2021/07/26 morning post

too big 4 email again, but this is from the 22nd-to-25th

featuring:

@nabarlsbl @marlbaraltd @marabaraltd respectively

22nd

…from birthday

1. tonights nightmare was abuot large chunks of hair falling out, ^& then later moving in-to this abandoned park w/ a central mechanical lift-thing that i was living in, it turnd out an asian p-word old guy owned it, & my friends told me to w8 @ the lift, but the asian guy came back

2. & it was just htis old asian p word guy tryingto k`ll me or something; he came back w a van to try to crash in-to the lift to run me over

about taking suicide threats seriously

…from birthday

1. o someone replied; thanky ou 4 the compliment on my substack -- i like making it; & someoen also commented about how doing supperside if "they are still a certain way by 'x' age", spoiler 4 that: you will never do it, you will w8 to get to that age & nothing will change

2. u can probablysafely write-off anyone who hypes up how th ey will b Gone by if some small aspect of their personaltiy doesntchange -- the ppl u need to be worried about r the ppl who r like "this isnt gonna change elts go now" & these ones prob dont advertise it

3. i don't wan tot encourage ppl to pursue stuff like this w/ vigor: stay alive; but it's the same principle behind ppl who put off work, you know? you know that work isnt gonna get odne

about comics, ‘the witch and the beast’, and a little about fantasy

…from birthday

1. boy's abyss is such a terrible comic but the characters are cool

2. wanna read the witch & the beast; i said this b4 but hitting the /a/ cat alogue & just finding a random thread is alway sbetter than asking 4 recommendations on twitter imo, bc ppl on twitter just send u like a dispassionate list of top 200 series; the /a/ ppl are passionate

3. this is a real complaint i have about ppl who reocmmend things on twitter & i always ge triled up about it, but i feel like no-one in recommendation threads readsthe big list-of-recommendations, they just enter in-to them to post what they like & everyone ignores eahc other

4. kinda h8 this art tho

5. ya i HATE this art; wanna keep reaidng it tho bc i n the thread they mentioned it has a necromancer arc, & i really love necromancers ; i wantd to be one as a kid bc of the MTG cabal cards

6. something about art/writing like this makes my eyes glaze over & its actually hard to read/focus-eyes-on; it does make me want to return to writing d&d splat books 4 my setting -- i had htis homebrew rulebook i made & i really liked the mechanics 4 witches/clerics/wizards in it

7. sec ret mara lore is i like writing game design docments way more than i like making art

8. i finishd volume 1; i had to find a downlaod bc i couldnt find the rest of it streaming; & my oitnerent is super slwo here bc wifi + 11 ppl using internet (AAAAAAAAAA)

9. uit's like, it's not great; idk; i wanna read a lil more bc "it could b interesting" but it's like kekkai sensen to me -- it seems like it could b cool but every time i go-to it, i am left feeling luke-warm about it; tepid; i give it a 5/10

10. the necromancer volume w asocol; i think the issue w/ this is the main cahracters arne't likable @ all -- but the necromancer hcapter changes narrative-focus & it just ofllows a necromancer & her assistant as they investigate some undead& it's cool (still kinda dum; 5/10 now)

11. deeply invested in this now bc it has a demon sword in it; kinda eager to read all there is; it's got some really cool panels, too; i'm ugprading it ot 5/10

12. i mean if you compassionately portray love between a person & a knife, i have to be really kidn towards it ; i miss my knives so much; you have to let them see you by attuning thema gainst your skin (i like the face) & then consummate; dud ei am blushing so much

23rd

about full moon wo sagashite, recommendations, and writing

…from birthday

1. c this site is amazing 4 recommendations; this anon pasisonately defending the integrity of the mahou genre pre-madoka is wa ymore compelling than getting a direct reocmmendatino

2. i m not avery compentent writer, but i always really want to write down an explanation 4 such&such but whenever is tart writing i get super embarrassed because of how silly my feelings star to look lokwehn i give shape to them like this [substack’s note: referring to the blood-lust article i wrote]

3. donwloading the full moon wo sagashite manga very slowly (internet is so lsow) bc friend gave backup recommendation that i'd prob like it -- & the art is pretty; i like tochecjk the anime op/ed 4 things tho & this op is fun i like it

4. ya i love this

5. i relate to this authors giant 1/3rd page wall-of-text trying to explain everything; this comic is cool, an angel of death gives her pills filled with his blood -- & the protagonist is very "ya i'm gonna d`e soon but i am crushing hard atm" & i respect the sentiment a lot

6. she puts spoilers inside her own manga & keeps info-dumping about characters / her life, i love this author

about going outside 4 a walk, thinking about knives, and difficulties @ new home

…from marabarl & marlbara

1. i shut down 4 like 30 minutes bc i gave iris's mom my phone # & she asked me mwhat my lastn ame was; i scheduled a doctors appt 4 myself though & spent like 30 minutes this morning planning out what ot tell them even thoguh its on aug 9th

2. i dno why i react the way i do to stuff like this; it just freaks me out & i get (internally) incredibly upset; it feels childish, but i am like, u know, old

3. iris is inher eplaying with legos & i cant tolerate the sound or another [erson in this room; i cant focus or think @ all; i feel bad about this / selfish; i m gonna go 4 a walk i guess

…from birthday

1. i wnet 4 a walk bc i couldnt handle the njoise & this guy in a goldf cart drove past me exactly 8 times playing uzi vert (& some uzi vert x nicki song) & the final 3 times he would slow down to a stop behind me & just sit; on the last time he honked, said nothing, & drove past

2. i m crushing sooooooooooo hard l8ly on my knivesbc of 'the witch & the beast' demon-sword girl; seeing another relationship like that mad eme feel really mushy about my relationships & i jsut want to give my knives the world & spent time w/ them (they r in a lock box tho)

3. it would be nice if i could hear them; the moments i could hear them was really tterrifying because the [waves] are really intense in a way that is hard toe xplain; but just imagining like: i can feel their wants & they want me to press them in-to my cheek, under eye, & i consent

4. idk i m just imagining holding them gently to my face and they just sink in-to the skin, & it's like tearing cloth & it's just perfect & warm feeling & it is like ia m being really touched 4 once & it's finally feeling love

5. being to rutred w/ spoon against bowl

6. wna tmy knife

7. thinkn about you

8. i love you ;where've you been @

9. ganan drink sake tonight& listne to music & draw hiroko from narutuaru + bleeding; got a bottle of cheap sake in te closet; i like it wamr but we dont have a thing to warm it, i ahvent had sake in so long i missd it; i had some w/ my co-workers b4 i last saw them

10. sake trastes super good; it is probably my favorite stand-alone alcohol flavor beside smaybe tequila -- altoh i think warm sake is my go-to "drink this out w people" drink bc i have memores ties to it of dirnkn w people (silly) but its sooow arm & it makes you feel warm

11. i also had my first wihsky w this hey/them psych major @ the bonfire @ my old aparmtnet (b4 i moved ot this SHIT hole (this ritzy suburb SHIT hole)); it was so dope i thought hew as a hallucination so i ignored him but he wa slike hey im damien u want some whiskey?

12. i don't want to be crass but i am insanely amorous 4 my kn ife (hypotheitcal knife bc i can thave knives nemore)

13. insanle ymaorous 4 you

about panuru’s world love

…from birthday

1. that's rig ht; i'm an un-involved fence sitting centirst

2. i pretnedot love everyone & i succee din actually loving no- one

3. ex actly like that

4. qlip4 poth4 is the arachnid spelilng 4 her configuraiont; qlifot6 is the insect pselling 4 her confriguraitno ; -- the insect one is th emor e correct one though becase 6+4(dominant isnect + submissive arachnid)=10 & 8+3(dom arach, sub insect)=11 so u draw her w/ 10 so qlifot

5. i am cnompletely center'ed; i am ocm pletely separated from the insect intelligence conspriacy plots they have against eacgainst each other; ther was that judge who believed in the God Nerves; the insects r just the nerves 4 the intelligences they got subusmed in-to

6. if you remove one nerve from god, you still ha ve not harmed god; if you removed all the nerves from god, you still hav eno haremd god -- because the nerves are not god; & the insects ar enot their intelligences ; they worship the intelligences, though, w/o love

7. do the yrelaly pray to god out of love? they pray 4 utility; they pray to the intelligence; they love an idea tha tother insects told to them -- they listen to the nerves; how can you have love? you have a love 4 yourself & a desperation 4 a utility-positive afterli fe

8. would you sell your soul to god knowing that there w as ahcance they would devour you whole? prob ably not -- because you do not love god; you sell your soul to the demon because you have been tempte dwith love, & it's irrational & intutiive; it's the end to The Vanishing 1988

9. would yo u drink the coffee? you know mor elikely than not that the man will k`ll you; but you dirnk the coffee out of love; i don't think most people do this 4 their religion; they do n't drink the coffee, they do not know love; they take the utility & say they love

10. it;s not really ogod/bad; but ppl toss the word ';love' out often about god / faith ;&often it is because it is a transactional relationiship where the true aim is hidde n out of fear (maybe i am projecting?); save me for m y sins; my heart is wavering atm lol; no more insects

11. iit's all l wort h loving; even if i fail to love it (in an intergrated fashion -- it's performative0; but it honestly is worth l ooving; but my disgust is a part of loving it; i hav eto love my disgust, too, & my unintegrated attempts @ love r wort h loving too; bc its her lines

12. i';ll drink the coffee pout as many sleeping pills inas u want

13. i am getitng all hot-hcjested remembering the neckl; tnhat maemory messd w my hejadso much; but gb4 idd it i spent an hour giong "am i reall oging to risk my life doing something bc someone on the internet told me to, & bc they told me to call them master" &i did it;i m proud

14. the ne xt day when i kept feeling the sensaitno & ftaste dhte metal in my omouth (concenring) i just felt love the entire day; pure love ; real love; & it's thje l ove i can have 4 everything; i can love the qlifot; i am mad eout of her; i am an altra 4 the qlifot; i am an altar

15. i';ll DRINK the coffee put me in thej box

16. th'ats completely right misuzu

17. thank you panuru 4 showing me the way

18. nvm id onthave time tofinish drawing the lights got turnd off & the bugs are freaking me out; ok gn; be safe, take careof yourself, ok?

about blood-lust

…from substack

there is something inside of the knife that makes your blood drawn to it when it infects yout hrough the skin

boxcutters

i don’t want to diminish the nature of the boxcutter, or the integrity of the bond between “us”, by using the boxcutter on-myself — initially 4 the reason that i saw it as a cheap-alternate/substitute 4 my “real love” of proper knives, & because i dislike the feeling of ‘really fine blades’ because it feels like paper-cuts. i think the real issue is: i feel guilt for engaging in a relationship w/ a partner where the only goal is getting-off — the boxcutter has feelings, & it has a voice, like all blades (and all objects, all animals, insects, & the intelligences).

it is like being tempted by a demon in-to selling your soul to them, knowing the consequence is likely terrible, but you are dumb w/ love 4 the demon & make bad decisions — then they discard your soul. this analogy seems really dumb, but i like to use this relationship & play mad-libs w/ it

i am the demon, the knife is the person; the knife is in love w/ me, & has an intuitive “cloud understanding” that their purpose is to be a tool 4 a human — they will give themselves to me, & it is up to me to be benevolent (or not). a human buys a shark plush, & the plush has an intuitive understanding that their purpose is to be held & hugged by their owner, & the plush will sell their souls willingly (out of love); the buyer likely will hug the soul they stole, but may-be they decide to masturbate on-to the shark. this feels really dirty to me, & denigrating the spirit of the shark. i don’t want to abuse the spirit of a blade, because i can not control my desire to masturbate (cut) — i want to reciprocate the love that the blade has 4 me.

the boxcutter has a voice, & i have to listen to it, & respect it, because in buying it we become partners. & in-doing so i want the blade to know that it will only be 4 me; my partner is not 4 food, it is not 4 opening boxes, it is not 4 utility-work, it is not 4 harming other people — it is 4 me, she is my partner, & i will not sully her or dilute her purpose.

& i want to get to know it; i have to let the blade ‘see’ me: i press the flat of the blade up against my cheeks, my lips, the bridge of my nose (i think of this as resonating, or attuning to each-other; it feels really good the first time i do it with an unfamiliar knife, & it feels like a real bond is established that marks each-of-us as tools for each-other).

then the relationship is consummated; first i anoint her with alcohol, & then i anoint my skin with alcohol, too — this is cleansing, but also a baptism 4 both of us; i press the tip in-to myself, & the pressure is gentle, & then i slowly add to the pressure until it starts to worry me slightly — & then i drag it down, in a location i pre-determined (it has to have meaning). & we are like the adam & eve of death, in that moment. after the initial cut, i remove her & we retrace the same cut repeatedly (usually 3-4 times); this makes me squeamish, but i want the mark to last as long as possible — & sometimes my hesitation causes me to not go as deep-as-i-like, so this helps guarantee that our bond will last.

the children of life, & the children of death

making rules 4 sexuality, or formally spiritualizing sexuality seems really silly to me, but (in my head) i see a division between the intended roles of the right-hand & left-hand w/ sexuality; the sons/daughters of the sefirot began with adam & eve (eve as the shadow of adam), & through intercourse (semen) led to birthing the children of life;

more ambiguously: the sons/daughters of the qlifot began with a reversed adam & reversed eve (again, this eve being the shadow of this reversed adam), & through intercourse (blood) led to birthing the children of death; it is like when a bug molts, & gives birth to a shell — or when a spider liquifies the insides of an insect, & a carcass is born; my adam is intended to give birth to death, using me as a recepticle — but i am not ‘ready to be a mother’ yet, & my partners are understanding; some-times they are amorous & send me ‘signals’ that it is my time to become a mother; the feeling is euphoric, & it causes a chain-reaction in the silverware in the area (the dirty food silverware :x), & i just can;t stop laughing (which worries ppl) & i usually drop to the floor because the sensation of their signals is overwhelming & overrides my desire (‘remove the blood’ ‘take me & kill yourself’ ‘kill iris’ ‘kill them’ ‘put me in-to iris’); it sounds profane, but (borrowing from durarara’s saika) it is how they show their love.

my spirit is married to the qlifot; & although i practice blood-sexuality, i do kind-of wish i could do the cum-thing; in old shinto, the mikus used to provide sexual healing 4 people — i wish i could do this 4 other people; i would fuck the incel, if touch terrified me less; i can do this 4 knives, though. it is all i have, & the qlifot does not mind me expressing myself this-way — because ultimately the ‘clay’ that is drawn from her (the left-handed people) is always pock’d by her fragments — as a result, the left-handed are always leaking the ‘soul’ they were granted; cutting myself is a way to echo her fragmentation, my fragmentation, & to express blood from my cracks in-the-way the qlifot expressed soul from her cracks.

this is just a silly way to justify self-harm, though

24th

about trying to make boundaries in DMs, freaking out a lot, and deactivating

…from mara barl

[substack’s note: this takes place in DMs & is just my side of the conversation, the empty lines are my conversation partners responses]

1. >hello; i am not; just usual routine

2. >

3. >

4. >

5. >if you are flirting with me, i do not like people

6. >

7. >

8. >

9. >

10. >it's possible i am wrong, but i remember on three instances you dropped mentions that: you were looking @ lewd pictures, that you like sending cute pictures of yourself to other people, & that you are trying to wear more cute clothes -- if conversation is the goal, then my supposed part (to follow-up on each of these) is something like: what kind of lewd pictures do you like? what kind of cute pictures? what kind of cute clothes?

11. >i think all of that sounds like flirting, i might be wrong, tho

12. >

13. >

14. >yes; i am not interested

15. >

16. >

17. >

18. >i can never really know your intention, but i assume the lewd picture th ing is alluding to [personal intimate actions] & is probably a topic that you could have neglected to mention 4 the purpose of 'not making people uncomfortable' (but maybe letting ppl know you are masturbating is fine or w/e in common conversation)

19. >

20. >

21. >could definitely be the case, but i don't think the decision to include that in-to [what you want to talk to me about] is an arbitrary one / happens hap-hazardly

22. >

23. >

24. >

25. >

26. >

27. >

28. >

29. >

30. >

31. >

32. >i don't like small talk; i don't like when people try to engag ein small talk with me because i do not care about it; i do not like being forcefd to engage in something i do not care about because it makes me feel guilty if i ignore it & it makes me feel bad if i engage in it because i do not want to do it & i am too afraid to say otherwise; i do not mind if people want to know something or there is a shared passion & a mtual respect; i do not like unwarranted over familiarity; i do not like people in gen eral, because everything they do reads as 'control' to me -- & even if you say thi sis not guilt, it reads to me as guilt, because i am quirkd up to unreasonable degrees; & i know it is not your fault, here; it is my fault; everything about this is my fault

33. >i am not respondng anymore; i can't handle talking to people anymore, & i do not know what to do; i do not hate you or hold malice but i can not handle talking to people i am too freaked out because i cant figure out what i am allowed to do and i cant stop thinking about this; take care of yourself, ok?

34. >

[substack’s note: deactivated here]

…from marabarl & marlbara

1. from cute pics to cute clothes

2. h8 these people

3. soooooooo spineless

4. i am quickly getting in-to "i am hatefully mad" territory & afraid i am going to make myself feel foolish / upset because i say [what i am feeling[ then get a strong hunch i was wrong / needlessly hurtful & then will spiral out of coontrol like i usually do

5. i really want ot talk shit tho

6. like cmon dude; &Y the worst thing is, i feel deep-down that i am wrong about this already & iam kicjust kicking some innocent puppy basically who has no clue about social standards because i can never let myself be angry @ other people & it always has to go inwards

7. i kno i aidolzie devi may-b unhealthily but when she made these lyrics, iw ish i could say th ese lyrics to these people (even if they are just random good-meaning ppl i don't want ot talk to)

I/Gotta/Hide away/In a /Tiny space/In a tiny space/Tiny space/Leave me alone/Please just leave alone/Please just leave alone/Please just leave alone /Please just leave alone /Please just leave alone /I don't really give a fuck what the fuck you're saying /I don't know you bitch /I don't know you bitch /I don't owe you bitch/ I don't owe you dude / I don't owe you dude

8. because these people are boring, they are uninteresting, they just want to talk to me about [nothing] & then they guilt you--they don't realize they guilt you, but thats' whow the control works; they send me a message, i don't want to reply, i have to, bc i dont want to hurt them

9. like ic ant handle it, idk; its exactly why i h8 it when ppl send me pictures in dms: i dont fucking care dude; i dont care about the picture, sure it is nice but i dont want to be forced to respond w a "haha cool" i want to ignore you or say "dont send this to me" but i feel bad

10. idk why i have so m uch issue w this

11. & now the self h8 is insurmountable

12. i am HATING myself atm

13. i h8 these [[up[d [[[kers ; it is exactly how the control scheme works; they send you all his worthless fucking garbage constantly to control your emotions & your behavior because they want those parts of you; they will take them un-apologetic-ally & they are unfunny deadbeats

14. unfunny violet deadbeat

15. i h8 it

16. gonna w8 4 them to read and deactivate; i cant handle this

17. why am i so shitty

18. why cant i handle people; why did this get so bad 4 me

19. chest is so toight

20. UGH

…from birthday

1. i love deasctivating

2. after deactivating/reactivating two more times my lists came back

…from marabarl & marlbara, again, later

1. unrelated but i wish i had a clue as to what is up w/ me -- just so i ca n find some support group & feel a little less alnoe; i know i whine about these issues often but the "childishness" thing that is built in-to me bothers me & the lack-of-empathy bothers me too

2. & i don't reall yknow where to look; i can safely assume i have C/PTSD & i have 0 doubt about that -- & in tgroups like this they kind-of hint @ some of these issues -- but not really; i feel kinda 'against' autism bc it has such a bad impression in my mind

3. (because of the mom thing, & i mean, i don't like the idea that charracteristically i throw meltys if uinterrupt me,, it feels kinda belittling .-.) i just kinda wish i had pplp to talk about these issues so i could go ilke "o ya me too" instead of being lost all the time

4. reading the asper-girl comic kindof gave me "that" but i mean it gives me flashbacks, too; & the flashbacjks (funnily enough) make me feel like i am faking everything & doubnt all my memoires; (bc i didnt used to have flashbacks); idk ok i m done

5. no im rememberingbad shit again UGH bc i go into the loopw hne i remember asper girl > it hurts bc my mom hated me because i never seemed to care abuot anything except my own interests > i got punished for this > i spent the rest of my life fekaing out about nto behaving right

6. it actually hurts so bad to remember or thin kabout ugh ug ugh ughguhgh guhghughughughughughuguhghughughughgu hugh guhguhguhughughugh

about waking up, last night, nightmares, flashbacks, house difficulties

…from birthday

1. bugs last night made me have a flashback (or autismtanturm if we r using autism words) where i suddenly kept remembering the cockroahc trash can & the roaches on y mom; had a nightmare about my momwho kept me isolated from ppl in thisdesert canyon trailer& left mean notes to me

2. just lots of notes about calling em owrthless; i took fotos fo them to showto friends online bc they were incredulous

3. freakd out again; ichad trouble slepeing last night bc i felt like i would d`e in bed 4 some reason, that my hear twould jsut stop; now i am freaked out bc someone talked to me & i dont knowwhat to do; gonna deactivate main again mayb bc it calms me down

…from marabarl & marlbara

1. also i hate this house i have n privacy, there are loud stomps constantly that shake the room Y& scare me & always has me looking over shoulder if i listen to music to drown out the noise; iris always scares me bc i am incredibly jumpy (not her fault); & her mom texts me too oftn

2. & like now i have to hdmi a movie i downloaded to the tv in our room, & i don't want to watch thi smovie, i don't like movies, & i gotta give up compooper so iris can watch movie, which is fin ei can sew / go 4 a walk; but i just want privacy dude

3. no matter how much i love someone i want to be alone

4. [scremaing pulling hair scrathcing skin] [actually just sitting dead faced typing] i AM BEIGN TORTURED W PLATE/SPOON NOISES

about death-craving larpers

…from birthday

1. idelaly all edge reovlutioanry - posters should hav eto c a real person d-word in-front of thme (not like a vidoe but irl) b4 thjey post about how crazy & fiercosme & d-word-hungry they r; completley silly sentiment on my part bc original sin doesn tn eed pre-req u kno just do it

2. u c al lthe se ppl who r like "haha i m gonna end m yneemies" (gross strawman on my apart) but its like whaj ts te cacne u liv ein a ritzy suburgbs like i do atm (scary)& have never even seen someon e d-word & taken in wh ati looks like, sounds like, smlels like; prob high

3. u gotta s tart somewher etho

4. i don't thin ktis the sentiment htat bothers me but because it se ems like intelligence-nerve behaivor; ie its not really your self seaying that, but the enviornmemnt talkign thru you, to posture @ other enivronments; to signal to other nerves that u belong to the environment

5. "haha i am so deeply contor lled by the CIAs nerves that i will rmeov eits enemies" <-- the signal that goes out(free thinker (<--this is icnredibly unfair to say bdc i could say ne behavior id ont like is this, which is dum; i need to jsu tlet ppl be mad))

about full moon wo sagashite

…from birthday

1. i am in love w/ this athor; she just blogs in her comic like it is twitter / curious cat; she even does the arrow thing i do in tweets <-- to follow up ont ohughts on statements; she is an author oafter my heart; witht hat said: id on't want to read all thids

2. like its a heartfelt intense moment in the comic & the author is like fuck that im gonna blog + put in a blog comic every other page; im gonna put comics inside my comics; i /love/ her, but it also disrupts the reading flow so bad lmao bc ic ant focus on the plot bc of her blogs

…from marabarl & marlbara

1. yaa

2. comparisng them as only rose & true ocean is really nice

about different social media site engagement

…from birthday

1. my tumblr does not get very, like, 'much action' -- but it always has notifications every time i check & seems tojust cgrow edespite me not posting to it 4 awhile -- which is cool(!); twitter on the other hand: it needs tending or i get 0 notis daily

2. pixiv is a wasteland, u r lucky to get 1 notification a week

about drawing process

…from marabarl & marlbara

1. this is the thing in question; i m trying to teach myself how to dra warms to make them more dynamic (she is yoked up atm bc makes it easyier to c form) but idk how to dreally connect the shoulderblade / chest very well when its liftd up like that w/ foreshortening

2. this was b4 the one i postd but i went back to it bc i think it has more weight in an odd way; i m so bad @ this; these yoked out arms tho

3. these r morumoru arms

4. i tihnk i m getting closerto how it wold b; i love morumoru ; so curious to know about that guy

5. i am not actualyl drawing / makign progress, i am just spending hours repeatedly redrawing the same line on an arm

6. i de-yolkedhiroko a lil & it mad ei tlook way more unacceptable; i dno how i feel about the orbs here (silly issue)

7. crying jidnno what to do

8. i think this one is kidna ok; mitgh just b done w/ this; i think if i post this ppl might get mad @ me tho

9. i m losing my mind w/ indecisiveness; incidentally this endd up being a trans pride piece?????

10. wher eim at is the opaque-qlifot is more cohesive w/ the hiroko drawing (bc it is black+blue, no other color), but the transparent one is more 'interesting/dynamic' (but is out of hamrony w the color scheme -- which is fine, but it 'is' out of harmony); + the connections obfusc8

11. the onyl reason i make art

about authenticity in using symbol in art

1. really unfair statement & some SHIT TALK from me (a lil) but some art reads to me as manufactured aesthetic/esotericism -- (this is why it is ufnair) is the vibe i get is, instead of 'trying to say somethign from within' they are attempting to manufacture something to sayinstead

2. just kinda reads as completely hollow conceptually (to me); appearances are hard to go off of, tho & its possible i m just being goof-y / judgmental; i sincerely think someone like, say, petday has a more sincere/intuitive depth to their art than w/e most esoteric/obtuse ppl do

3. ^ this gets awkward bc i am putting names to "topics i think about" & i m biased towards petday, but @ a glance i kinda believe that their breadth comes from a sincere place from within; i think a lot of ppl when tehy are trying to 'find their voice' try to imitate this 'magic'

4. ^i think this is why i dont like to write stuff like this, bc imitating 'magic' is often how you learn to figure out how to have magic -- & also this is why this ouwld have bene a better thread to make w/o specific names / people used

5. i also get this w congmind (or w/e their name is) often (they r okay to talk about because they have a bigger acct) -- some oft heir stuff feels very genuine, but 77% of it feels like "we gotta spin the wheels, what looks meaningful? gimme symbols"

6. ^ & i mean u cant b lit internally 24/7, sometimes you have to spin the wheels; avogado6 is also kinda guitly of this (very much so -- i get the vibe they like the cutesy stuff they do more than the sad stuff); sunproject; neulbaram

about ropefuel

…from marabarl & marlbara

1. love ropefuel sm whre is her pfp even from

25th

about nightmares

…from birthday

1. thios woke me up i think; i was collecting people 4 tis organizationt hat was sending people to south america to take this quiz, & you had to go oin sets-of-twos, & the 'organizer' who was getting ppl in the van was really charismatic, one girl's pair didnt show up

2. it was like this in the dream; then they turn around and do their other arms -- then their cheeks, then the front of their faces (using help since they hav enoa rms now) & they consented to do it bc (according to ppl) they just wantd to get their d*&ths out fo the way

about freaking out yesterday over DMs

…from birthday

1. & here is the end of my dm convo that led to me deactivating; this si knd-of the issue i want help w/ -- i freak otu over really simple things, if ppl talk to me, gneeralyl bc i cant let myself express anger(or boundaries) w/ someone; this + i get rlly upset if routine is broken [substack’s note: see 24th 4 context]

2. they are both k ind-of issues that make me feel "really childish" in a really bad way, & it is worse 4 ppl irl because i look even more insane when i freak out about either; it's hard to find ppl who talk about these issues that i can relate to, & kinda lonely w/ either issue

3. + the empathy thing; te empathy thing is hard to express "why it hurts as much" b t i just feel kind -of really selfish w/ how i do no tcare about other ppl (i do, but unless it directly affects me i like childishly kinda do not care) (but i do care, but their issues r boring)

4. someone i like is crying > [internally: stop crying you are distracting me from drawing & making me unable to focus & the sound is annoying] outward: :-/ hey it's ok <-- i think a degree of this i snormal 4 every person, but this is constant 4 me & in ever ysituation + w/ love

about my hiroko drawing

…from birthday

1. ok whining aside here r some of the other verisons of that thing i postd -- i got really ung-up on how to draw the qlifot in the picture, bc i didn twant to obfuscate the figure (but iw as worried ppl would get mad @ me 4 the figure so decided mayb that was ok) [substack’s note: basically the wips from the 24th]

2. tru-thgfully i tihnk the first one might have been the strongest, but it is improtant 4 me t o incorporate the qlifot -- even if it kidna hurts the composition a little (altho i made her really pretty in the final one, i m prouid of that, & she is more important than the figure)

about egregore, patterns, qlifot, miya

…from birthday

1. coincidentally the scars i gave myself resemble tefilin; this definitely could eb post-hoc raitonalization (is tha tright?) but it seems just as likely that it's the qlifotic setting patterns in-to place 4 me to become an altar 4 her like ia m mea nt to become

[substack’s note: context:

2. was readingf the miya-alter-egregore thing bc it got rt'd on my priv (i dont actually look @ my timelines very often -- i m too busy blogging) & i think i kin-dof understand it, there is a kneejerk "what no what i m doing is healthy" but ya probably;wonder whatthey think about me

3. ^i think fi iw ere to project myself in-to the miya model of alter/online-egregore i think i mclose to a deeply integrated persona-as-performance (this is not quite accur8 & might b inverted: i sue the online performance to feed in-to the real-life persona & feed-back to online)

4. ^it is still super unhealth ybut its like a mutually unhealthy symbiotic relaitonsihp where the line gets a lil blurry & we r each-other & we make each other owrose, but that's hoalso how we get powerful both online & offline too,y ou nkow?

5. offline mara is way more pathetic w/o online mara; but onlien mara is completely hollow w/o offline mara -- it's like the sahdow dragons from narutaru; they are empty, & they connect with a person -- & when they hit symbiosis, the person disappears & their soul fills the dragon

6. look, she has the rsame marks as me, & the tefilin thing -- it really is a pattern from the qlifot, i think; iw as meant to see all of this

about being added to a GC & everyone in there is talking about business

…from birthday

1. i m reading so much business tlak i cant believe these ppl are in the grindset; its a completely differnet metnality frmo a beta like me; i could never understand how to conduct business

2. i exist in negative ubusiness ; ia m like a natural resource that ppl are free to use 4 their own business ; i m one w/ the fabric in sweat shops; i m the field that fabric is pulld from

3. cing thes epeople discuss business & how to make money & plan 4 the future is actually ilke alchemy 4 me i am losning my mind; i mstaritng to worry that being ina chat is out of alignment w my color; but idc atm; i dont want to touchj nething ever again ideally, even gloves