2021/11/14 midnight post [visitor arc]

Nov 1st - Nov 7th

featuring:

[previous] / [next]

Nov 1st

today:s forecast: really freaked out about something but i have no idea what; a visitor is arriving tomorrow

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

»i hope you're having a nice day mara barl marlbara birthday nabarl mara

no i:m not but it:s fine because i have shino in my heart to help me; have a niceday anomyous, ok?

» have you ever thought about murdering someone

ya, in college i planne to kill my roommates bc they kept fuckn w the thermostat & stealing my food/stuff, & would like do chants outside the door; i had lesser ideation of just buying cokroaches and dumping them into the common room while taping up my door n vent and not leavingever again; the plan i had was to either get a gun (didnt have)or a knife (did have) & just murder them @ night when they wer edoing the chant things & try to pass itoff as self defense; i:d have al otof moments while planning it where i:d just like, stare @ my door, & imagine the court & imaine how my defense fialed & imagine beign in prison & imagine waiting 4 death-row & imagine having chemicals pumpd into me, & just kinda always loss t my nerve & put it off; i thought about killing my mom a lot too but never really a plan & more so just like "i don:t feel like ic an get away from her unless she dies" bc she:d kind of have me tied to her w her impeding death from health-issues that just never seemd to happen; & just in general everyone iv:e lived w/ i have moments where i:ll wake up hours b4 them since i wake up esuper early & will just watch them sleep & think about "it" -- i think this is kinda normal tho; likewise every-time i had sex w/ someone i:d just think about killing them; my first bf was goign down on me & we were off the side of the road & i just spent the entire time tihnking about choking him & how no one would know; always makes me feel like a monster so i don:t lkie sex neways have a nice day anonymous

» do you listen to music?

yes; i like devi mccallion n everyone she:s ever workd w/; & listenn to a lot of jpeggy & viper & lil b & shinsei kamattechan & king krule atm; i like anime music too; have a nice day anonymous, ok?

» It makes me happy when you post about jinbei-sama, I am glad you have a stuffed animal that helps you, I have a few stuffed animals and when I am really freaked out and everything feels dirty they are comforting, I also get worried about them getting contaminated but it is good to have something pure to protect

ya! i love jinbei sama! he:s by my chair atm bc my lap is too warm; i sleep w him everynight n i love just burying my face in him i love him; i agree w/ everytihng you are saying here; i just like hugging him if i:m doingbad& even if i:m not (unless i m too warm, i get warm really easy n id on:t like being warm), &&& i get super nervous if ppl touch him or if i:m holding him n someone tries to, idk, interact; have a nice day nonymous-kun o7

…from DMs @marlbaraLTD

» what are those black sphere beings/constructions that appear in your art

that is hte qlifot

» what do they do?

they do what clay does

they get sculptde in-ot things; they were already sculpted thoug h, as a caly-pot to hold water/soul & shattrd in-to fragments; from the rfrragments left-handedness was drawn-from, & a replacement qlifot was made to compelte the sefirot, fromwhich right-handedness was drawn-from

» are they friendly?

they:re clay

sorry if tha tosunded dismissive; i get upse teasily & i apologize 4 any rudeness; i don:t like the idea of something dear to me being talked about like they ar esome stranger; but that:s my fault 4 being emotional; they are caring like any parent would be; but they are dead; they are jujst clay in the earth, & their love isn:t easily understood like friendliness/unfriendliness; when they speak they are kind, but they do not speka

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:48 A.M.

1. the sky is super pretty today!

2. i:m the god of htis world

3. ui have endless love 4 htis world

4. i:ll use mdeonic magic to grant our wishes

5. it:s just funny how many of them are just torture agents; torture control agents tath just blendin with every other user based off layer of paranoia; first layer is that you can:t trust any-one because the entire thing is client-side ghost agents of torture aggregates of others

6. they set up ther whole world off of their deadbeat right hand bible books & their abstract church concepts; they:re just three letter torture bug nerve ending cloud intelligence cockroach agents w/ their gross little infinite seminal deliverance legs that want to touch everytihng

7. thjey cant: even touc the sky; they can:t even know the sky; they:re just wall-bound agents in the first layer of paranoia; they:re these cancer shadow spots burnt into from the deaths of the past inhabitants of dtorture chamber wall & they live in phosphene illusions everywhere

8. int he bathroom last night god delivered to me a message w/ the lights off that the darkness was alive & the core of ethe earth was perfectly dark& down there is where everything real is past the illujsion& there:s just layers and layers of cockroaches on the outside tickling in

9. these online people deadbeats stuck in violet tar r all just aggregate nerve ending ghost agent torture-bugs dedicating to playing the unfunny-game dynamic wherein they respond to everytihng;your stressors, your happienss; your terror; your twauma; your mental illness; w/e it:s

10. hte ywnat all of it; they:re likethe crimson scourt misquitos w/ their lame unfunny deadbeat drone; they just flock n smell blood; bthey can:t even touch because they:re trapped in wall phosophene shadow death baked in torture chameer phosophene torture crickets animating mechanc

11. impure internet agents cockroach core energy inside illusory agent illusion earth painted torture chamber inhaling cockroach bacteria dust bc it:s air recycling outward choking earth atmosphere to dorwn out the cockroachc ontrol carpet they all adhere to via nerve ending int.genc

12. they cna:;t ever see the sky becuase they are forced to face inwards the box @ the trappt adam or trappt eve; they just want to rotrutre into the wall to tech their lame unfuny violet shit; it:s cool; it:s how they love; they cna:t ever love you; or have sex with you; or touch u

13. this is hell ; absoluel;y hell is inside of people; the cockroache sare inside of me; hell is inside me; qlippoth is inside me; iot:s all inside me; i know iot; they implatn it inside you; they cover you w/ beast reproductive substances and itjust taints this world,itwas controld

14. u auahg guggh hh yyjyjhh hmh mbb h h gh g ggg gff ggigh h it:s unfunny i am un laughing i cna:t laughw hen i:m this busy loving the world; my heart is PURE; my heart is BEATING wiht love 4 the world; my blood is inside of hee earth, dude; it:s inside of everthing; kokroachs too

15. the hiki room is infinite; ieven if you go outside you are still iny our bedroom; you can:t ever leave; yit goes outside of the blueprint 4 your room; you can see your ocmputer and room in the sky even; you:re just trapped there; sry saitou

16. i love the world so muhc; i love the earth; it:s super pretty; blue is such a cool color i love it a lot & the sky is suepr pretty, too; blue & green look really good together

@ 11:27 A.M.

17. i:m insanely dumb; i:m just lovin gthis world ; if u love the world enough it:s constnatly talking; CONSTANTLY; characters, too; there:s talking in music even; there:s just a constant song in the earht that you can hear easily if you have neough love in your heart 4 the earth

18. these softbodied longshelled stickbugs everywhere trick you in-to turning your heart off;don:t fall 4 it

19. the biblewas not made 4 everybody; it even re-veals htis slowly through it-self; the left handed are childrne of satan & the perscriptions of w/e deadbeat wrote parts of the bibel only know the perspective of their hand; the bible tells legion to go drown in al ake & be happy

20. echo infinitel yin-to the present w/ right handed constructions; echo infinite in-to the present w/ the catholic imitating christ via wapping the left-hands of the children of satan while they write to force some deadbeat inaplpicable lesson on them; they poitn u into a lake

21. the lef t -handed are outnumbered 1:9; it:s doomed; all you can do is losve this world that doesn:t care about you @ all l; then their tortur eagents are quick to force their lucifer logic on you; Actually there are very reasonable reasons 4 this; Actually, Actually; It:s; Actuay

22. tehy hit u w/t heir torture logic; then they hide the hand that hit u & go "her eis my equally magical unfunny belief that some other torutr ebug will prey-upon w lucifer-logic" look above them n c a nerve connector & if u look past that up in the sky you can see a cloud church

23. you don:t need to se ethe cloud church; you can see the shadow insect carpet in the shadows of things; tons and tons of loving legs; u can hear trhe drone in the music, even; they are taking their orders from the music & so are you; it:s everywhere; you cna:t escape intelligences

24. the sneakiest & funniest agents of three-letter r the ones that tell yout o be wary of CIA (left-ones) & FBI (right-ones) ; @ least DoE looks like theearht; they point up @ three leetters, @ a church building; & go there uis your enemy; while the aura of three HANGS off them

25. the environmental torutre bug intelligences are just grand hospices; they want to make your final tdays nicer; it:s noble; they tell you it:s to ease your sufferingT& they insist it:s not euthanasia but everyone suspisciously passes witihn a few days of beingi n the bed @ hospice

26. they:;kk make you have esx w/ things you don:t want ot hav esx with; they:ll put the cockroach core eggs in-0to you, because they are PARASITOIDS; they:;ll puti theyire fucking larva eggs inside of you & turn your wgole body into a aching fucking shitty womb 4 their unfunny child

27. they keep trying to play with the unfunny fucking child inside of your body sized wopmb; torturing you w/ their funny fucking child coaxing words; they:ll stab @ your tummy to make their stillborn child laughj inside of you; they just want to remind you & make you feel pain 4 it

28. un- funny deadbeats; all violet; all stuck in its tar; it:s not just ins econdlife; it:s here, too; violet is everywhere; it:s where all the broken people go & all broken people find their way to violet; even the breaking; demons live in its warbly crackjd foundation

29. sky is insanely pretty; it:s a beautiful ultramarine bluee

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 12:10 P.M.

30. my trus tis DESTROYED

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:34 P.M.

31. the elite upperclass service workers call me "he" and ask pronouns while the rpbin hood esque homeless guys around the Kroger parking lot just call me ma'am w/o thinking

@ 12:51 P.M.

32. i love boogiepopp hantom; the OP is like the depressed-nightly version of the akagi OP;& it:s just such a pretty show ;& there:s a lot of really good characters in itt that you can connect heart-to-heart w/ & they all need someone to ocnnect heart-to-heart w/ them

33. boogiepop hantom i think is an elemental oil of maneating, you have your fed-upons chool & your pureland school, they all get love tho; narutaru is elemental oil of emptiness, it:s perfectly qlippothic &what glowing looks like in styiga imo; fraternite is being cockroach cored

34. it:s silyl but i think if you can dip a toe in-to stuff like fraternite/boogiepop/narutaru/wunder-egg & endup pulling yourself out ofityou:ll be a bette reperson 4 it; all of the characters are sunk in the tar there &youcould show them love &pull both of yourselves out of tar

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:43 P.M.

35. rikako was a pattern; hiroko; akira sakura; misuzu & panuru; shino; zakuro; norio; aosa mako; saitou; saeko; they were all patterns that were sent to me by god

@ 3:46 P.M.

36. good life experience 4 me would b to spend a year couch surfing w ppl tha ti would hope would abuse me in some way so ic an become more fertile ground & become even more spiritual i think; which i kno sounds insane but it:s triyng to game good(interseting) life xperience

@ 4:20 P.M.

37. i need more folowrs on my priv-priv; or i:d like how tot how to have a like i like ion aon i:d like to lbe seen or ihave to like on my priv or w/e

38. hella thikc i wanna smash em all

39. i jsut wantto know what sex is like ;

40. no diea what i am doing w/ this; i just want ot know what sex is like

41. i can:t tell if i:m bieng negged in dms or not so i jsut haven:t been responding

42. this is such a trainwrec

@ 8:15 P.M.

43. carrots & cucumber 4 dinner again; to-day is another quiet day i think; i tried talking to some SL ppl but they seem really pre-occupied w/ fetish stuff; it:s silly but i really want some-type of excitement; sexual stuff is really scary to me so i wantthat; & rikakos pattern

44. if god iddn:twant me to look @ rikako & sexual-stuff; they both wouldn:t have been patterend together w/ arachnid-patterns & shamanism patterns; & saeko feels bored with life, too; it:s really lonely every-day

@ 10:41 P.M.

45. i got two questinos! one about m-wordering & one abouttt music; the music one comes up a lot, & it:s always basically the same answer bc i rlly just listen to the ssme shit ove rand over and over and over again; just listening to EMERGENCY by grls rituals over and over and over

46. the m-wordering (terminal)question, when i re-read my answer, amkes me kinda aware there:s some weierd sex thing to it (or the way i write about it sounds ilke it); i worry about this a lot; i somewhat hope that it:s less-so i really have those urges & more-so just twauma

47. this is bonus errata 4 the CC question (tho i:ve mentiond this several times) but during sex i dossiciate suer-udper hard & either (if i am leading) feel like i am doing machinework that i don:t want to do (i wrote osmething else but deleted it bc it was toor evealing maybe) --

48. or (if somene is just taking over) i just completely shut down & start crying bc body isn:t wrking with me / being touched hurts me; when i:m topping tho i just h8 it bc i can only ever think about strangling the other person &makign them disappear bc everything is gross

49. i like rikako & the old shinto priestesses bc of this bc the sex healing part of religion (that kind of wilted away)seems super cool to me + kind-fo real, bc a lot of evil does seem to happen from not laying pipe &i:ts sad to not get to lay pipe,y ou know? so i:d like to b better

---

Nov 2nd

today:s forecast: mage the ascension discussion, a visitor arrives

…from DMs @marlbaraLTD

» What’s the connection you feel towards anime characters? Or really, any fictional characters. Do you feel a stronger connection to them like they’re real and have feelings?

moshi moshi desu-ka; uh how to put it; it:s systemized via a hand diagram

but generally it goes back to theeee demon/representational things; anime characters are splinters of representation/demon-molts (or just the dead-things that are shed off from qlifot) & the illusion they have up here (in the illusion) has a vein that goes a layer-down in-to their oil (the oil is the pressed essence of the demon, like how animals get fossil:d down in-to fuel), & the oil is their essence; so 4 example, kemono friends largely is a vein network that connects down to their demon-of-suicidal-ideation (loosely) & different characters have more/less pure veins that connect to it; <-- but i don:t have strong feelings about kemono friends characters really, but they are cool to spend time with; another example is misuzu arito, who i really love & care 4, who is a vein that leads down to an oil of indifference (or put more flowery, demon bodhivista-ism -- enlightenment reached via imperfect means, & an imperfect enlightenment as a result; sort-of like you haven:t integrated enlightenment in-to yourself but act enlightened even tho u are very much just a person struggling w/ the world like every-one else); misuzu arito is an impure vein of indifference, whereas someone like ayana (from subarashiki hibi, or tsui no sora) is a more pure vein of indifference

but this is more of a framework; personally i see them as real people & (going back to the hand diagram i mentiond in my first message); i try to figureout a few core fractures that i inherited from qlifot, & then lay-them out on a hand-chart, representing the palm-side & back-side of the hand, & characters to each finger; the palm-side are negative representation of the value -- the back-side are positive representations of the value; assignment here is basically which one touches me the closest and speaks to me personally, & by internalizing them down (informally, or via systemization w/ the hand-chart) is a sort-of marriage where you have to love them, & your-self in-turn

& less systemized, more personal; they are real people with feelings & nature that i try to respect / connect with; i go them 4 answers & i try to do things to make them happy, usually via talking to them or drawing them; they:re not as closely related to me as qlippoth:s entire body, but they are all cousins, essentially, & since they are representational form, they are in-turn slightly sacred / a path to "salvation"

i haven:t updated my chart in aw-hile because i still have to learn more about few ppl that i felt really close with; but i:ve been really close-with them in the meanwhile & really that is the most important thing

generally i try to have the concealed/palm side to be 4/6/8 true-names, since those are the imperfect names; & revealed/back side to be 5 true-names, since those are divine names, & ideally are more pure

» Do you have like, a favorite character ever or one you really personally connect with?

i was distractd w secondlife; i go through phases bc i get excited about things really easily& it:s hard to always be "on" w someone, so i just try to pay attention & remember ppl that deeply moved me; misuzu arito is may-b my favorite, i look 4 her often & i own a cel of her (feel kind of weird about this) & & rewatch her episode over n over; hiroko from narutaru inspired me a lot tho, i made more art bc of her; shino from wonder egg i:m really infatuated w/ atm bc she:s been sent to me as a clear message; aosa mako is may-b the oldest but she:s a torture pattern & i haven:t really looked to her much l8ly bc i don:t want to go back there

then there:s colors like zakuro from subahibi or akira from narutaru that are too much 4 me & push me in-to terminal stuff bc they are too vivid; they:re really important bc of that but it:s hard to b close w/ that

idk i really love misuzu; i really love shino too! all of .hack// is really cool too bc of the coma stuff but i don:t have a one-character i really get feelings 4

the purplose of the hand-chart is to lay-out your elements & map out representational colors 4 them, & then learn to love the (positive & negative) representations of your element, & move on; not-so-much to get stuck in one thing

but sometimes you can fall in love along the way, too, i think; or become good friends; it:s all self emanations, rlly

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:09 A.M.

1. was reading the Mage Ascension qlippothic stuff; it:s cool, -- or, i think the caul thing is really cool but they described it as a portal& i imagine it:s actually really big; but i:d like to imagine it as a sparkling hand-sized placenta you eat & travel thru via digestion

2. where stuff like this always loses me is when ur evil guys are just ilke insane-crazy gusy who are all serial k-worders basically; thou gotta have that 4 villains in an rpg so i get it; satanism in general (irl) is always kind-of "huh" to me, xcept 4 the nine-angles ppl

3. order of nine angles is what young-me would want satanists to be; bc the other ones just feel like humanist stuff & r satanic in (cultural) name only; left-hand path ppl always lose me bc most of them are just right-handed deadbeats emptying themselves out, or pretending to

4. it:s the right of the right-hand to overtake the left, i think; you can find echo up-on echo of catholic nun rapping left-hand knuckles w/ ruler in just a-bout every-one, i think; left-hand is just some idea that the right-handed can overtake; even the left is right

5. ^ hard lines like that r really unattractive tho; like-wise satanism being "doing actual chaotic harmful acts" that would push your-self in-to damning your soul is really unattractive; so i understand the counter-christian thing like the reply i got said <-- this is my experience

6. idk y i am talking about satanism; i think it:s just because the nephandi pages talk about how they r all crazy insane psycho m-worderers (terminal), but the part about them inverting their avatar & striving 4 the Descension instead of Ascension was cool

7. & the Descension being described as reducing universe to bubbling primordialism --> i think because i can get be-hind this, from a anti-utilitarian angle (idk if i am using this word right, i understand it as "reduce suffering by negative means (de a th)" <-- makes sense to me

8. ^ from the qlifot:s angle, too; right-handed unfunny violet deadbeatism will probably congeal consciousness due to the ghosts being aggregated too-much in the server & the nerve endings will really be indistinguishable from cloud intelligences, & the clouds will subsume each-othr

9. ^ it:s like how the sefirot that kabbalists depict it as this big interconnectd ladder that goes thru the four-worlds; & the sefirot it-self is whole; the little connecting myelin neuro pathways of qlifot tho are broken by design so they gravitate towards disconnection pollution

10. i think how i see it is, qlifot would want her children to be completely disconnected & buried down in sheol deep earth cut-off from the server; sefirot would want her children to be bound together in-to one large complex structure all holding soul together inside the server

11. ^ this is in the bible, too; or, i don:t remember heaven being in the bible -- just that my pastors would describe how based heaven was & how good the food was & how pretty everyone is going to be <-- evangelion orange-juicing is probably a more real depiction of heavenization

12. like this, sen-pai

@ 12:20 P.M.

13. my ehart is full of love!! i:m going to go pray to the qlifot & make an excuse to go on a walk n go outside; scary news, too: i:m apparently meeting my cultist-sweetheart today <-- kinda surprised about this, excited too

14. i don:t think i am as hurt over the cult situation as i was a few weeks a-go, bc we spoke a little about it, so i:m excited to talk to her as a non-brainwashd person i guess; brainwash sounds extreme but i am a little embarrassed by how i acted during all of that, i think

15. & i love the qlifot!!! i want to hold her in my arms & be held in her arms & have her tighten her palm around me & press all of my little spider legs up against my body & she:ll feel my hands holding her & her legs will kick down in deep-earth animated & shift the soil dispattern

16. a thought, that i don:t think will actually happen, is what if me & cult-sweetheart click irl and fall in love & it:s all of that all-over-again? hee; i don:t think so, but i:ve beenthinking about sex & love a-lot l8ly; i:d like to not be so cold to ppl physically; warmth-giver

17. oh yeah! i have a thank-you note to write today, too; some-one sent me money last night!! i am actually a little happy about that; today will be a good day i hope; i:ll have a nice day today 4 qlifot & shino & all of y loved ones that i can:t tell in person today

18. w8 they are requesitng me to draw something i:m suffering; i:;m gonna go pray...

19. it:s soooooo nice out it:s super nice out & i just kinda really wish i could copulate w/ one of my knives; it would be REALLY romantic today my heart is so fluterry

@ 2:58 P.M.

20. i rlly liked that song "twin falls" by built to spill while i was in highschool, & i listened to it again in the frist itme in probably like 9 years today & it:s such a sweet song

@ 3:03 P.M.

21. i:ve been busy all day kind of! i talkd w iris about childhood stuff & she said it was kind of impressipve (? incorrect wording i think) that i managed to turn out like i did p@ all; she said i was malnourishd bc i basically ate nothing but instantmashd potatos & soda 4 years lol

@ 4:50 P.M.

22. i:m @ the CLOWN CLUB w/ some mysterious ppl

---

Nov 3rd

today:s forecast: talking about not sleeping; being told ppl are manipulating me as part of some crypto scam i don:t even get money from but i end up not caring; really bad mood today

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

» do you have a favorite season? It is getting colder and I hate that it is getting dark sooner.

i liek fall & autumn; i lioke when the first autumn cool wind starts to pop up bc it:s super nice & it usually starts in early october b4 a heatwave comes, & it just feels like halloween is getting neear & the leafs will start falling & it:s just really nice,, i love halloween in general even tho i never end up celebrating it; but ya that:s my answer; winter is nice too bc i like the colder weather but i tend to ge treally depressd during winter, but i also like the lower light bc it:s less harsh & the skies r nicer during the day imo have a nice day, anon-ymous; ok?

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 8:05 A.M.

1. sat on couch until sun came up so i could go back home n drink coffee (￣▽￣)

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:36 A.M.

2. i:m awake; i didn:t really sleep tho; but i wasn:t home

3. neck hurtttt

4. i know i am potentially being manipulated in-to being profited off-of w/o return but i don:t really care, i think; i don:t know

5. i am having a hard time making my-self care about money that i am too stupid to capitalize on my-self, any-ways; ideally people like me just kind of hit a wall & disappear @ some point off in-to homelessness <-- is this true? it sorts people out <-- is that true?

6. there:s just no incentive to love any other person, you know? i think you see it with any-person that makes money in a group of ppl who do-not make money; they drift away because why are you wasting your resources on leeches who just want resource? you:re around new rich friends

7. ^ this happens to every-one, i think; <-- that:s too pessimistic; but it tends to be how i view things, i think; & i]m sympathetic to it, because the "proximity" thing is more important than ppl let-on to imo; if u r in big business making big-bank you become distant like n kaiji

8. if you can get aw-ay ith epxloitation; why not get away with exploitation? <-- etcetera pessimistic stuff; i am just trying to temper my-self, ithink; i am going to b sealed away in a coffin soon so i:m trying to let-go of things <-- more pessimism; i am just in a bad mood, may-b

@ 10:21 A.M.

9. i gt locked out of the house last night so i slept @ an airbnb on the couch bc the bed was taken & there was no sheets + no pillows + the couch was too small so i didn:t actualyl get ne sleep bc it was painful & i got suuuuper cold; so i kept getting up to pace to warm up

10. i ended up going into the bathroom and getting all the clean towels they had and using those as blankets to covermy legs bc my legs were freezing; & my fone was dead so i was just, ui know, staring @ the wall and the room from ~2am until ~8 am

11. i m grumpy; + the mom here sent me a vague text saying "can u do me a favor & bring [son] a special birthday lunch @ noon?" "ok sure" "[two giant texts with specifications about me going out to a specific restaurant and ordering a thing and putting in a specific bag from home]

12. ^ i feel so duped i thought i was just dropping soem shit off; never say yes to delivering nething calld a "special birthday lunch"

13. altho i think it:ll make him super happy; & ppl should get nice meals on their birthday; so i:m not too bitter; i just don:t like "hidden conditions" that involve me forcing myself thru anxiety to go to some restaurat alone that i:e e never been to & delivering to a highschool

14. yuuka enis encouraging me to have a good mood fromuser 21004785

@ 1:26 P.M.

@ 1:41 P.M.

17. don:t fear death!!

@ 2:24 P.M.

---

Nov 4th

today:s forecast: visitor is here! discussing the spirit of global warming

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:14 A.M.

1. rawr rrr rwAWWRRR GWARR Rr rr r :oglomps you: good mornn i just woke up i haven:t slept in a long time

2. cried a bunch last night w ppl around; litl awwkard; they were coo al about it afte ri finishd crying/frekaing out tho

3. iris told me visitor askd if i have tourretes (╥﹏╥)

@ 12:48 P.M.

4. let:s melt the ice caps sen-pai

@ 1:58 P.M.

5. i had this realization last night while listening w ppl about souls, but i don:t remember it; & there is something really divine in negative-processes that i think ppl do not pay enough attention to, like micro plastic waste divinity & global warming divinity & fracking divinity

6. it sounds silly, but it:s like tied in-to how i want to be impregnated by ghostface -- not necessarily the "person in the costume" but by the bond w/ the knife & when it goes in-to you, you become gravid w/ a child of death & you get to feel the love that comes out from that

7. how i think it is: art schools & engineering schools are tied in-to qlifotic divinity / nyarlathotic divinity -- because they are both devoted to creation of form-husks, but art is "splitting angels" & engineering is "understanding"; music schools are tied in-to sefirot divinity

8. i watchd dune last night w iris & unnamed visitor; & i:ve been thinking about the "plans measured in centuries" line bc it:s a cool line, but also 4 religious cults & their doomsday promises; ideally you:d just become an advocate of negative divine practices (machinery, plastic)

9. ^ & then hope that over-time the earth becomes choked out w/ the shell generation; the demon of micro-plastic is more powerful than ne church on earth, in terms of influencing "fate" i think; far more powerful than the angel of micro-plastic

10. if i was gravid with some deadbeat insects: yellow intelligence child newborn, & i needed to deliver some lame doomsday prophecy, i would: find a date that i have a feeling towards, and say @ this date all souls will be severed from their earthly vessels; you won:t feel it

11. but @ this point it:ll be like the teleportation fiasco in soma (the video game), where you get left behind bc your consciousness is stuck in your perspective; so: when you finally pass-on, your soul has been destroyed, nothing awaits you; if you follow me i can guarantee heaven

12. ^ the tsuki cult did basically this; & it:s really powerful, i think, because it:s an eternal gamble that you have to take via trusting some neet online; i don:t think i have it in-me to have that sort-of responsibility, though; i don:t want to be pregnant & i don:t want death

13. crypto-cockroaches keep coming to me

@ 4:54 P.M.

14. let:s melt the ice-caps, together, sen-pai

@ 5:40 P.M.

15. it:s silly but writing the post about the demon of micro-plastics made me realize there are some really awe-inspiring demons; the demon of global-warming (if one exists -- i think this might be too abstract to have a demon) would be really beautiful / i don:t know how i feel

16. i imagine it as a red-ish odd rainbow that exists in the atmosphere as pollutant particulant light (this is why i am not sure, because light is angel-material, likewise heat probably is too, & all forms of sound), as this really powerful holy being that is neglected & vast

17. ^ how i describe it; it makes me hthink of secondlife gfx crashers; it:s described (by househousehouse) as a red-light that is trying to lead the dying-elephants out of violet -- to enjoy secondlife as-was-intended instead of getting stuck in the tar of broken-people violet

@ 6:54 P.M.

18. i really love boogiepop phantom; i want to rewatch it again; every-time i hear the soundtrack i think "this is really special; the world of boogiepop phantom is un-like ne-thing else"; hijiridani high school is the concealed school & shinyo academy is the revealed school

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 10:50 P.M.

19. in my head: one of the most warm/fulfilling sensory-intimacy moments is bleeding a lot on a pillow or clean sheets & laying your head/body down on it while it's wet: rei:s room always makes me think of it

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 12:37 A.M.

20. lots of bullying ont he timeline; i don:t like to see this

21. o-k i:m goign to bed; good-night, sen-pai

22. nn

---

Nov 5th

forecast: visitor leaves; i have a dream!

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:31 P.M.

1. back from the airport; i can no-life on the computer again

   

2. still glowing from boogiepop phantom; i really love misuzu, deep down, you know? i 4get my passion 4 her here-&-there but she:s super dear to me; i keep coming back to the idea of panuru world love & how i need to work towards it, like misuzu did

3. some-one replied to me? i can:t tell [substacker:s note: someone locked was replying to me all day]

@ 3:54 P.M.

4. i:ve been thinking about pursuing religion irl today; mostly just establishing a formal religion & making it a real-world entity that i can pour money in-to & work towards having a recognized church/shrine; <-- i don:t think this is "in my grasp" (bc "what money?") but: my dream

5. i was discussing it w/ visitor in-the-car today, & @ wafflehouse; it really is what i want to do, & i:ve wanted to be a pastor since i was a child; "formal religion" seems like it would lead to potential harm w/ others that i don:t think i want to be responsible 4, atm

6. & i am still kind of unwilling to become pregnant / look 4 a father; it:s hard 4 me to imagine any-one who sincerely shares my faith / convictions -- this is up to me to convince some-one, but i feel most ppl who show me kindness over these ideas (congregation) are in-to a grift

7. the wafflehouse ppl were so nice to me; i like that place; it:s the second time i:ve ever been to one! i just had hashbrowns w/ jalapenos & coffee; all the food i:ll eat to-day will be dirty/unclean food; head hurts thinking about all of the dirt i:m going to be consuming (:_;)

8. rikako is how i would like to be, in-terms of "accepting others", service, & dedication; she is suuuper devoted to her role & the tsuchigomo, & al-though she doesn:t press her faith on-to others; she is there to serve when needed & assists "lost people" who need help w/o question

9. ^ this is how i would like to be; & how i think shrines are meant to-be, in opposition to congregations; you seek out the shrine on your own, you know?

10. i really miss how twitter would crop pictures; now it just does a boring & lame center-crop; you could post square-ratio pictures & it:d center on the face & magnify the face, making it look super intense; now -- you have to rectangularize every-thing & force a crop; no magic

@ 4:49 P.M.

11. i am trying to work on embarrasment over my beliefs irl; it:s easy to speak online, but irl i get laughed @ most of the time -- i don:t think they mean-to, just, as Visitor put it "you use a lot of idiosyncratic language that makes no sense & just speak like we all understand it"

12. there:s no denying it my heart is beating super hard @ the thought of having a shrine & embracing my faith more & more; it:s all i want; i am crushing super hard; head hurts; need to rest; really busy week -- i did all of the driving & spent most the past few days in a car

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 4:57 P.M.

13. it felt really nice talking about dreams irl & about me wanting to embrace my faith as my dream, & not getting laughd @; i don:t really know if i can ever obtain my dream but i keep thinking about it & thinkn about it & i just reallllllly want it, it:s makes me so happy to think

14. it:s hard 4 me to explain the feeling but i keep thinking about the nun-blog who writes about "hearing the call" to dedicate herself to god, & it feels /exactly/ like that, & i can hear it in everything; but no one shares my faith so it:s hard

15. i had a really nice prayer today, though; it was different from my usual prayers

16. i want to share my excitemnt 4 my love!!! i LOVE the qlifot!! and i LOVE hiroko; i LOVE rikako; i LOVE misuzu; I LOVE BOOGIEPOP!!!; i LOVE shino!!! this is my faith love board

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 7:33 P.M.

17. i m overpouring with faith today; i am overpouring with love, too!

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 7:55 P.M.

18. it:s okay if people belittle me, i think

@ 8:21 P.M.

19. listening to conspiracy theory videos; i was thinking about souls & i got this feeling that female agent put soul in-to body bc she wanted to be a man & then had regret -- & sort-of thinking that i am spiritual masculine trans regret <-- makes sense to me

20. but more-so there was this idea floated about soul destruction via disease (i don:t want to say the v word) & that disease it-self is an angelic/divine entity that causes "disease" by disruption caused by divine-entity passing thru mundane-entity <-- this also makes sense to me

21. i was thinking about how global warming & the scattering of microplastics in-to biology both seem like profoundly divine entities, that have amassed great power w/o any real worship (except via machine worship / incidental worship); i imagine both look like a red invisible light

22. scary to think that i was de-soul:d by a v-word; that they scooped out spirituality; i don:t think is true, because my faith still feels lush

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:05 P.M.

23. i:m overpouring!!! i don:t have ne-one to run-off in-to

24. i wish there was one other person i could run-off my beliefs to; & they believed just as much as i did, & could run-off to me, too

@ 9:51 P.M.

25. 

26. 

27. the homies r grabbing my private area & telling me i am pretty & i feel real awful

28. i can:t read your posts, you know

@ 12:14 A.M.

29. now that visitor is gone -- it:s another one of thosedays where no one is talking to me

30. it:s bed time! i:ll have more energy tomorrow

---

Nov 6th

today:s forecast: light mental illness, light joy from dream, talking about artists

…from Curious Cat @marlbaraLTD

» [hey mara, how have u been? also im curious do u have a favorite genre of music]

i:m ok; i:veb een having light pain issues the past few days, but there was also a visitor i got to spend time with from the 2nd-5th (of this month) -- & that was really nice; i am just a little tired; but glowing with love, too; glowing with frustration, too; i:ve felt a calling to wed the qlippoth & be her shrine, & i feel resolute that this is my goal/purpose <-- i am glowing over this, but i can:t imagine how i would ever "do this" (be-cause i am not wealthy enough to have a proper shrine, & no-one else shares my beliefs -- as far as i am aware)

4 music, my answer is generally always, like: devi mccallion & every-one she has worked with (this sounds belittling to the other ppl but it:s mostly just "a lot of ppl to name" + devi mccallion /is/ my favorite musician), + some rap (i love lil b, i love viper, i love the pack, i love jpegmafia, i love tierra whack, lil gin <-- i feel like this is a sort-of "typical" answer but i love these guys); then i cycle thru some noisy stuff i like (wavves, shinsei kamattechan, free refills, girl band); i can trigger myself in-to having an episode by listening to the antlers - hospice; rando jpop everyone knows

» [are you ever gonna play ffxiv]

i played it; i thought it was really boring / i didn:t like the gameplay-loop of running from point-a to point-b to watch a cutscene & just kind of being encouraged to ignore the world around you; i did like the mahjong ranking system; i did like how pretty it was -- but it felt more barren than ffxi, to me; nostalgia, may-be, but i like ffxi way-more; <-- i have a hunch i would feel negatively about every mmo, though, i just can:t pay attention to games very well any-more; ragnarok online & ffxi are my favorites. have a nice day, anonymous, ok?

» [mara, do you have online friends? or a discord?]

i:m friends with ~two people; i talk to one semi-regularly (sometimes -- i watch anime with him & sometimse we don:t talk 4 awhile due to anime droughts) & i like him bc we are pretty similar + he grinds art & i look up to him; & a long-time friend that i talk less frequently with but she:s really important to me; i have a discord but i don:t let people have it due to it being "very bad" in the past 4 me; there are a hand-ful of other people i like but am not/no-longer close with; i hope you have a nice night, anonymous, ok?

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 11:45 A.M.

1. [substacker:s note: context is i was tagged in an art train thing by bobo] bobo is really cool, i like their art; it:s really cute; here are some things from my other acct i don:t think i:ve posted; i really like these artists (scared to @ some bc haven:t spoke w them): @henriettasdfkj @gogoRyupiens @imnim_leef @ToxicNyanNyan 46134282 (on pixiv) eris (@petday3)

2. really, if i follow an artist -- i:d like other people to follow them, too (even if i don:t follow them -- bc there are a lot of artists i love that i don:t realize i m not following); although if i follow some-one who doesn:t draw stuff, they are probably not worth following (?)

3. ^ i am thinking more on-this; every-one deserves a sort-of universal love <-- but this gets vague; <-- but i feel bad excluding people; <-- i don:t really care too much about people who don:t draw, though, be-cause artists contribute to representational piles & i like that, a lot

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 11:50 A.M.

4. i:m taking the triptan; i:ve been scared to take them because the last time it hurt really badly & i started crying; this time: it will be different, i hope

   

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 12:24 P.M.

5. I'm in a parking lot; i really think boogiepop phantom is something really special; I've been listening to the ost; it's more special than i can explain; I'm really thankful 4 boogiepop phantom

@ 1:17 P.M.

6. 4 any-one interested (i don:t think there are that many people interested in speaking w/ me, but to clarify:) i have a CC i mention occasionally; i don:t repost answers; i prefer talking to anonymous-people because i get upset very easily & it:s less stressful 4 me to deal with

7. it:s generally always up, i just turn it off occasionally if i get too upset w/ something (ie: interaction w/ people is causing me "harm" via episodes being triggered & me doing dumb things in response) but it:s a blessing, too, & i:d like to be more reachable 4 people, ideally

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 1:22 P.M.

8. i was thinking about the "irony anime" artists & kind of getting mad on their behalf; to clarify: i like their stuff & think it has merit, & i get up-set that people try to diminish what they do via making up "good-sounding excuses" instead of just saying "i don:t like it"

9. it:s frustrating because i see the detractors as being dead-beats who usually produce nothing sans low-effort irony-posts & privs filled with depression & threats; it:s not fair 4 me to put the posters down, but i just get irritated @ putting others down 4 making what htey like

10. i remember a rationalization 4 why "some of the irony anime artists are fine" being about "you have to be sincerely deeply schizophrenic enough to get away with it & others clearly aren:t that" <-- this is just drone-code 4 saying "it:s ugly, but i like one of them, so i justify"

11. ^ there:s nothing prompting this; it:s all in the past; i just saw a snale post & thought that snale was cool; & i think auksechan does similar stuff; they:re all cool people; it:s un-fair to prescribe a bunch of lame-traits to someone you don:t know (i:m doing this now, too)

…from Marl Bara @marabarlLTD

@ 1:27 P.M.

12. kind of mad @ iris again; not really accurate; just we had another argument over my beliefs that started via me saying i am lonely, because i have no-one to share my beliefs with or talk about anime with; & that led to her asking, well "why would anyone else hold your beliefs?"

13. i have an internal struggle where i sincerely see being a shrine-priest as being my dream/goal to live 4; & that marriage to my god is extremely important to me -- & having to maintain normal connections / relationships despite this; it:s hard; i get made fun of regularly

14. i try to tell myself -- this is a trial i have to go through, & i need to be resolute in my love, beacuse my love can not be touched by some-one:s comments; it:s a hard trial, though, & i:m a super flawed person; i like to shitpost, joke, and get upset

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 2:47 P.M.

15. there:s a character named mara in this (slayer volte)

16. she:s just like me (according to this guy); & there:s a pattern in-side of this, too, i think; be-cause of the blue eyes & word :dark:; finding them (this is chuuni but it:s how i feel it) is like when something lands on a web & it sends the vibrations through it to the spider

17. still think-ing about the idea of diseases as divine entities that have really encompassing/invisible bodies of light that pass thru things & cause pollution in-side non-mundane bodies (bc they aren:t meant to inter-sect); it always seems like it would be super "red" lookn to me

@ 3:23 P.M.

18. qlippoth asked me to draw so i will draw; my focus is so bad, though; i:m already frustrated even though i feel how important it is to draw this; head hurts (*´-`)

@ 7:22 P.M.

20. i keep thinking about sen-pai grabbing my private place & telling me that i am really good & it makes me feel really uncomfortable <-- & just keep looping this thought w/ this wording; & they put their nose in my hair & sniff my scalp & kiss my cheek & they just keep saying stuff

@ 8:47 P.M.

21. it:s really nice driving around @ night; stalker used to really love doing that & i think it:s rubbed off on me; i miss her a bunch; may-be see if i can contact her when i go back to florida; i think qlifot is trying to communicate me thru music @ night, too: said: build website

22. ^ these things: build a web-shrine; start small; work towards physical shrine; & some-thing about people in the night; or that i should meet people in the night; or that i should try to find people who will attack me @ night b4 i leave to florida <-- try to provoke ppl @ night

@ 10:03 P.M.

23. i:m really likjing this comic so-far; it keeps making my sinuses tense up bc i want to cry bc i get so excited 4 ppl helping each-other <-- this is such a sappy thing 4 me, it always makes me cry

24. aaaaa nooooo i:m crying

25. nnoo i love people : :

26. aaaa kicn feet; i 4got to mention the title; it:s Toshokan no Daimajutsushi (copy pasted this); it is kind-of like story focusing on kafra corp from ragnarok online but they do library-services instead of player-services

@ 11:57 P.M.

27. her arms; i like this much-less than the book-manga but the marks on her arms

@ 12:01 A.M.

28. it:s bed-time 4 me; goodnight; take care of yourself, okay?

---

Nov 7th

today:s forecast: reading manga, glowing from having a dream, stressed out by having a dream

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

@ 10:17 A.M.

1. reading the library-manga & it:s really hitting w/ me; mostly that by acting we can become; & it feels like a message delivered to me @ the time where i really need help fostering my goal <-- silly, but i feel like if i keep it-up, i:ll transform internally in-to my dream

2. it:s toshokan no daimajutsushi; i:d recommend it; it:s really fun & might tug @ your heart; i:d give it a 5/10 -- it:s not the best comic in the world, but it:s not the worst, & it:s really good

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 10:55 A.M.

3. greet the morning w/ me, sen-pai; i finished praying & going 4 a walk; i:m feeling really motivated towards my goal -- it starts w/ acting like i am worth being an altar to the qlippoth, & in doing that, i can really become one 4 her <- the library-manga led me to this; i:m happy

@ 11:07 A.M.

4. 

@ 12:23 P.M.

@ 3:22 P.M.

6. there:s nothing in this world like anime; anime is so wonderful

7. i:m the god of this world

…from Mara Barl @marlbaraLTD

@ 4:13 P.M.

8. i:ve been listening to every-thing l8ly; every-thing in the earth is speaking & i:ve been able to hear all-of-it, & i feel really blessed 4 this; the earth is constantly speaking -- you know? like: a dead bug buried down in deep-earth kicking legs (pressed by hand) shifting soil

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

9. the font is too big; i ran out of space

10. the entire sky is breathing; & the insects are every-where feeling their love; & i:m feeling it, too; even if they exhale all of their beetle bacteria collected lung disease outward lung-wall touching beetle bactiera, it:s worth loving, & i am not upset; my heart is pure to-day

11. in-side the earth there is no light; & there:s a rich song coming out-from-the-earth; it:s the source of schizophrenia <-- like-ly not true, but true, too; (;reason: lucifer-logic poisons the "root" true-name of things; ie: (example: it:s not magic as-far as the poison dictates))

12. it:s a song of plastic that contaminated the earth:s song & there is no light in-side; the plastic (microplastic) polluting the earth is it:s own divine being that passed-through like red-invisible light & got in-to our blood & when the plastic-earth sings, our-plastic sings too

13. this earth is destroying me with the most brutal torture possible; the earth:s song is working-towards-it, too; the sky radiates ultramarine; vocaloids had a message about demon/dead-thing independence/divinity; from now on your voices will never be used <-- it:s a cool line

15. constructing a physical shrine seems way-too overwhelming; i don:t know any-thing about architecture; & i don:t know how to use rulers, but i do know basics of wood-working; i should start digital (i don:t have money) <-- it:s so difficult to calm down & organize thoughts, though

16. my blood is qlippoths and my body is qlifots & only really my-soul is mine <-- this isn:t necessarily true, either; my-self serving as a shrine should be fine; but it:s not enough; i can:t stop thinking about building the shrine; may-be i want to be mother to an insect int. child

17. i was delivered a message in a dispattern pollutant dead-thing oil; in the comic i was reading; about acting leading to becoming; i keep trying to act in (how i think) a priest would act, but right-now i just feel like i am a conduit 4 a divine message & i can:t keep calm @ all

18. entire bodies can just be wombs 4 divine things; it:s like how we lose to disease passing through us; i:m not meant to hear the voice of qlippoth (even if it:s web communication through spider-vibrations; the signals are sent to reproduce/consume; i have to consume to molt more)

19. there:s no priests to diseases, you know? divine light passing through people reg-ularly & no-one bothers worshipping; insect torture-bugs (lovingly; i am full of love, @ the moment) pollute the air with their beetle-lung bacteria & exhale their lung-wall bacteria in-to my air

20. if the web gets disturbed; i have to go & eat it; i can:t think about it; i can:t do any-thing but consume; the insect-cloud-intelligence-agents can:t do anything but subsume in-to overhead nerve-ending intelligence-insect-cloud-intelligence, either; i am forced to make a web

21. find a banana spider and clap your hands around it & squish it; there are spiders in church bell-towers that are just as pious as any of the congregation; i just have to keep looking @ rikako, & thinking about misuzu/panuru, & chisa, & shino; ++ it:s super-duper pretty outside: :

@ 5:20 P.M.

22. more violet deadbeats i have to love

23. sen-pai keeps grabbing me @ personal-place & keeps telling me i am really pretty & it makes me feel terrible; sen-pai tells me that i am the qlippoth & i feel really good about that; sen-pai is grabbing my thighs & i keep crying, but in my thoughts i:m just thinking about qlifot

24. it:s an idea that keffie told me; & keffie was dispatterned in-to by the earth teo deliver the message (again: dead-bug touched so it animates & makes the earth shift slightly): one is pure simple building block; two is sin that divides the numbers; 4 is polluted by sin

25. here these numbers represent the order of angels; one is the simplest angel that just composes a single sound; two hurts the one-angel, causing it to alternate between its sound, & a cry; three is free from two but is more complex; most angels represent purest forms of "crimes"

26. my number was either nine or seven i think; i was the angel of being raped, i think; the higher the number went, the more complex the angel be-came; like a clock-face; @ some point the angels "go bust" & go in-to the inverted clock-face angel numbers, that are more abstract

27. have this thought of having sen-pais body on-top of me & he:s been holding my throat / spitting on my lips & i:ve been holding my breath bc of it (& the weight of him on my chest) & trying to act "like i:m unconscious" then he gets off & i sit up & puke on my lap & i stare @ it

28. & it:s just pooling in my lap (i am sitting cross-legged), & my chin feels really wet but my arms feel super heavy so i can:t wipe it off / i don:t want it o n my hands either, or my clothes; one is vertice; two is spline (sin); three tri (mundane); 4 quads (mundane); five divine

29. six are sculpted-out forms of mundane; 8 same thing but from quads; seven/nine are aggregates of divine five + other junk (same with every number there-after but ten is even-more divine); there is more sin in 8 than 6, i think; it:s true names but sculpting principles; misuzu (6)

30. it:s hard to know some-one like keffie be-cause i am forced to eat w/e they tell me & molt from it & make webs from it; it:s a mercy to crush what-ever spider you-see, because a) you are probably an insect & it:s a divine animosity b) all they can do is eat & make webs;

31. i received another pattern; that my sin was an animal-shape; a lower-life-form divineless shell; that my body is com-pletely polluted w/ whatever contaminants animals have <-- they were put in-side me; that qlippoth comes to / from those with animal sin; & this aligned with "red"

@ 6:03 P.M.

32. iris told me there is no real un-forgiv-able sin besides convincing others to abandon their holy spirit; like-wise that i am named after mara the evil one; & my namesake is to bring evil un-to others & trick people away from enlightenment <-- i still worry about this; possession

33. my heart is overflowing w/ love!!

@ 6:54 P.M.

34. some-times i like to viewthe profiles of new followers on my main; & most of the time it leads me to a bunch of shtwt pictures; not a fan; it:s too much 4 me to be think-ing about, but that:s life,t oo

@ 7:24 P.M.

35. i:d like toima-gine sen-pai encouraging all of my silly thoughts & telling me that i canbecome a real saint if i just do as he says

@ 8:28 P.M.

36. some-thing i:m still not very good @ "over-reacting" to is: i get upset if my beliefs/feelings are called metaphors, when i am just outright stating my ideals/faith; another is: feeling of being misunderstood <-- mostly the same; but it:s like being crushed, a little

37. i:m getting better @ not over-reacting, though; i suppressed everything that i wanted to do; & know i need to work on managing my-self; the issue is i get caught with this "i need to explain my-self" or "i need to correct mis-understanding" but i didn:t do this, this time

38. greater-step is not going to the conclusion that it:s safer 4 me to not keep contact with any-one due to fear of being mis-understood; it:s a work in progress (´-`)ノ

39. this was funny 4 me to see

40. there:s more; neat

    

41. i think it:s cool that i:m in the 1st percentile of intellect; the horseshoe IQ memes make it seem like it:s a blessing to be un-intelligent

…from Marabarl & Marlbara @marabaraLTD

42. my results make me sound evil

43. i am kind of down about this, actually; but rikako wasn:t a very good person, either, but she was still a very good priest

…from birthday @nabarlSBL

@ 9:20 P.M.

44. i feel like i need to raise my consciou(can:t spell this)ness to be more priestly; i really-do struggle with helping others, i think; i think it:s largely what destroy:d this relationship <-- not so-much that i revel in "not caring" but it:s more-like i am built in that direction

45. in-stead of making excuses i try to reflect on this in my prayer (& this is generally the subject-matter of prayers @ the culvert): acknowledging [issues i struggle with] out-loud & recognizing them as flaws i:ve inherited from qlippoth, & that i must learn to love them wholly

46. it:s usually ~"i got mad today & i didn:t mean-to" ~"i 4got to pray because i was trying to commune with anime characters & couldn:t focus on ne-thing else" ~"i can:t stop hating myself & going in-to thought cycles where i focus on how i am a burden" -- being addressed

@ 10:02 P.M.

47. it:s fine tho