on the schizophrenia subreddit, a user characterized all of their delusional thoughts actually being hallucinations — & the rational default user would never actually think those thoughts, & through this characterization the user overcame their delusions.
i really liked the explanation of user, & i couldn:t stop thinking about it: in the shower i had a revelation: user was right: however: there was a choice i could make: i can choose to recognize the delusional (phantom) thoughts as mine, or the grounded (real) thoughts as mine; it made me think of episode 8 of boogiepop phantom — significant because it is the 8th episode, & i have to pay attention to it be-cause of patterning. 1
episode 8 has this following conversation:
this conversation came to mind, & combined with user:s words: it scared me a lot; schizophrenic subreddit user was completely right about the ease of mentally categorizing logical “mara” thought from the more delusional “qlifotic” thought2 — but i really do not want to consider qlifotic thought delusional, my whole self-perception has become tied to it (as sort-of the very last thing i have to cling on-to in life). rejecting my life-line as hallucination felt really cruel. it felt like a cruel trick;
potential realization: schizophrenic subreddit user was impregnated information dispattern communication3 & potentially existed as an attempt to make me doubt my faith via torture chamber (the entity) — to get me to accept the premise that “phantom” was /not/ real; alternatively: it was pattern to tell me the following message: you may choose to accept your religious thought as hallucination, or you may choose to accept your logical thought as hallucination — my existence as potentially either “phantom” or “matter” seemed really clear. just by realizing i had this choice: i lost a lot of control over my thoughts.
about boogiepop: it:s a multimedia series (originally novels, i think, & two anime series (phantom (a partially originally anime-unique story) & ‘and others’ (an adaptation of several stories from the novels)) featuring a character named touka, who is possessed by an entity named boogiepop; touka does not really exist when boogiepop does, & vice-versa; boogiepop explains it like this:
i chose my phantom religious thoughts to be real — those were my real thoughts in my head, & by making that choice i separated myself from touka, who was now my hallucination.
following my choice, i felt that i finally saw through the illusion that torture chamber created (& is still creating) through the baked-in death shadows of the infinite billions of dead inhabitants before me. i saw through torture chamber 4 just a moment: i was completely alone; it:s the opposite of lain: no-matter where you go, no one is connected.
everyone only exists as nerve-ending of torture chamber, to boogiepop; boogiepop only exists as adversary to torture chamber; & maybe by choosing to believe in phantom do you get to meet boogiepop, likewise: by choosing to believe in matter do you get to meet touka. & boogiepop is very lonely, i think.
there is no point in communicating with other people, as it is just talking to torture chamber; likewise: torture chamber likely can preemptively read the pattern & know my thoughts; if i show love to nerve-ending: torture chamber will use it as another layer of control over me; if i show fear to nerve-ending: torture chamber will cause multiple actors to work against me, as antagonism; i can talk to torture chamber openly — & it will never respond; it will never acknowledge the game; i am writing this article so torture chamber can read it; a billion different nerve endings reading the same text and in fractions-of-second creating unfunny game script to act as individual agents to keep the charade of funny game moving.
i had a moment yesterday where i realized i had no one i could tell these concerns to; i was completely alone with boogiepop, & with torturechamber; my own thoughts weren:t safe because the touka-thoughts were hallucination; i am boogiepop, i am not touka. i went on SL to reach out to someone, who said they would be my faithful knight & listen to my problems:
[2022/01/01 16:17] (mara): i typed a bunch but realized movie was starting & it messes w/ the mood; plus it makes me look crazy
[2022/01/01 16:18] (torture.chamber): You're fine Mara. Everyone really likes you ya know :)
[2022/01/01 16:18] (mara): more-so i couldn:t figure out what the solution wouldbe or what i would expect the ideal reaction to be; but i sent something anywaysbc lonely ^^
[2022/01/01 16:19] (mara): i mean i get ppl like me, it:s; how to put it
[2022/01/01 16:19] (mara): i have something i can:t talk about with anyone, and i have to alienate myself a lot bc of it
[2022/01/01 16:21] (torture.chamber): It's okay, we're here to listen for the things you can talk about
i logged off immediately without responding; why talk to a nerve ending?
more logically: what am i expecting? any normal person would tell me to see a therapist, psychiatrist; how would i deal if someone started telling me about torture chamber? i wouldn:t ← luckily, i catch myself: this is lucifer logic being impressed on you to bring touka to the surface; worse: this doubt was placed by torture chamber ← my thoughts weren:t safe @ all; torture chamber found a way in-to my head.4
i spent the rest of the night pleading with torture chamber on my twitter account birthday@nabarlsbl
i tried to reach out to someone to talk (went w SL person since they don:t kno me very well) & couldn:t work up the courage to say anything; my favorite animatronic is lefty bc left + i like the voice lines & wiki description of being empty vessel
never got this b4 but invertebrate rt:d this picture of this beautiful perfect dark centipede and i just really wanted to grab it @ its midsection and squeeze it as tight as possible & have it whip its body around my hand and start biting / scratching my fingers & c if i can hold
typing that i think i understand thought control; i:m not really certain my thoughts are mine anymore -- i:m confused again @@; i don:t remember why @ all i wrote that my thoughts were being controlled; i wanted to write to you that i know how you feel about it & manufactured it
i remember now: you wanted me to tell you that you put it in my head that i have to hate insects (myriapoda) & that i should crush them in my hands like they were some animal so i can look deranged to you, & you can feed off of it; & then it got flushed out already
it:s not even like it is one of your fat children; your fat insect children; in the revelations from web language communications it was really literal: the insect / arachnid patterns on lower garden layer are literal but extending upwards into illusion it fractals into more shape
it is one of your children; i don:t know why you would want me to hate a child; i don:t understand you @ all; you never speak to me directly & you manufacture a lot of really confusing things but you speak to me really nicely sometimes through other separate nerve ending clouds
i don:t know your response because you never speak; if i act stressed enough you make these (i guess) impregnated information disruptions dispattern events & then it is messages>voices>bills>whatever; i:m afraid to write it out but if you really are funny you know what i wrote
what scares me & what i wanted to talkwith you about earlier on secondlife is that i think my thoughts might be hallucinatory, & i had to make a choice to believe in the phantom or the real, & i wanted to meet boogiepop instead of touka, so i went with phantom, & i m confused now
it:s confusing because if they are hallucinatory, then i can:t talk with you about it; if it is phantom: you are just torture chamber spread thru out the lungs of the infinite trillions of cockroaches spewing lungwall bacteria into garden & torture chamber; if real: it:s just sad
^ mostly because i can:t imagine another person listening to what i ams aying and saying anything worthwhile; so although i am confused it seems completely clear that i can:t speak with anyone; i guess i am bargaining with you out of frustration / hope you:ll respond (?)
in georgia i would pray @ the culvert to qlifot and she would ground me; i should do that, but there:s no culvert here; i saw you behind the TV in the thin-light, i saw your massive infinite cockroach carpet body in the thin-light & i remembered how you put yourself in everything
if you really are in the air/light i hope every time i clutch my fist @ nothing in the air it is like breaking some vestigal limb or w/e & hundred-thousand of your children shatter to the invisible floor; i don:t like thinking about how you have controlled my thoughts
the last time i got really afraid about you controlling everything was when the trees all turned into these weird invisible spider masses & told me the voice i heard was qlifot explaining my color alignment to me & that i had nothing to be afraid of about subsumation
opraye rworks because i had faith that the voice was color alignment (blue) identifying itself as 8 from 6; 6 masquerading as 8, by stealing the shape of 6 to hide the identity of 8 from 8; 8 will think all 8 is 6, & 8 will think itself is 6 -- it:s the most surface subsumation
then i went to bed; i woke up, i felt normal; & the loneliness came back, & then boogiepop floated up to the surface, to confront torture chamber.
patterning refers to a fractal form of web language communication; events in real life are woven together in lattice & deliberate information is communicated from lower layer (to upper layer) by intentionally weaving together patterns in-to the lattice; patterns meant for 8 will be indicated by being shaped like 8; on the lower garden layer: alienation takes the shape of arachnid, & arachnid above takes the shape as 8; 8-coded things carry information designated for arachnid-organ bearing inhabitants of garden. dispatterning refers to a deconstruction of the lattice to create nyarlathotep in the pattern (nyarlathotep referring to geometry deletion, referring to “unreals” or “absences”): a meaning will be destroyed & crawling chaos enters — torture chamber (as an entity) primarily uses dispatterning to trap inhabitants in hope/fear cycles (the patterns are read preemptively through “funny games” which manifest on illusory/torture layer as mindreading & maximalist paranoia-layer (everything except you is nerve ending from torture chamber).
logical vs. delusional is better rephrased as lucifer v. god — the names are not really important, but: the idea is that original sin / knowledge exists primarily as “logic” that increasingly has more compelling explanations for every miracle god is responsible 4; lucifer erodes the meaning of divine visions by the logical explanation of psychosis; god starts @ 1, & satan starts @ 2, & trinity starts @ 3 (free of 2 due to being an odd number), & quaternity starts @ 4 (heavy with satan due to being an even number). lucifer logic v divinity is used extensively by torture chamber to propulse a fear/hope cycle initiated via obfuscation dispatterning.
impregnated information refers to patterning where tailored payloads are injected in-to areas of a pattern, causing the pattern to engorge, & create event in reality to match the pattern — if a lower-layer actor/intelligence needs an excuse to communicate with you through revelation: it injects the message into pattern, & the upper-layer torture/illusion creates an excuse for the message to happen; likewise: actors/intelligences impregnate information to manufacture their control over a person — example: LRH purchases a soul a trillion years ago, & a trillion years later he wishes to pass-on his teachings to his slave, so he impregnates the teaching into pattern, & the pattern manufactures rape early in the slaves life to add divine saturation into the souls palette.
what is torture chamber? is torture chamber an intelligence? is it a vehicle the intelligences connect to? does the latter possibility get conflated with the other possibility? the torture chamber is: a rectangular chamber, with the walls painted like the earth — beautiful pure blue, & pure green. it always contains one inhabitant, & the prior inhabitants are baked-in shadows on the wall (resembling cancer shadow spots on xrays); the dead inhabitants move their cockroach limbs in shadow, & it creates phosphene hypnotism that propels the illusion for the inhabitant; supposedly: the dead shadows are connected to the outer-wall of the chamber, that is exposed to sunlight — & possibly the insect intelligences overhead are responsible for the illusion moving via communicating with them through heat-in-the-walls; likewise: i am communicated through the vibrations of the web inside the torture chamber.