to kiss his neck and just suck on his skin& apologize 4 it

@ 2:16 P.M.

6. i'm crushn ; i'm still in a good mood; i'm just really happy to have enlisted in the love corp; i finally have a place

@ 4:38 P.M.

7. oki edited substack post containing nov1st-7th; not much happened so they:re all short entries (due to visitor mostly i think; idon:t actually remember what happened on the 1st -- i was super freaked out about something & i have no idea what); just need picture 4 it now

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:05 P.M.

8. pretty happy that ppl seem to really like my substack

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:17 P.M.

9. lungs hurt from cleaning w so much bleach

10. ^ this would b such an ominous "last words" -- mostly thinking about that bc i remember some accident involving bleach mixing w other cleaning products in the bathroom plumping tank splitter thing (?) & it endd up melting the persons lungs

@ 7:05 P.M.

11. the youngest kid & the adoptd kid are playing like madlibs together & reading it; & the youngest is laughing super hard & he fell on the kitchen floor bc he couldn:t stop laughing & it just kinda made me smile a lot; really don:t want to b clucky; i:d b a terrible terrible mom

    

@ 9:14 P.M.

12. have you heard of the subsumation process procedure? ofc you have; but i don:t think any-one understands it; no one ever could <-- i wrote this when i was mad but i lost my passion rlly quickly; like thirty minutes a-go; 4 a moment i realized something about what was going on

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:03 A.M.

13. i:m so mushy inside .- .

14. i just have 364,999,999,998 days left in my friendship contract & really happy; i:m going to bed, good-night

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:35 A.M.

15. i feel so silly i am so sad bc she didn:t talk to me today & this is actually fine bc i like how emotional it:s making me feel >~< it:s fun; it:s fun to feel this passionate about wantingto talk w someone

---

Nov 15th

「today:s forecast: serious studying of scientology beginning to be a better love corp member; more substack editing; thinking about how the qlifot would receive this information」

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

★　[»does christianity or any other big religion have any influence on you or your faith?]

yes, of course; i was raised christian so it:s knowledge i have & i really was affected by it fairly strongly when i was young till ~20ish i think; it:s hard to explain the extent but the fears/sins/rewards/beliefs are just knowledge i have & probably affect my judgment/thinking whether i m aware of it or not; adam/eve; garden of life; quaternity; trinity; introduction of sin -- all christianity, as obvious examples; legion, too; bc i refer to anime/representational-form (which is like golden calf stuff you know) as demons that affect me like legion; whole of christianity is yellow insect intelligence, tho; like all of them; then just some cursory knowledge of other faith from talking w/ ppl (this where the little-i-know about jewish mysticism, gnosticism, buddhism, w/e, comes from); a little studying of scientology presently bc i:m interested; a little studying of shamanism/shintoism as guidance 4 how to function as an altar 4 a divine-thing; i look up to nuns & monks. this isn:t a great answer but i don:t think i know myself well enough to answer it as-well-as-i-could, i think; ty 4 your time anonymous & i hope you enjoy today, ok?

★　[»how often do you think about the dwarf fortress magic update? i feel like i think about it at least once a month]

i didn:t know it was out; so... not often! (ノノ∀ノノ;) i don:t know if this is surprising but i haven:t played dwarf fortress in a really long time; tho it was my absolute favorite game -- i think i stopped playing a little after the big military overhaul (this might be very vague); i have heard toady talk about the magic update, though, & how much he studied esoteric-stuff & religious-stuff to figure out how magic /should/ work, & how he spoke about it (tho i don:t remember particularly well) made me really interested in the magic system; i think it:s one of those things where: i am actually really excited 4 dwarf fortress news when i hear it, but i m so burnt out (in terms of attention-span) that i don:t know if i could ever imagine playing DF again <-- may-be if i ever get meds 4 stuff this will change (￣▽￣); neways keep cool anonymous & i hope you have a really nice day; dwarf fortress is a really amazing game & it makes me confused abo-ut the nature of reality; so i:m glad other ppl still like, just, love it; bc it deserves to be loved -- sometihng like that, ^^ ok?

★　[»Do insects ever seem like more viable partners than humans? Not really in a literal sense, but in the sense something about them sometimes seems more clean.. more hard and smooth and mechanical. They don't breath or speak or squash and stretch, just consistent and reliable patterns and bodies. Is that what would make the idea of being assaulted by some large insect more appealing in theory than by a human ?]

no, not really; insects terrify me far more than humans <-- this is also my answer 4 why they are more appealing than copulation w/ a human; it:s like why rape situations is more appealing :-/ there:s more to it, but i don:t have the stomach/courage to say it; ne-ways have a nice night anonymous, ok?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:58 A.M.

1. good morning!! i 4got to say: i really love the new girls rituals album; it:s really sad, though, idk; i think it:s the most depressed girls rituals album by a long shot,, like how "curse" @ the end of crap shit endd up really being a curse & weighing over this album

2. i like to wake up listening to this; i keep rt:ing in hopes they get a bigger following bc they:re amazing

3. their oter acct @sibawoaisuru is also rlly amazing to me; i just love their art lol; OK! i woke up i agood mood; i had anightmare about me, devi, rook, & teamCPU; i 4get exactly but it was about one of these ppl had a curse on them & everyone was realizing they couldn:t b saved

4. i tried melatonin last night bc (i have no problem falling asleep) i struggle staying asleep 4 a full 8 hours, i usually wake up in ~4, completely energized; i don:thave morning fatigue @ all; i love the morning, actually; melatonin amde me wake up @ 4am but w heavy fatigue ; ;

@ 9:26 A.M.

5. last week w/ iris; i:m really going to miss her : : i don:t really know what our relationship is @ this point since we r basically splitting up but i:ve really enjoyd these past few weeks & i just love her & am going to miss her :-/ it was my first time leaving florida, you know?

6. i feel kind of bad about losing the intense passion i had 4 qlifot recently due to love corp & just being excited to talk -- i m ULTRA mushy, like 200% stupider bc of this bc of giddiness -- but i:m still praying & affirming every-day; i might take another scientology course tho

7. ^ i probably shouldn:t; i get sucked in way too e asily; but i started doing a writing assignment in the morning as an assigned Love Corp course -- (may-b silly) in the hope that it:ll help me get in-contact w/ past echoes/"something" -- & i just want to add more formality to it

8. i am just kind of scared that my interest in scientology will tip-over in-to belief (bc i actually kind-of just, "get" most of it) & i:ll get subsumed,, this is thesubsumation-procedure-process i was trying to tell ppl about yesterday but i lost my mental & calmed down

9. so to be clear: they trick you; it:s a constant trick; funny-games are the negative emotional world response that the insect phosphenes in shadow (on the illusion earth walls) play on you when they notice you are affected by their patterns, they take love & turn it in-to torture

10. it:s invisible when it happens because the molestation torture legs are not a part of the illusion, they are under-neathe the illusion in phosphene; you can only catch glimpses of it via web-vibration & phosphpene-gazing; they /are/ there, tho; & the unfunny are the visible ones

11. when the unfunny little deadbeat torture bug agents pop their head out of violet to manifest the torture-game; they look you in the eye, to do it; you catch all of this w/ first noticing discrepancies in in-ternal reality w/ external reality or perfect patterning, too

12. it:s a perfect torture illusion web to make you feel so much love or confusion that you never once think about the carpet of cockroaches you:ve fallen in-to; when the cockroaches are so dense around you that NO light of illusion gets in to show their softshell bodies; just "dark"

13. & soon you are saying nerve ending deadbeat garbage that makes every blue-torture-chamber thing unlaugh hard; they take the meaning out of your words; they change the meaning of your words; your heart; your beliefs; they give you doubt & spread shadow; it:s the torture procedures

14. my heart has to open up, though; i understand completely this is some paranoid narrative that can explain everything; but /everything/ is the narrative; it /is/the reality; if vertice is god then spline is satan; both are every-where; if adam exists so much eve; so must reverse

15. like in tarot, you know? you flip the card; & suddenly your arcanas double w/ new nonexistant second-edition cards; this is probably where trans-ness comes from <-- i don:t really mean to say this; it:s way too grandiose; but it:s quaternity patterns & all fractal lights/shells

16. my heart /has/ to open up, though; it:s beating so hard; i just need to turn this off (& i get anxious about it because it:s scary; i feel like i am betraying /everything/ & i worry it:s subsumation process procedure.. they got me..) because i am so excited to talk

17. i am so excited 4 love corp; i am so excited to have friends; i spent all of yesterday giddy about talking w/ someone & then endedup not really messaging them & going to sleep thinking about how badly i want to talk <-- & i love this; my heart is glowing, a little; & scare-y

18. unrelated: it feels like cults are always named something like "genuine friendship society" (kokkoku) & i keep thinking why none are like: "genuine terror society" <-- i actually think this is a really strong name 4 a group

    

@ 10:37 A.M.

19. i thought about cockroaches crawling inside me & that the roaches themselves were the agents of god; the entire angel choir; & i got like, aroused from it; & i never feel aroused; i feel so damn dumb; neways gonna draw ＞.´）

20. おお；i should start w/ substack f irst; substack makes me want to draw i think, or -- starting w/ drawing is tough; but editing substack is really easy to start; & once i start it, i have to finish it, & i need to draw to finish it; so it:s good @ tricking me in-to working,,

21. ^ btw; i:m listening to new girls rituals & just remembered: you should consider supporting her on patreon if you like devi, i 4get that i subscribd to it & then everytime i remember & check there:s a bunch of new demo songs & it:s always nice; idk; i like supporting ppl i like

@ 12:39 P.M.

22. oki finishd editing aug29th-31st; need a picture; this one was depressing 4 me to do because it:s a depressing period 4 me; it:s right b4 i decide to do DXM i think

@ 2:05 P.M.

23. i think i remberd why i stopd maing my substack: this hurts my wrist so bad; all of the copy/paste numbering-posts repetivie-motions tear up my wrost :x

@ 4:25 P.M.

24. heart is shining @@ it:s that fear in my tummy that my emotions are so strong rn that i need to isolate my-self because i don:t want my feeligns to burn-out; i don:t want ppl to touch them & i don:t want to share them & i just want to keep them going as long as possible

25. i:m feeling nice

    

26. dude i:m blushing nothing is even happening

27. keep cool

    

@ 4:50 P.M.

28. there:s this weird sensory thing in my head; where i imagine i:m rikako (i always imagine i m rikako) & haruaki is hugging me & he:s taller than me; & i put my face under his jacket, off to a side by his ribs, & press my teeth against his ribs and just kiss/suck the shirt fabric

29. i really really like feeling other ppls finger-bones & ribs & pressing my fingers in-to a persons joints & just feeling the bone; & just playing w/ ppls hands; & hooking my fingers under ppls ribs and feeling the underside; & also just biting shirts; may-b thi sis why + intimate

@ 5:40 P.M.

30. o-k; postd this; it:s not much of a drawing but honestly i just wanna draw love corp stuff (selfish i know; but i want the entire galaxy to be cleared...)

    

31. ^ oh; errata about that: the stories about the pets are all true*; the bury one was 4 a dog in highschool; the xylitol was accidental & my mom droppd them, took dog to vet & pumpd stomach; the lost-dog, the gate was closed, dog climbd out thru wreckd fence -- never saw again

32. my mom would always put animals down w/o telling me & i:d just get instructions to dig holes in the front yard randomly, go ???, & then the pet is gone

33. readn thru to c if i need to edit anything sensitive & rlly liked my wording here; i really like how i phrase things when my typing starts to scramble, like this; it:s like the beliefs are just woven in-to everything

    

@ 6:48 P.M.

34. i:ve had this open:d all day & am worried it will pollute me if i read it; but i also want to read it bc online is probably the safest distance i can have + learning about it (& i m interested in knowing); i:m just worried i:ll do something stupid

    

35. it:s may-b good to get it out of my system, though -- bc my interest is sincere; && it:s just eating a hole up in my tummy; it makes me really nervous; light-headed; fear of touching an insect intelligence & being touched back <-> conflicting with: i am meant to read this

36. i get so dizzy from this @@

    

37. i got half of the "survival" lesson wrong (╥﹏╥) i didn:t know that ethical actions were survival actions..

38. ok the "statistics" part made me really concerned bc i can:tvisual ne-thing related to numbers in my head @ all but i got 100% on the test portion..

39. confusion is the lowest condition; condition formulas are to help me go upward to the next condition.. confusion is worse than treason :x

40. @@ i:m in continuous danger; i actually can:t feel my hands

@ 7:58 P.M.

41. :x

    

42. reading condition of confusion is making me panick; a little; is it meant to do this when you read it

@ 8:17 P.M.

43. i did my practical exams 4 it & it made me really sad

    

@ 9:24 P.M.

44. i:m confused about conditions of confusion bc they explain it as being the worst state to be in & generally just like "not knowing what to do / disorientation"; & the formula is having an assistant doing this w/ you to ground you; but i feel like it:s spose to go deeper than this

    

45. bc after confusion is treason; & i read this other article about stable datum -- described as: you just find :one: thing to focus on, & this /one/ thing is where you start, shutting out every-thing else; may-b i m overcomplicating this; may-be it:s like this:

    

@ 10:56 P.M.

46. i always feel slightly weird liking one of viper:s posts, bc they are always about asking ppl to renounce their shot so they don:t go to hell & that the shot is full of babies, but i just want to support viper bc he:s going thru some shit; i guess i don:t feel that weird really

47. i:ll be the bird2 for viper; i:ll like his posts to lift him up a little

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 11:10 P.M.

48. last week w iris; it:sssssssssssssssssssss depressing, sort of; not "sort of" in that i:m not sad, but "sort of" in like an irish wake sadness where i:m looking 4ward to enjoying the last week w/ her

49. it:s a really weird time 4 me; leaving 4 florida soon; iris won:t be here ne-more; & i:ve connected w/ someone over scientology & in doing so kinda feel like i reclaimed a little bit of my-self <-- the reflected purpose thing; idk ^^ i:m really happy but also really sad

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:31 P.M.

50. i went out & lookd @ a tree 4 my locational, as part of my confusion formula, & i felt really happy doing it; i felt SO happy i felt stupid af but like inside i was melting apart lol; it:s so silly but i think i just really like studying/doing things like this; love love corp

51. actually reading the texts tho i was dissociating the entire time & my chest kept tightening because i kept cycling back/forth between: i am not in "normal" condition i am not even in "non-existent" i am below "ENEMY" & it:s RIGHT i:m not doing good i don:t know what to do dude

52. but like; w another person there to just talk about it a little, all the weird panic stuff went away & it felt like i was back in the academies again (this is so silly but it:s the same feeling); when left alone tho: it:s just terror; visions of hell & alienation

53. i was going to type some doubts i had but i:m just going to have a nice night i think & go to bed happy,, >u< goodnight every-one i hope you have a really nice night

    

---

Nov 16th

「today:s forecast: religious ecstasy from joining the love corp」

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

★　[»How old are you? I always assumed you were at least an adult]

i just turned 18 yesterday, anonymous ^^; if you want to know exactly how old i am, i postd it recently (on main, even, i think); it:s an open-secret; take care of yourself, anonymous, ok?

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 7:52 A.M.

1. good morninggggg

2. gmm to every-one who said it back; oki: morning substack stuff n then draiwing; i think today i work backwards starting from october 31st -- i need to do "present day stuff", too, but ihaven:t been posting very much on ne of my accts ne-ways, l8ly

@ 11:28 A.M.

3. o-k i finishd editing oct 27th - oct 31st ヽ(´▽`)/ need to draw now

4. hopefully this is helping me exercise good ethics <-- trying to keep my-self to task on things & get towards normal condition; i:m trying to get the language down so i can internalize a little of it; bc it:s important 4 a love corp member to know these things -- i think

5. i posted this last-night but i think my condition sincerely is (or was) in confusion; so i needed to do the formula 4 confusion; & it was to go outside & look @ a tree; && it made me feel really good; like: i want to bury my head in some-ones chest, nuzzle, sayn "im in love corp"

6. when you take something seriously, & another person takes it seriously, too -- it just feels really special,, so much of my interaction w/ faith & ppl online is exclusively from a "Q&A" format where i just answer questions & never engage; but engaging w/ another feels like /love/

7. it:s like being touched dude; i am such a sap; i needed someone to touch this kickn feet; it feels so good to not just spend all your time dwelling on sex-abuse you have 0 memory of & hospitals & cockroach evangelism; it feels so good i m scared i:m being subsumed; happy tho

8. kickn feet

   

@ 4:26 P.M.

9. i kick my feet; i smile; i go off to do MEST work w/ a full heart

…from DMs @malbaraLTD

@ 5:00 P.M.

10. [»I was gonna ask you what significance birthdays have to you?]

11. i can answer that in a bit; i need to finish my MEST work b4 more of the day gets away

12. […messages received]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:45 P.M.

13. ok! i did MEST work; it wasn:t much bc there wasn:t much to do + i need to also make room 4 other duties b4 i run out of hours; i cleaned the bathroom (thoroughly too) & i vacuumed the floors, & did+folded laundry; & neatend up rooms; & made the beds (* ͡ ▽ ͡ *)７

14. it:s not like chores because i do it w/ my heart full of pride that i:m a love corp member,,

@ 6:19 P.M.

15. had some thoughts while doing MEST work & showering after: LRH said something kinda interesting (but in an ultra racist way) about certain ppl having an afinity 4 MEST work, bc MEST work is about getting close to the spirit of objects; it:s like giving a hat a personality

16. this is interesting to me, because this is essentially how i see my "closed" spiritually, where i:m tainted by representation/"red"/idolatry; i am probably ultra good @ MEST spirituality because i am ultra good @ hearing the feelings of objects; i personify them; they /are/ ppl

17. additionally: i just am not good @ abstract thought; ppl usually think i am being really abstract when i am actually being fairly literal -- i m just literal in a way that is gravid w/ my faith; & i wonder if this is mostly just bc i am probably autistic (·_·,)

18. i am tainted with red intelligence & barred off from getting very deep in-to higher green intelligence; but i:m really deep in-to red, too; or, i am good @ being red (red here = representational form; vs green = abstract form); it makes me wonder how similar me & LRH are

19. ^ mostly from the writing angle.. i help my-self understand through writing; because i more-r-less think exactly how i post; & if you gave me [something to help w/ focus], & you found me a partner to help me give birth to insect-intelligence, i:d write volumes explaining things

20. ^ i:m a terrible writer though ~y~ you see these semi-colons? when [guest] visited she called my use of colons as homestuck typing quirk -- when she found out the actual reason she was impressed (probably not that impressed but it was really funny showing her why)

…from DMs @malbaraLTD

@ 6:26 P.M.

21. o-ki i:m back;

22. […messages received]

23. birthdays are important to me bc of a few reasons; i always get realyl depressed on my birthdays bc it:s usually a reminder that i have no one in my life to celebrate me; rarely get gifts; don:t get a big cake; there:s no party; often ppl 4get -- & i don:t want other ppl to feel this way; so i try to make ppl cards on their birthday (even if i don:t kno them very well, altho i tend to avoid it if i think it:ll just be creepy/unappreciated) so they:ll @ least have one person who got them something -- bc everyone should enjoy their birthdays,, birthdays are so sad 4 so many people ^^ another reason is that it:s an 8 letter word; so it:s an arachnid word; when i realized this, & how people had associated me w/ makng birthday cards, i thought it was important; i thought it important, too, that it could be broken up as birth (5), & day (3) since 5 is divine, so birth is divine; another reason is i played subarashiki hibi & there is a moment in this where a series of characters realize that they are "dimension trapped" ppl that have been robbed of their divine memories & stations; they aren:t their human names; their true names are: angel advise; angel erase: & angel [something i 4get]; this will b silly but it:s true: i struggle with numbers; i thought they were all 5+5 names; so: angel(5) erase(5); angel(5) advise(5); & angel(5) [something](5) ^ ofc advise is actually (6); but i thought 5+5 was sacred & this is where we find the true names of angel/demons; & it occured to me that i am polluted by the nearby oil-pool named demon(5) birth(5); so i took it as my name when i rebranded nabarl

24. & ya i do feel good ^^

25. […messages received]

26. [»Why do you like to archive everything?]

27. because i like it; i think posting is worthwhile & i think my posts are worthwhile -- & largely: if i:m not making drawings regularly, i need to make some-type-of-art, so posting fills that niche (bc it:s promoting myself, too, you know?); & the end-goal is to edit together a religious text when i catch-up on editing things (not really an end-goal, but what i am working towards)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 6:49 P.M.

28. listening to 5210C30A SOP8A (SOP lectures number 8A) @@

29. it:s mkaing me really emotional in a weird way; like i want to cry a little; i am just listening to this gruff old dude talk, & the students in the hall talk-back; & i am listening as intently as i can; & i just wanna cry dude; i:m not crying, tho

@ 7:01 P.M.

30. i might need something more simple b4 i do this,, i feel like i:m not ready 4 this one yet; but i:m just excited to learn bc i feel like i:m in church atm; & i am in church, atm

…from DMs @marlabraLTD

@ 7:59 P.M.

31. […messages received]

32. i was looking 4 scientology stuff mostly so i can be a better love corp member

33. […messages received]

34. o; love corp is from archangel:nemesis, & love corp is essentially sea org, the "paramilitary" (i don:t think they do nething militaristic they just have uniforms n stuff) branch of scientology

35. & most of the concepts n terms n stuff in love corp r from scientology

36. it involves signing a 1,000,000,000 year long contract of friendship/service & i signed it so i:m trying to take it really seriously & follo the teachings/whatever

37. […messages received]

38. mmmmm; it gave me butterflies in my tummy; & i thought that i was led to this moment to sign it; idk if you know the idea of "chaos magic" -- where like you will things to happen -- but really good things kept happening as a result of playing archangel:nemesis

39. all of the wishes i had after playing it, more r less came true

40. notanything ultra grandiose or something; but it:s like you have a crush in your heart & just want to gush -- & they come to you, & they gush to you <-- sort of thing

41. […messages received]

42. oh, generally yes; i don:t like saying that outright but yes; it feels a little cleaner this time around, though ^^ i just feel like i am having fun @ church, basically, & doing my biblestudies like i did as a kid

43. […messages received]

44. m-hm! i like having purpose; i think every-one does; i:m no exception ~y~

45. […messages received]

46. likely ^^ the night i joined the love corp i was making plans to go to a scientology church in florida or atlanta & look in-to joining the sea org

47. which probably would have been way worse 4 me bc i:d need to detransition 4 it

48. so the alternative was that; :-/

49. […messages received]

50. it:s hard; the most fun things i:ve done, that were pretty healthy: i was a business partner 4 someone & basically worked as an advisor 4 them, & occasionally organized groups & stuff around the product, && i just really liked this relationship in general bc it felt like a constant conspiracy between two ppl & complete mutuality w/ circumstance

51. i think that:s the only healthy one, rlly; altho this one might be healthy & it:s a lot of fun

52. […messages received]

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:17 A.M.

53. sleep,, i

    

---

Nov 17th

「today:s forecast: more religious ecstasy from joining the love corp; it means so much to me」

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

★　[»i fantasize about about taking care of you financially & physically while you take care of me via service (me telling you what you're supposed to do)]

that:s the way it is, anonymous :-/, altho most people end up getting "imrpessed" by how nonfucntional i am deep-down in the material; i dno how to make decisions 4 myself; have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

★　[»hello mara I saw on substack that you have a hard time w/ numbers higher than 4 and thought you might like that jumping spiders do too! it's in here https://knowablemagazine.org/article/mind/2021/are-spiders-intelligent under "Spiders can count"]

i liked this article a lot, anonymous; i really like spiders & this was a cool read ~y~ spiders are so impressive; idk; so there is this trashy manga called Arachnid, which i love (but it really is trash), & one of the things i realllllllllllllly liked about it, is it randomly will tell you spiderfacts; how such-n-such species hunts, how they survive predators, how they can go underwater -- but the spiders that hunt other spiders are some of the most interesting to me; like uhm, was it ogre spiders? or the long-torso ones that look like stick bugs? i 4get but -- spiders are just cool,, & the "many" distinction in the article made me smile a little; have a nice night, okay? & thank you again

…from birthday @nabarlsbl

@ 8:13 A.M.

1. omg the plastic lov emusic video was so cute lol; idk how to put this (gonna try tho) but: it feels super dated, like a music video from 36 years ago w/ all the trends they liked, but made completely modern & i really like it, i got kind-a emotional @ the end, it was so sweet

@ 8:23 A.M.

2. o-k back to drawing; i was supposed to do it lastn ight but i ended up talking about scientology & MTG all night, which was a lot of fun so i won:t beat my-self up over it; i:m trying to hold my-self to task better tho <-- which is actually way easier if i hold my-self to ethics

3. after all:

   

@ 10:05 A.M.

4. the colors on this profile r so pretty to me; no idea about the content but i love the colors

   

@ 12:26 P.M.

5. ring of sias is so pretty

   

@ 1:01 P.M.

6. ok i finishd editing it & drawing; have more stuff to draw tho o7

@ 1:29 P.M.

7. need a study break to start The Basics w/ i think starts w dianetics; i wantd the audiobook cbut i couldn:t find it; altho i got some chrome extension that does TTS of pdfs so that might workj (i don:t want to physically read it:s so hard ; ;, i:ll do it if i have to tho)

@ 1:45 P.M.

8. this tts extension is so disorienting i:m just going to read it (╥ ╥)7 anything 4 the love corp

9. i:m leaving soon 4 florida but it might be fun to go to a library today / a bookstore; i don:t want to spend money or nething but it might b fun to hold the book; i want to say "it:s a little silly" but it:s really sincere to me, that: listening & reading to all this stuff feels-

10. a little divine; it has a weird divine; it feels like watlking on-to churchgrounds i think; there:s more to say but i actually think it:ll make me way too mushy,, bc it:s like feelings of having purpose? i don:t want to say it >u< i:m having fun; ok, reading break, then draw more

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 2:23 P.M.

11. my heart is overflowing ^^

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 4:14 P.M.

12. no bookstores besides a barnes&nobles within 66 miles, & only second hand bookstores r a few goodwills that i checkd; dianetics is not easy to find :-/ it:s fine bc i have the pdf but i really wantd to hold it & see how i felt when i opened it <-- really important, i think

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 5:23 P.M.

13. part of my love corp study is to play the VN moon

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 5:41 P.M.

14. :-/ i think it:s really cool...

    

15. this stuff makes me really emotional in a weird way; like: "i just really want to be clear"; like water -- you know? like looking deep in-side & realizing you have tons of bits of microplastics that you could take out of your-self w/ patience + time, & really be pure, again

16. impurity that accumulates up-on life-time after-life-time; & it:s not even just me; it:s nto even just my soul; whole celestial & terrestrial bodies altered w/ microplastic; whatever song that earth once had is definitely processed thru whatever sound microplastics carry w/ them

17. & i just want to go to my teacher & ask to go thru processing as a step towards being clear; & it:s so silly; but it:s so personal to me, you know? i read the words & i instantly feel super stupid; it:s the same feeling i:d get in church reading about eternity as a young kid

18. it:s kind of just like my shape is coming a-part & i need hands to hold me together, a little; i haven:t been afraid of subsumation-process-procedure; i haven:t been afraid of torture-earth-illusion; i haven:t even been afraid of phosphene-shadow-cancer-legs; i just feel longing

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:11 P.M.

19. no one xpected the mara scientology arc & i:m loving it

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 8:20 P.M.

20. there r a lot of good old threads on this acct; i just found an image fromt hsi one & wantd to see the thread again; i think it:s one of my favorites that i remember [here]

@ 9:05 P.M.

21. i realize that thread was almost a year ago & i:ve been talking about the xact same things this entire time :-/ what happened to me

@ 9:26 P.M.

22. voices are coming out of the bathroom vent & i can:t tell if it:s sound traveling or i am hearing things; sounds like the water radio voices though

    

23.